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Everything I Know About Parenting in a Crisis, I Learned From My Mom Everything I Know About Parenting in a Crisis, I Learned From My Mom
(about 4 hours later)
As coronavirus continues to spread across the globe, we’re working to answer the questions on many parents’ minds. This is a fast-moving situation, so some information may be outdated. For the latest updates, read The New York Times’s live coronavirus coverage here.As coronavirus continues to spread across the globe, we’re working to answer the questions on many parents’ minds. This is a fast-moving situation, so some information may be outdated. For the latest updates, read The New York Times’s live coronavirus coverage here.
My most prominent memory from the Persian Gulf war was realizing my brother is a stone-cold genius. I was 10, he 5. We lived in Riyadh at the time, and our nightly routine included waking up to blaring air-raid sirens. The family would stumble down to the “bunker,” a large storage closet under the stairs. There we strapped on our gas masks, tried to get some rest on the floor and then crawled back up to bed at dawn.My most prominent memory from the Persian Gulf war was realizing my brother is a stone-cold genius. I was 10, he 5. We lived in Riyadh at the time, and our nightly routine included waking up to blaring air-raid sirens. The family would stumble down to the “bunker,” a large storage closet under the stairs. There we strapped on our gas masks, tried to get some rest on the floor and then crawled back up to bed at dawn.
After a week of this, my brother had had enough. He asked me for help dragging our twin mattress to the bunker, then promptly fell asleep in his gas mask, and that’s how we did the rest of the war: well-rested, on our backs. Comfort, and common sense, can come from the most unexpected of places.After a week of this, my brother had had enough. He asked me for help dragging our twin mattress to the bunker, then promptly fell asleep in his gas mask, and that’s how we did the rest of the war: well-rested, on our backs. Comfort, and common sense, can come from the most unexpected of places.
The war was scary. I remember running into my parents’ room the first night the sirens went off, sobbing and shrieking, “But I was going to be a doctor!” (I am not a doctor.) My mother burst into laughter, and said, “You’re not going to die.” “Are you sure?” I asked, wiping away my tears. “No, you’re not,” she said. “Everything is going to be fine.” She was, unfortunately, an old hand at air raids from a childhood in Kashmir, and her confidence in my safety was contagious.The war was scary. I remember running into my parents’ room the first night the sirens went off, sobbing and shrieking, “But I was going to be a doctor!” (I am not a doctor.) My mother burst into laughter, and said, “You’re not going to die.” “Are you sure?” I asked, wiping away my tears. “No, you’re not,” she said. “Everything is going to be fine.” She was, unfortunately, an old hand at air raids from a childhood in Kashmir, and her confidence in my safety was contagious.
Whatever fear I felt after those first nights has been lost to time and replaced by silly gas mask anecdotes, family hangs and memories of my first crush — regular kid things. Because children are, thankfully, exceedingly self-focused, but also because a parent’s reassurance that everything is going to be fine can sometimes cure all.Whatever fear I felt after those first nights has been lost to time and replaced by silly gas mask anecdotes, family hangs and memories of my first crush — regular kid things. Because children are, thankfully, exceedingly self-focused, but also because a parent’s reassurance that everything is going to be fine can sometimes cure all.
Today, thanks to “The Fiona Virus,” as our son calls it, I’m navigating a different crisis, this time in Mum’s role. Because my husband and I both work on a freelance basis, we split shifts home schooling a 6-year-old, with a toddler on one hip. It’s very “Little House on the Prairie.”Today, thanks to “The Fiona Virus,” as our son calls it, I’m navigating a different crisis, this time in Mum’s role. Because my husband and I both work on a freelance basis, we split shifts home schooling a 6-year-old, with a toddler on one hip. It’s very “Little House on the Prairie.”
“Well, the war was much easier,” Mum told me via FaceTime, from Michigan. “You went to school, you could play outside, the air raids were only at night.” But she underestimates how her homemade science experiments, her gift for pulling out the perfect crazy family story that made me cry laughing and her knack for engaging us in the most boring of household tasks made us feel safe. Her ability to be truly present, and to infuse every difficult day with small moments of joy, kept our spirits intact, through endless moves, armed conflict and terrorist activity.“Well, the war was much easier,” Mum told me via FaceTime, from Michigan. “You went to school, you could play outside, the air raids were only at night.” But she underestimates how her homemade science experiments, her gift for pulling out the perfect crazy family story that made me cry laughing and her knack for engaging us in the most boring of household tasks made us feel safe. Her ability to be truly present, and to infuse every difficult day with small moments of joy, kept our spirits intact, through endless moves, armed conflict and terrorist activity.
When my family first heard that school was canceled last week, and then came the governor’s stay-at-home order, I emotionally disintegrated for two full days. The weight of work, existential dread and raising two children, all at the same time, nearly sunk me, until I realized I could just channel my mother.When my family first heard that school was canceled last week, and then came the governor’s stay-at-home order, I emotionally disintegrated for two full days. The weight of work, existential dread and raising two children, all at the same time, nearly sunk me, until I realized I could just channel my mother.
I pulled myself back together, and taped a schedule to the wall, as I’ve done every day since. We aim to activate our brains and our bodies throughout the day, with quiet time penciled in while the toddler naps. Quiet time was screaming torture for the first three days, and I had nearly given up hope, but now we’re up to a full hour of peace, a small miracle.I pulled myself back together, and taped a schedule to the wall, as I’ve done every day since. We aim to activate our brains and our bodies throughout the day, with quiet time penciled in while the toddler naps. Quiet time was screaming torture for the first three days, and I had nearly given up hope, but now we’re up to a full hour of peace, a small miracle.
I write out daily menus for our meals, because for some reason it brings the entire family great joy to anticipate them, even if it’s just “nuggets.” We schedule in a “Live Show” before bed that involves an ad hoc plot, and one or both of the kids disrobing before dismantling the couch.I write out daily menus for our meals, because for some reason it brings the entire family great joy to anticipate them, even if it’s just “nuggets.” We schedule in a “Live Show” before bed that involves an ad hoc plot, and one or both of the kids disrobing before dismantling the couch.
The schedule is just a suggestion. The actual shape of the day depends on our needs, and, frankly, my mood. Sometimes “brain activation” is sprouting beans. Sometimes we bake and call it math. Sometimes I lie flat on my back, in a game called “sleeping.” Today, the boy read to the baby, and we crossed off “English.”The schedule is just a suggestion. The actual shape of the day depends on our needs, and, frankly, my mood. Sometimes “brain activation” is sprouting beans. Sometimes we bake and call it math. Sometimes I lie flat on my back, in a game called “sleeping.” Today, the boy read to the baby, and we crossed off “English.”
I’ve begun to realize now how much time my mom spent teaching us how to do grownup stuff like run errands, grocery shop and fix things when they broke. So each day, I rope our son into some sort of family problem solving: moving our janky play structure out of the garage and into the front yard. Mailing letters, with stamps, at a mailbox. Figuring out which vegetables are going to turn, so that we can make soup out of them. Every time he’s given a little more responsibility during this Richard Scarry existence, I see him stand a little taller and become a little more independent.I’ve begun to realize now how much time my mom spent teaching us how to do grownup stuff like run errands, grocery shop and fix things when they broke. So each day, I rope our son into some sort of family problem solving: moving our janky play structure out of the garage and into the front yard. Mailing letters, with stamps, at a mailbox. Figuring out which vegetables are going to turn, so that we can make soup out of them. Every time he’s given a little more responsibility during this Richard Scarry existence, I see him stand a little taller and become a little more independent.
Then again, this period of family isolation is sending me back in time.Then again, this period of family isolation is sending me back in time.
“It’s like having a newborn again,” my friend Amy said about the pace at home these days — the chaos of having our world split open, while having to get little people through the day. The re-wearing of ratty clothing, the under-showering, the dazed walks within a four-block radius. The months after the arrival of our firstborn are the only other time I’ve been simultaneously terrified and bored. But then comes the magic moment when you realize you don’t actually have anywhere else to be, most days: You just have to be present, and to love them.“It’s like having a newborn again,” my friend Amy said about the pace at home these days — the chaos of having our world split open, while having to get little people through the day. The re-wearing of ratty clothing, the under-showering, the dazed walks within a four-block radius. The months after the arrival of our firstborn are the only other time I’ve been simultaneously terrified and bored. But then comes the magic moment when you realize you don’t actually have anywhere else to be, most days: You just have to be present, and to love them.
Updated June 16, 2020Updated June 16, 2020
The steroid, dexamethasone, is the first treatment shown to reduce mortality in severely ill patients, according to scientists in Britain. The drug appears to reduce inflammation caused by the immune system, protecting the tissues. In the study, dexamethasone reduced deaths of patients on ventilators by one-third, and deaths of patients on oxygen by one-fifth.
The coronavirus emergency relief package gives many American workers paid leave if they need to take time off because of the virus. It gives qualified workers two weeks of paid sick leave if they are ill, quarantined or seeking diagnosis or preventive care for coronavirus, or if they are caring for sick family members. It gives 12 weeks of paid leave to people caring for children whose schools are closed or whose child care provider is unavailable because of the coronavirus. It is the first time the United States has had widespread federally mandated paid leave, and includes people who don’t typically get such benefits, like part-time and gig economy workers. But the measure excludes at least half of private-sector workers, including those at the country’s largest employers, and gives small employers significant leeway to deny leave.The coronavirus emergency relief package gives many American workers paid leave if they need to take time off because of the virus. It gives qualified workers two weeks of paid sick leave if they are ill, quarantined or seeking diagnosis or preventive care for coronavirus, or if they are caring for sick family members. It gives 12 weeks of paid leave to people caring for children whose schools are closed or whose child care provider is unavailable because of the coronavirus. It is the first time the United States has had widespread federally mandated paid leave, and includes people who don’t typically get such benefits, like part-time and gig economy workers. But the measure excludes at least half of private-sector workers, including those at the country’s largest employers, and gives small employers significant leeway to deny leave.
So far, the evidence seems to show it does. A widely cited paper published in April suggests that people are most infectious about two days before the onset of coronavirus symptoms and estimated that 44 percent of new infections were a result of transmission from people who were not yet showing symptoms. Recently, a top expert at the World Health Organization stated that transmission of the coronavirus by people who did not have symptoms was “very rare,” but she later walked back that statement.So far, the evidence seems to show it does. A widely cited paper published in April suggests that people are most infectious about two days before the onset of coronavirus symptoms and estimated that 44 percent of new infections were a result of transmission from people who were not yet showing symptoms. Recently, a top expert at the World Health Organization stated that transmission of the coronavirus by people who did not have symptoms was “very rare,” but she later walked back that statement.
Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks.Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks.
A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study.A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study.
The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April.The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April.
Mass protests against police brutality that have brought thousands of people onto the streets in cities across America are raising the specter of new coronavirus outbreaks, prompting political leaders, physicians and public health experts to warn that the crowds could cause a surge in cases. While many political leaders affirmed the right of protesters to express themselves, they urged the demonstrators to wear face masks and maintain social distancing, both to protect themselves and to prevent further community spread of the virus. Some infectious disease experts were reassured by the fact that the protests were held outdoors, saying the open air settings could mitigate the risk of transmission.Mass protests against police brutality that have brought thousands of people onto the streets in cities across America are raising the specter of new coronavirus outbreaks, prompting political leaders, physicians and public health experts to warn that the crowds could cause a surge in cases. While many political leaders affirmed the right of protesters to express themselves, they urged the demonstrators to wear face masks and maintain social distancing, both to protect themselves and to prevent further community spread of the virus. Some infectious disease experts were reassured by the fact that the protests were held outdoors, saying the open air settings could mitigate the risk of transmission.
States are reopening bit by bit. This means that more public spaces are available for use and more and more businesses are being allowed to open again. The federal government is largely leaving the decision up to states, and some state leaders are leaving the decision up to local authorities. Even if you aren’t being told to stay at home, it’s still a good idea to limit trips outside and your interaction with other people.States are reopening bit by bit. This means that more public spaces are available for use and more and more businesses are being allowed to open again. The federal government is largely leaving the decision up to states, and some state leaders are leaving the decision up to local authorities. Even if you aren’t being told to stay at home, it’s still a good idea to limit trips outside and your interaction with other people.
Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days.Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days.
If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.)If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.)
Taking one’s temperature to look for signs of fever is not as easy as it sounds, as “normal” temperature numbers can vary, but generally, keep an eye out for a temperature of 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit or higher. If you don’t have a thermometer (they can be pricey these days), there are other ways to figure out if you have a fever, or are at risk of Covid-19 complications.Taking one’s temperature to look for signs of fever is not as easy as it sounds, as “normal” temperature numbers can vary, but generally, keep an eye out for a temperature of 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit or higher. If you don’t have a thermometer (they can be pricey these days), there are other ways to figure out if you have a fever, or are at risk of Covid-19 complications.
The C.D.C. has recommended that all Americans wear cloth masks if they go out in public. This is a shift in federal guidance reflecting new concerns that the coronavirus is being spread by infected people who have no symptoms. Until now, the C.D.C., like the W.H.O., has advised that ordinary people don’t need to wear masks unless they are sick and coughing. Part of the reason was to preserve medical-grade masks for health care workers who desperately need them at a time when they are in continuously short supply. Masks don’t replace hand washing and social distancing.The C.D.C. has recommended that all Americans wear cloth masks if they go out in public. This is a shift in federal guidance reflecting new concerns that the coronavirus is being spread by infected people who have no symptoms. Until now, the C.D.C., like the W.H.O., has advised that ordinary people don’t need to wear masks unless they are sick and coughing. Part of the reason was to preserve medical-grade masks for health care workers who desperately need them at a time when they are in continuously short supply. Masks don’t replace hand washing and social distancing.
If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others.If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others.
If you’re sick and you think you’ve been exposed to the new coronavirus, the C.D.C. recommends that you call your healthcare provider and explain your symptoms and fears. They will decide if you need to be tested. Keep in mind that there’s a chance — because of a lack of testing kits or because you’re asymptomatic, for instance — you won’t be able to get tested.If you’re sick and you think you’ve been exposed to the new coronavirus, the C.D.C. recommends that you call your healthcare provider and explain your symptoms and fears. They will decide if you need to be tested. Keep in mind that there’s a chance — because of a lack of testing kits or because you’re asymptomatic, for instance — you won’t be able to get tested.
I’m lucky. My children are small, they’re not missing major exams or life events. I’m not stuck in the house with two surly teenagers who cringe every time I speak. I’m fortunate enough to be able to put work on hold for now, even if it means flattening the curve of my own career.I’m lucky. My children are small, they’re not missing major exams or life events. I’m not stuck in the house with two surly teenagers who cringe every time I speak. I’m fortunate enough to be able to put work on hold for now, even if it means flattening the curve of my own career.
I know, better than most, that these things are temporary. And I know that next week, when our son has his (surprise!) Zoom birthday celebration, he’ll remember that all of his friends and family ate chocolate chip pancakes in tandem. He won’t remember that he didn’t have a party this year. Because like all hard times, I suspect, his enduring memories of this time will be of our love, and his joy.I know, better than most, that these things are temporary. And I know that next week, when our son has his (surprise!) Zoom birthday celebration, he’ll remember that all of his friends and family ate chocolate chip pancakes in tandem. He won’t remember that he didn’t have a party this year. Because like all hard times, I suspect, his enduring memories of this time will be of our love, and his joy.
Priyanka Mattoo is a writer and filmmaker in Los Angeles.Priyanka Mattoo is a writer and filmmaker in Los Angeles.