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I Left My Troubled City Behind. Now I Feel Guilty. I Left My Troubled City Behind. Now I Feel Guilty.
(17 days later)
I didn’t want to leave the city.I didn’t want to leave the city.
If the thought had entered my head in early March, I wasn’t aware of it. But CNN, The Times and NPR were in agreement: New York would be the next epicenter of the pandemic. Neighbors suddenly crowded the hallway with packed valises for “weekend” trips to their summer places. Even friends in Europe, New York-lovers all, were nervously Skyping me about my plans.If the thought had entered my head in early March, I wasn’t aware of it. But CNN, The Times and NPR were in agreement: New York would be the next epicenter of the pandemic. Neighbors suddenly crowded the hallway with packed valises for “weekend” trips to their summer places. Even friends in Europe, New York-lovers all, were nervously Skyping me about my plans.
But it was a late-night phone call from my son that did it. He urged me to get out with an authority that I hadn’t heard before. In a split second, the generations had shifted, and the 30-something was in charge. I’m in my 70s. It was the first time I truly felt old.But it was a late-night phone call from my son that did it. He urged me to get out with an authority that I hadn’t heard before. In a split second, the generations had shifted, and the 30-something was in charge. I’m in my 70s. It was the first time I truly felt old.
I knew that I was joining an exodus of the privileged. David, one of the porters in my building, looked at me wistfully the morning I left. “Don’t desert us!” he said, only half-kidding. David’s neighborhood in the Bronx would probably be a lot harder hit than the Upper West Side.I knew that I was joining an exodus of the privileged. David, one of the porters in my building, looked at me wistfully the morning I left. “Don’t desert us!” he said, only half-kidding. David’s neighborhood in the Bronx would probably be a lot harder hit than the Upper West Side.
But the worry in my son’s voice was unavoidable; like it or not, I was part of the high-risk group that would soon be filling hospital beds around the city.But the worry in my son’s voice was unavoidable; like it or not, I was part of the high-risk group that would soon be filling hospital beds around the city.
It has been two months since I fled. I’m living an hour north of the city in the most luxurious hide-out any fugitive could desire. My ex-wife and her husband invited me to hunker down in a large, light-filled room that she uses as a painting studio; they couldn’t be more generous. It may not be the strangest ménage a trois in these strange times. As my daughter says, “It’s a divorced child’s dream: all three loving parents under one roof.”It has been two months since I fled. I’m living an hour north of the city in the most luxurious hide-out any fugitive could desire. My ex-wife and her husband invited me to hunker down in a large, light-filled room that she uses as a painting studio; they couldn’t be more generous. It may not be the strangest ménage a trois in these strange times. As my daughter says, “It’s a divorced child’s dream: all three loving parents under one roof.”
But I miss the city, deeply. As a native New Yorker, I’ve never been away from it for this long. I miss the comfort of the absolutely familiar — knowing that my college friend lives in the building across the street, my cousin directly across the Park, and that my feet can find their way to the diner even in my sleep.But I miss the city, deeply. As a native New Yorker, I’ve never been away from it for this long. I miss the comfort of the absolutely familiar — knowing that my college friend lives in the building across the street, my cousin directly across the Park, and that my feet can find their way to the diner even in my sleep.
I try to give my hosts the privacy that they deserve. After our years together, Lone, my ex, knows my habits: there’s a good supply of dark chocolate in the house.I try to give my hosts the privacy that they deserve. After our years together, Lone, my ex, knows my habits: there’s a good supply of dark chocolate in the house.
Otherwise all is unfamiliar. Out here I’m like a baby rattling the bars of his crib, frustrated that he hasn’t learned to walk. The other day I had to get something from the Walgreens down the hill. I lost my way and came puffing back. I felt like my brain was saying, You’re not where you’re supposed to be.Otherwise all is unfamiliar. Out here I’m like a baby rattling the bars of his crib, frustrated that he hasn’t learned to walk. The other day I had to get something from the Walgreens down the hill. I lost my way and came puffing back. I felt like my brain was saying, You’re not where you’re supposed to be.
Like so many New Yorkers, I’ve been lured by other cities, but always realized in my gut that I couldn’t leave. Manhattan’s claustrophobic grid drew me to Paris’s winding streets. Skyrocketing rents made me yearn to live in a cheaper but no less intellectually stimulating city like Berlin. Los Angeles seemed so wildly eccentric that maybe it was a place to start a new life.Like so many New Yorkers, I’ve been lured by other cities, but always realized in my gut that I couldn’t leave. Manhattan’s claustrophobic grid drew me to Paris’s winding streets. Skyrocketing rents made me yearn to live in a cheaper but no less intellectually stimulating city like Berlin. Los Angeles seemed so wildly eccentric that maybe it was a place to start a new life.
And then there were the rural settings that made the pollution and daily costs of the city seem absurd, even offensive. Yet all the other places seemed unreal. For better or worse, New York is my reality.And then there were the rural settings that made the pollution and daily costs of the city seem absurd, even offensive. Yet all the other places seemed unreal. For better or worse, New York is my reality.
I’m not the only one. I had a friend who hadn’t stepped off Manhattan Island in 30 years. “You can have the rest of the world,” he’d say. “If it even exists.” Which is a strange thing to say, since historic buildings are torn down in the city at the drop of a developer’s checkbook. By the age of 30, most native New Yorkers have begun to realize that the city where they grew up doesn’t exist anymore, except in their imaginations.I’m not the only one. I had a friend who hadn’t stepped off Manhattan Island in 30 years. “You can have the rest of the world,” he’d say. “If it even exists.” Which is a strange thing to say, since historic buildings are torn down in the city at the drop of a developer’s checkbook. By the age of 30, most native New Yorkers have begun to realize that the city where they grew up doesn’t exist anymore, except in their imaginations.
But it’s right there in the individual imagination where the real New York resides. There are as many invisible networks — geographical, empathetic, practical — as there are people in the city. These networks take patience and cunning to construct, and in a real sense are the city dweller’s major achievement, his way of carving out of the chaos a small, personal sense of order. Only with a network can one track down the best physiotherapist or computer repair-person, know where to get real Danish butter or a decent egg-cream.But it’s right there in the individual imagination where the real New York resides. There are as many invisible networks — geographical, empathetic, practical — as there are people in the city. These networks take patience and cunning to construct, and in a real sense are the city dweller’s major achievement, his way of carving out of the chaos a small, personal sense of order. Only with a network can one track down the best physiotherapist or computer repair-person, know where to get real Danish butter or a decent egg-cream.
At first it was the anonymity of the city that drew me down from the Bronx, where I grew up, to Manhattan, where I could reinvent myself. I had my Bohemian Period, my Bourgeois Period, the Desert Island Phase, where almost everybody I knew left for the suburbs.At first it was the anonymity of the city that drew me down from the Bronx, where I grew up, to Manhattan, where I could reinvent myself. I had my Bohemian Period, my Bourgeois Period, the Desert Island Phase, where almost everybody I knew left for the suburbs.
But being away from New York for this long makes me aware that the web of human connections that took me decades to construct — Rosa and Ivanka, the motherly waitresses at the coffee shop; Ivan the pharmacist, who fills my prescriptions without being asked; Diane, a homeless woman on 96th Street, whose witty stories of urban survival are testimonies to her resilience — has kept me warm in what could sometimes be a cold setting.But being away from New York for this long makes me aware that the web of human connections that took me decades to construct — Rosa and Ivanka, the motherly waitresses at the coffee shop; Ivan the pharmacist, who fills my prescriptions without being asked; Diane, a homeless woman on 96th Street, whose witty stories of urban survival are testimonies to her resilience — has kept me warm in what could sometimes be a cold setting.
Updated June 2, 2020
Mass protests against police brutality that have brought thousands of people onto the streets in cities across America are raising the specter of new coronavirus outbreaks, prompting political leaders, physicians and public health experts to warn that the crowds could cause a surge in cases. While many political leaders affirmed the right of protesters to express themselves, they urged the demonstrators to wear face masks and maintain social distancing, both to protect themselves and to prevent further community spread of the virus. Some infectious disease experts were reassured by the fact that the protests were held outdoors, saying the open air settings could mitigate the risk of transmission.
Exercise researchers and physicians have some blunt advice for those of us aiming to return to regular exercise now: Start slowly and then rev up your workouts, also slowly. American adults tended to be about 12 percent less active after the stay-at-home mandates began in March than they were in January. But there are steps you can take to ease your way back into regular exercise safely. First, “start at no more than 50 percent of the exercise you were doing before Covid,” says Dr. Monica Rho, the chief of musculoskeletal medicine at the Shirley Ryan AbilityLab in Chicago. Thread in some preparatory squats, too, she advises. “When you haven’t been exercising, you lose muscle mass.” Expect some muscle twinges after these preliminary, post-lockdown sessions, especially a day or two later. But sudden or increasing pain during exercise is a clarion call to stop and return home.
States are reopening bit by bit. This means that more public spaces are available for use and more and more businesses are being allowed to open again. The federal government is largely leaving the decision up to states, and some state leaders are leaving the decision up to local authorities. Even if you aren’t being told to stay at home, it’s still a good idea to limit trips outside and your interaction with other people.
Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks.
Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days.
If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.)
More than 40 million people — the equivalent of 1 in 4 U.S. workers — have filed for unemployment benefits since the pandemic took hold. One in five who were working in February reported losing a job or being furloughed in March or the beginning of April, data from a Federal Reserve survey released on May 14 showed, and that pain was highly concentrated among low earners. Fully 39 percent of former workers living in a household earning $40,000 or less lost work, compared with 13 percent in those making more than $100,000, a Fed official said.
Taking one’s temperature to look for signs of fever is not as easy as it sounds, as “normal” temperature numbers can vary, but generally, keep an eye out for a temperature of 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit or higher. If you don’t have a thermometer (they can be pricey these days), there are other ways to figure out if you have a fever, or are at risk of Covid-19 complications.
The C.D.C. has recommended that all Americans wear cloth masks if they go out in public. This is a shift in federal guidance reflecting new concerns that the coronavirus is being spread by infected people who have no symptoms. Until now, the C.D.C., like the W.H.O., has advised that ordinary people don’t need to wear masks unless they are sick and coughing. Part of the reason was to preserve medical-grade masks for health care workers who desperately need them at a time when they are in continuously short supply. Masks don’t replace hand washing and social distancing.
If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others.
If you’re sick and you think you’ve been exposed to the new coronavirus, the C.D.C. recommends that you call your healthcare provider and explain your symptoms and fears. They will decide if you need to be tested. Keep in mind that there’s a chance — because of a lack of testing kits or because you’re asymptomatic, for instance — you won’t be able to get tested.
After I left in March, I pored over news accounts of exhausted health care workers and grilled my friends who had stayed behind to get a sense of how New York had changed. I envied the 7 p.m. orchestras of clappers and pot-bangers. I fantasized about taking hikes from one end of a becalmed Manhattan to the other the way I did on Sundays when I was a boy.After I left in March, I pored over news accounts of exhausted health care workers and grilled my friends who had stayed behind to get a sense of how New York had changed. I envied the 7 p.m. orchestras of clappers and pot-bangers. I fantasized about taking hikes from one end of a becalmed Manhattan to the other the way I did on Sundays when I was a boy.
But I’ve also felt guilty. Not about finding a safe shelter — as far as I can see, it was the wisest move for all concerned — but about having to leave my friends and neighbors.But I’ve also felt guilty. Not about finding a safe shelter — as far as I can see, it was the wisest move for all concerned — but about having to leave my friends and neighbors.
Now I want to reclaim my citizenship, which at its deepest level means caring about other people.Now I want to reclaim my citizenship, which at its deepest level means caring about other people.
I should be sitting in my overstuffed one-bedroom, worrying as ambulances scream by, or nodding a restrained thanks to police and firefighters as I walk past their twin stations on 100th Street. I should be cracking jokes with David and the other porters in my building, and joining neighbors in the lobby to mourn when an elderly resident dies.I should be sitting in my overstuffed one-bedroom, worrying as ambulances scream by, or nodding a restrained thanks to police and firefighters as I walk past their twin stations on 100th Street. I should be cracking jokes with David and the other porters in my building, and joining neighbors in the lobby to mourn when an elderly resident dies.
New York’s reputation for being tough and unsentimental is well-earned; connections between people are tenuous, provisional. But in a time like this, it becomes clear that we’re united by emotions that, 9/11 and Hurricane Sandy aside, are not usually touted in New York: helplessness, fear, bravery, self-sacrifice.New York’s reputation for being tough and unsentimental is well-earned; connections between people are tenuous, provisional. But in a time like this, it becomes clear that we’re united by emotions that, 9/11 and Hurricane Sandy aside, are not usually touted in New York: helplessness, fear, bravery, self-sacrifice.
The other day I spoke on the phone with a dear friend who works in the city for Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. I told her that I was feeling guilty about leaving New York even though I wasn’t sure that the city needed my guilt.The other day I spoke on the phone with a dear friend who works in the city for Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. I told her that I was feeling guilty about leaving New York even though I wasn’t sure that the city needed my guilt.
“Oh, but we do,” she said with practiced New York irony, “we definitely do.”“Oh, but we do,” she said with practiced New York irony, “we definitely do.”