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Oh, Good, the Kids Are Fighting Again Oh, Good, the Kids Are Fighting Again
(7 days later)
The wails. The screeching. One more conference call interrupted.The wails. The screeching. One more conference call interrupted.
After months of social distancing, children are as frustrated as their parents.After months of social distancing, children are as frustrated as their parents.
“They’re fighting over who’s sitting in what chair,” said Ana Balich, a mother of three who lives in Chicago. “They always fought about stuff like that, but it just seems like its been worse.”“They’re fighting over who’s sitting in what chair,” said Ana Balich, a mother of three who lives in Chicago. “They always fought about stuff like that, but it just seems like its been worse.”
In her household, like so many others, daily routines have been disrupted and her children are spending more time together — and fighting more often, too.In her household, like so many others, daily routines have been disrupted and her children are spending more time together — and fighting more often, too.
In Meridian, Idaho, Mette Angerhofer Holden has watched her children battle over who gets to eat the most play food and which TV show to watch.In Meridian, Idaho, Mette Angerhofer Holden has watched her children battle over who gets to eat the most play food and which TV show to watch.
“They just fight over the littlest things,” Angerhofer Holden said of her 4- and 5-year-old. “They’re going from zero to screaming, faster. There’s less of a buildup.”“They just fight over the littlest things,” Angerhofer Holden said of her 4- and 5-year-old. “They’re going from zero to screaming, faster. There’s less of a buildup.”
Those sibling quarantine quarrels may be testing parents’ patience, but what if they were also an opportunity — to teach conflict resolution? Wait, don’t roll your eyes just yet. Maybe quarantine could provide the perfect environment for bickering siblings to build better relationships, with a little guidance from parents.Those sibling quarantine quarrels may be testing parents’ patience, but what if they were also an opportunity — to teach conflict resolution? Wait, don’t roll your eyes just yet. Maybe quarantine could provide the perfect environment for bickering siblings to build better relationships, with a little guidance from parents.
“I think it’s really important to offer some hope that this is actually a good time to help kids have more positive stuff going on in their relationships,” said Laurie Kramer, Ph.D., a professor of applied psychology at Northeastern University in Boston and an expert on sibling relationships. “It is possible, and I don’t think that parents have to feel like this needs to be this major undertaking.”“I think it’s really important to offer some hope that this is actually a good time to help kids have more positive stuff going on in their relationships,” said Laurie Kramer, Ph.D., a professor of applied psychology at Northeastern University in Boston and an expert on sibling relationships. “It is possible, and I don’t think that parents have to feel like this needs to be this major undertaking.”
Dr. Kramer, whose latest study offers free guidance for parents of children ages 4 to 8 to help resolve sibling conflicts effectively, said kids under the age of 8 generally don’t have all of the skills needed to handle difficult, emotion-laden conversations.Dr. Kramer, whose latest study offers free guidance for parents of children ages 4 to 8 to help resolve sibling conflicts effectively, said kids under the age of 8 generally don’t have all of the skills needed to handle difficult, emotion-laden conversations.
“We’re teaching parents how to be the coaches,” she said. “I think it’s perfect for right now.”“We’re teaching parents how to be the coaches,” she said. “I think it’s perfect for right now.”
One of the best places to learn conflict resolution and problem-solving skills is through interactions with a sibling, experts say.One of the best places to learn conflict resolution and problem-solving skills is through interactions with a sibling, experts say.
“Siblings are often children’s first experiences in ‘peer-like’ interactions, so the skills they develop can help them when they go to school and interact with peers,” said Kimberly Updegraff, Ph.D., a professor of family and human development at Arizona State University who has studied sibling relationships for more than two decades.“Siblings are often children’s first experiences in ‘peer-like’ interactions, so the skills they develop can help them when they go to school and interact with peers,” said Kimberly Updegraff, Ph.D., a professor of family and human development at Arizona State University who has studied sibling relationships for more than two decades.
When siblings are fighting or trying to hurt one another, it can be tempting to intervene, dictate a solution and quickly shut down the argument — but that can prevent children from brainstorming ways to fix their problems on their own. It can also encourage them depend on a parent for a resolution.When siblings are fighting or trying to hurt one another, it can be tempting to intervene, dictate a solution and quickly shut down the argument — but that can prevent children from brainstorming ways to fix their problems on their own. It can also encourage them depend on a parent for a resolution.
“With a little practice, children will get better at solving conflicts and need less help from parents,” Dr. Updegraff said. “Ultimately, the goal is for children to learn to solve conflicts on their own without needing help from parents by listening to each other and coming up with solutions that they can agree on.”“With a little practice, children will get better at solving conflicts and need less help from parents,” Dr. Updegraff said. “Ultimately, the goal is for children to learn to solve conflicts on their own without needing help from parents by listening to each other and coming up with solutions that they can agree on.”
Some children respond well to a visual aide when learning these new skills. In a 2012 study, researchers used an image of a traffic light to help elementary school children and their siblings practice self-control and conflict resolution. When the light was red, the children learned to take a deep breath and calm down. When the light was yellow, the children were instructed to listen carefully to each other, think about their different choices and make a plan. They were then asked to distinguish between solutions that were win-win, win-lose and lose-lose. The green light, the last step, represented picking the best solution and agreeing to try it. Over the course of the study, which also included lessons on the art of negotiating and goal-setting, the children participating in these activities improved their relationships with their siblings and showed better self-control. A 2016 study of Latino children that used the same intervention found similar results.Some children respond well to a visual aide when learning these new skills. In a 2012 study, researchers used an image of a traffic light to help elementary school children and their siblings practice self-control and conflict resolution. When the light was red, the children learned to take a deep breath and calm down. When the light was yellow, the children were instructed to listen carefully to each other, think about their different choices and make a plan. They were then asked to distinguish between solutions that were win-win, win-lose and lose-lose. The green light, the last step, represented picking the best solution and agreeing to try it. Over the course of the study, which also included lessons on the art of negotiating and goal-setting, the children participating in these activities improved their relationships with their siblings and showed better self-control. A 2016 study of Latino children that used the same intervention found similar results.
“If kids don’t learn to resolve these conflicts, by the time they’re teenagers then it’s very hard for parents to step in,” she said. “So that young middle-childhood age is really the best time. They’re developing all of these social-emotional skills.”“If kids don’t learn to resolve these conflicts, by the time they’re teenagers then it’s very hard for parents to step in,” she said. “So that young middle-childhood age is really the best time. They’re developing all of these social-emotional skills.”
Conflict also presents an opportunity for parents to articulate family rules and moral values, experts said. For example, you might tell your children about the importance of listening without interrupting, and explain that name-calling and physical violence are never good solutions to an argument.Conflict also presents an opportunity for parents to articulate family rules and moral values, experts said. For example, you might tell your children about the importance of listening without interrupting, and explain that name-calling and physical violence are never good solutions to an argument.
It can be easy to rely on the same methods you’ve always used to help your children get along, but being in quarantine can force us to confront old patterns that weren’t working and try new ones.It can be easy to rely on the same methods you’ve always used to help your children get along, but being in quarantine can force us to confront old patterns that weren’t working and try new ones.
For example, if you tend to focus on the negative behaviors, try giving just as much attention to the positive interactions between your children.For example, if you tend to focus on the negative behaviors, try giving just as much attention to the positive interactions between your children.
“Children often get our attention when they are fighting and hurting one another, but it is easy to ignore them when they are getting along and playing nicely,” Dr. Updegraff said.“Children often get our attention when they are fighting and hurting one another, but it is easy to ignore them when they are getting along and playing nicely,” Dr. Updegraff said.
Acknowledge behaviors that you want to see more of, like sharing and playing together. Positive reinforcement may increase that behavior in the future, she said.Acknowledge behaviors that you want to see more of, like sharing and playing together. Positive reinforcement may increase that behavior in the future, she said.
You can also encourage positive interactions among elementary school children by identifying common ground and helping them come up with a list of activities they all like, Dr. Updegraff added. It can be as simple as identifying a food that they enjoy eating for dinner or recognizing that they all like to paint.You can also encourage positive interactions among elementary school children by identifying common ground and helping them come up with a list of activities they all like, Dr. Updegraff added. It can be as simple as identifying a food that they enjoy eating for dinner or recognizing that they all like to paint.
If you’re really pressed for time, you can find little moments throughout the day to help siblings engage with each other and learn to see things from their sibling’s perspective, and to value that perspective even when it’s different.If you’re really pressed for time, you can find little moments throughout the day to help siblings engage with each other and learn to see things from their sibling’s perspective, and to value that perspective even when it’s different.
Updated June 16, 2020 Updated June 22, 2020
A commentary published this month on the website of the British Journal of Sports Medicine points out that covering your face during exercise “comes with issues of potential breathing restriction and discomfort” and requires “balancing benefits versus possible adverse events.” Masks do alter exercise, says Cedric X. Bryant, the president and chief science officer of the American Council on Exercise, a nonprofit organization that funds exercise research and certifies fitness professionals. “In my personal experience,” he says, “heart rates are higher at the same relative intensity when you wear a mask.” Some people also could experience lightheadedness during familiar workouts while masked, says Len Kravitz, a professor of exercise science at the University of New Mexico.
The steroid, dexamethasone, is the first treatment shown to reduce mortality in severely ill patients, according to scientists in Britain. The drug appears to reduce inflammation caused by the immune system, protecting the tissues. In the study, dexamethasone reduced deaths of patients on ventilators by one-third, and deaths of patients on oxygen by one-fifth.The steroid, dexamethasone, is the first treatment shown to reduce mortality in severely ill patients, according to scientists in Britain. The drug appears to reduce inflammation caused by the immune system, protecting the tissues. In the study, dexamethasone reduced deaths of patients on ventilators by one-third, and deaths of patients on oxygen by one-fifth.
The coronavirus emergency relief package gives many American workers paid leave if they need to take time off because of the virus. It gives qualified workers two weeks of paid sick leave if they are ill, quarantined or seeking diagnosis or preventive care for coronavirus, or if they are caring for sick family members. It gives 12 weeks of paid leave to people caring for children whose schools are closed or whose child care provider is unavailable because of the coronavirus. It is the first time the United States has had widespread federally mandated paid leave, and includes people who don’t typically get such benefits, like part-time and gig economy workers. But the measure excludes at least half of private-sector workers, including those at the country’s largest employers, and gives small employers significant leeway to deny leave.The coronavirus emergency relief package gives many American workers paid leave if they need to take time off because of the virus. It gives qualified workers two weeks of paid sick leave if they are ill, quarantined or seeking diagnosis or preventive care for coronavirus, or if they are caring for sick family members. It gives 12 weeks of paid leave to people caring for children whose schools are closed or whose child care provider is unavailable because of the coronavirus. It is the first time the United States has had widespread federally mandated paid leave, and includes people who don’t typically get such benefits, like part-time and gig economy workers. But the measure excludes at least half of private-sector workers, including those at the country’s largest employers, and gives small employers significant leeway to deny leave.
So far, the evidence seems to show it does. A widely cited paper published in April suggests that people are most infectious about two days before the onset of coronavirus symptoms and estimated that 44 percent of new infections were a result of transmission from people who were not yet showing symptoms. Recently, a top expert at the World Health Organization stated that transmission of the coronavirus by people who did not have symptoms was “very rare,” but she later walked back that statement.So far, the evidence seems to show it does. A widely cited paper published in April suggests that people are most infectious about two days before the onset of coronavirus symptoms and estimated that 44 percent of new infections were a result of transmission from people who were not yet showing symptoms. Recently, a top expert at the World Health Organization stated that transmission of the coronavirus by people who did not have symptoms was “very rare,” but she later walked back that statement.
Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks.Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks.
A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study.A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study.
The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April.The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April.
Mass protests against police brutality that have brought thousands of people onto the streets in cities across America are raising the specter of new coronavirus outbreaks, prompting political leaders, physicians and public health experts to warn that the crowds could cause a surge in cases. While many political leaders affirmed the right of protesters to express themselves, they urged the demonstrators to wear face masks and maintain social distancing, both to protect themselves and to prevent further community spread of the virus. Some infectious disease experts were reassured by the fact that the protests were held outdoors, saying the open air settings could mitigate the risk of transmission.
States are reopening bit by bit. This means that more public spaces are available for use and more and more businesses are being allowed to open again. The federal government is largely leaving the decision up to states, and some state leaders are leaving the decision up to local authorities. Even if you aren’t being told to stay at home, it’s still a good idea to limit trips outside and your interaction with other people.States are reopening bit by bit. This means that more public spaces are available for use and more and more businesses are being allowed to open again. The federal government is largely leaving the decision up to states, and some state leaders are leaving the decision up to local authorities. Even if you aren’t being told to stay at home, it’s still a good idea to limit trips outside and your interaction with other people.
Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days.Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days.
If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.)If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.)
Taking one’s temperature to look for signs of fever is not as easy as it sounds, as “normal” temperature numbers can vary, but generally, keep an eye out for a temperature of 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit or higher. If you don’t have a thermometer (they can be pricey these days), there are other ways to figure out if you have a fever, or are at risk of Covid-19 complications.
The C.D.C. has recommended that all Americans wear cloth masks if they go out in public. This is a shift in federal guidance reflecting new concerns that the coronavirus is being spread by infected people who have no symptoms. Until now, the C.D.C., like the W.H.O., has advised that ordinary people don’t need to wear masks unless they are sick and coughing. Part of the reason was to preserve medical-grade masks for health care workers who desperately need them at a time when they are in continuously short supply. Masks don’t replace hand washing and social distancing.
If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others.If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others.
If you’re sick and you think you’ve been exposed to the new coronavirus, the C.D.C. recommends that you call your healthcare provider and explain your symptoms and fears. They will decide if you need to be tested. Keep in mind that there’s a chance — because of a lack of testing kits or because you’re asymptomatic, for instance — you won’t be able to get tested.If you’re sick and you think you’ve been exposed to the new coronavirus, the C.D.C. recommends that you call your healthcare provider and explain your symptoms and fears. They will decide if you need to be tested. Keep in mind that there’s a chance — because of a lack of testing kits or because you’re asymptomatic, for instance — you won’t be able to get tested.
For example, Dr. Kramer said, you might say, “Billy, could you ask brother what he would like for breakfast this morning?” or “What do you think your brother would like for breakfast?”For example, Dr. Kramer said, you might say, “Billy, could you ask brother what he would like for breakfast this morning?” or “What do you think your brother would like for breakfast?”
You can also help your children develop a wider vocabulary for the emotions that they’re experiencing, she suggested. Kids may say that they hate their sibling when in reality they are feeling frustrated, disappointed or anxious. If they had more words to express those feelings, they might be in a better position to manage those feelings.You can also help your children develop a wider vocabulary for the emotions that they’re experiencing, she suggested. Kids may say that they hate their sibling when in reality they are feeling frustrated, disappointed or anxious. If they had more words to express those feelings, they might be in a better position to manage those feelings.
In her oft-cited research, Hildy Ross, Ph.D., a professor emerita at the University of Waterloo in Ontario, used formal mediation procedures to help parents resolve differences among children as young as 3.In her oft-cited research, Hildy Ross, Ph.D., a professor emerita at the University of Waterloo in Ontario, used formal mediation procedures to help parents resolve differences among children as young as 3.
In Dr. Ross’s research, a mediator (the parent) was in control, but remained neutral to allow the children to arrive at their own solutions.In Dr. Ross’s research, a mediator (the parent) was in control, but remained neutral to allow the children to arrive at their own solutions.
Mediation techniques included: telling the children they were responsible for finding a solution with the parents setting ground rules (stage 1); asking each child what happened during the dispute and what problem it posed for them (stage 2); asking children to talk about how the conflict affected them and how they felt and why (stage 3); and asking the children to come up with a solution, with a parent asking questions to make sure the proposed solutions are feasible (stage 4).Mediation techniques included: telling the children they were responsible for finding a solution with the parents setting ground rules (stage 1); asking each child what happened during the dispute and what problem it posed for them (stage 2); asking children to talk about how the conflict affected them and how they felt and why (stage 3); and asking the children to come up with a solution, with a parent asking questions to make sure the proposed solutions are feasible (stage 4).
The researchers found that parents who do not use mediation techniques tend to make more suggestions instead of letting the kids come up with solutions, and don’t talk about emotions and goals to the same extent, Dr. Ross said. In addition, the younger children in the conflict do not tend to speak up about their interests, nor play much of a part in forming the resolution of the conflict.The researchers found that parents who do not use mediation techniques tend to make more suggestions instead of letting the kids come up with solutions, and don’t talk about emotions and goals to the same extent, Dr. Ross said. In addition, the younger children in the conflict do not tend to speak up about their interests, nor play much of a part in forming the resolution of the conflict.
Not only is sibling conflict normal, it’s something parents should expect, said Jonathan Caspi, Ph.D., a therapist and professor of family science and human development at Montclair State University.Not only is sibling conflict normal, it’s something parents should expect, said Jonathan Caspi, Ph.D., a therapist and professor of family science and human development at Montclair State University.
During the coronavirus crisis, children might act out more often, and that is also normal, he said.During the coronavirus crisis, children might act out more often, and that is also normal, he said.
So don’t think that sibling squabbles mean you’re somehow failing at parenting.So don’t think that sibling squabbles mean you’re somehow failing at parenting.
“Anxiety reverberates through a family the way you throw a pebble into a pond,” Dr. Caspi said. “If you can take note of your own anxiety and say, ‘OK, I’m stressed, I’m going to respond differently to my kids.’ That alone can make you respond better.”“Anxiety reverberates through a family the way you throw a pebble into a pond,” Dr. Caspi said. “If you can take note of your own anxiety and say, ‘OK, I’m stressed, I’m going to respond differently to my kids.’ That alone can make you respond better.”