Jennifer Arcuri turns Johnson heartbreak into comedy horror
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Version 0 of 1. She says she’s kept his secrets and he’s treated her like a gremlin. Could she be dangerous to the PM? On the day Boris Johnson addressed the CBI, it’s great to get a firmer idea of what he meant when he said “fuck business”. And who better to give it to us than the CEO of one of the businesses he will surely end up completely fucking. Yes, it’s time to hear a whole lot more from our favourite cray-cray multihyphenate, the model/entrepreneur/infosec-something Jennifer Arcuri. Finally, a proper sublebrity enters the election campaign, as Jennifer breaks six weeks of silence with an ITV special, a Good Morning Britain appearance and a mesmerising Victoria Derbyshire interview in which she declared: “No one’s understood Boris Johnson better than I have for the last 10 years.” So tell us about the man behind the man. He’s “deep”, revealed Arcuri, not “shallow as a paddling pool”. Right. A “very considerate person”. Also, “a man of his word”. Go on. “He saw my arc, he saw my progression as a woman graduating and becoming a mature entrepreneur.” Any more? “He liked my events. He enjoyed coming. You know, he really did like Innotech.” Babe, he didn’t. None of this. But you do have to feel for Arcuri, who has spent two months in the eye of a media storm for Johnson, yet whose sole successful attempt to get through to the PM to ask his advice on how to handle it saw him immediately chuck his phone to an aide, who she says began “pathetically mocking” her in a Chinese accent. At least, we have to assume it was an aide. Even though it doesn’t take long to find a Boris Johnson Spectator column in which he ventriloquises a flummoxed Chinese air stewardess saying “Velly solly” to him. Is the prime minister velly solly about what has happened to his fellow platinum blond(e), who famously gave him technology lessons and accompanied him on various trade missions like they were a pair of beta version Targaryens? Of course not! Not remotely. Fuck business. Or as Johnson was tweeting at the very moment Arcuri was describing being hung out to dry by him: “We can only invest in our great public services if we support the entrepreneurs, businesses and hardworking people who get up each day to build our strong economy.” I know, right? Unless he hardworkingly shags entrepreneurs and businesswomen, you literally can’t have an NHS. That’s just economics. But back to Arcuri. As far as a style aesthetic goes, Jennifer may be Baby Spice refusing to retire the look. But energy-wise, she is pure Geri. Asked during ITV’s Sunday night interview what she would say to Johnson, she stared straight down the camera and stated: “You know that I’ve been nothing but loyal, faithful, supportive and a true confidante of yours. I have kept your secrets and I have been your friend, and I don’t understand why you’ve blocked me and ignored me as if I were some fleeting one-night stand, some girl that you picked up at a bar, because I wasn’t. And you KNOW that. And I’m terribly heartbroken by the way that you have cast me aside, like I am some … GREMLIN.” Well now. If I had to zone in on the one thing I loved about the above quote, it would be: everything about the above quote. But particularly the way Jennifer graciously acknowledges this situation’s debt to another classic entertainment franchise. With the gremlin reference, it feels as though she’s explicitly placing her and Boris in the comedy horror genre. And, you know … likewise. Very much likewise. As the original Gremlins tagline ran: “Cute. Clever. Mischievous. Intelligent. Dangerous.” Could she be dangerous to him? The investigation into his London mayoral dealings with her rumbles on, and Arcuri now says Johnson should have declared the nature of their relationship. But what was its nature? “I’m not going to answer that question,” she told GMB, “but as you can tell there was a very special relationship there.” Elsewhere she explained she wasn’t “going to patronise the public”. Very kind. And I’m sure the public could live without GMB’s Lorraine Kelly having a go at Jennifer for avoiding questions. It’s better than avoiding tax, Lorraine. As for what it is Arcuri wants, she says it’s simple: an apology from Johnson for ghosting her, for him to “man up and to pick up the phone to me”, and for him “to acknowledge the fact that for a long time I was a part of his life”. This feels quite relatable – and also quite unlikely to happen on the stump in Nuneaton. The most worrying moment for Johnson’s team will have been the bit where Derbyshire told the otherwise elliptic Arcuri she could help him out by saying there was no conflict of interest. Quick as a flash she shot back: “And he could help me out. Like, two months ago.” She’d sent him a text, she revealed. “You wanna read it?” she asked, reaching for her phone. “‘Is this the price of loyalty? To be hung up on, ignored and blocked? Why would I remain silent if you can’t even speak to me?’” So there you have Jennifer Arcuri in all her, like, glory – this election’s picaresque anti-heroine. And I’m afraid we all know what happens to those. In the story of Tess of the d’Urbervilles, who would definitely have been monstered on GMB, Thomas Hardy is clear: “The woman pays.” And so with Jennifer of the Arcuris. The woman pays. The prime minister? Nah, seems unlikely. But that’s business. Try not to choke on it. |