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It’s not a conspiracy. Boris Johnson is just bad at laying wreaths and mopping floors It’s not a conspiracy. Boris Johnson is just bad at laying wreaths and mopping floors
(32 minutes later)
Using old footage of the PM laying a wreath was a rookie error from the BBC. Meanwhile, the Lib Dems get stuck into an Egg McMuffin, says writer Joel GolbyUsing old footage of the PM laying a wreath was a rookie error from the BBC. Meanwhile, the Lib Dems get stuck into an Egg McMuffin, says writer Joel Golby
Proud and elated to announce this week that I have managed to fill in two of my election bingo card squares: I got “Nigel Farage is up to something” and “conspiracy row involving the BBC” one day after another. I just need “man on the street yells directly in the face of standing MP”, “viral Sarah Vine column in which she coyly alludes to Michael Gove being horny” and “Jacob Rees-Mogg looms in the background, terribly” and I win a tenner off Chuka Umunna.Proud and elated to announce this week that I have managed to fill in two of my election bingo card squares: I got “Nigel Farage is up to something” and “conspiracy row involving the BBC” one day after another. I just need “man on the street yells directly in the face of standing MP”, “viral Sarah Vine column in which she coyly alludes to Michael Gove being horny” and “Jacob Rees-Mogg looms in the background, terribly” and I win a tenner off Chuka Umunna.
Anyway, Armistice Day this week, which is either a sombre occasion for reflection on the unfathomably heroic sacrifice hundreds of thousands of soldiers made for our country (good) or a sort of competitive respect event in which there isn’t a single poppy big enough to show our thanks (bad). This year’s Cenotaph-adjacent vein-busters were basically the same as the previous years: “Fury as Jeremy Corbyn fails to shave his head and paint ‘LEST WE FORGET’ across his skull in poppy-red face paint” – and I, for one, am calling for fresh story lines. Nearby, Boris Johnson looked, frankly, as if he’d left my house at 10am in an Uber with a can of Dark Fruit for the road “to perk one up”. He looked like I’d been begging him to get two hours sleep – mate, please, you can use my bed, honestly – but he insists on playing The xx remixes off YouTube instead. Keeps asking me how the PlayStation controller works and whether it is possible to close any more curtains. His phone’s on 1% because he keeps Googling what time the shops open. That sort of thing.Anyway, Armistice Day this week, which is either a sombre occasion for reflection on the unfathomably heroic sacrifice hundreds of thousands of soldiers made for our country (good) or a sort of competitive respect event in which there isn’t a single poppy big enough to show our thanks (bad). This year’s Cenotaph-adjacent vein-busters were basically the same as the previous years: “Fury as Jeremy Corbyn fails to shave his head and paint ‘LEST WE FORGET’ across his skull in poppy-red face paint” – and I, for one, am calling for fresh story lines. Nearby, Boris Johnson looked, frankly, as if he’d left my house at 10am in an Uber with a can of Dark Fruit for the road “to perk one up”. He looked like I’d been begging him to get two hours sleep – mate, please, you can use my bed, honestly – but he insists on playing The xx remixes off YouTube instead. Keeps asking me how the PlayStation controller works and whether it is possible to close any more curtains. His phone’s on 1% because he keeps Googling what time the shops open. That sort of thing.
Only… oh? The footage of the wreath-laying on BBC Breakfast on Monday morning showed a markedly fresher-faced Johnson, laying a different coloured wreath, the right way up this time, and looking, well, as if he didn’t have an entry-stamp to The Dolphin on his inner wrist and £60 in notes in his wallet just in case. Eagle-eyed viewers immediately noticed the discrepancy, and the BBC issued a short mea culpa: the line they stuck to was that footage of the 2016 wreath-laying, prepared for a preview of the 2019 wreath laying, was accidentally used instead of footage of the 2019 ceremony. And because it’s 2019 we all accepted the apology and moved on. Ah, sorry, my mistake, no: because it’s 2019 we’re still talking about it days later and will continue to for many days and possibly years to come. Only… oh? The footage of the wreath-laying on BBC Breakfast on Monday morning showed a markedly fresher-faced Johnson, laying a different coloured wreath, the right way up this time, and looking, well, as if he didn’t have an entry-stamp to The Dolphin on his inner wrist and £60 in notes in his wallet just in case. Eagle-eyed viewers immediately noticed the discrepancy, and the BBC issued a short mea culpa: the line they stuck to was that footage of the 2016 wreath-laying, prepared for a preview of the 2019 wreath laying, was accidentally used instead of footage of the 2019 wreath laying ceremony. And because it’s 2019 we all accepted the apology and moved on. Ah, sorry, my mistake, no: because it’s 2019 we’re still talking about it days later and will continue to for many days and possibly years to come.
Are there lessons from what history will refer to as #Wreathgate? On the one hand, it does seem like a particularly lazy conspiracy to make Boris Johnson look good: is anyone more likely to vote for the man because he combed his hair once three years ago, rather than looking like he finished all my cans at 3am and, in desperation, moved on to that Lucozade bottle full of amaretto I took to Leeds Fest this summer instead? Very hard to tell.Are there lessons from what history will refer to as #Wreathgate? On the one hand, it does seem like a particularly lazy conspiracy to make Boris Johnson look good: is anyone more likely to vote for the man because he combed his hair once three years ago, rather than looking like he finished all my cans at 3am and, in desperation, moved on to that Lucozade bottle full of amaretto I took to Leeds Fest this summer instead? Very hard to tell.
On the other hand: if you’ve ever seen a nerd in a dark room editing video you would realise how particularly difficult it would be to reach three years back into the archives and accidentally splice one shot in among the fresh stuff – it is simply too many mouse-clicks to fathom. On a third hand, which is a thing: Rob Burley, the editor for BBC live political programmes and unlikely star of this election so far, came out and tweeted a Big And Bruising denial (“wave upon wave of insulting, self-righteous and hysterical tweets keep on coming because people really want it to be true”), which perversely makes me believe the conspiracy more. I don’t know what to do.On the other hand: if you’ve ever seen a nerd in a dark room editing video you would realise how particularly difficult it would be to reach three years back into the archives and accidentally splice one shot in among the fresh stuff – it is simply too many mouse-clicks to fathom. On a third hand, which is a thing: Rob Burley, the editor for BBC live political programmes and unlikely star of this election so far, came out and tweeted a Big And Bruising denial (“wave upon wave of insulting, self-righteous and hysterical tweets keep on coming because people really want it to be true”), which perversely makes me believe the conspiracy more. I don’t know what to do.
What I do know is this: if you’re going to do a conspiracy in big, big 2019, do it a bit better than that. Do you know how many eyes are watching? Do you know how many high-functioning online entire subreddits dedicated to this there are? Do you know how on edge we all are after the whole Epstein thing? In 2016, American conspiracy heads got carried away and fired a rifle in a pizza parlour because it didn’t have a big enough basement. We’re not in the mood for this any more. You can’t go round splicing respectful footage into other respectful footage and thinking you can get away with it. Do better, BBC. Do better.What I do know is this: if you’re going to do a conspiracy in big, big 2019, do it a bit better than that. Do you know how many eyes are watching? Do you know how many high-functioning online entire subreddits dedicated to this there are? Do you know how on edge we all are after the whole Epstein thing? In 2016, American conspiracy heads got carried away and fired a rifle in a pizza parlour because it didn’t have a big enough basement. We’re not in the mood for this any more. You can’t go round splicing respectful footage into other respectful footage and thinking you can get away with it. Do better, BBC. Do better.
Other things to hate or enjoy – delete as appropriateOther things to hate or enjoy – delete as appropriate
Sorry to double-down on Boris Johnson but the footage of him going to flooded Derbyshire and tepidly mopping up a Specsavers is very fascinating to me. There’s always something intriguing about watching politicians trying to act like people under the laser-hot glare of the media – we all remember how spectacularly Ed Miliband messed up eating a sandwich just because someone was watching him – but the man cleans like he’s only been introduced to the sheer concept of mopping in a short brief on the car ride over (“It’s a series of strings on the end of a stick, Boris, commonly used on the wetter end of domestic messes”). Would be very up for a series of videos of him just doing things over the next five weeks. Scratching his head over the recycling schedule. Logging into Netflix using only a TV remote. Changing the timer on his oven after the clocks go back. Sky News, hit me up for more. Sorry to double-down on Boris Johnson – I know, I know, I’m part of the conspiracy too – but the footage of him going to flooded Derbyshire and tepidly mopping up a Specsavers is very fascinating to me. There’s always something intriguing about watching politicians trying to act like people under the laser-hot glare of the media – we all remember how spectacularly Ed Miliband messed up eating a sandwich just because someone was watching him – but the man cleans like he’s only been introduced to the sheer concept of mopping in a short brief on the car ride over (“It’s a series of strings on the end of a stick, Boris, commonly used on the wetter end of domestic messes”). Would be very up for a series of videos of him just doing things over the next five weeks. Scratching his head over the recycling schedule. Logging into Netflix using only a TV remote. Changing the timer on his oven after the clocks go back. Sky News, hit me up for more.
Two key policies from the Lib Dems this week: the first, a proposed lifelong-learning “skills wallet” grant of £10,000 for every adult in the UK – or about one year of tuition fees, if you’re counting. The skills wallet is a sort of manifesto equivalent of stepping on a rake you last left outside nine entire years ago – and has already been picked over by more cerebral columnists, so it falls to me to announce the second: a later breakfast policy at McDonald’s, suggested as a joke by Lib Dem HQ, which would be a disaster for this country. The strict 10.30am cut-off that currently exists works on two levels: it gets hungover people out of bed with some sort of deadline to work to, and it means cooks don’t have to keep a fried egg warm all day in an over-capacity kitchen. If you want an Egg McMuffin, wake up and get it. Anything beyond that is anti-worker, frankly. This should be a far bigger furore than it is.Two key policies from the Lib Dems this week: the first, a proposed lifelong-learning “skills wallet” grant of £10,000 for every adult in the UK – or about one year of tuition fees, if you’re counting. The skills wallet is a sort of manifesto equivalent of stepping on a rake you last left outside nine entire years ago – and has already been picked over by more cerebral columnists, so it falls to me to announce the second: a later breakfast policy at McDonald’s, suggested as a joke by Lib Dem HQ, which would be a disaster for this country. The strict 10.30am cut-off that currently exists works on two levels: it gets hungover people out of bed with some sort of deadline to work to, and it means cooks don’t have to keep a fried egg warm all day in an over-capacity kitchen. If you want an Egg McMuffin, wake up and get it. Anything beyond that is anti-worker, frankly. This should be a far bigger furore than it is.
• Joel Golby is the author of Brilliant, Brilliant, Brilliant, Brilliant, Brilliant. He is writing a regular column during the election campaign• Joel Golby is the author of Brilliant, Brilliant, Brilliant, Brilliant, Brilliant. He is writing a regular column during the election campaign