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| Sub Dom shrinks in the face of Big Mike’s stage-managed bantz | Sub Dom shrinks in the face of Big Mike’s stage-managed bantz |
| (about 1 hour later) | |
| Forget Huawei. And Brexit. A new special relationship has dawned – just don’t ask too many questions | Forget Huawei. And Brexit. A new special relationship has dawned – just don’t ask too many questions |
| Not so much a conversation, more a therapeutic intervention for two men with massive anger management issues. A public mediation session where Dominic Raab and his US counterpart, the secretary of state, Mike Pompeo, were challenged to go a full 40 minutes without losing their temper, abusing one another or deflecting blame. A chance to listen without passing judgment, and to break the habits of a lifetime by accepting some personal responsibility. However difficult and insincere that might be. Fake it to make it and all that. It was all most irregular, though highly effective. The day that Dom became Sub. | Not so much a conversation, more a therapeutic intervention for two men with massive anger management issues. A public mediation session where Dominic Raab and his US counterpart, the secretary of state, Mike Pompeo, were challenged to go a full 40 minutes without losing their temper, abusing one another or deflecting blame. A chance to listen without passing judgment, and to break the habits of a lifetime by accepting some personal responsibility. However difficult and insincere that might be. Fake it to make it and all that. It was all most irregular, though highly effective. The day that Dom became Sub. |
| You’d have thought that what with the UK’s decision to grant Huawei access to its 5G infrastructure and the US going rogue both on Iran and a one-sided Middle East peace deal that didn’t involve the Palestinians, there might have been a little tension in the talks between Raab and Pompeo. But in the capable, Mogadon hands of Dean Godson, director of the thinktank Policy Exchange, neither man said a word out of place. Indeed they barely completed a sentence through which anyone – themselves included – could stay awake. As though the whole event had been deliberately designed to be as dull as possible. | You’d have thought that what with the UK’s decision to grant Huawei access to its 5G infrastructure and the US going rogue both on Iran and a one-sided Middle East peace deal that didn’t involve the Palestinians, there might have been a little tension in the talks between Raab and Pompeo. But in the capable, Mogadon hands of Dean Godson, director of the thinktank Policy Exchange, neither man said a word out of place. Indeed they barely completed a sentence through which anyone – themselves included – could stay awake. As though the whole event had been deliberately designed to be as dull as possible. |
| Godson opened up with a gentle lob on Brexit. How was it going? It was going just great, said Raab, gripping his chair nervously as he waited for the full effects of his anti-psychotic medication to take effect. Brexit would fill Britain with self-confidence and ambition. The “can do” spirit. | Godson opened up with a gentle lob on Brexit. How was it going? It was going just great, said Raab, gripping his chair nervously as he waited for the full effects of his anti-psychotic medication to take effect. Brexit would fill Britain with self-confidence and ambition. The “can do” spirit. |
| Weirdly, now that Brexit has become a reality, Raab appears to have become more and more submissive. All his usual swagger and aggression has dissipated and he has become more hesitant and less self-assured now that he is fully accountable for his actions. Perhaps he is worried he might get reshuffled. He looked up needily towards Pompeo, desperate for some affirmation. Big Mike – the proper Dom, the man with the real power in the relationship – duly obliged. Everything was going to be just fine. The US loved democracy – apart from the impeachmenty bits – and the UK would be first in line for any trade deal. | Weirdly, now that Brexit has become a reality, Raab appears to have become more and more submissive. All his usual swagger and aggression has dissipated and he has become more hesitant and less self-assured now that he is fully accountable for his actions. Perhaps he is worried he might get reshuffled. He looked up needily towards Pompeo, desperate for some affirmation. Big Mike – the proper Dom, the man with the real power in the relationship – duly obliged. Everything was going to be just fine. The US loved democracy – apart from the impeachmenty bits – and the UK would be first in line for any trade deal. |
| “Thank you, Daddy,” whispered Sub Dom. | “Thank you, Daddy,” whispered Sub Dom. |
| Pompeo went on to mumble something about how when he had previously said that a UK deal with Huawei would put the mockers on any trade agreement with the US he had only been joshing. Hey, if you couldn’t have some bantz with your friends, who could you have it with? I mean, sometimes things got a bit out of hand and people slept with each others’ partners, but nothing that couldn’t be resolved over a cold beer and a trade war. Or a military one, come to that. | |
| Yes, nodded Sub Dom. That was it. We shared so much. We were best friends, weren’t we? Best Friends Forever. He would never have dreamed of doing anything to upset the US. And to prove he really meant that, he wanted it totally on record that he was totally cool with whatever Big Mike wanted to do in Iran. He completely accepted that the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action was not as effective as it might have been and if the US wanted to unilaterally come up with an entirely different proposal, then he was all ears. | Yes, nodded Sub Dom. That was it. We shared so much. We were best friends, weren’t we? Best Friends Forever. He would never have dreamed of doing anything to upset the US. And to prove he really meant that, he wanted it totally on record that he was totally cool with whatever Big Mike wanted to do in Iran. He completely accepted that the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action was not as effective as it might have been and if the US wanted to unilaterally come up with an entirely different proposal, then he was all ears. |
| Only once did Dom Mike threaten to go off script. That was when he lapsed into a second mini rant about Huawei and the Chinese government. Letting Huawei into your 5G network wasn’t opening a back door to the Commie bastards. It was opening the front door. So the US would have to think real hard about what levels of intelligence it was going to share with any country dumb enough to do something like that. But luckily, Godson manage to retrieve the situation and to bring the discussion back to the entirely anodyne. | Only once did Dom Mike threaten to go off script. That was when he lapsed into a second mini rant about Huawei and the Chinese government. Letting Huawei into your 5G network wasn’t opening a back door to the Commie bastards. It was opening the front door. So the US would have to think real hard about what levels of intelligence it was going to share with any country dumb enough to do something like that. But luckily, Godson manage to retrieve the situation and to bring the discussion back to the entirely anodyne. |
| “OK, we’re going to take a few questions now,” said Godson. But could everyone bear in mind that Dom Mike and Sub Dom were in very early recovery and their relationship was still extremely fragile? So if everyone could steer clear of Israel and any more tricky questions about trade deals, he would be much obliged. Besides, hadn’t both men already made clear how absolutely brilliant everything was going to be from now on? So perhaps people could ask them about their favourite violent video games instead? | |
| By now, everyone in the audience was too comatose to argue. They just wanted the whole thing to end. There was only so much saccharine, stage-managed public displays of affection anyone could take. Though one journalist did ask whether the two men would consider swapping Prince Andrew for Anne Sacoolas. We’d hand over an alleged royal paedophile and the US would give us a hit and run driver. It promised to be an interesting line in philosophical diplomacy. Which country would claim Jennifer Arcuri? And what would you get in return for a Nigel Farage and an Anne Widdecombe? | By now, everyone in the audience was too comatose to argue. They just wanted the whole thing to end. There was only so much saccharine, stage-managed public displays of affection anyone could take. Though one journalist did ask whether the two men would consider swapping Prince Andrew for Anne Sacoolas. We’d hand over an alleged royal paedophile and the US would give us a hit and run driver. It promised to be an interesting line in philosophical diplomacy. Which country would claim Jennifer Arcuri? And what would you get in return for a Nigel Farage and an Anne Widdecombe? |
| But this was all getting far too out of control for Godson, so he rapidly brought the event to a close. It had all gone near enough perfectly with Dom and Sub taking their first baby steps together in public. He still didn’t have much confidence in both men. Hell, they hadn’t even begun to get near any of the really tricky stuff. But if there was to be a falling out, it could happen later. Behind closed doors. | But this was all getting far too out of control for Godson, so he rapidly brought the event to a close. It had all gone near enough perfectly with Dom and Sub taking their first baby steps together in public. He still didn’t have much confidence in both men. Hell, they hadn’t even begun to get near any of the really tricky stuff. But if there was to be a falling out, it could happen later. Behind closed doors. |