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What Comes Next in the Brexit Fever Dream? So Boris Johnson Has a Deal. What Next?
(about 3 hours later)
Boris Johnson has a Brexit deal with the European Union! But the path ahead is still fraught with peril. What could come next?
We enter the sunlit uplands.We enter the sunlit uplands.
The uplands are, in fact, disappointingly cloudy.The uplands are, in fact, disappointingly cloudy.
We crash out on Halloween, thick with metaphor.We crash out on Halloween, thick with metaphor.
Britain is taken over by bears.Britain is taken over by bears.
Boris is called a “saboteur.”Boris is called a “saboteur.”
Jacob Rees-Mogg decides to flood the Channel Tunnel and asks civil engineers whether Europe can be made farther away.Jacob Rees-Mogg decides to flood the Channel Tunnel and asks civil engineers whether Europe can be made farther away.
The civil engineers say probably not.The civil engineers say probably not.
He tweaks his top hat to a jauntier angle and calls them “saboteurs.”He tweaks his top hat to a jauntier angle and calls them “saboteurs.”
The E.U., offended, rescinds its extension.The E.U., offended, rescinds its extension.
We crash out on Halloween, thick with metaphor.We crash out on Halloween, thick with metaphor.
Britain is taken over by wolves.Britain is taken over by wolves.
We crash out on Halloween, thick with metaphor.We crash out on Halloween, thick with metaphor.
Britain is taken over by geese.Britain is taken over by geese.
Boris goes to prison for ignoring the Benn Act, which made no deal illegal.Boris goes to prison for ignoring the Benn Act, which made no deal illegal.
He becomes a heroic prisoner of conscience and enjoys corresponding with female pen pals.He becomes a heroic prisoner of conscience and enjoys corresponding with female pen pals.
Sales of Spam, condensed milk and turnips — so-called Nostalgia Cuisine — skyrocket.Sales of Spam, condensed milk and turnips — so-called Nostalgia Cuisine — skyrocket.
Europe falls to fascism! Britain, vindicated, stands alone.Europe falls to fascism! Britain, vindicated, stands alone.
Devon has a Renaissance (“Devonaissance”), which surprises it.Devon has a Renaissance (“Devonaissance”), which surprises it.
Right-wing bloggers call the fire “a purification of the body politic.”Right-wing bloggers call the fire “a purification of the body politic.”
Little-known “fire clause” of the Maastricht Treaty comes into play; Britain must pass a deal in the next two weeks or it will be taken over by German badgers.Little-known “fire clause” of the Maastricht Treaty comes into play; Britain must pass a deal in the next two weeks or it will be taken over by German badgers.
A hasty general election is called. It is won by a new political party called Feudalism Now Please.A hasty general election is called. It is won by a new political party called Feudalism Now Please.
The party approaches Elizabeth II as a possible figurehead. She indicates she cannot get involved because she is above politics.The party approaches Elizabeth II as a possible figurehead. She indicates she cannot get involved because she is above politics.
Feudalism Now Please prepares to invade Europe.Feudalism Now Please prepares to invade Europe.
David Cameron offers to immolate himself on a pyre; he is refused.David Cameron offers to immolate himself on a pyre; he is refused.
MPs are locked inside the chamber without food and iPhones until they agree on a deal.MPs are locked inside the chamber without food and iPhones until they agree on a deal.
All the Liberal Democrats are eaten, but the remaining MPs still fail to reach a deal. The last British Parliament thus dissolves itself in blood.All the Liberal Democrats are eaten, but the remaining MPs still fail to reach a deal. The last British Parliament thus dissolves itself in blood.
Some parliamentarians are discovered alive. They survived by hiding in a cupboard and eating Michael Gove.Some parliamentarians are discovered alive. They survived by hiding in a cupboard and eating Michael Gove.
They decide to solve the deadlock by sacrificing a goat and reading its entrails for guidance.They decide to solve the deadlock by sacrificing a goat and reading its entrails for guidance.
They cannot agree on what the entrails say.They cannot agree on what the entrails say.
Douglas Carswell and Daniel Hannan, philosophical godfathers of Brexit, are kidnapped by Remainiacs and placed in Freudian psychoanalysis in north London.Douglas Carswell and Daniel Hannan, philosophical godfathers of Brexit, are kidnapped by Remainiacs and placed in Freudian psychoanalysis in north London.
They realize that Europe is really their parents.They realize that Europe is really their parents.
They are contrite. They forgive their parents, but it is too late. No one forgives them.They are contrite. They forgive their parents, but it is too late. No one forgives them.
Tanya Gold (@TanyaGold1) is a writer for Harper’s Magazine.Tanya Gold (@TanyaGold1) is a writer for Harper’s Magazine.
The Times is committed to publishing a diversity of letters to the editor. We’d like to hear what you think about this or any of our articles. Here are some tips. And here’s our email: letters@nytimes.com.The Times is committed to publishing a diversity of letters to the editor. We’d like to hear what you think about this or any of our articles. Here are some tips. And here’s our email: letters@nytimes.com.
Follow The New York Times Opinion section on Facebook, Twitter (@NYTopinion) and Instagram.Follow The New York Times Opinion section on Facebook, Twitter (@NYTopinion) and Instagram.