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| The Internet Makes Motherhood Seem Miserable. What if It Isn’t? | The Internet Makes Motherhood Seem Miserable. What if It Isn’t? |
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| The internet almost scared me out of having a baby. | The internet almost scared me out of having a baby. |
| By the time I reached my early 30s, I had read every miserable Facebook post from people I knew with kids, ranting about never being able to sleep past 5 a.m. or returning to work with the haze of “mom brain.” I had clicked on articles that promised the “real truth” about painful postpartum sex or about losing friends when your baby takes over your social life. | |
| My husband and I weren’t sure if we wanted a child. We waited until we felt as though we could endure the hits we were warned would come with a new baby. A joint account labeled “possible family or vacation” had slowly swelled since we’d become eight years earlier, and we’d reached a steady place in our careers and our relationship. We didn’t have a clear reason to try for a baby, but we also didn’t have one not to. | |
| Still, I read so much about infertility that after 20 years on the pill, I doubted whether I could conceive at all. Eventually, two faint pink lines overruled that concern, and I began worrying about miscarriage rates instead. | Still, I read so much about infertility that after 20 years on the pill, I doubted whether I could conceive at all. Eventually, two faint pink lines overruled that concern, and I began worrying about miscarriage rates instead. |
| I spent nine months bracing for the worst. I kept a list of over 350 things I Googled, from “tips for telling boss about pregnancy” to “leaking boobs second trimester” and “can you drink kombucha while pregnant.” I followed three pregnancy podcasts, two daily pregnancy apps, a weekly live chat on pregnancy nutrition and dozens of Instagram accounts and message boards. After listening to an episode of “Preggie Pals,” I became convinced that I was at risk of short, precipitous labor and brought it up at every doctor’s appointment. An article from Whole Mamas persuaded me to give up sugar out of concern about gestational diabetes. | |
| I mentally prepared for things I never knew to worry about before: pelvic floor injuries and marital resentment and postpartum anxiety. I heard enough stories to know that birth would be a mess and motherhood would change everything, mostly for the worse. | I mentally prepared for things I never knew to worry about before: pelvic floor injuries and marital resentment and postpartum anxiety. I heard enough stories to know that birth would be a mess and motherhood would change everything, mostly for the worse. |
| I never expected what actually happened. “I wasn’t quite prepared for how much fun it’s been,” I wrote on my son’s first birthday last year, sharing a video with chronological clips of him cooing and crying and crawling. | I never expected what actually happened. “I wasn’t quite prepared for how much fun it’s been,” I wrote on my son’s first birthday last year, sharing a video with chronological clips of him cooing and crying and crawling. |
| My caption was an understatement. I was afraid of coming off as braggy after lucking out with an easy baby. I felt as clearheaded, happy and well rested as before I became a mom. Rarely fussy, never sick, my baby slept all night in his crib, not stirring until 9 a.m. or later. He was sociable, happy to tag along on lunch dates or trips to the store, where he’d yell “Hi!” at strangers who complimented his bright red hair. At our command, he could blow kisses, turn on our Roomba vacuum cleaner and point his finger like E.T. | My caption was an understatement. I was afraid of coming off as braggy after lucking out with an easy baby. I felt as clearheaded, happy and well rested as before I became a mom. Rarely fussy, never sick, my baby slept all night in his crib, not stirring until 9 a.m. or later. He was sociable, happy to tag along on lunch dates or trips to the store, where he’d yell “Hi!” at strangers who complimented his bright red hair. At our command, he could blow kisses, turn on our Roomba vacuum cleaner and point his finger like E.T. |
| The truth is, I spent the entire year waiting for the other bootie to drop. I was shocked that I didn’t just endure early motherhood — I was delighted by it. | The truth is, I spent the entire year waiting for the other bootie to drop. I was shocked that I didn’t just endure early motherhood — I was delighted by it. |
| In their efforts not to sugarcoat the difficulties of modern parenting, online resources for moms have become a scary place. Over a decade ago, rants and frank stories about “what nobody tells you about parenthood” became fodder for the mommy blogosphere (typically ending with a cheerful caveat that “it’s all worth it”). More recently, complaints have evolved from endless laundry and bratty toddlers to weightier matters like postpartum mental health, birth trauma and the lack of support for working moms. | In their efforts not to sugarcoat the difficulties of modern parenting, online resources for moms have become a scary place. Over a decade ago, rants and frank stories about “what nobody tells you about parenthood” became fodder for the mommy blogosphere (typically ending with a cheerful caveat that “it’s all worth it”). More recently, complaints have evolved from endless laundry and bratty toddlers to weightier matters like postpartum mental health, birth trauma and the lack of support for working moms. |
| The internet has offered a crucial platform to speak up about these issues and extend solidarity to moms in their darkest moments — whether through evidenced-based research or snarky memes. Indeed, for mothers who suffer from postpartum depression or anxiety, their experience may in fact be much worse than they’ve been warned. | The internet has offered a crucial platform to speak up about these issues and extend solidarity to moms in their darkest moments — whether through evidenced-based research or snarky memes. Indeed, for mothers who suffer from postpartum depression or anxiety, their experience may in fact be much worse than they’ve been warned. |
| But somewhere between the desperate confessions and the impossibly picture-perfect life some moms dreamed of (or curated on Instagram), there’s the reality that many of us will experience in the first years of motherhood: It’s not always going to be easy, but it’s going to be all right. | But somewhere between the desperate confessions and the impossibly picture-perfect life some moms dreamed of (or curated on Instagram), there’s the reality that many of us will experience in the first years of motherhood: It’s not always going to be easy, but it’s going to be all right. |
| “I think people have been telling pregnant ladies horror stories for ages,” said Hillary Frank, who created the podcast “The Longest Shortest Time” (and eventually the book “Weird Parenting Wins”) in the aftermath of her own disorienting experience of early motherhood a decade ago. “What’s new is the memoirs, op-eds and comics detailing those traumas. I’m so glad that these stories are being unearthed. But we can’t just stop at, ‘Sometimes things just suck.’” | “I think people have been telling pregnant ladies horror stories for ages,” said Hillary Frank, who created the podcast “The Longest Shortest Time” (and eventually the book “Weird Parenting Wins”) in the aftermath of her own disorienting experience of early motherhood a decade ago. “What’s new is the memoirs, op-eds and comics detailing those traumas. I’m so glad that these stories are being unearthed. But we can’t just stop at, ‘Sometimes things just suck.’” |
| It’s a tricky balance. Ms. Frank’s show tried to feature the “most surprising” stories about parenting, including the weird and wonderful, not merely the “most horrific.” The popular site Motherly frames honesty about motherhood as a source of inspiration, showing off stretched-out postpartum bellies and startinging a campaign for better maternal health support. In its State of Motherhood survey, 85 percent of millennial moms said they didn’t think society understood or supported them. | |
| “Our mantra is ‘You’ve got this,’ but I don’t think that philosophy needs to contradict with the fact that life can be difficult as a whole, and that very real, very heavy problems exist,” said Karell Roxas, Motherly’s editor in chief. “But what I think we don’t hear enough of in the media and the world at large is that you’re capable.” | “Our mantra is ‘You’ve got this,’ but I don’t think that philosophy needs to contradict with the fact that life can be difficult as a whole, and that very real, very heavy problems exist,” said Karell Roxas, Motherly’s editor in chief. “But what I think we don’t hear enough of in the media and the world at large is that you’re capable.” |
| At a time when women are especially prone to anxiety — and when many have ruled out parenthood as too much of a burden already — the online chatter can fuel our fears. During my pregnancy, Bustle came out with a headline stating what so many articles implied: “Young Women Are Convinced Motherhood Is Going To Suck — And They’re Right.” | At a time when women are especially prone to anxiety — and when many have ruled out parenthood as too much of a burden already — the online chatter can fuel our fears. During my pregnancy, Bustle came out with a headline stating what so many articles implied: “Young Women Are Convinced Motherhood Is Going To Suck — And They’re Right.” |
| No wonder plenty of us delay pregnancy only to enter motherhood with trepidation. But for all the “expecting the worst,” we could benefit from “hoping for the best” — and knowing it’s a real possibility. | No wonder plenty of us delay pregnancy only to enter motherhood with trepidation. But for all the “expecting the worst,” we could benefit from “hoping for the best” — and knowing it’s a real possibility. |
| Like many first-time moms, I went past my due date. My careful birth plan was replaced with a hooked-up, drugged-up induction to welcome a baby boy who was bigger than any of us expected. The doctor placed him on my chest for that skin-to-skin time that the experts say is so important. He was chubby and slippery, like a nine-pound bag of pudding. We took a selfie. | Like many first-time moms, I went past my due date. My careful birth plan was replaced with a hooked-up, drugged-up induction to welcome a baby boy who was bigger than any of us expected. The doctor placed him on my chest for that skin-to-skin time that the experts say is so important. He was chubby and slippery, like a nine-pound bag of pudding. We took a selfie. |
| It was the first of many milestones that turned out not tragic, not magical, but fine in the end. Despite the warnings, my life has not ended up as some punishing trade-off where I’ve had to give up my identity and my body in exchange for the intangible joy of having a little one call me Mama. The day-to-day has been sweet, satisfying and manageable. | |
| Perhaps reading about the worst-case scenarios gave me perspective. But they also kept me from accepting when things turned out well. When a seatmate complimented my zonked-out 4-month-old on his first flight, I told her that he’d probably give me trouble when he got older. “Don’t say that,” she pushed back. “Stop assuming there has to be a bad phase coming.” | Perhaps reading about the worst-case scenarios gave me perspective. But they also kept me from accepting when things turned out well. When a seatmate complimented my zonked-out 4-month-old on his first flight, I told her that he’d probably give me trouble when he got older. “Don’t say that,” she pushed back. “Stop assuming there has to be a bad phase coming.” |
| Even now, nearly two years later, the doomsday fears linger. We’re not planning to have another baby, thinking that our first must have been a fluke. I still pause over the tearful selfies by new moms and emotional posts about life upheaval. I’m cautious about what I share about my own happy and healthy son, afraid that all the giddy updates come off as privileged, boastful or disingenuous. | |
| But when expectant parents ask for advice, I’ll tell them straight-up: Stop worrying. “When you get so overwhelmed that you think, ‘How will we do this forever?’, know that it won’t last that long,” I said to a friend at a baby shower. “Babies grow quickly, and you adapt too.” | But when expectant parents ask for advice, I’ll tell them straight-up: Stop worrying. “When you get so overwhelmed that you think, ‘How will we do this forever?’, know that it won’t last that long,” I said to a friend at a baby shower. “Babies grow quickly, and you adapt too.” |
| I recently saw an Instagram post that asked moms, “What do you wish someone would have told you about postpartum?” I remember scrolling through those lists before I became pregnant. Now that I’m on the other side, there’s one thing I want more new moms to know: Everything could turn out OK. | I recently saw an Instagram post that asked moms, “What do you wish someone would have told you about postpartum?” I remember scrolling through those lists before I became pregnant. Now that I’m on the other side, there’s one thing I want more new moms to know: Everything could turn out OK. |
| Kate Shellnutt (@kateshellnutt) is a writer and a senior editor at Christianity Today magazine. | Kate Shellnutt (@kateshellnutt) is a writer and a senior editor at Christianity Today magazine. |
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