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Grieving Shouldn’t Be a Privilege Grieving Shouldn’t Be a Privilege
(about 16 hours later)
MINNEAPOLIS — My friend Moe was back at work a week after her husband, Andrew, hanged himself by the Mississippi River, just a few miles from their home in northeast Minneapolis.MINNEAPOLIS — My friend Moe was back at work a week after her husband, Andrew, hanged himself by the Mississippi River, just a few miles from their home in northeast Minneapolis.
She hadn’t slept or eaten in seven days, but she still showed up and did what she always did, curling and straightening and cutting her clients’ hair while they did what they always did, dumping their emotional baggage on her.She hadn’t slept or eaten in seven days, but she still showed up and did what she always did, curling and straightening and cutting her clients’ hair while they did what they always did, dumping their emotional baggage on her.
There are two typical reactions to that story. “Oh,” people shiver, “how could she?” and “Oh,” people nod, “of course.” Because while grief is a universal experience, being able to grieve in America remains a privilege. Andy died on Sept. 2. The mortgage was due by the 15th. If Moe didn’t cut hair, Moe wouldn’t get paid. For her, as for every other self-employed or gig worker, the choice was no choice at all. People who don’t have sick leave or health care coverage don’t have bereavement leave either.There are two typical reactions to that story. “Oh,” people shiver, “how could she?” and “Oh,” people nod, “of course.” Because while grief is a universal experience, being able to grieve in America remains a privilege. Andy died on Sept. 2. The mortgage was due by the 15th. If Moe didn’t cut hair, Moe wouldn’t get paid. For her, as for every other self-employed or gig worker, the choice was no choice at all. People who don’t have sick leave or health care coverage don’t have bereavement leave either.
Even having a full-time job wouldn’t have made much of a difference for Moe. A 2016 study by the Society for Human Resource Management found that on average, four days of paid leave were provided after the death of a spouse or child.Even having a full-time job wouldn’t have made much of a difference for Moe. A 2016 study by the Society for Human Resource Management found that on average, four days of paid leave were provided after the death of a spouse or child.
Any old grief book will tell you that acute grief lasts for six to 12 months, maybe longer. What helps is time. Not just its passage, but what you do with it. A person who has never had the free time or money to enjoy a massage or take unpaid time off from work is unlikely to suddenly be able to spend time journaling, visiting a therapist, meditating and talking calming baths. Any old grief book will tell you that acute grief lasts for six to 12 months, maybe longer. What helps is time. Not just its passage, but what you do with it. A person who has never had the free time or money to enjoy a massage or take unpaid time off from work is unlikely to suddenly be able to spend time journaling, visiting a therapist, meditating and taking calming baths.
When I was widowed just a few months after Moe, I had a full-time job working at a health and wellness company where it wasn’t unusual to have a meeting on a running trail that snaked around the plains near our office.When I was widowed just a few months after Moe, I had a full-time job working at a health and wellness company where it wasn’t unusual to have a meeting on a running trail that snaked around the plains near our office.
My husband, Aaron, had been sick with brain cancer and I’d taken the job to escape the relentless pace of the advertising world. It would be better hours, better benefits.My husband, Aaron, had been sick with brain cancer and I’d taken the job to escape the relentless pace of the advertising world. It would be better hours, better benefits.
The hours were better, and the benefits were pretty good. Except, of course, for one. While signing the mountain of papers that accompanies any new job, I failed to notice the bereavement leave policy, which granted any full-time employee a paid leave of five business days in the event of losing a parent, spouse, child or sibling.The hours were better, and the benefits were pretty good. Except, of course, for one. While signing the mountain of papers that accompanies any new job, I failed to notice the bereavement leave policy, which granted any full-time employee a paid leave of five business days in the event of losing a parent, spouse, child or sibling.
It was one day longer than the national average, but it didn’t feel generous to have a clock ticking down from the time of death, urging me toward grieving as expediently as possible. By the time those five days were up, I had yet to hold a funeral. I hadn’t even canceled his cellphone plan or cleared the water glass from his bedside table.It was one day longer than the national average, but it didn’t feel generous to have a clock ticking down from the time of death, urging me toward grieving as expediently as possible. By the time those five days were up, I had yet to hold a funeral. I hadn’t even canceled his cellphone plan or cleared the water glass from his bedside table.
I never went back to that job. My young husband hadn’t had health insurance, but a lot of friends and family and internet strangers pooled their money in an online fund-raiser that cost me some dignity but allowed me to quit my job, move myself and my child into my mother’s house and spend my time trying to metabolize the brick of sorrow that was lodged in my chest.I never went back to that job. My young husband hadn’t had health insurance, but a lot of friends and family and internet strangers pooled their money in an online fund-raiser that cost me some dignity but allowed me to quit my job, move myself and my child into my mother’s house and spend my time trying to metabolize the brick of sorrow that was lodged in my chest.
I was lucky. I had the time to think, feel, sleep. To cry in the aisles at Target. Eventually to find a therapist. I felt immense guilt about this luck. At night, I took some of the money from my fund-raiser and deposited it into the fund-raising campaigns of strangers dealing with their own losses. They too deserved some space, a boost to get their heads above water, if only long enough to scream for help.I was lucky. I had the time to think, feel, sleep. To cry in the aisles at Target. Eventually to find a therapist. I felt immense guilt about this luck. At night, I took some of the money from my fund-raiser and deposited it into the fund-raising campaigns of strangers dealing with their own losses. They too deserved some space, a boost to get their heads above water, if only long enough to scream for help.
Sorrow has always been a lonely experience, even when we were able to gather together. In the wake of loss, the Earth spins on, completely oblivious to the fact that your world has stopped spinning.Sorrow has always been a lonely experience, even when we were able to gather together. In the wake of loss, the Earth spins on, completely oblivious to the fact that your world has stopped spinning.
Right now, people are dying and grieving in solitude, their own personal losses compounded into a communal grief for the world we used to inhabit, where we could at least hold our dying mother’s hand and pretend to remember a distant cousin’s name as he hugged us at the funeral. In a sense, that communal suffering makes things a little less lonely.Right now, people are dying and grieving in solitude, their own personal losses compounded into a communal grief for the world we used to inhabit, where we could at least hold our dying mother’s hand and pretend to remember a distant cousin’s name as he hugged us at the funeral. In a sense, that communal suffering makes things a little less lonely.
But it is also threatening. We hold our own pain up against others’, and we secretly hope ours wins. What’s the emotional toll of the death of a husband as opposed to, say, an uncle? Is it grief to miss your senior prom because of the pandemic? How about when you compare it to the grief of an E.R. doctor who has witnessed the suffering and death of dozens of patients?But it is also threatening. We hold our own pain up against others’, and we secretly hope ours wins. What’s the emotional toll of the death of a husband as opposed to, say, an uncle? Is it grief to miss your senior prom because of the pandemic? How about when you compare it to the grief of an E.R. doctor who has witnessed the suffering and death of dozens of patients?
Anyone who dares to love someone has opened themselves up to the certainty of loss. Yes, everybody experiences grief. We need to make sure that everyone also gets to grieve.Anyone who dares to love someone has opened themselves up to the certainty of loss. Yes, everybody experiences grief. We need to make sure that everyone also gets to grieve.
Nora McInerny is the creator of the podcast “Terrible, Thanks for Asking” and the founder of the Hot Young Widows Club, a support group.Nora McInerny is the creator of the podcast “Terrible, Thanks for Asking” and the founder of the Hot Young Widows Club, a support group.
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