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| For Divorced Parents, Navigating Coronavirus Is a Balancing Act | For Divorced Parents, Navigating Coronavirus Is a Balancing Act |
| (2 days later) | |
| In the midst of the coronavirus outbreak, Leah Chubb is also in the middle of a divorce. | In the midst of the coronavirus outbreak, Leah Chubb is also in the middle of a divorce. |
| Last week, she handed divorce papers to her ex, who has been living separately from her since Thanksgiving. Their kids — their child, Golda, 4, and Teddy, 8, from her ex’s previous marriage — have been dividing their weekdays between her and her ex, and alternating weekends at each home. And this is on top of a custody deal with Teddy’s mother (an E.R. doctor who just gave birth). | Last week, she handed divorce papers to her ex, who has been living separately from her since Thanksgiving. Their kids — their child, Golda, 4, and Teddy, 8, from her ex’s previous marriage — have been dividing their weekdays between her and her ex, and alternating weekends at each home. And this is on top of a custody deal with Teddy’s mother (an E.R. doctor who just gave birth). |
| The juggling act has been messy but not toxic, complicated and delicate but not chaotic or brittle. And now, because of the pandemic, it has gotten much harder. | The juggling act has been messy but not toxic, complicated and delicate but not chaotic or brittle. And now, because of the pandemic, it has gotten much harder. |
| “It’s a pain,” said Chubb, who works as a project manager for a construction company in Portland, Ore. “But all this transactional child-swapping happened at school, which is closed now.” She sighed: “It’s just awkwardly, incredibly daunting now.” | “It’s a pain,” said Chubb, who works as a project manager for a construction company in Portland, Ore. “But all this transactional child-swapping happened at school, which is closed now.” She sighed: “It’s just awkwardly, incredibly daunting now.” |
| Mixed-family mix-ups have been commonplace since the days of “The Brady Bunch,” a half-century ago, but today, children of America’s roughly 790,000 divorces, and children whose parents never married, are emerging as an unlikely flash point in the chaos of the novel coronavirus pandemic. | Mixed-family mix-ups have been commonplace since the days of “The Brady Bunch,” a half-century ago, but today, children of America’s roughly 790,000 divorces, and children whose parents never married, are emerging as an unlikely flash point in the chaos of the novel coronavirus pandemic. |
| Not only are schools closed, but so are many places where co-parents have found common ground for custody exchanges, like movie theaters, libraries, restaurants, houses of worship and community centers (although even under the strictest shelter-in-place protocols parents could do child pickups at grocery stores or pharmacies). Even play dates are a topic of debate. With estimates that millions of Americans could become infected, frustrations and arguments are quickly approaching a new level of urgency. It goes far beyond fights over, say, a child drinking soda at Mom’s house when it’s banned at Dad’s. | Not only are schools closed, but so are many places where co-parents have found common ground for custody exchanges, like movie theaters, libraries, restaurants, houses of worship and community centers (although even under the strictest shelter-in-place protocols parents could do child pickups at grocery stores or pharmacies). Even play dates are a topic of debate. With estimates that millions of Americans could become infected, frustrations and arguments are quickly approaching a new level of urgency. It goes far beyond fights over, say, a child drinking soda at Mom’s house when it’s banned at Dad’s. |
| Jason Owens, a family law lawyer in Boston, drew some attention for a blog entry he posted about the intersection of coronavirus and custody battles. What if a parent gets too sick to care for the kids? Or a child gets infected? What if a parent gets fired and can’t support their child? What if a parent’s new partner tests positive? As of Wednesday, the post had gotten 45,000 clicks since it was posted on March 14; his law firm’s website usually gets 1,000 clicks a day in total. | Jason Owens, a family law lawyer in Boston, drew some attention for a blog entry he posted about the intersection of coronavirus and custody battles. What if a parent gets too sick to care for the kids? Or a child gets infected? What if a parent gets fired and can’t support their child? What if a parent’s new partner tests positive? As of Wednesday, the post had gotten 45,000 clicks since it was posted on March 14; his law firm’s website usually gets 1,000 clicks a day in total. |
| “Everyone is flying blind,” Owens said. “One parent will say, ‘Have you been socially distancing?’ And the other one says: ‘It’s none of your business. I have a right to my child.’ Anxiety causes defensiveness. But often they’re reacting to their own history. Messy divorces mean messy custodies.” | |
| On Tuesday, John D. Casey, the chief justice of Massachusetts’ probate and family court, issued an unprecedented advisory open letter that said, in cases of self-quarantine, “both parents should cooperate.” Easier said than done. | On Tuesday, John D. Casey, the chief justice of Massachusetts’ probate and family court, issued an unprecedented advisory open letter that said, in cases of self-quarantine, “both parents should cooperate.” Easier said than done. |
| So what gets parents in trouble with the courts and what doesn’t? “Nobody really knows,” Owens said. “Courts are going to have a hard time helping now, and maybe even after things get back to normal. We’re seeing lots of judges taking a hands-off approach. You’re going to hear that these were not willful violations. | So what gets parents in trouble with the courts and what doesn’t? “Nobody really knows,” Owens said. “Courts are going to have a hard time helping now, and maybe even after things get back to normal. We’re seeing lots of judges taking a hands-off approach. You’re going to hear that these were not willful violations. |
| “Vague terms like ‘the best interest of the child’ are sort of a no-win situation,” he continued. “Either it’s vague and defers to a judge’s preconceptions of family and home and what’s best, or it’s specific and defers to lawmakers’ preconceptions. The reality of home and family life is far more complicated. Even legally, it’s county by county, not just state by state.” | “Vague terms like ‘the best interest of the child’ are sort of a no-win situation,” he continued. “Either it’s vague and defers to a judge’s preconceptions of family and home and what’s best, or it’s specific and defers to lawmakers’ preconceptions. The reality of home and family life is far more complicated. Even legally, it’s county by county, not just state by state.” |
| Although Owens did offer one bit of practical advice: “Parents should expect that their texts and emails during all of this could be submitted to a judge later.” | Although Owens did offer one bit of practical advice: “Parents should expect that their texts and emails during all of this could be submitted to a judge later.” |
| He also cited the legal concept of “force majeure” — essentially unforeseeable, act-of-God-level events that overwhelm extenuating circumstances. Usually, such scenarios are rare. In the developing pandemic, however, they might become fairly common. | He also cited the legal concept of “force majeure” — essentially unforeseeable, act-of-God-level events that overwhelm extenuating circumstances. Usually, such scenarios are rare. In the developing pandemic, however, they might become fairly common. |
| “If courts aren’t functioning, lots of people will use that as an excuse to defy court orders,” Owens said. “The mechanisms of courts and government are becoming hollow. And this is just the beginning. We’re all adrift in a really jagged legal landscape.” | “If courts aren’t functioning, lots of people will use that as an excuse to defy court orders,” Owens said. “The mechanisms of courts and government are becoming hollow. And this is just the beginning. We’re all adrift in a really jagged legal landscape.” |
| Claudia Ribet, a Los Angeles-based trial and appellate lawyer in family law with the California Appellate Law Group, agreed. She noted that after the 1994 Northridge earthquake, which injured thousands and caused widespread damage throughout Los Angeles, courts closed for only one day. Since the week of March 16, she said, they were closed Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, and open Friday for emergencies only. (Although even in closure, courts are scrambling to offer virtual options like phone calls and video conferencing.) | |
| And some people, Ribet said, might try to take advantage of the chaos. “There are lots of ruses that are going to be operative,” she said. “I have a client where his ex-wife claims she might be positive for the virus and wants to keep their child — which, look, doesn’t even make sense.” Parents may weaponize the specter of contagion for petty or short-term goals, Ribet said, but, she added, “most reasonable parents accommodate, because what goes around comes around. Of course, not everyone is reasonable. That’s why I have a job.” | And some people, Ribet said, might try to take advantage of the chaos. “There are lots of ruses that are going to be operative,” she said. “I have a client where his ex-wife claims she might be positive for the virus and wants to keep their child — which, look, doesn’t even make sense.” Parents may weaponize the specter of contagion for petty or short-term goals, Ribet said, but, she added, “most reasonable parents accommodate, because what goes around comes around. Of course, not everyone is reasonable. That’s why I have a job.” |
| Charles Schroeder, a software consultant in North Carolina, said he raced back from a long-term work assignment in London to be closer to his sons, 8 and 10. Their mother, his ex-wife, had been messaging him telling him that he shouldn’t return and that he should be quarantining. She accused him of not caring about their sons’ health, he said. But she acquiesced and he got to see the boys. | Charles Schroeder, a software consultant in North Carolina, said he raced back from a long-term work assignment in London to be closer to his sons, 8 and 10. Their mother, his ex-wife, had been messaging him telling him that he shouldn’t return and that he should be quarantining. She accused him of not caring about their sons’ health, he said. But she acquiesced and he got to see the boys. |
| Schroeder said that he’s “been under the coronavirus gun for months already,” finding a new house, making child support payments and taking the job overseas. “We had a bad divorce,” he said, adding that he expected some difficulties in co-parenting. “It’s sad but it’s true. Although with this crisis, the fact that it’s so not normal makes her seem more reasonable.” | Schroeder said that he’s “been under the coronavirus gun for months already,” finding a new house, making child support payments and taking the job overseas. “We had a bad divorce,” he said, adding that he expected some difficulties in co-parenting. “It’s sad but it’s true. Although with this crisis, the fact that it’s so not normal makes her seem more reasonable.” |
| With the school year effectively ended in many major cities and sweeping layoffs coming so swiftly, even amicably divorced parents may strain to survive. And as cabin fever starts to set in, shortages of toilet paper and other basic supplies will soon be followed by shortages of temper and patience. | With the school year effectively ended in many major cities and sweeping layoffs coming so swiftly, even amicably divorced parents may strain to survive. And as cabin fever starts to set in, shortages of toilet paper and other basic supplies will soon be followed by shortages of temper and patience. |
| Tracy Moore, a writer in Los Angeles and mother to a 10-year-old daughter she co-parents with her ex-husband, said: “I had an amicable divorce, but who are we kidding? They don’t exist. It just means we’re not at each other’s throats. You respect their time, respect the separation. The other parent doesn’t have to recreate your household in their household. That’s what divorce is.” | Tracy Moore, a writer in Los Angeles and mother to a 10-year-old daughter she co-parents with her ex-husband, said: “I had an amicable divorce, but who are we kidding? They don’t exist. It just means we’re not at each other’s throats. You respect their time, respect the separation. The other parent doesn’t have to recreate your household in their household. That’s what divorce is.” |
| Moore said her ex recently took their daughter to a piano recital and dinner at a restaurant, which is not something she would have done during the outbreak. “But I didn’t make it a thing,” she said. “They’re not out there licking handrails. This is not going away anytime soon. But it can’t take over.” | Moore said her ex recently took their daughter to a piano recital and dinner at a restaurant, which is not something she would have done during the outbreak. “But I didn’t make it a thing,” she said. “They’re not out there licking handrails. This is not going away anytime soon. But it can’t take over.” |
| In all of these considerations, there is an all-hands-on-deck Plan B, for those who can manage it: Erin Thompson, an art crime professor at John Jay College in New York, has bunkered in Vermont with three months’ worth of provisions, her ex, their 5-year-old son and 3-year-old daughter, her ex’s girlfriend and her ex’s mother, who owns the property. Thompson also invited her girlfriend to join. | In all of these considerations, there is an all-hands-on-deck Plan B, for those who can manage it: Erin Thompson, an art crime professor at John Jay College in New York, has bunkered in Vermont with three months’ worth of provisions, her ex, their 5-year-old son and 3-year-old daughter, her ex’s girlfriend and her ex’s mother, who owns the property. Thompson also invited her girlfriend to join. |
| “It’s a tenuous balance,” she said, adding that it works only because there are two cabins on the property. Thompson and her ex-mother-in-law sleep in one; her ex, his girlfriend and the kids are in the other. | “It’s a tenuous balance,” she said, adding that it works only because there are two cabins on the property. Thompson and her ex-mother-in-law sleep in one; her ex, his girlfriend and the kids are in the other. |
| “We’re playing it by ear,” she said. “One thing at a time.” | “We’re playing it by ear,” she said. “One thing at a time.” |
| Richard Morgan is a writer in New York. | Richard Morgan is a writer in New York. |
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