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| My City Friends Want to Wait Out the Virus in My Suburban Home | My City Friends Want to Wait Out the Virus in My Suburban Home |
| (2 months later) | |
| A couple of weeks ago, before Covid-19 exploded in New York, a close friend asked if she and her husband could leave Manhattan and stay with us at our home in Bergen County, N.J. It was a tough question to have asked of me, but I decided it was the right thing to do. I told my friend they could come. For other reasons, they didn’t. Now, she’s asked again. They’re really scared! I’m not sure what to do. My husband has asthma, they would have to share a bathroom with my cranky 19-year-old son, and I am helping my elderly mother who lives nearby (contact-free). Any advice? | A couple of weeks ago, before Covid-19 exploded in New York, a close friend asked if she and her husband could leave Manhattan and stay with us at our home in Bergen County, N.J. It was a tough question to have asked of me, but I decided it was the right thing to do. I told my friend they could come. For other reasons, they didn’t. Now, she’s asked again. They’re really scared! I’m not sure what to do. My husband has asthma, they would have to share a bathroom with my cranky 19-year-old son, and I am helping my elderly mother who lives nearby (contact-free). Any advice? |
| D. | D. |
| I love your compassion for your friend and her fears! (If you look for it, every day brings so much kindness amid the suffering.) Still, it would be unwise to invite your friends into your home now. | I love your compassion for your friend and her fears! (If you look for it, every day brings so much kindness amid the suffering.) Still, it would be unwise to invite your friends into your home now. |
| The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has issued an advisory urging residents of New York, New Jersey and Connecticut to stop nonessential domestic travel for two weeks. Even absent that, I worry for your husband with a respiratory illness and for the increased risk to your mother. | The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has issued an advisory urging residents of New York, New Jersey and Connecticut to stop nonessential domestic travel for two weeks. Even absent that, I worry for your husband with a respiratory illness and for the increased risk to your mother. |
| I also know how wrenching it feels to refuse a friend in need. And New York is scary now. But we know how to keep safe. Tell her: “I’m sorry I can’t invite you to stay with us now. With my husband’s asthma and my mother’s age, we have to be vigilant about social distancing and following the advice of the C.D.C.” | I also know how wrenching it feels to refuse a friend in need. And New York is scary now. But we know how to keep safe. Tell her: “I’m sorry I can’t invite you to stay with us now. With my husband’s asthma and my mother’s age, we have to be vigilant about social distancing and following the advice of the C.D.C.” |
| Let’s be realistic, too. Your friend may be hurt by your refusal. If she’s cold or lashes out, try to remember that her response is likely driven by fear. So, be generous. Keep checking in with her. The voice call has been a major comfort to me lately. Use it liberally to keep your close friend close. | Let’s be realistic, too. Your friend may be hurt by your refusal. If she’s cold or lashes out, try to remember that her response is likely driven by fear. So, be generous. Keep checking in with her. The voice call has been a major comfort to me lately. Use it liberally to keep your close friend close. |
| Don’t get mad at me for asking this! But since we began isolating at home and all the salons closed, my hair has become a disaster! My roots are terrifying — and only getting worse. Would it be wrong to call my hair stylist and ask about her social distancing practices, and if they sound OK, beg her to color my hair? | Don’t get mad at me for asking this! But since we began isolating at home and all the salons closed, my hair has become a disaster! My roots are terrifying — and only getting worse. Would it be wrong to call my hair stylist and ask about her social distancing practices, and if they sound OK, beg her to color my hair? |
| SUSE | SUSE |
| How could I get mad at you when I’ve been eyeing a pair of office scissors all week and assessing my husband’s manual dexterity, dreading my inevitable fate? But it would be extremely wrong to ask your stylist to color your hair now. Even an infinitesimal risk of exposure to either of you is unacceptable. | How could I get mad at you when I’ve been eyeing a pair of office scissors all week and assessing my husband’s manual dexterity, dreading my inevitable fate? But it would be extremely wrong to ask your stylist to color your hair now. Even an infinitesimal risk of exposure to either of you is unacceptable. |
| Because that danger is magnified many times over for our already overtaxed health care workers, as well as for grocery and pharmacy staffs, emergency medical workers, and others with whom you’re sheltering. Wait for the authorities to give the all-clear. Half the nation needs a cut or color now. Or, if turbans aren’t your thing, touch up your roots yourself. | Because that danger is magnified many times over for our already overtaxed health care workers, as well as for grocery and pharmacy staffs, emergency medical workers, and others with whom you’re sheltering. Wait for the authorities to give the all-clear. Half the nation needs a cut or color now. Or, if turbans aren’t your thing, touch up your roots yourself. |
| Months ago, I was added to a group text of 14 moms with kids the same age as mine. I’m close with a couple of them, but the others are friendly acquaintances or strangers. It’s a very active thread, with everything from articles to pictures to questions like: “Any ideas about socks?” I’ve turned off the alerts, but it’s really overwhelming to look at my phone and have 45 text notifications. I’m anxious about leaving the chat because it’s announced on the thread and everyone will know. Any ideas for a tactful exit so we can all be friendly when we go back to seeing people in person? | Months ago, I was added to a group text of 14 moms with kids the same age as mine. I’m close with a couple of them, but the others are friendly acquaintances or strangers. It’s a very active thread, with everything from articles to pictures to questions like: “Any ideas about socks?” I’ve turned off the alerts, but it’s really overwhelming to look at my phone and have 45 text notifications. I’m anxious about leaving the chat because it’s announced on the thread and everyone will know. Any ideas for a tactful exit so we can all be friendly when we go back to seeing people in person? |
| MOM | MOM |
| I’m all ears if anyone has a life hack for leaving stressful group texts without the remaining members being notified about it. But I don’t believe it exists yet. And you’re probably overestimating the risk of upsetting people now. Sure, we’re all edgy, but the texting moms have bigger fish to fry. | I’m all ears if anyone has a life hack for leaving stressful group texts without the remaining members being notified about it. But I don’t believe it exists yet. And you’re probably overestimating the risk of upsetting people now. Sure, we’re all edgy, but the texting moms have bigger fish to fry. |
| Updated June 2, 2020 | |
| Mass protests against police brutality that have brought thousands of people onto the streets in cities across America are raising the specter of new coronavirus outbreaks, prompting political leaders, physicians and public health experts to warn that the crowds could cause a surge in cases. While many political leaders affirmed the right of protesters to express themselves, they urged the demonstrators to wear face masks and maintain social distancing, both to protect themselves and to prevent further community spread of the virus. Some infectious disease experts were reassured by the fact that the protests were held outdoors, saying the open air settings could mitigate the risk of transmission. | |
| Exercise researchers and physicians have some blunt advice for those of us aiming to return to regular exercise now: Start slowly and then rev up your workouts, also slowly. American adults tended to be about 12 percent less active after the stay-at-home mandates began in March than they were in January. But there are steps you can take to ease your way back into regular exercise safely. First, “start at no more than 50 percent of the exercise you were doing before Covid,” says Dr. Monica Rho, the chief of musculoskeletal medicine at the Shirley Ryan AbilityLab in Chicago. Thread in some preparatory squats, too, she advises. “When you haven’t been exercising, you lose muscle mass.” Expect some muscle twinges after these preliminary, post-lockdown sessions, especially a day or two later. But sudden or increasing pain during exercise is a clarion call to stop and return home. | |
| States are reopening bit by bit. This means that more public spaces are available for use and more and more businesses are being allowed to open again. The federal government is largely leaving the decision up to states, and some state leaders are leaving the decision up to local authorities. Even if you aren’t being told to stay at home, it’s still a good idea to limit trips outside and your interaction with other people. | |
| Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks. | |
| Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days. | |
| If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.) | |
| More than 40 million people — the equivalent of 1 in 4 U.S. workers — have filed for unemployment benefits since the pandemic took hold. One in five who were working in February reported losing a job or being furloughed in March or the beginning of April, data from a Federal Reserve survey released on May 14 showed, and that pain was highly concentrated among low earners. Fully 39 percent of former workers living in a household earning $40,000 or less lost work, compared with 13 percent in those making more than $100,000, a Fed official said. | |
| Taking one’s temperature to look for signs of fever is not as easy as it sounds, as “normal” temperature numbers can vary, but generally, keep an eye out for a temperature of 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit or higher. If you don’t have a thermometer (they can be pricey these days), there are other ways to figure out if you have a fever, or are at risk of Covid-19 complications. | |
| The C.D.C. has recommended that all Americans wear cloth masks if they go out in public. This is a shift in federal guidance reflecting new concerns that the coronavirus is being spread by infected people who have no symptoms. Until now, the C.D.C., like the W.H.O., has advised that ordinary people don’t need to wear masks unless they are sick and coughing. Part of the reason was to preserve medical-grade masks for health care workers who desperately need them at a time when they are in continuously short supply. Masks don’t replace hand washing and social distancing. | |
| If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others. | |
| If you’re sick and you think you’ve been exposed to the new coronavirus, the C.D.C. recommends that you call your healthcare provider and explain your symptoms and fears. They will decide if you need to be tested. Keep in mind that there’s a chance — because of a lack of testing kits or because you’re asymptomatic, for instance — you won’t be able to get tested. | |
| Respect your feelings and leave the chat. If anyone asks, say: “The volume of texts was overwhelming me.” I believe most mothers (and fathers) would sympathize with your stress. When we go back to seeing people, be pleasant to the mothers in person. I bet they’ll be pleasant right back. | Respect your feelings and leave the chat. If anyone asks, say: “The volume of texts was overwhelming me.” I believe most mothers (and fathers) would sympathize with your stress. When we go back to seeing people, be pleasant to the mothers in person. I bet they’ll be pleasant right back. |
| Like millions, I am working from home and spending lots of time videoconferencing with co-workers and clients. My boss conferences in from his home office, where, behind his smiling face, hangs a painting of a cyclone tearing through a city. He may be so used to it that he’s oblivious to the bad message it sends. He’s not a friend, but we have a cordial relationship. Should I point out that the painting may upset people? | Like millions, I am working from home and spending lots of time videoconferencing with co-workers and clients. My boss conferences in from his home office, where, behind his smiling face, hangs a painting of a cyclone tearing through a city. He may be so used to it that he’s oblivious to the bad message it sends. He’s not a friend, but we have a cordial relationship. Should I point out that the painting may upset people? |
| ANONYMOUS | ANONYMOUS |
| In dark times, it pays to be extra careful about the feelings of others. So, I appreciate what’s driving your question: Someone may be unsettled. But I can’t tell if you are. If you are actually bothered, speak up: “That painting may be a little dark for a pandemic.” Otherwise, keep quiet. The same principle that calls for special sensitivity now also means we don’t have to share every opinion. | In dark times, it pays to be extra careful about the feelings of others. So, I appreciate what’s driving your question: Someone may be unsettled. But I can’t tell if you are. If you are actually bothered, speak up: “That painting may be a little dark for a pandemic.” Otherwise, keep quiet. The same principle that calls for special sensitivity now also means we don’t have to share every opinion. |
| For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter. | For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter. |