Gordon Sondland Suddenly Remembered Perjury Is a Thing, Stephen Colbert Says

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/06/arts/television/late-night-gordon-sondland.html

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On Tuesday, the House released a new four-page sworn statement from Gordon Sondland, the American ambassador to the European Union, in which he reversed his previous assertion that he knew nothing about President Trump’s demand that Ukraine investigate the Bidens in exchange for military aid.

“According to him, incriminating testimony from other witnesses, like Bill Taylor, ‘refreshed my recollection about certain conversations.’ [imitating Sondland] Huh, you know what? That testimony I just heard really refreshed the old noodle here. You know, it made me remember one important detail: that I don’t want to go to jail for perjury.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Wow, so this guy is just revising the testimony he gave under oath? We can’t even edit our tweets, but this guy is walking into Congress just like, ‘Oh, you said “quid pro quo.” I thought you said “squid pro quo.” “Quid” makes so much more sense. Yeah, we totally did one of those.’” — TREVOR NOAH

“I’ll be honest. I feel bad for Sondland because he was the first to testify, all right? And he probably thought everyone was going to have his back and also say there was no quid pro quo. But then instead everyone snitched on him, and now he’s like, ‘Yeah, no, no — I’m also changing my story.’” — TREVOR NOAH

“O.K., if that’s something you just remembered, just think of all the small stuff you’re forgetting. Somewhere, there’s a 40-year-old man still waiting to be picked up from soccer.” — SETH MEYERS

“It is sort of like when you were a teenager and you tell your friends, ‘All right, remember, we tell our parents there was no liquor at the party.’ And you tell your parents the story, and they’re like, ‘Yeah, Trevor brought the liquor.’ And you’re like, ‘Uh, I would like to revise my earlier testimony!’” — TREVOR NOAH

“Gee, I wonder what jogged his memory? Maybe he started taking those Omega-3 supplements or something. They say those are very effective against perjury.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“The ambassador has now revised his testimony, while I imagine President Trump is now revising the ambassador’s employment status.” — JAMES CORDEN

“But this was not only a scary day for the president, it was a bigly day for his third favorite son, Donald Jr., who released his first book today. It’s called ‘Triggered,’ which is funny because just like everything DJTJ tries to do, Joe Rogan did three years ago. But this is some book. He attacks Obama, Robert Mueller, CNN, Mitt Romney, George Bush, liberals, the media, the liberal media. Basically, for 18 dollars, you get to read his father’s Twitter account.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Yeah, Donald Trump Jr. has released a new book today called ‘Triggered: How the Left Thrives on Hate and Wants to Silence Us,’ as opposed to its working title, ‘Dad, Do You Love Me Yet?’” — SETH MEYERS

“If you go to Barnes & Noble, it can be found in the ignored children’s section.” — JIMMY FALLON

“But one of the more interesting personal tidbits in the book is the defense of accusations that his father is a racist. He wrote, ‘Oh, and by the way, given all the things my father’s been called — particularly a racist — it sure sounds odd that his son would be allowed to vacation with a black man or hang out with Michael Jackson, doesn’t it?’ Yes, it does sound odd. That sounds very odd. Nothing says I love my son more than leaving him alone in a room with Michael Jackson. Your father’s not racist; he’s insane.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“‘That guy always creeped me out,’ said Michael Jackson.” — SETH MEYERS

“I feel bad for Don Jr. Today he walked into the White House and said, ‘Dad, I have a new book,’ and Trump was like, ‘Oh no — I, uh, lost my reading glasses.’” — JIMMY FALLON

On “The Tonight Show,” Adam Sandler talks with Fallon about the Oscar buzz surrounding his new film, “Uncut Gems.”

Shia LaBeouf will talk with Kimmel about writing his new semi-autobiographical film, “Honey Boy,” in which he plays a fictional version of his father.

The new memoir by the best-selling author Carmen Maria Machado, “In the Dream House,” details the horrific abuse she endured while in a relationship with another woman.