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| Cherry Wilson: Should I remove or reply to my racist Facebook friend? | Cherry Wilson: Should I remove or reply to my racist Facebook friend? |
| (about 4 hours later) | |
| We probably all have that one friend on Facebook - who has exposed themselves recently as being racist. | We probably all have that one friend on Facebook - who has exposed themselves recently as being racist. |
| Mine is someone who I know from where I grew up. | Mine is someone who I know from where I grew up. |
| Normally I scroll past their statuses, slagging off their ex or their results from a Facebook quiz. | Normally I scroll past their statuses, slagging off their ex or their results from a Facebook quiz. |
| But with the focus on George Floyd's death, anti-racism protests and the debate about removing controversial British statues, they've moved to posting casually racist stuff. | But with the focus on George Floyd's death, anti-racism protests and the debate about removing controversial British statues, they've moved to posting casually racist stuff. |
| I know they don't think it's a big deal - it's just banter, don't take it too seriously. | I know they don't think it's a big deal - it's just banter, don't take it too seriously. |
| But when I see stuff like that, it stings. | But when I see stuff like that, it stings. |
| It just reminds me of all the racist names I've been called, all the times I've been asked, "Where are you from?" (England) | It just reminds me of all the racist names I've been called, all the times I've been asked, "Where are you from?" (England) |
| "No where are you from, from?" (Oh you mean why do I have this colour skin?) | "No where are you from, from?" (Oh you mean why do I have this colour skin?) |
| It reminds me of the time me and my sister couldn't get into a London club because they wanted a "European crowd" (code for white), and of all the times people think it's okay to touch my curly hair (I'm not a pet). | It reminds me of the time me and my sister couldn't get into a London club because they wanted a "European crowd" (code for white), and of all the times people think it's okay to touch my curly hair (I'm not a pet). |
| Racism is more than just calling someone the "N-word". | Racism is more than just calling someone the "N-word". |
| I don't know if I have the energy to respond to this person's posts, but if I don't speak up, am I just letting them off the hook? | I don't know if I have the energy to respond to this person's posts, but if I don't speak up, am I just letting them off the hook? |
| Cherry Wilson is a proud northerner who recently moved back to Stockport, Greater Manchester, where she grew up. | Cherry Wilson is a proud northerner who recently moved back to Stockport, Greater Manchester, where she grew up. |
| She studied journalism in Sheffield and was the first in her family to go to university. | She studied journalism in Sheffield and was the first in her family to go to university. |
| Her passion is telling the stories of the people and communities behind the headlines, exploring issues that matter to them. | Her passion is telling the stories of the people and communities behind the headlines, exploring issues that matter to them. |
| She has a great love for cups of tea, jerk chicken, chips and gravy and Coronation Street. | She has a great love for cups of tea, jerk chicken, chips and gravy and Coronation Street. |
| More from Cherry | More from Cherry |
| I decided I should do something. But needed advice on whether to click the unfriend button or the reply button. | I decided I should do something. But needed advice on whether to click the unfriend button or the reply button. |
| Social psychologist Dr Keon West says it depends on what you're trying to achieve. | Social psychologist Dr Keon West says it depends on what you're trying to achieve. |
| "If you're trying to just safeguard your mental health, I would not say you need to approach that person. | "If you're trying to just safeguard your mental health, I would not say you need to approach that person. |
| "I don't think you'll feel very good after repeatedly engaging with people doing very racist things, you will probably feel worse." | "I don't think you'll feel very good after repeatedly engaging with people doing very racist things, you will probably feel worse." |
| But if you're hoping to make them post things that are less racist or be more compassionate, you might consider hitting that reply button. | But if you're hoping to make them post things that are less racist or be more compassionate, you might consider hitting that reply button. |
| "If you are trying to remind other people that social norms do not permit this kind of behaviour then I would say you should address that person and have a conversation with them. | "If you are trying to remind other people that social norms do not permit this kind of behaviour then I would say you should address that person and have a conversation with them. |
| "Even if it doesn't change their mind, it might give them a different sense of what's considered acceptable behaviour." | "Even if it doesn't change their mind, it might give them a different sense of what's considered acceptable behaviour." |
| When I see the posts from the person I know, I wonder whether replying to them would change anything. | When I see the posts from the person I know, I wonder whether replying to them would change anything. |
| I can just hear them now - "You're just playing the race card." | I can just hear them now - "You're just playing the race card." |
| So I've asked other people what they've done when they've come across racist and ignorant posts. | So I've asked other people what they've done when they've come across racist and ignorant posts. |
| "I definitely started to reply to comments, but it got bad," Alisha Standing, 27, told me. | "I definitely started to reply to comments, but it got bad," Alisha Standing, 27, told me. |
| "Someone told me I deserve to get raped while I was trying to explain why it's important that Black Lives Matter has its own voice vs All Lives Matter. | "Someone told me I deserve to get raped while I was trying to explain why it's important that Black Lives Matter has its own voice vs All Lives Matter. |
| "After that, I just decided to delete and block people. It actually scarred me a bit, to be honest." | "After that, I just decided to delete and block people. It actually scarred me a bit, to be honest." |
| Comedian and author Njambi McGrath took the time to reply to a man she considered racist even though it can sometimes feel "exhausting". | Comedian and author Njambi McGrath took the time to reply to a man she considered racist even though it can sometimes feel "exhausting". |
| But she believes by sharing her thoughts it might make him think about how other people feel. | But she believes by sharing her thoughts it might make him think about how other people feel. |
| "If he goes home that day and even if he's going to hold the same view, at the back of his mind he will know someone has raised a point. | "If he goes home that day and even if he's going to hold the same view, at the back of his mind he will know someone has raised a point. |
| "He is not as ignorant as he was before I engaged with him." | "He is not as ignorant as he was before I engaged with him." |
| Kasia Williams says her husband has experienced racism, so she feels it's important for her to speak out when she sees it on Facebook. | Kasia Williams says her husband has experienced racism, so she feels it's important for her to speak out when she sees it on Facebook. |
| "I can't stay silent and ignore that. A lot of people did listen and said, 'Thanks for sharing your knowledge' and went on to educate others and I think that's important. | "I can't stay silent and ignore that. A lot of people did listen and said, 'Thanks for sharing your knowledge' and went on to educate others and I think that's important. |
| "But unfortunately there are some people who don't want to listen and I started to feel like it was a waste of time." | "But unfortunately there are some people who don't want to listen and I started to feel like it was a waste of time." |
| Dr West says if you reply to people's posts, don't expect them to suddenly stop being racist. | Dr West says if you reply to people's posts, don't expect them to suddenly stop being racist. |
| "If you think that by arguing with them on the internet there will be less biased, the research says probably not. But they may be aware that other people do not appreciate their behaviour. | "If you think that by arguing with them on the internet there will be less biased, the research says probably not. But they may be aware that other people do not appreciate their behaviour. |
| "There are ways to educate people but they still take time and usually don't take the format of a shouting match on the internet." | "There are ways to educate people but they still take time and usually don't take the format of a shouting match on the internet." |
| Matthew Collins, head of intelligence at anti-racism charity Hope Not Hate, says a lot of racism and bigotry comes from fear and a lack of understanding. | Matthew Collins, head of intelligence at anti-racism charity Hope Not Hate, says a lot of racism and bigotry comes from fear and a lack of understanding. |
| He calls it the "what-about-ery" - meaning "what about me?" | He calls it the "what-about-ery" - meaning "what about me?" |
| "They look at Black Lives Matter, and the two things that they say is, 'Why should they get something I don't have?' and that they don't understand the concept. | "They look at Black Lives Matter, and the two things that they say is, 'Why should they get something I don't have?' and that they don't understand the concept. |
| "They have a real fear that what little they have, they have something to lose by it." | "They have a real fear that what little they have, they have something to lose by it." |
| Matthew believes society is going to need strong leadership to address the issue of some people's fears around racial equality in order to make significant progress. | Matthew believes society is going to need strong leadership to address the issue of some people's fears around racial equality in order to make significant progress. |
| "We have to bear in mind we're going to come up against a lot of resistance unless we can soothe the fears of people who think equality for people of colour somehow takes something away from them - and of course it doesn't." | "We have to bear in mind we're going to come up against a lot of resistance unless we can soothe the fears of people who think equality for people of colour somehow takes something away from them - and of course it doesn't." |
| Having looked again at the Facebook page of the person I know, one of their latest posts takes the mick out of black men. | Having looked again at the Facebook page of the person I know, one of their latest posts takes the mick out of black men. |
| I can't help but roll my eyes - I'm tired of it all. Time to click that unfriend button. | I can't help but roll my eyes - I'm tired of it all. Time to click that unfriend button. |
| Follow Cherry on Twitter: @cherryewilson | Follow Cherry on Twitter: @cherryewilson |
| A selection of our readers' comments | |
| I posted a comment on Facebook which was clumsy: I suggested that all forms of oppression and barriers should be removed for all folks. I was using "all" in the sense that none should be left behind. However, my words were interpreted to mean the opposite, which created excitement and upset. So I would say this: engage with the individual. Don't dismiss them as stupid, ask them what they mean. If you block or ignore folks who are truly racist, then not only do you fail to promote change but you also drive the opinion underground. | |
| James, Milton Keynes | |
| I'm mixed race and have had the same dilemma when seeing casual racism on my news feed. Initially I started to challenge the posts but found that some people are not open to being educated. It started to have an impact on my mental health so I took the decision to unfriend them. I'm grateful that I've had black and white friends check in on me during this time to make sure I'm OK and wanting to widen their own understanding. This made me realise that it is more important for me to focus on change rather than exhausting myself trying to convince people who have no desire to see any perspective other than their own. | |
| Michelle, Sheffield, UK | |
| I am a white retired police officer. I would advise anyone to not share any racist articles or comments with me and if they continued to do so I would have to unfriend them. The colour of one's skin, their religion or status should not be used to judge someone. I choose my friends by how they treat others and what is in their heart. | |
| Bud, Findlay, USA | |
| I've had to take myself off all social media channels as it was really getting to me and making me feel depressed. I am a white woman married to a Muslim man and we've laughed off instances that on reflection were clearly racist. Once he offered to light a lady's cigarette at our local pub and she said: "I thought you were going to stab me then." To have people that I have known since I was five post vile things on social media just shows that they don't believe their own rhetoric of "all lives matter". | |
| Amy, St Helens, UK | |
| I think if things are to change, it's white people who need to speak up, so I did. I haven't unfriended him but I am deeply unimpressed by his comments and have no real desire to stay in contact with someone who I feel needs to evolve. My gut feeling about him has now been confirmed. It was fun at Uni but that's just nostalgia, which doesn't warrant maintaining this friendship now. | |
| David, Manchester, UK | |
| I had an in-law on Facebook who repeatedly sent racist posts. In the beginning I tried to point out that the posts were offensive and why. In the end I defriended as it was a constant argument. Makes me sick to the stomach as I've known this person over 30 years. She thought because I'm white I'd agree with her views, at least now she knows that is definitely not the case. | |
| Lynn, Glasgow, UK | |
| Watching the video of George Floyd being murdered really moved me. Of course I will never fully understand, being a white woman from Exeter, but I will try to. I would like to be an ally. I have been absolutely horrified to see racist posts by people I've known for years. I have tried to engage, but in many cases these efforts have been completely futile. No matter how hard you plead, with some people the only thing to do is report them, block and unfriend. I hope and pray that the next generation are a more tolerant bunch. | |
| Josephine, Exeter, UK | |
| I had to unfriend a good friend on Facebook. He's said he was "only joking" when other people have confronted him, but I know that is not the case. I feel I sent a strong message by deleting him, and I protected myself from major negativity. I'm happier now. | |
| Nicholas, Bozeman, USA | |
| I do try to call people out on issues I disagree with, but I don't expect to change the mind of the person I'm responding directly to. I post so that other people reading the thread are at least presented with an alternative viewpoint. In the echo-chamber that social media can become, ensuring people are exposed to both sides is important | |
| Katherine, Berlin, Germany | |
| Has this happened to you? Did you block or reply? Tell us about it! | Has this happened to you? Did you block or reply? Tell us about it! |