Honest Apologies for Why I Couldn’t Talk During Quarantine

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/23/opinion/coronavirus-quarantine.html

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Hey, I’m so sorry I didn’t text you back this afternoon. I was finishing a 1,500-piece puzzle of a basset hound wearing a cowboy hat for the second time.

I apologize for not answering your FaceTime earlier! I was curious how long it would take me to pluck each and every single one of my leg hairs and then decided to find out. Five hours 36 minutes!

Please forgive me for bailing on our group Zoom yesterday. The past week has gotten really busy with this stop-motion animation about a forbidden love affair between a Q-Tip and a cotton ball I’ve been working on. It feels like an important story to tell right now.

Ugh, I’m the worst for not picking up on Skype last night. After the unemployment website crashed for the 74th time, I smashed my laptop on the ground. It’s currently in four pieces so it’s been a little hard to use since then.

I’m such a jerk for not emailing you back sooner. Lately I’ve been doing a deep dive into the origins of English grammar, specifically the difference between past participle and present perfect. Did you know that the only word in the English language that ends in the letters “-mt” is dreamt? Isn’t that interesting?

I feel so bad for forgetting about our Google Hangout this morning, but I got sucked into this makeup tutorial based on the movie “Cats.” It took a lot longer than I anticipated and the final product read more as mischievous raccoon than feline.

Lo siento for not getting back to you sooner on WhatsApp. I saw a plastic bag flying around outside while I was eating lunch and then ended up staring out the window until it was nightfall. Time really flies when you’re disassociating.

Oh, my God, I can’t believe I never responded on Houseparty. I’ve been doing my own version of “Chopped” where I have to cook a meal based on the few groceries I still have left in the fridge. I tried to put my own spin on chicken tikka masala without any of the required ingredients, but unfortunately the judges eliminated me after the first round. The judges are my three cactuses.

I feel terrible for not requesting to join your Instagram Live when you asked me to. But the idea of talking to eight people about my personal relationship with astrology from my own bathtub filled me with a kind of existential loneliness I had never even known was possible.

Oops, I just realized I never responded to your Facebook message. I was asleep when you sent it and then I saw it when I woke up, but then I went back to sleep and then woke up a little later and then went back to bed again. I mean, they keep saying it’s important to keep a schedule, but why? What is time any way? Does it matter? I really don’t need to do anything or be anywhere anymore. I’m starting to lose a sense of purpose in life, and the only place I find peaceful solace is in unconscious slumber. Wake me up when this is all over, OK? LOL. No, but seriously.

Hi, sorry I didn’t pick up when you called. I just wasn’t in the mood.

Julia Shiplett is a writer, comedian and actor in Brooklyn.

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