''After mum died, no-one talked about her for 15 years'' diff viewer (0/1)

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'After mum died, no-one talked about her for 15 years'	'After mum died, no-one talked about her for 15 years'
2020-06-22 00:24:22 UTC	2020-06-23 20:24:18 UTC (2 days later)
Iain Cunningham always believed that his birth had something to do with his mother's death, but whatever it was seemed to be a family secret that couldn't be discussed. It wasn't until Iain was an adult with a family of his own that he uncovered who his mother really was and why she had died.	Iain Cunningham always believed that his birth had something to do with his mother's death, but whatever it was seemed to be a family secret that couldn't be discussed. It wasn't until Iain was an adult with a family of his own that he uncovered who his mother really was and why she had died.
The feeling of opening the box on his 18th birthday is one that Iain Cunningham will never forget.	The feeling of opening the box on his 18th birthday is one that Iain Cunningham will never forget.
"It was like a religious experience," Iain says. "It was very powerful - it was the first time I'd seen photographs of her, the first time I'd seen anything."	"It was like a religious experience," Iain says. "It was very powerful - it was the first time I'd seen photographs of her, the first time I'd seen anything."
The box had been gathering dust in the attic for 15 years, ever since the woman whose belongings had been carefully packed away inside it had died - Iain's mum, Irene.	The box had been gathering dust in the attic for 15 years, ever since the woman whose belongings had been carefully packed away inside it had died - Iain's mum, Irene.
There were photos from Irene's wedding day in the early 1970s and a plastic bride-and-groom figurine that had decorated the top of the wedding cake. There was a wooden music box, underneath whose lid a ballerina in a net skirt twirled above satin-lined compartments where Irene would tuck away her jewellery. And there was a vanity set that once sat on Irene's dressing table, with hair from her head still entwined in the bristles of the brushes.	There were photos from Irene's wedding day in the early 1970s and a plastic bride-and-groom figurine that had decorated the top of the wedding cake. There was a wooden music box, underneath whose lid a ballerina in a net skirt twirled above satin-lined compartments where Irene would tuck away her jewellery. And there was a vanity set that once sat on Irene's dressing table, with hair from her head still entwined in the bristles of the brushes.
Iain found his baby book in the box too, inside which his mother had begun to document her firstborn's new life. She'd written his date of birth and the colour of his eyes - but most of the book was empty.	Iain found his baby book in the box too, inside which his mother had begun to document her firstborn's new life. She'd written his date of birth and the colour of his eyes - but most of the book was empty.
"It felt to me like the pages of an untold story," Iain says. "I needed to fill in that blank space."	"It felt to me like the pages of an untold story," Iain says. "I needed to fill in that blank space."
Don, Iain's father, was 18 when he first met Irene, at a dance at Coventry's Locarno ballroom.	Don, Iain's father, was 18 when he first met Irene, at a dance at Coventry's Locarno ballroom.
"And then we arranged to meet the next week under the bus station clock," Don says.	"And then we arranged to meet the next week under the bus station clock," Don says.
The couple went to the pictures and from then on met regularly. Don had a job at Dunlop in Coventry making aircraft brakes, while Irene, who was a year older, worked at a textiles factory in Nuneaton sewing the flies into trousers. She and the other girls would sometimes smuggle in their own material to make clothes for themselves on the sly. Later she moved on to work for a hosiery manufacturer in Hinckley called Flude's, pulling tights on to a Perspex leg and straightening them out before they continued down the production belt.	The couple went to the pictures and from then on met regularly. Don had a job at Dunlop in Coventry making aircraft brakes, while Irene, who was a year older, worked at a textiles factory in Nuneaton sewing the flies into trousers. She and the other girls would sometimes smuggle in their own material to make clothes for themselves on the sly. Later she moved on to work for a hosiery manufacturer in Hinckley called Flude's, pulling tights on to a Perspex leg and straightening them out before they continued down the production belt.
"We didn't have two ha'pennies to rub together," Don remembers. "Inflation had gone through the roof so we didn't go out an awful lot, but there was a pub not far away that we used to walk to, and we'd sit with one drink all night long because we were saving to get married."	"We didn't have two ha'pennies to rub together," Don remembers. "Inflation had gone through the roof so we didn't go out an awful lot, but there was a pub not far away that we used to walk to, and we'd sit with one drink all night long because we were saving to get married."
~~Don and Irene tied the knot a couple of years later - just as the UK economy was grinding to a standstill - and within a couple of years they were expecting their first child.~~	Don and Irene tied the knot a couple of years later - just as the UK economy was grinding to a standstill - and within a couple more years they were expecting their first child.
"Irene was very happy when she was pregnant," Don says. "We were both very happy."	"Irene was very happy when she was pregnant," Don says. "We were both very happy."
But soon after Iain was born, in January 1976, things started to go wrong. Irene confided in her best friend that she'd been hallucinating while she was recovering from the birth in hospital, and when she brought her baby son home she couldn't sleep, began writing strange notes, and told her mother, "I'm not Irene, you know, I'm Irene's ghost."	But soon after Iain was born, in January 1976, things started to go wrong. Irene confided in her best friend that she'd been hallucinating while she was recovering from the birth in hospital, and when she brought her baby son home she couldn't sleep, began writing strange notes, and told her mother, "I'm not Irene, you know, I'm Irene's ghost."
Don took Irene to the doctor who diagnosed postnatal depression. Irene was sectioned and admitted to the psychiatric unit at the local hospital where she was sedated and underwent electroconvulsive therapy (ECT).	Don took Irene to the doctor who diagnosed postnatal depression. Irene was sectioned and admitted to the psychiatric unit at the local hospital where she was sedated and underwent electroconvulsive therapy (ECT).
"And not long after that she went into that catatonic stupor," Don says.	"And not long after that she went into that catatonic stupor," Don says.
For a period Irene was unresponsive and immobile, almost as though she was in a coma. When she came round her personality had changed - she was paranoid, withdrawn and would stare into space, but would sit up in bed from time to time and eat a packet of biscuits.	For a period Irene was unresponsive and immobile, almost as though she was in a coma. When she came round her personality had changed - she was paranoid, withdrawn and would stare into space, but would sit up in bed from time to time and eat a packet of biscuits.
"I was devastated," Don says. "But I had Iain to look after, work to go to and Irene to see in the evenings - I just had to keep going."	"I was devastated," Don says. "But I had Iain to look after, work to go to and Irene to see in the evenings - I just had to keep going."
Family and neighbours rallied round to help with the new baby while Irene was in hospital - a period throughout which Don recalls feeling "completely in the dark" about what was going on with his wife's health and the treatment she was receiving.	Family and neighbours rallied round to help with the new baby while Irene was in hospital - a period throughout which Don recalls feeling "completely in the dark" about what was going on with his wife's health and the treatment she was receiving.
"It was a different world - doctors didn't give you any information and you weren't told what medication they were on or for what," he says. "It was never explained to me what a catatonic stupor was and in those days there was no internet where you could go and look things up. My life consisted of going to the hospital every night and just sitting next to someone who was completely uncommunicative."	"It was a different world - doctors didn't give you any information and you weren't told what medication they were on or for what," he says. "It was never explained to me what a catatonic stupor was and in those days there was no internet where you could go and look things up. My life consisted of going to the hospital every night and just sitting next to someone who was completely uncommunicative."
Irene spent about nine months in hospital, but there then followed a period of around 18 months during which she was living happily at home with her young son and husband, taking Iain to the park and to cafes, and on walks to visit friends.	Irene spent about nine months in hospital, but there then followed a period of around 18 months during which she was living happily at home with her young son and husband, taking Iain to the park and to cafes, and on walks to visit friends.
But at a certain point Irene started becoming manic. She couldn't stop talking, day and night, wasn't sleeping, and soon had to be readmitted to hospital.	But at a certain point Irene started becoming manic. She couldn't stop talking, day and night, wasn't sleeping, and soon had to be readmitted to hospital.
"I just didn't understand why it could happen again when she seemed so happy to be with Iain," Don says.	"I just didn't understand why it could happen again when she seemed so happy to be with Iain," Don says.
One late October morning about three months later, the phone rang as Don was working in an upstairs office at the Dunlop factory. It was Tom, Don's brother. There was terrible news. Irene was dead.	One late October morning about three months later, the phone rang as Don was working in an upstairs office at the Dunlop factory. It was Tom, Don's brother. There was terrible news. Irene was dead.
At the hospital Don was asked to identify his wife's body. They told him she had died of heart failure, but very little else - he wasn't given a proper explanation of what had happened or why.	At the hospital Don was asked to identify his wife's body. They told him she had died of heart failure, but very little else - he wasn't given a proper explanation of what had happened or why.
"I was 28 and my life had fallen apart," Don says. "I didn't know what I was going to do with myself, left on my own with a very small child. How was I ever going to get my life back together?"	"I was 28 and my life had fallen apart," Don says. "I didn't know what I was going to do with myself, left on my own with a very small child. How was I ever going to get my life back together?"
Growing up, Iain had many nightmares about his mother dying, in which he'd see himself running down a hospital corridor away from a blazing fire. He still remembers those dreams vividly, as he does the feeling of losing his mother, which stayed with him long after her face had faded from his memory.	Growing up, Iain had many nightmares about his mother dying, in which he'd see himself running down a hospital corridor away from a blazing fire. He still remembers those dreams vividly, as he does the feeling of losing his mother, which stayed with him long after her face had faded from his memory.
But whenever he tried to talk to his dad about his mum it always seemed to hit a raw nerve - Don would immediately well up and Iain would resolve not to push it. And aside from his grandmother - whom he'd occasionally chat to about Irene - nobody else really seemed willing to talk about her. So Iain grew up with almost no idea what she'd been like.	But whenever he tried to talk to his dad about his mum it always seemed to hit a raw nerve - Don would immediately well up and Iain would resolve not to push it. And aside from his grandmother - whom he'd occasionally chat to about Irene - nobody else really seemed willing to talk about her. So Iain grew up with almost no idea what she'd been like.
A year or so after Irene died, Don met Judith who later became his second wife. Judith and Iain quickly became very close - "almost like birth mother and son," Don says. But Iain never talked to his new mum about Irene either, and remembers crying when she went into hospital to give birth to his half-sister - he was worried that like Irene, Judith might never come back.	A year or so after Irene died, Don met Judith who later became his second wife. Judith and Iain quickly became very close - "almost like birth mother and son," Don says. But Iain never talked to his new mum about Irene either, and remembers crying when she went into hospital to give birth to his half-sister - he was worried that like Irene, Judith might never come back.
Over the years Don fell out of touch with most of Irene's family and many of their old neighbours and friends. Looking back he's not exactly sure why he didn't talk to his son about Irene more - he was just trying to cope, the best he could.	Over the years Don fell out of touch with most of Irene's family and many of their old neighbours and friends. Looking back he's not exactly sure why he didn't talk to his son about Irene more - he was just trying to cope, the best he could.
"What understanding would he have had at that age? I don't know. It's very difficult to decide when to tell someone about something like that," Don says.	"What understanding would he have had at that age? I don't know. It's very difficult to decide when to tell someone about something like that," Don says.
"When you build a new life you don't want to keep going back over what happened before - you're just concentrating on being a family together."	"When you build a new life you don't want to keep going back over what happened before - you're just concentrating on being a family together."
And so it wasn't until Iain's 18th birthday that Don brought the box of Irene's belongings down from the attic for the first time. Together they dusted it off and sifted through the photos and mementos that told the story of a woman Iain could no longer remember.	And so it wasn't until Iain's 18th birthday that Don brought the box of Irene's belongings down from the attic for the first time. Together they dusted it off and sifted through the photos and mementos that told the story of a woman Iain could no longer remember.
Iain held on to his baby book, but then the rest of the box was repacked, carried back up the ladder and put away again. And nothing more was said about Irene.	Iain held on to his baby book, but then the rest of the box was repacked, carried back up the ladder and put away again. And nothing more was said about Irene.
By his early 30s, Iain had married and become a parent himself. As his eldest daughter approached the age that he had been when his own mother died, Iain decided it was time to try to fill in some of the gaps in what he knew about Irene.	By his early 30s, Iain had married and become a parent himself. As his eldest daughter approached the age that he had been when his own mother died, Iain decided it was time to try to fill in some of the gaps in what he knew about Irene.
"When you have a child that age, coming up to three, you see that they're a fully rounded and emotional human being, and I found myself wondering more and more about what happened to Irene and the impact that had had on me," he says.	"When you have a child that age, coming up to three, you see that they're a fully rounded and emotional human being, and I found myself wondering more and more about what happened to Irene and the impact that had had on me," he says.
"I wanted to amplify her a bit and celebrate her as a person - but first I needed to find out who she was, I really didn't know anything about her."	"I wanted to amplify her a bit and celebrate her as a person - but first I needed to find out who she was, I really didn't know anything about her."
Iain asked his father to bring down the box from the attic for the first time since his 18th birthday. Then he placed an advert in the Nuneaton Telegraph asking people to contact him if they'd known his mother, and stuck posters to lampposts. Over time he tracked down Irene's closest friends, school classmates, relatives, old neighbours and former colleagues, who each shared stories and photographs of the Irene they'd known.	Iain asked his father to bring down the box from the attic for the first time since his 18th birthday. Then he placed an advert in the Nuneaton Telegraph asking people to contact him if they'd known his mother, and stuck posters to lampposts. Over time he tracked down Irene's closest friends, school classmates, relatives, old neighbours and former colleagues, who each shared stories and photographs of the Irene they'd known.