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The End of the Long-Distance Marriage The End of the Long-Distance Marriage
(1 day later)
For the past 13 years, a few days each week, I practiced social distancing by living 200 miles from my husband, Michael — not because I didn’t love him, but because I loved him so much. My fear: If I were to leave my old life behind to be with Michael, losing him would mean losing everything.For the past 13 years, a few days each week, I practiced social distancing by living 200 miles from my husband, Michael — not because I didn’t love him, but because I loved him so much. My fear: If I were to leave my old life behind to be with Michael, losing him would mean losing everything.
For our entire marriage, he and I have lived as if we each had one foot on home base, hesitant to run toward each other, scared to be tagged out. I had lost my base too many times to give this one up.For our entire marriage, he and I have lived as if we each had one foot on home base, hesitant to run toward each other, scared to be tagged out. I had lost my base too many times to give this one up.
Decades ago, when I was at college in Oregon, my parents divorced and suddenly there was no home back east to return to. In my 20s, I spent years constructing what seemed to be a secure nest with a boyfriend, until the day he abruptly walked out. At 36, I married a lanky Dutch art historian named Willem, and we settled into life in New York. We adopted a child from Lithuania, a boy, and I was overjoyed that I had lassoed a little family. But four years later Willem died from brain cancer, leaving me to raise our son alone.Decades ago, when I was at college in Oregon, my parents divorced and suddenly there was no home back east to return to. In my 20s, I spent years constructing what seemed to be a secure nest with a boyfriend, until the day he abruptly walked out. At 36, I married a lanky Dutch art historian named Willem, and we settled into life in New York. We adopted a child from Lithuania, a boy, and I was overjoyed that I had lassoed a little family. But four years later Willem died from brain cancer, leaving me to raise our son alone.
Nearly a decade passed before I met Michael, a recent widower who lived in Baltimore. From the day we married, when he was 57 and I was 54, with our three sons at our side, I have been frightened of becoming a widow again.Nearly a decade passed before I met Michael, a recent widower who lived in Baltimore. From the day we married, when he was 57 and I was 54, with our three sons at our side, I have been frightened of becoming a widow again.
In this marriage, each time I had a wonderful time with his group of life-embracing journalists and their long-married spouses in Baltimore, I would scurry back to my New York life of teaching and writing and long walks with my women friends. And to my Upper West Side apartment, the one aspect of my life that has been reliable for almost 40 years.In this marriage, each time I had a wonderful time with his group of life-embracing journalists and their long-married spouses in Baltimore, I would scurry back to my New York life of teaching and writing and long walks with my women friends. And to my Upper West Side apartment, the one aspect of my life that has been reliable for almost 40 years.
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When the pandemic hit, Michael drove those 200 miles into the epicenter to pick me up and bring me to Baltimore, where we have had the privilege of being together, sheltering in place, ever since.When the pandemic hit, Michael drove those 200 miles into the epicenter to pick me up and bring me to Baltimore, where we have had the privilege of being together, sheltering in place, ever since.
Whenever I have asked Michael, who is now almost 70, if he’s scared that I may die and make him a widower again, he shrugs. But he also clings to his home and city, which is full of his life’s touchstones. Here is where the bus pulled up in 1970 with the first class of women to attend his college, where he fell in love with his future wife as she walked down the steps. Not far away is the home they shared with the sprawling maple where he built a tree house for their boys.Whenever I have asked Michael, who is now almost 70, if he’s scared that I may die and make him a widower again, he shrugs. But he also clings to his home and city, which is full of his life’s touchstones. Here is where the bus pulled up in 1970 with the first class of women to attend his college, where he fell in love with his future wife as she walked down the steps. Not far away is the home they shared with the sprawling maple where he built a tree house for their boys.
Although some of our friends joke that living in separate cities is perhaps the key to a successful marriage, others say, “Aren’t you scared the marriage will fall apart? That one of you will have an affair?” The fact is, we have been having affairs. Not with other people, but with our respective homes and hometowns.Although some of our friends joke that living in separate cities is perhaps the key to a successful marriage, others say, “Aren’t you scared the marriage will fall apart? That one of you will have an affair?” The fact is, we have been having affairs. Not with other people, but with our respective homes and hometowns.
My building in New York is where the superintendent greeted Willem and me the day we brought our son home, speaking to him in Polish, one of the languages our baby had already heard during his first seven months of life.My building in New York is where the superintendent greeted Willem and me the day we brought our son home, speaking to him in Polish, one of the languages our baby had already heard during his first seven months of life.
My apartment is where my son made meticulous toy car traffic jams from his bedroom to ours, where his father lay with 18 staples in his head after the brain cancer operation. When Willem died, the superintendent had to help the funeral home fit his body into the elevator while my son held up his toy tractor and said, “You have to tip him up.”My apartment is where my son made meticulous toy car traffic jams from his bedroom to ours, where his father lay with 18 staples in his head after the brain cancer operation. When Willem died, the superintendent had to help the funeral home fit his body into the elevator while my son held up his toy tractor and said, “You have to tip him up.”
My apartment is a totem pole of my life, where I tied the shower curtain into a knot so my son and I could use it as a punching bag in the weeks after our loss. It is where I brought the man who would become my second husband home and my then 11-year-old son asked, “What bed are you going to sleep in?”My apartment is a totem pole of my life, where I tied the shower curtain into a knot so my son and I could use it as a punching bag in the weeks after our loss. It is where I brought the man who would become my second husband home and my then 11-year-old son asked, “What bed are you going to sleep in?”
New York City is the place where at 7 a.m. I used to take my young son to the horse stable near Central Park. Heading to our next stop, he would run ahead of me down to the Hudson, to the houseboats at the 79th Street Boat Basin. One was home to a little girl in my son’s kindergarten class; we let the children run wild on the docks, screaming with the sea gulls.New York City is the place where at 7 a.m. I used to take my young son to the horse stable near Central Park. Heading to our next stop, he would run ahead of me down to the Hudson, to the houseboats at the 79th Street Boat Basin. One was home to a little girl in my son’s kindergarten class; we let the children run wild on the docks, screaming with the sea gulls.
Since the pandemic rearranged the world, the three sons Michael and I share have remained where they live, scattered across the country, and my 94-year-old mother sits with an addled mind on the third floor of her memory care facility near our home in Baltimore, where for the past three years I have been visiting every weekend, rubbing her back, taking her for walks in the garden.Since the pandemic rearranged the world, the three sons Michael and I share have remained where they live, scattered across the country, and my 94-year-old mother sits with an addled mind on the third floor of her memory care facility near our home in Baltimore, where for the past three years I have been visiting every weekend, rubbing her back, taking her for walks in the garden.
Recently she was moved to hospice care, and I stand in the driveway, unable to get closer, as if I’m on a far-off shore. I hold up a hand-drawn sign with a tilted heart, thanking the aides who remain sunny as they wheel her out to the balcony. I shout up to my mother, telling her who I am. She waves and blows kisses, whether to the clouds or to me, I do not know.Recently she was moved to hospice care, and I stand in the driveway, unable to get closer, as if I’m on a far-off shore. I hold up a hand-drawn sign with a tilted heart, thanking the aides who remain sunny as they wheel her out to the balcony. I shout up to my mother, telling her who I am. She waves and blows kisses, whether to the clouds or to me, I do not know.
One day another woman walked out of the building in her mask, her head bent like a sparrow.One day another woman walked out of the building in her mask, her head bent like a sparrow.
“How are you?” I said, forcing myself not to walk toward her.“How are you?” I said, forcing myself not to walk toward her.
“My husband passed last week,” she said.“My husband passed last week,” she said.
I gasped, holding out my arms in an empty embrace.I gasped, holding out my arms in an empty embrace.
“He took care of me,” she said. “I took care of him. Thirty-eight years.”“He took care of me,” she said. “I took care of him. Thirty-eight years.”
In one of my writing workshops I have a student who came to the United States on a ship after spending World War II hiding for months in a coal bin in Budapest. Now confined to Zoom, I stare at her brave face in New York as she reads what she wrote about the two times she has been confined, this second time alone in her apartment on the phone with Apple support in Minnesota instead of in a coal bin listening to Winston Churchill from his bunker in London on the scratchy radio.In one of my writing workshops I have a student who came to the United States on a ship after spending World War II hiding for months in a coal bin in Budapest. Now confined to Zoom, I stare at her brave face in New York as she reads what she wrote about the two times she has been confined, this second time alone in her apartment on the phone with Apple support in Minnesota instead of in a coal bin listening to Winston Churchill from his bunker in London on the scratchy radio.
Not long ago the hospice rabbi called while I was taking a bath. Michael answered my cellphone, thinking it might be the call we knew was coming. He handed me the phone, as I tried not to splash and said a silent prayer this would not be the final call.Not long ago the hospice rabbi called while I was taking a bath. Michael answered my cellphone, thinking it might be the call we knew was coming. He handed me the phone, as I tried not to splash and said a silent prayer this would not be the final call.
Updated June 5, 2020Updated June 5, 2020
So far, the evidence seems to show it does. A widely cited paper published in April suggests that people are most infectious about two days before the onset of coronavirus symptoms and estimated that 44 percent of new infections were a result of transmission from people who were not yet showing symptoms. Recently, a top expert at the World Health Organization stated that transmission of the coronavirus by people who did not have symptoms was “very rare,” but she later walked back that statement.
A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study.A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study.
The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April.The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April.
Mass protests against police brutality that have brought thousands of people onto the streets in cities across America are raising the specter of new coronavirus outbreaks, prompting political leaders, physicians and public health experts to warn that the crowds could cause a surge in cases. While many political leaders affirmed the right of protesters to express themselves, they urged the demonstrators to wear face masks and maintain social distancing, both to protect themselves and to prevent further community spread of the virus. Some infectious disease experts were reassured by the fact that the protests were held outdoors, saying the open air settings could mitigate the risk of transmission.Mass protests against police brutality that have brought thousands of people onto the streets in cities across America are raising the specter of new coronavirus outbreaks, prompting political leaders, physicians and public health experts to warn that the crowds could cause a surge in cases. While many political leaders affirmed the right of protesters to express themselves, they urged the demonstrators to wear face masks and maintain social distancing, both to protect themselves and to prevent further community spread of the virus. Some infectious disease experts were reassured by the fact that the protests were held outdoors, saying the open air settings could mitigate the risk of transmission.
Exercise researchers and physicians have some blunt advice for those of us aiming to return to regular exercise now: Start slowly and then rev up your workouts, also slowly. American adults tended to be about 12 percent less active after the stay-at-home mandates began in March than they were in January. But there are steps you can take to ease your way back into regular exercise safely. First, “start at no more than 50 percent of the exercise you were doing before Covid,” says Dr. Monica Rho, the chief of musculoskeletal medicine at the Shirley Ryan AbilityLab in Chicago. Thread in some preparatory squats, too, she advises. “When you haven’t been exercising, you lose muscle mass.” Expect some muscle twinges after these preliminary, post-lockdown sessions, especially a day or two later. But sudden or increasing pain during exercise is a clarion call to stop and return home.Exercise researchers and physicians have some blunt advice for those of us aiming to return to regular exercise now: Start slowly and then rev up your workouts, also slowly. American adults tended to be about 12 percent less active after the stay-at-home mandates began in March than they were in January. But there are steps you can take to ease your way back into regular exercise safely. First, “start at no more than 50 percent of the exercise you were doing before Covid,” says Dr. Monica Rho, the chief of musculoskeletal medicine at the Shirley Ryan AbilityLab in Chicago. Thread in some preparatory squats, too, she advises. “When you haven’t been exercising, you lose muscle mass.” Expect some muscle twinges after these preliminary, post-lockdown sessions, especially a day or two later. But sudden or increasing pain during exercise is a clarion call to stop and return home.
States are reopening bit by bit. This means that more public spaces are available for use and more and more businesses are being allowed to open again. The federal government is largely leaving the decision up to states, and some state leaders are leaving the decision up to local authorities. Even if you aren’t being told to stay at home, it’s still a good idea to limit trips outside and your interaction with other people.States are reopening bit by bit. This means that more public spaces are available for use and more and more businesses are being allowed to open again. The federal government is largely leaving the decision up to states, and some state leaders are leaving the decision up to local authorities. Even if you aren’t being told to stay at home, it’s still a good idea to limit trips outside and your interaction with other people.
Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks.Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks.
Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days.Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days.
If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.)If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.)
Taking one’s temperature to look for signs of fever is not as easy as it sounds, as “normal” temperature numbers can vary, but generally, keep an eye out for a temperature of 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit or higher. If you don’t have a thermometer (they can be pricey these days), there are other ways to figure out if you have a fever, or are at risk of Covid-19 complications.Taking one’s temperature to look for signs of fever is not as easy as it sounds, as “normal” temperature numbers can vary, but generally, keep an eye out for a temperature of 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit or higher. If you don’t have a thermometer (they can be pricey these days), there are other ways to figure out if you have a fever, or are at risk of Covid-19 complications.
The C.D.C. has recommended that all Americans wear cloth masks if they go out in public. This is a shift in federal guidance reflecting new concerns that the coronavirus is being spread by infected people who have no symptoms. Until now, the C.D.C., like the W.H.O., has advised that ordinary people don’t need to wear masks unless they are sick and coughing. Part of the reason was to preserve medical-grade masks for health care workers who desperately need them at a time when they are in continuously short supply. Masks don’t replace hand washing and social distancing.The C.D.C. has recommended that all Americans wear cloth masks if they go out in public. This is a shift in federal guidance reflecting new concerns that the coronavirus is being spread by infected people who have no symptoms. Until now, the C.D.C., like the W.H.O., has advised that ordinary people don’t need to wear masks unless they are sick and coughing. Part of the reason was to preserve medical-grade masks for health care workers who desperately need them at a time when they are in continuously short supply. Masks don’t replace hand washing and social distancing.
If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others.If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others.
If you’re sick and you think you’ve been exposed to the new coronavirus, the C.D.C. recommends that you call your healthcare provider and explain your symptoms and fears. They will decide if you need to be tested. Keep in mind that there’s a chance — because of a lack of testing kits or because you’re asymptomatic, for instance — you won’t be able to get tested.If you’re sick and you think you’ve been exposed to the new coronavirus, the C.D.C. recommends that you call your healthcare provider and explain your symptoms and fears. They will decide if you need to be tested. Keep in mind that there’s a chance — because of a lack of testing kits or because you’re asymptomatic, for instance — you won’t be able to get tested.
He was just checking in to see how I was doing and to explain that new regulations meant he could not visit my mother as he had been doing regularly. As I sat naked in the tub, I said I was doing fine, and then I told him of my student who hid in the coal bin and how she inspires me. When I hung up, I wept.He was just checking in to see how I was doing and to explain that new regulations meant he could not visit my mother as he had been doing regularly. As I sat naked in the tub, I said I was doing fine, and then I told him of my student who hid in the coal bin and how she inspires me. When I hung up, I wept.
When Michael and I met, we were full of passion and abandon, driving and taking the train back and forth between our two cities urgently. One night when he’d driven up, it was taking him so long to find a parking space that I brought him dinner and a glass of wine to the car. We tumbled toward each other, even as each week we spun apart. The fact that his late wife’s wedding dress still hung in their closet and my late husband’s New York City Marathon jersey hung in my son’s closet was fine with both of us.When Michael and I met, we were full of passion and abandon, driving and taking the train back and forth between our two cities urgently. One night when he’d driven up, it was taking him so long to find a parking space that I brought him dinner and a glass of wine to the car. We tumbled toward each other, even as each week we spun apart. The fact that his late wife’s wedding dress still hung in their closet and my late husband’s New York City Marathon jersey hung in my son’s closet was fine with both of us.
Now we are almost two decades older than our first beloveds were when they died. I confess, before the pandemic there were times that I would wince upon seeing the photos of his first wedding with his bride looking so youthful and dewy. More than once I had one of my spells, as my tolerant Southern husband calls them, which is a euphemism for a screaming fit of jealousy.Now we are almost two decades older than our first beloveds were when they died. I confess, before the pandemic there were times that I would wince upon seeing the photos of his first wedding with his bride looking so youthful and dewy. More than once I had one of my spells, as my tolerant Southern husband calls them, which is a euphemism for a screaming fit of jealousy.
Today each of our three sons texted us, relieved we were sheltering together in place. For now, we dance in our Baltimore kitchen to “Fly Me to the Moon.” Springtime has burst with an almost indecent beauty outside, with the songs of mourning doves and wrens. On the news, I hear the banging pots and howls echoing from buildings at 7 p.m. in New York, and I wish I was there even as I am relieved that I am not.Today each of our three sons texted us, relieved we were sheltering together in place. For now, we dance in our Baltimore kitchen to “Fly Me to the Moon.” Springtime has burst with an almost indecent beauty outside, with the songs of mourning doves and wrens. On the news, I hear the banging pots and howls echoing from buildings at 7 p.m. in New York, and I wish I was there even as I am relieved that I am not.
This pandemic has a strange way of pushing some people closer while pulling others apart. My mother waves from the balcony. I offer a grieving woman a hug from 10 feet away. Our sons text us their love from afar. And Michael and I — finally sharing one home base, for however long — turn up the volume on “Fly Me to the Moon” and dance.This pandemic has a strange way of pushing some people closer while pulling others apart. My mother waves from the balcony. I offer a grieving woman a hug from 10 feet away. Our sons text us their love from afar. And Michael and I — finally sharing one home base, for however long — turn up the volume on “Fly Me to the Moon” and dance.
Patty Dann’s new novel, “The Wright Sister,” will be published in August.Patty Dann’s new novel, “The Wright Sister,” will be published in August.
Modern Love can be reached at modernlove@nytimes.com.Modern Love can be reached at modernlove@nytimes.com.
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