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| The ER Diaries: a coronavirus case that nearly broke me | The ER Diaries: a coronavirus case that nearly broke me |
| (about 7 hours later) | |
| In the fourth installment of The ER Diaries, a patient’s anguish is enough to crack even a medical worker’s professional resolve | In the fourth installment of The ER Diaries, a patient’s anguish is enough to crack even a medical worker’s professional resolve |
| Can you imagine bringing your loved one into the hospital for shortness of breath, cough and fever, and being told you can’t come in with them due to a strict no-visitor policy? Saying goodbye at the entrance of the hospital, returning to your car with no idea if you will ever see them again? You can’t spend time telling them all the things you want them to know before leaving because at this time every second counts for their survival. | Can you imagine bringing your loved one into the hospital for shortness of breath, cough and fever, and being told you can’t come in with them due to a strict no-visitor policy? Saying goodbye at the entrance of the hospital, returning to your car with no idea if you will ever see them again? You can’t spend time telling them all the things you want them to know before leaving because at this time every second counts for their survival. |
| These thoughts seeped into my mind as I was forced to tell a wife she couldn’t join her husband in the hospital. Her frantic pleas to help her husband, who was clearly in the grips of the virus, made her voice crack. Seeing these two part ways nearly broke me. | These thoughts seeped into my mind as I was forced to tell a wife she couldn’t join her husband in the hospital. Her frantic pleas to help her husband, who was clearly in the grips of the virus, made her voice crack. Seeing these two part ways nearly broke me. |
| Three hours later, when intubating that man in a room without his family at his side did break me. I’ve always tried to keep empathy at the forefront of my professional life. But why did I allow myself this moment of weakness? Why did I imagine myself in this situation, or my wife or kids or parents? “Now is not the time for this,” I kept telling myself. I was going down the rabbit hole and was slipping down fast. I started forming the words in my head for a Dear John letter while fighting back the tears I had for this man’s family. | Three hours later, when intubating that man in a room without his family at his side did break me. I’ve always tried to keep empathy at the forefront of my professional life. But why did I allow myself this moment of weakness? Why did I imagine myself in this situation, or my wife or kids or parents? “Now is not the time for this,” I kept telling myself. I was going down the rabbit hole and was slipping down fast. I started forming the words in my head for a Dear John letter while fighting back the tears I had for this man’s family. |
| I. Can. Not. Do. This. | I. Can. Not. Do. This. |
| I step outside and feel the cold sting of the rain on my face, snapping me out of my momentary panic. I. Can. Do. This. | I step outside and feel the cold sting of the rain on my face, snapping me out of my momentary panic. I. Can. Do. This. |
| Covid is taking us from each other. Our greatest strength is community, but ironically it’s the virus’s greatest strength as well. Even the slogan “We’re in this together” now bothers me. “Together” is defined by being in contact with people, proximity or in one gathering – the opposite of what we’re encouraged to do. My attempt at levity in the face of tragedy during my last shift has quickly morphed into frustration and anger during this one. It seems my mood is swinging faster than those of my hormonal teenagers at home. | |
| We’re still weeks out from the virus’s peak in California, policies are changing constantly, PPE is dwindling and each shift is increasingly infuriating. I could do with a win, with seeing that couple sitting on the same side of a booth at a restaurant sharing a dessert. Until that day, I’ll hold that thought in my mind and see these faces that will forever be imprinted in my memory … and hope it’s enough to see me through. |