Everyone Is Dead, but the Pizza Oven Works

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/19/opinion/sunday/luxury-bunkers-humor.html

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“Larry Hall touts his condominium’s high ceilings and spacious living rooms. Then there are the swimming pool, saunas and movie theater. But what really sets the development apart, in his view, is its ability to survive the apocalypse.” (The New York Times)

Climb 30 feet down the maple-handled ladder, open the two-foot-thick steel door and behold an awe-inspiring vista of life to come: a semicircle of glass providing expansive views of dirt. Which you’ve inherited! It’s just one more reminder that you’re living in luxury and everyone else is dead. In the kitchen, Bosch, Viking and the Vitamix Pro Series blender are the brands that will delight your eyes and palate until food runs out. Which it won’t! This place comes stocked with food that would make an astronaut wet his suit: gourmet, freeze-dried, nourishing and easily paired with a selection of wines kept in our underground cellar (extra charge). B.Y.O.W. — bring your own weapons. Seeking house swap in Switzerland.

My wife and I handpicked each amenity so you’ll live in style when missiles rain hellfire on the unholy sinners. Then, in the interest of full disclosure, I cheated on Marge and she left. So I’ll be honest and state the obvious: This place is big for me. I’d swap our 922 square feet for something smaller and I’m willing to “take a bath,” meaning that I prefer a place with a tub. We have a massive yard perfect for dogs or kids, provided you’re willing to go outside, which, you probably shouldn’t. Gas masks not provided. But a step-by-step looting guide to the nearby restaurants, fish-and-tackle-store and ice-cream shop is. And to my former wife, Marge: If you’re reading this, I may yet be the last man alive on Earth. So I guess that means there’s a chance for us.

When the messiah returns to wreak vengeance on the unholy, what you want — what you’ve earned — is the right to feel superior, in comfort. This bunker sits high on a hill, allowing you to look down on the charred remains of town and the starving masses you now rule. Plus, it has stainless steel appliances, brick pizza oven and a generator-powered media center. With multiple closed-circuit camera feeds and surround-sound speaker system to drown out the screaming of those who failed to plan ahead.

Humanity is obsolete, but your amenities aren’t! This beautiful bunker in Silicon Valley is built to withstand a nuclear blast but, more important, features technology upgrades that will impress even your 15-year-old. Everything here is next-next generation, including a self-driving car that knows every square inch of your 1,100 square feet. Voice-activated appliances, audio-video system and bathroom faucets are so lifelike you’ll forget you may be alone on Earth. Comes with Wi-Fi and dedicated cellular backup if there’s anyone left to call to complain about the sounds of suffering from above. Batteries not included.

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