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Relationships Move Fast on a Slow Cargo Ship Relationships Move Fast on a Slow Cargo Ship
(3 days later)
Liz and I were on a cargo ship in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean with the sun setting and a light wind. The scene resembled one of those retirement brochures in which a couple stares wistfully across the open sea and into their future — except she and I barely knew each other. It was our 10th date.Liz and I were on a cargo ship in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean with the sun setting and a light wind. The scene resembled one of those retirement brochures in which a couple stares wistfully across the open sea and into their future — except she and I barely knew each other. It was our 10th date.
Two weeks prior, we had been drinking wine in a small Chinatown bar — a last-ditch effort to drum up romance. I had connected with Liz through work a few months before, and we had gone out on several dates that felt promising.Two weeks prior, we had been drinking wine in a small Chinatown bar — a last-ditch effort to drum up romance. I had connected with Liz through work a few months before, and we had gone out on several dates that felt promising.
Then she called to tell me she didn’t feel ready. Her actual words were: “My astrologer says it’s not the right time.”Then she called to tell me she didn’t feel ready. Her actual words were: “My astrologer says it’s not the right time.”
I’m not a big believer in the stars, so I hung up, turned to my friend and vented about that astrologer (who definitely hadn’t been out on any of our dates). How could the position of the stars on the day Liz was born derail my dating life today?I’m not a big believer in the stars, so I hung up, turned to my friend and vented about that astrologer (who definitely hadn’t been out on any of our dates). How could the position of the stars on the day Liz was born derail my dating life today?
The next morning, I settled into the familiar letdown of losing something that had barely begun, resigning myself to more of the noncommittal dating that so often characterizes relationships in New York City.The next morning, I settled into the familiar letdown of losing something that had barely begun, resigning myself to more of the noncommittal dating that so often characterizes relationships in New York City.
A few weeks later, Liz messaged me as I was returning home from a friend’s wedding overseas: She had changed her mind.A few weeks later, Liz messaged me as I was returning home from a friend’s wedding overseas: She had changed her mind.
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At the bar in Chinatown, I showed her a photo I had taken during my flight of a cargo ship in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Seeing the ship made me think about how we no longer know the size of the world because we don’t feel the distance when we travel. What would it be like to experience how far North America is from Europe? To travel by sea, as my grandparents did when they came a century ago from India?At the bar in Chinatown, I showed her a photo I had taken during my flight of a cargo ship in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Seeing the ship made me think about how we no longer know the size of the world because we don’t feel the distance when we travel. What would it be like to experience how far North America is from Europe? To travel by sea, as my grandparents did when they came a century ago from India?
“Let’s do it,” she said. (She’d had two glasses of wine.) “Let’s take a cargo ship across the Atlantic together. It will be our next date.”“Let’s do it,” she said. (She’d had two glasses of wine.) “Let’s take a cargo ship across the Atlantic together. It will be our next date.”
We both laughed. The next morning, I woke up and texted to tell her I was still thinking about the cargo ship.We both laughed. The next morning, I woke up and texted to tell her I was still thinking about the cargo ship.
“When are you free?” she replied.“When are you free?” she replied.
“Anytime in the next three months.” I was mostly joking, but it was also kind of true: My work as a consultant for start-ups allowed me to set my own schedule. (Her work gave her similar flexibility.)“Anytime in the next three months.” I was mostly joking, but it was also kind of true: My work as a consultant for start-ups allowed me to set my own schedule. (Her work gave her similar flexibility.)
A few hours later, she told me she had booked it. We would leave in two weeks.A few hours later, she told me she had booked it. We would leave in two weeks.
I gulped. Things weren’t supposed to move that fast. We had never spent more than five consecutive hours together. I hadn’t told my friends or brother that I was even seeing her again. (Last they knew, an astrologer had sunk my chances.)I gulped. Things weren’t supposed to move that fast. We had never spent more than five consecutive hours together. I hadn’t told my friends or brother that I was even seeing her again. (Last they knew, an astrologer had sunk my chances.)
We had never spent the night together, and now our next date would involve a 10-day trip with a only few other travelers and crew on a cargo ship?We had never spent the night together, and now our next date would involve a 10-day trip with a only few other travelers and crew on a cargo ship?
Yet, I knew I had to say yes. Why not take a big leap?Yet, I knew I had to say yes. Why not take a big leap?
As we planned the trip, we stuck to logistics; it seemed too risky to get to know each other more before we set off. We bought books about celestial navigation, shipwrecks and personality tests, and made lists of ways we could decorate our cabin.As we planned the trip, we stuck to logistics; it seemed too risky to get to know each other more before we set off. We bought books about celestial navigation, shipwrecks and personality tests, and made lists of ways we could decorate our cabin.
When I finally told my family, my parents tried (unsuccessfully) to meet her, and my brother sent me YouTube videos of dates gone bad on cruise ships. It all started to feel overwhelming, and like a very bad idea.When I finally told my family, my parents tried (unsuccessfully) to meet her, and my brother sent me YouTube videos of dates gone bad on cruise ships. It all started to feel overwhelming, and like a very bad idea.
After we boarded the ship in Halifax, it was clear that our room hadn’t been built with romance in mind. Two bolted-down single beds lined a wall; our small bathroom reeked of sewage and diesel. The ship was 15 stories tall and as long as three football fields, carrying 3,800 containers and 1,300 cars from North America to Europe. Its hallways were disorientating, narrow, windowless and lined with identical-looking doors. There were only 28 people on board, including the captain and 18 crew members.After we boarded the ship in Halifax, it was clear that our room hadn’t been built with romance in mind. Two bolted-down single beds lined a wall; our small bathroom reeked of sewage and diesel. The ship was 15 stories tall and as long as three football fields, carrying 3,800 containers and 1,300 cars from North America to Europe. Its hallways were disorientating, narrow, windowless and lined with identical-looking doors. There were only 28 people on board, including the captain and 18 crew members.
Liz and I started to unpack. She had brought new sheets, cashmere blankets, candles and lamps. I had brought a small Persian rug, Scrabble boards, cards, books and a list of questions to ask on a date. Just in case.Liz and I started to unpack. She had brought new sheets, cashmere blankets, candles and lamps. I had brought a small Persian rug, Scrabble boards, cards, books and a list of questions to ask on a date. Just in case.
My side of the room felt like a dormitory, while hers felt like home, so her side is where we stayed. As we laid on the single bed, adjusting to each other, shipping containers were being stacked with hard thuds outside of our window.My side of the room felt like a dormitory, while hers felt like home, so her side is where we stayed. As we laid on the single bed, adjusting to each other, shipping containers were being stacked with hard thuds outside of our window.
We fell into a rhythm as our journey began: reading, sleeping and sharing stories with the other travelers. We befriended a Dutch couple who had been traveling the world for six years in their modified Toyota Land Cruiser. They called themselves “overlanders.”We fell into a rhythm as our journey began: reading, sleeping and sharing stories with the other travelers. We befriended a Dutch couple who had been traveling the world for six years in their modified Toyota Land Cruiser. They called themselves “overlanders.”
The big excitement involved emergency drills, where we would rush through hundreds of meters of container-made ravines and water-sealed doors, up a five-story metal staircase on the ship’s outer edge to the escape vessel at the stern. We spent our afternoons camped out next to the espresso machine. One night, the Filipino crew hosted karaoke, after a traditional meal of sinigang and breaded fish.The big excitement involved emergency drills, where we would rush through hundreds of meters of container-made ravines and water-sealed doors, up a five-story metal staircase on the ship’s outer edge to the escape vessel at the stern. We spent our afternoons camped out next to the espresso machine. One night, the Filipino crew hosted karaoke, after a traditional meal of sinigang and breaded fish.
All the idleness meant that Liz and I had no choice but to get to know each other. Mundane interactions turned into deep dialogues about our pasts. Hearing the captain tell a story about sending money home to his daughter led Liz and me into a long conversation about our relationship to money and how it has evolved over time. Every day on the ship felt like a month of dating in New York. Over those 10 days, we spent more than 160 hours awake together, shared two dozen meals and made out more than the average couple does in five months.All the idleness meant that Liz and I had no choice but to get to know each other. Mundane interactions turned into deep dialogues about our pasts. Hearing the captain tell a story about sending money home to his daughter led Liz and me into a long conversation about our relationship to money and how it has evolved over time. Every day on the ship felt like a month of dating in New York. Over those 10 days, we spent more than 160 hours awake together, shared two dozen meals and made out more than the average couple does in five months.
By the third day, I told Liz I loved her. By the fifth, we were talking about the future. By the eighth, we were arguing.By the third day, I told Liz I loved her. By the fifth, we were talking about the future. By the eighth, we were arguing.
She said I didn’t consider her needs. I was pressuring her to be social when she needed time alone. I wanted her to see things my way and wasn’t listening. In turn, I thought she wasn’t accepting the reality of where we were. We just stared at each other in our small room. There was nowhere to go.She said I didn’t consider her needs. I was pressuring her to be social when she needed time alone. I wanted her to see things my way and wasn’t listening. In turn, I thought she wasn’t accepting the reality of where we were. We just stared at each other in our small room. There was nowhere to go.
Updated June 5, 2020 Updated June 12, 2020
Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks.
So far, the evidence seems to show it does. A widely cited paper published in April suggests that people are most infectious about two days before the onset of coronavirus symptoms and estimated that 44 percent of new infections were a result of transmission from people who were not yet showing symptoms. Recently, a top expert at the World Health Organization stated that transmission of the coronavirus by people who did not have symptoms was “very rare,” but she later walked back that statement.So far, the evidence seems to show it does. A widely cited paper published in April suggests that people are most infectious about two days before the onset of coronavirus symptoms and estimated that 44 percent of new infections were a result of transmission from people who were not yet showing symptoms. Recently, a top expert at the World Health Organization stated that transmission of the coronavirus by people who did not have symptoms was “very rare,” but she later walked back that statement.
A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study.A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study.
The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April.The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April.
Mass protests against police brutality that have brought thousands of people onto the streets in cities across America are raising the specter of new coronavirus outbreaks, prompting political leaders, physicians and public health experts to warn that the crowds could cause a surge in cases. While many political leaders affirmed the right of protesters to express themselves, they urged the demonstrators to wear face masks and maintain social distancing, both to protect themselves and to prevent further community spread of the virus. Some infectious disease experts were reassured by the fact that the protests were held outdoors, saying the open air settings could mitigate the risk of transmission.Mass protests against police brutality that have brought thousands of people onto the streets in cities across America are raising the specter of new coronavirus outbreaks, prompting political leaders, physicians and public health experts to warn that the crowds could cause a surge in cases. While many political leaders affirmed the right of protesters to express themselves, they urged the demonstrators to wear face masks and maintain social distancing, both to protect themselves and to prevent further community spread of the virus. Some infectious disease experts were reassured by the fact that the protests were held outdoors, saying the open air settings could mitigate the risk of transmission.
Exercise researchers and physicians have some blunt advice for those of us aiming to return to regular exercise now: Start slowly and then rev up your workouts, also slowly. American adults tended to be about 12 percent less active after the stay-at-home mandates began in March than they were in January. But there are steps you can take to ease your way back into regular exercise safely. First, “start at no more than 50 percent of the exercise you were doing before Covid,” says Dr. Monica Rho, the chief of musculoskeletal medicine at the Shirley Ryan AbilityLab in Chicago. Thread in some preparatory squats, too, she advises. “When you haven’t been exercising, you lose muscle mass.” Expect some muscle twinges after these preliminary, post-lockdown sessions, especially a day or two later. But sudden or increasing pain during exercise is a clarion call to stop and return home.Exercise researchers and physicians have some blunt advice for those of us aiming to return to regular exercise now: Start slowly and then rev up your workouts, also slowly. American adults tended to be about 12 percent less active after the stay-at-home mandates began in March than they were in January. But there are steps you can take to ease your way back into regular exercise safely. First, “start at no more than 50 percent of the exercise you were doing before Covid,” says Dr. Monica Rho, the chief of musculoskeletal medicine at the Shirley Ryan AbilityLab in Chicago. Thread in some preparatory squats, too, she advises. “When you haven’t been exercising, you lose muscle mass.” Expect some muscle twinges after these preliminary, post-lockdown sessions, especially a day or two later. But sudden or increasing pain during exercise is a clarion call to stop and return home.
States are reopening bit by bit. This means that more public spaces are available for use and more and more businesses are being allowed to open again. The federal government is largely leaving the decision up to states, and some state leaders are leaving the decision up to local authorities. Even if you aren’t being told to stay at home, it’s still a good idea to limit trips outside and your interaction with other people.States are reopening bit by bit. This means that more public spaces are available for use and more and more businesses are being allowed to open again. The federal government is largely leaving the decision up to states, and some state leaders are leaving the decision up to local authorities. Even if you aren’t being told to stay at home, it’s still a good idea to limit trips outside and your interaction with other people.
Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks.
Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days.Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days.
If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.)If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.)
Taking one’s temperature to look for signs of fever is not as easy as it sounds, as “normal” temperature numbers can vary, but generally, keep an eye out for a temperature of 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit or higher. If you don’t have a thermometer (they can be pricey these days), there are other ways to figure out if you have a fever, or are at risk of Covid-19 complications.Taking one’s temperature to look for signs of fever is not as easy as it sounds, as “normal” temperature numbers can vary, but generally, keep an eye out for a temperature of 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit or higher. If you don’t have a thermometer (they can be pricey these days), there are other ways to figure out if you have a fever, or are at risk of Covid-19 complications.
The C.D.C. has recommended that all Americans wear cloth masks if they go out in public. This is a shift in federal guidance reflecting new concerns that the coronavirus is being spread by infected people who have no symptoms. Until now, the C.D.C., like the W.H.O., has advised that ordinary people don’t need to wear masks unless they are sick and coughing. Part of the reason was to preserve medical-grade masks for health care workers who desperately need them at a time when they are in continuously short supply. Masks don’t replace hand washing and social distancing.The C.D.C. has recommended that all Americans wear cloth masks if they go out in public. This is a shift in federal guidance reflecting new concerns that the coronavirus is being spread by infected people who have no symptoms. Until now, the C.D.C., like the W.H.O., has advised that ordinary people don’t need to wear masks unless they are sick and coughing. Part of the reason was to preserve medical-grade masks for health care workers who desperately need them at a time when they are in continuously short supply. Masks don’t replace hand washing and social distancing.
If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others.If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others.
If you’re sick and you think you’ve been exposed to the new coronavirus, the C.D.C. recommends that you call your healthcare provider and explain your symptoms and fears. They will decide if you need to be tested. Keep in mind that there’s a chance — because of a lack of testing kits or because you’re asymptomatic, for instance — you won’t be able to get tested.If you’re sick and you think you’ve been exposed to the new coronavirus, the C.D.C. recommends that you call your healthcare provider and explain your symptoms and fears. They will decide if you need to be tested. Keep in mind that there’s a chance — because of a lack of testing kits or because you’re asymptomatic, for instance — you won’t be able to get tested.
If we had been back in New York, I would have left and met my best friend at a neighborhood bar to complain about her. He would have supported me, and I would have felt entitled to move on, repeating the dating cycle I had been stuck in for more than a decade.If we had been back in New York, I would have left and met my best friend at a neighborhood bar to complain about her. He would have supported me, and I would have felt entitled to move on, repeating the dating cycle I had been stuck in for more than a decade.
On the ship, however, there was no escape. I walked to the outdoor deck underneath the bridge and sat on a metal box filled with life vests while she stayed in the room. For the whole afternoon I just sat there, replaying our conversations.On the ship, however, there was no escape. I walked to the outdoor deck underneath the bridge and sat on a metal box filled with life vests while she stayed in the room. For the whole afternoon I just sat there, replaying our conversations.
There were moments she had told me she needed space; I just hadn’t heard. Did we really need to be more social? Where did that come from? Why did I feel that way? There was no one to talk to, to tell me I was right or wrong. The conversations in my head felt so familiar, repeated from past relationships where I blamed the other person and moved on, patterns that suddenly felt so obvious. I had never allowed myself to move slowly enough to truly understand what was being said. I never recognized the gap between what I said, what I did and, most importantly, what I wanted.There were moments she had told me she needed space; I just hadn’t heard. Did we really need to be more social? Where did that come from? Why did I feel that way? There was no one to talk to, to tell me I was right or wrong. The conversations in my head felt so familiar, repeated from past relationships where I blamed the other person and moved on, patterns that suddenly felt so obvious. I had never allowed myself to move slowly enough to truly understand what was being said. I never recognized the gap between what I said, what I did and, most importantly, what I wanted.
Hours later, as the sun set, I walked back through the windowless corridor, entered our room and sat down next to her on the bed.Hours later, as the sun set, I walked back through the windowless corridor, entered our room and sat down next to her on the bed.
“I’m sorry,” I said.“I’m sorry,” I said.
“I am too,” she said.“I am too,” she said.
We fell asleep on her single bed.We fell asleep on her single bed.
Two days later, we arrived in Liverpool, England. In ship time, it was almost our one-year anniversary. We checked ourselves into a four-star hotel, ordered room service and watched a bad movie.Two days later, we arrived in Liverpool, England. In ship time, it was almost our one-year anniversary. We checked ourselves into a four-star hotel, ordered room service and watched a bad movie.
I looked at Liz. I loved her laugh, her red sweatshirt. Everything was perfect.I looked at Liz. I loved her laugh, her red sweatshirt. Everything was perfect.
On the plane back to New York the next day, we opened a bottle of champagne. A few weeks later, we went to Liz’s astrologer for our first relationship reading.On the plane back to New York the next day, we opened a bottle of champagne. A few weeks later, we went to Liz’s astrologer for our first relationship reading.
“You’re a match,” the astrologer said.“You’re a match,” the astrologer said.
My Aries, Liz’s Aquarius, the rising sign and the sun and the moon were all on our side.My Aries, Liz’s Aquarius, the rising sign and the sun and the moon were all on our side.
A few months after we returned, our New York apartment leases expired simultaneously, and we decided to move in together. Then we got engaged. And more recently, as the coronavirus brought our city and country to a terrifying standstill, Liz and I decamped for my family’s home in Victoria, British Columbia, where the two of us (and her brother!) are all, as I write this, quarantined in a small house across the street from where I grew up.A few months after we returned, our New York apartment leases expired simultaneously, and we decided to move in together. Then we got engaged. And more recently, as the coronavirus brought our city and country to a terrifying standstill, Liz and I decamped for my family’s home in Victoria, British Columbia, where the two of us (and her brother!) are all, as I write this, quarantined in a small house across the street from where I grew up.
It’s OK. We don’t mind isolating ourselves. For us, it made all the difference.It’s OK. We don’t mind isolating ourselves. For us, it made all the difference.
Dev Aujla, who lives in New York, is the author of the book, “50 Ways to Get a Job: An Unconventional Guide to Finding Work on Your Terms.”Dev Aujla, who lives in New York, is the author of the book, “50 Ways to Get a Job: An Unconventional Guide to Finding Work on Your Terms.”
Modern Love can be reached at modernlove@nytimes.com.Modern Love can be reached at modernlove@nytimes.com.
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