This article is from the source 'nytimes' and was first published or seen on . It last changed over 40 days ago and won't be checked again for changes.
You can find the current article at its original source at https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/20/parenting/coronavirus-divorce-coparenting.html
The article has changed 25 times. There is an RSS feed of changes available.
| Version 4 | Version 5 |
|---|---|
| My Ex and I Fought About Everything. Then Came the Coronavirus. | My Ex and I Fought About Everything. Then Came the Coronavirus. |
| (about 5 hours later) | |
| As coronavirus continues to spread across the globe, we’re working to answer the questions on many parents’ minds. This is a fast-moving situation, so some information may be outdated. For the latest updates, read The New York Times’s live coronavirus coverage here. | As coronavirus continues to spread across the globe, we’re working to answer the questions on many parents’ minds. This is a fast-moving situation, so some information may be outdated. For the latest updates, read The New York Times’s live coronavirus coverage here. |
| Nearly two months ago, when the new coronavirus was upending life in China, I felt for those living through this nightmare. As the news became more and more dire, I began worrying about the virus making its way to the United States. I cycled through anxieties about illness and quarantine, but my biggest fear was how my soon-to-be-ex-husband and I would handle this. | Nearly two months ago, when the new coronavirus was upending life in China, I felt for those living through this nightmare. As the news became more and more dire, I began worrying about the virus making its way to the United States. I cycled through anxieties about illness and quarantine, but my biggest fear was how my soon-to-be-ex-husband and I would handle this. |
| We share custody of our two boys, ages 6 and almost 4, and at that time, we argued about almost everything. We both wanted our kids to be healthy, but we rarely agreed on what that looked like. To him, the boys needed to eat all their vegetables. To me, meals shouldn’t be a battle. On sunny days, I slathered the boys in sunscreen. My ex wanted them to soak in the rays and get enough vitamin D. | We share custody of our two boys, ages 6 and almost 4, and at that time, we argued about almost everything. We both wanted our kids to be healthy, but we rarely agreed on what that looked like. To him, the boys needed to eat all their vegetables. To me, meals shouldn’t be a battle. On sunny days, I slathered the boys in sunscreen. My ex wanted them to soak in the rays and get enough vitamin D. |
| Our constant fighting — about way more than just parenting — led us to file for divorce 18 months ago. Now, living apart, I hope he’s putting sunscreen on the kids, and I’m sure he hopes I’m making them eat all their veggies. But frankly, there isn’t much either of us can do about it. | Our constant fighting — about way more than just parenting — led us to file for divorce 18 months ago. Now, living apart, I hope he’s putting sunscreen on the kids, and I’m sure he hopes I’m making them eat all their veggies. But frankly, there isn’t much either of us can do about it. |
| Then came the coronavirus. | Then came the coronavirus. |
| Throw a pandemic into the mix of a fraught divorce, and who knows what might happen. | Throw a pandemic into the mix of a fraught divorce, and who knows what might happen. |
| I had feared that when the virus came here my ex and I would be on different pages about how to handle it. What happens if I followed the rules, but he kept up his normal routine? I imagined having no option but to send my children to his house, where they could get infected. | I had feared that when the virus came here my ex and I would be on different pages about how to handle it. What happens if I followed the rules, but he kept up his normal routine? I imagined having no option but to send my children to his house, where they could get infected. |
| [What parents should know about the coronavirus.] | [What parents should know about the coronavirus.] |
| I couldn’t discuss any of this with him. So I did the only thing possible: I ordered more ramen. | I couldn’t discuss any of this with him. So I did the only thing possible: I ordered more ramen. |
| As I read about families under lockdown, I imagined myself home alone with my boys. What would happen if one of them got a fever, and I needed to take him to the pediatrician, but I didn’t have a partner who could stay home with the healthy kid? I recalled scenes of Wuhan’s overrun hospitals. Would I have to bring both of my boys into a doctor’s office filled with ill patients? | As I read about families under lockdown, I imagined myself home alone with my boys. What would happen if one of them got a fever, and I needed to take him to the pediatrician, but I didn’t have a partner who could stay home with the healthy kid? I recalled scenes of Wuhan’s overrun hospitals. Would I have to bring both of my boys into a doctor’s office filled with ill patients? |
| I shopped more, ordering disinfectant wipes and laundry detergent. | I shopped more, ordering disinfectant wipes and laundry detergent. |
| What if I got sick? I wondered: How do single parents take care of themselves and their children? | What if I got sick? I wondered: How do single parents take care of themselves and their children? |
| I bought cough syrup and children’s Tylenol. | I bought cough syrup and children’s Tylenol. |
| In late February I told my therapist I was displacing my anxiety about being a single parent and our looming divorce trial onto the virus. She nodded along, agreeing that my stress was connected to my situation. But somewhere during the session, I accidentally convinced her that my anxiety was warranted. As she left, she said she needed to go shopping. | In late February I told my therapist I was displacing my anxiety about being a single parent and our looming divorce trial onto the virus. She nodded along, agreeing that my stress was connected to my situation. But somewhere during the session, I accidentally convinced her that my anxiety was warranted. As she left, she said she needed to go shopping. |
| I drove my family nuts with all of my worries, but I decided not to talk to my ex about it. I feared that if I tried giving him rules or even made suggestions, it could backfire. | I drove my family nuts with all of my worries, but I decided not to talk to my ex about it. I feared that if I tried giving him rules or even made suggestions, it could backfire. |
| I waited. And waited. Finally, once it was clear the virus was in the New York area, and we started discussing the situation, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that we had come to the same conclusions independently. We both stopped traveling, and we agreed that if one of us started developing symptoms, we’d tell the other. | I waited. And waited. Finally, once it was clear the virus was in the New York area, and we started discussing the situation, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that we had come to the same conclusions independently. We both stopped traveling, and we agreed that if one of us started developing symptoms, we’d tell the other. |
| One morning I found a WhatsApp message from him asking if he should send the boys to school that day. He wanted to make such a difficult decision together. I almost burst into tears from relief. | One morning I found a WhatsApp message from him asking if he should send the boys to school that day. He wanted to make such a difficult decision together. I almost burst into tears from relief. |
| We’re now on the same page about rules for the kids in terms of social distancing. No more play dates. Yes, they can go in the backyard; no, they can’t go to playgrounds. After the boys and I made a schedule for their days home, I texted an image of it to my ex, asking if it looked good to him too. He agreed to it. The same schedule in both houses. Wow. | We’re now on the same page about rules for the kids in terms of social distancing. No more play dates. Yes, they can go in the backyard; no, they can’t go to playgrounds. After the boys and I made a schedule for their days home, I texted an image of it to my ex, asking if it looked good to him too. He agreed to it. The same schedule in both houses. Wow. |
| (As I wrote this, he messaged me a link to Scholastic’s digital hub for distance learning. I responded with information about the Cincinnati Zoo’s virtual safaris. It’s like we’re sane adults.) | (As I wrote this, he messaged me a link to Scholastic’s digital hub for distance learning. I responded with information about the Cincinnati Zoo’s virtual safaris. It’s like we’re sane adults.) |
| Under normal circumstances, divorce and co-parenting can be a struggle. Every holiday this year was miserable, even Presidents’ Day. But now, I’m finding a silver lining. It’s been only a week since schools have closed, and many of my friends are desperate for a little time away from their kids. Don’t hate me, but after a few days of my kids running wild in my home, I get to ship them off to their father’s. | Under normal circumstances, divorce and co-parenting can be a struggle. Every holiday this year was miserable, even Presidents’ Day. But now, I’m finding a silver lining. It’s been only a week since schools have closed, and many of my friends are desperate for a little time away from their kids. Don’t hate me, but after a few days of my kids running wild in my home, I get to ship them off to their father’s. |
| Many other single parents haven’t been as lucky as me. I have friends living through what I had feared. One doesn’t want to send her son to his other mother’s house because she worries social-distancing precautions haven’t been in place, and she fears they all could have the virus. Others have primary custody of their kids and have little to no help. | Many other single parents haven’t been as lucky as me. I have friends living through what I had feared. One doesn’t want to send her son to his other mother’s house because she worries social-distancing precautions haven’t been in place, and she fears they all could have the virus. Others have primary custody of their kids and have little to no help. |
| So many divorced or separated parents now have to worry about their ex’s new partner who might be infected. This could be especially dangerous for those who have chronic medical conditions or live with elderly relatives. How can we protect ourselves and those in our home if we are sending our kids out into this world? | So many divorced or separated parents now have to worry about their ex’s new partner who might be infected. This could be especially dangerous for those who have chronic medical conditions or live with elderly relatives. How can we protect ourselves and those in our home if we are sending our kids out into this world? |
| Updated June 5, 2020 | Updated June 5, 2020 |
| So far, the evidence seems to show it does. A widely cited paper published in April suggests that people are most infectious about two days before the onset of coronavirus symptoms and estimated that 44 percent of new infections were a result of transmission from people who were not yet showing symptoms. Recently, a top expert at the World Health Organization stated that transmission of the coronavirus by people who did not have symptoms was “very rare,” but she later walked back that statement. | |
| A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study. | A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study. |
| The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April. | The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April. |
| Mass protests against police brutality that have brought thousands of people onto the streets in cities across America are raising the specter of new coronavirus outbreaks, prompting political leaders, physicians and public health experts to warn that the crowds could cause a surge in cases. While many political leaders affirmed the right of protesters to express themselves, they urged the demonstrators to wear face masks and maintain social distancing, both to protect themselves and to prevent further community spread of the virus. Some infectious disease experts were reassured by the fact that the protests were held outdoors, saying the open air settings could mitigate the risk of transmission. | Mass protests against police brutality that have brought thousands of people onto the streets in cities across America are raising the specter of new coronavirus outbreaks, prompting political leaders, physicians and public health experts to warn that the crowds could cause a surge in cases. While many political leaders affirmed the right of protesters to express themselves, they urged the demonstrators to wear face masks and maintain social distancing, both to protect themselves and to prevent further community spread of the virus. Some infectious disease experts were reassured by the fact that the protests were held outdoors, saying the open air settings could mitigate the risk of transmission. |
| Exercise researchers and physicians have some blunt advice for those of us aiming to return to regular exercise now: Start slowly and then rev up your workouts, also slowly. American adults tended to be about 12 percent less active after the stay-at-home mandates began in March than they were in January. But there are steps you can take to ease your way back into regular exercise safely. First, “start at no more than 50 percent of the exercise you were doing before Covid,” says Dr. Monica Rho, the chief of musculoskeletal medicine at the Shirley Ryan AbilityLab in Chicago. Thread in some preparatory squats, too, she advises. “When you haven’t been exercising, you lose muscle mass.” Expect some muscle twinges after these preliminary, post-lockdown sessions, especially a day or two later. But sudden or increasing pain during exercise is a clarion call to stop and return home. | Exercise researchers and physicians have some blunt advice for those of us aiming to return to regular exercise now: Start slowly and then rev up your workouts, also slowly. American adults tended to be about 12 percent less active after the stay-at-home mandates began in March than they were in January. But there are steps you can take to ease your way back into regular exercise safely. First, “start at no more than 50 percent of the exercise you were doing before Covid,” says Dr. Monica Rho, the chief of musculoskeletal medicine at the Shirley Ryan AbilityLab in Chicago. Thread in some preparatory squats, too, she advises. “When you haven’t been exercising, you lose muscle mass.” Expect some muscle twinges after these preliminary, post-lockdown sessions, especially a day or two later. But sudden or increasing pain during exercise is a clarion call to stop and return home. |
| States are reopening bit by bit. This means that more public spaces are available for use and more and more businesses are being allowed to open again. The federal government is largely leaving the decision up to states, and some state leaders are leaving the decision up to local authorities. Even if you aren’t being told to stay at home, it’s still a good idea to limit trips outside and your interaction with other people. | States are reopening bit by bit. This means that more public spaces are available for use and more and more businesses are being allowed to open again. The federal government is largely leaving the decision up to states, and some state leaders are leaving the decision up to local authorities. Even if you aren’t being told to stay at home, it’s still a good idea to limit trips outside and your interaction with other people. |
| Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks. | Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks. |
| Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days. | Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days. |
| If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.) | If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.) |
| Taking one’s temperature to look for signs of fever is not as easy as it sounds, as “normal” temperature numbers can vary, but generally, keep an eye out for a temperature of 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit or higher. If you don’t have a thermometer (they can be pricey these days), there are other ways to figure out if you have a fever, or are at risk of Covid-19 complications. | Taking one’s temperature to look for signs of fever is not as easy as it sounds, as “normal” temperature numbers can vary, but generally, keep an eye out for a temperature of 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit or higher. If you don’t have a thermometer (they can be pricey these days), there are other ways to figure out if you have a fever, or are at risk of Covid-19 complications. |
| The C.D.C. has recommended that all Americans wear cloth masks if they go out in public. This is a shift in federal guidance reflecting new concerns that the coronavirus is being spread by infected people who have no symptoms. Until now, the C.D.C., like the W.H.O., has advised that ordinary people don’t need to wear masks unless they are sick and coughing. Part of the reason was to preserve medical-grade masks for health care workers who desperately need them at a time when they are in continuously short supply. Masks don’t replace hand washing and social distancing. | The C.D.C. has recommended that all Americans wear cloth masks if they go out in public. This is a shift in federal guidance reflecting new concerns that the coronavirus is being spread by infected people who have no symptoms. Until now, the C.D.C., like the W.H.O., has advised that ordinary people don’t need to wear masks unless they are sick and coughing. Part of the reason was to preserve medical-grade masks for health care workers who desperately need them at a time when they are in continuously short supply. Masks don’t replace hand washing and social distancing. |
| If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others. | If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others. |
| If you’re sick and you think you’ve been exposed to the new coronavirus, the C.D.C. recommends that you call your healthcare provider and explain your symptoms and fears. They will decide if you need to be tested. Keep in mind that there’s a chance — because of a lack of testing kits or because you’re asymptomatic, for instance — you won’t be able to get tested. | If you’re sick and you think you’ve been exposed to the new coronavirus, the C.D.C. recommends that you call your healthcare provider and explain your symptoms and fears. They will decide if you need to be tested. Keep in mind that there’s a chance — because of a lack of testing kits or because you’re asymptomatic, for instance — you won’t be able to get tested. |
| I’m part of an online support group for divorced and separated women in my area, and it’s now filled with comments by mothers trying to sort out how to handle such a stressful time. Some say they don’t know if they should prioritize keeping their kids isolated or ensuring they see the other parent. Many describe fighting with their exes about how each should be behaving, and say they feel helpless. | I’m part of an online support group for divorced and separated women in my area, and it’s now filled with comments by mothers trying to sort out how to handle such a stressful time. Some say they don’t know if they should prioritize keeping their kids isolated or ensuring they see the other parent. Many describe fighting with their exes about how each should be behaving, and say they feel helpless. |
| And then there are parents whose exes are no longer in the picture. A writer and mother in central Appalachia, Alison Stine, wrote in The Washington Post about the extreme difficulty of raising a child alone now. | And then there are parents whose exes are no longer in the picture. A writer and mother in central Appalachia, Alison Stine, wrote in The Washington Post about the extreme difficulty of raising a child alone now. |
| Plus, this is only the beginning for those in the United States. We don’t know how different “shelter in place” requirements will affect families that share two homes. Or what this looks like when more and more people get sick. | Plus, this is only the beginning for those in the United States. We don’t know how different “shelter in place” requirements will affect families that share two homes. Or what this looks like when more and more people get sick. |
| One of my friends, Melanie, said she’ll keep seeing her boyfriend, and she knows her ex will see his fiancée, and the kids will be exposed to their families. It’s worth it for their sanity. “We all just need to make the best choices we can right now,” Melanie said. | One of my friends, Melanie, said she’ll keep seeing her boyfriend, and she knows her ex will see his fiancée, and the kids will be exposed to their families. It’s worth it for their sanity. “We all just need to make the best choices we can right now,” Melanie said. |
| For me and my ex, even if we get through the pandemic, I know we will have disagreements sooner or later. We’re not suddenly going to be that divorced couple who spends holidays together. But I do hope we can use this moment as an opportunity to turn the page a bit on our approach to co-parenting. I need to start trusting that my boys’ father will make the best decision he can. We share two amazing children, who need both of us. A pandemic doesn’t change that; it makes it clearer. | For me and my ex, even if we get through the pandemic, I know we will have disagreements sooner or later. We’re not suddenly going to be that divorced couple who spends holidays together. But I do hope we can use this moment as an opportunity to turn the page a bit on our approach to co-parenting. I need to start trusting that my boys’ father will make the best decision he can. We share two amazing children, who need both of us. A pandemic doesn’t change that; it makes it clearer. |