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So Boris Johnson Has a Deal. What Next? | |
(about 3 hours later) | |
Boris Johnson has a Brexit deal with the European Union! But the path ahead is still fraught with peril. What could come next? | |
We enter the sunlit uplands. | We enter the sunlit uplands. |
The uplands are, in fact, disappointingly cloudy. | The uplands are, in fact, disappointingly cloudy. |
We crash out on Halloween, thick with metaphor. | We crash out on Halloween, thick with metaphor. |
Britain is taken over by bears. | Britain is taken over by bears. |
Boris is called a “saboteur.” | Boris is called a “saboteur.” |
Jacob Rees-Mogg decides to flood the Channel Tunnel and asks civil engineers whether Europe can be made farther away. | Jacob Rees-Mogg decides to flood the Channel Tunnel and asks civil engineers whether Europe can be made farther away. |
The civil engineers say probably not. | The civil engineers say probably not. |
He tweaks his top hat to a jauntier angle and calls them “saboteurs.” | He tweaks his top hat to a jauntier angle and calls them “saboteurs.” |
The E.U., offended, rescinds its extension. | The E.U., offended, rescinds its extension. |
We crash out on Halloween, thick with metaphor. | We crash out on Halloween, thick with metaphor. |
Britain is taken over by wolves. | Britain is taken over by wolves. |
We crash out on Halloween, thick with metaphor. | We crash out on Halloween, thick with metaphor. |
Britain is taken over by geese. | Britain is taken over by geese. |
Boris goes to prison for ignoring the Benn Act, which made no deal illegal. | Boris goes to prison for ignoring the Benn Act, which made no deal illegal. |
He becomes a heroic prisoner of conscience and enjoys corresponding with female pen pals. | He becomes a heroic prisoner of conscience and enjoys corresponding with female pen pals. |
Sales of Spam, condensed milk and turnips — so-called Nostalgia Cuisine — skyrocket. | Sales of Spam, condensed milk and turnips — so-called Nostalgia Cuisine — skyrocket. |
Europe falls to fascism! Britain, vindicated, stands alone. | Europe falls to fascism! Britain, vindicated, stands alone. |
Devon has a Renaissance (“Devonaissance”), which surprises it. | Devon has a Renaissance (“Devonaissance”), which surprises it. |
Right-wing bloggers call the fire “a purification of the body politic.” | Right-wing bloggers call the fire “a purification of the body politic.” |
Little-known “fire clause” of the Maastricht Treaty comes into play; Britain must pass a deal in the next two weeks or it will be taken over by German badgers. | Little-known “fire clause” of the Maastricht Treaty comes into play; Britain must pass a deal in the next two weeks or it will be taken over by German badgers. |
A hasty general election is called. It is won by a new political party called Feudalism Now Please. | A hasty general election is called. It is won by a new political party called Feudalism Now Please. |
The party approaches Elizabeth II as a possible figurehead. She indicates she cannot get involved because she is above politics. | The party approaches Elizabeth II as a possible figurehead. She indicates she cannot get involved because she is above politics. |
Feudalism Now Please prepares to invade Europe. | Feudalism Now Please prepares to invade Europe. |
David Cameron offers to immolate himself on a pyre; he is refused. | David Cameron offers to immolate himself on a pyre; he is refused. |
MPs are locked inside the chamber without food and iPhones until they agree on a deal. | MPs are locked inside the chamber without food and iPhones until they agree on a deal. |
All the Liberal Democrats are eaten, but the remaining MPs still fail to reach a deal. The last British Parliament thus dissolves itself in blood. | All the Liberal Democrats are eaten, but the remaining MPs still fail to reach a deal. The last British Parliament thus dissolves itself in blood. |
Some parliamentarians are discovered alive. They survived by hiding in a cupboard and eating Michael Gove. | Some parliamentarians are discovered alive. They survived by hiding in a cupboard and eating Michael Gove. |
They decide to solve the deadlock by sacrificing a goat and reading its entrails for guidance. | They decide to solve the deadlock by sacrificing a goat and reading its entrails for guidance. |
They cannot agree on what the entrails say. | They cannot agree on what the entrails say. |
Douglas Carswell and Daniel Hannan, philosophical godfathers of Brexit, are kidnapped by Remainiacs and placed in Freudian psychoanalysis in north London. | Douglas Carswell and Daniel Hannan, philosophical godfathers of Brexit, are kidnapped by Remainiacs and placed in Freudian psychoanalysis in north London. |
They realize that Europe is really their parents. | They realize that Europe is really their parents. |
They are contrite. They forgive their parents, but it is too late. No one forgives them. | They are contrite. They forgive their parents, but it is too late. No one forgives them. |
Tanya Gold (@TanyaGold1) is a writer for Harper’s Magazine. | Tanya Gold (@TanyaGold1) is a writer for Harper’s Magazine. |
The Times is committed to publishing a diversity of letters to the editor. We’d like to hear what you think about this or any of our articles. Here are some tips. And here’s our email: letters@nytimes.com. | The Times is committed to publishing a diversity of letters to the editor. We’d like to hear what you think about this or any of our articles. Here are some tips. And here’s our email: letters@nytimes.com. |
Follow The New York Times Opinion section on Facebook, Twitter (@NYTopinion) and Instagram. | Follow The New York Times Opinion section on Facebook, Twitter (@NYTopinion) and Instagram. |
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