Let's talk about death

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Death is an integral part of life but for 21st century cotton-wool kids it has become all too easy to keep it at arm's length.

Jade Goody's very public battle with cancer has thrust it into the spotlight. And children will be aware that a young woman, a young mother, is dying.

So what is the best way to respond when a healthily inquisitive four-year-old asks: "But Mummy, where is heaven?"

It is one of those questions that as a parent, well, comes down to life and death.

I did not expect to be confronted by it quite so soon.

Mummy said daddy had gone to heaven. But she won't take me to see him The advice is to be as clear as possible

But I suppose my son has himself been confronted by death earlier than many children. My brother died a year before my son was born and it is only natural when he sees photos of Uncle Dave for him to ask: "But where is he?"

It is not surprising that he wants to know. But what is the best way to tell a small child? I have approached it on a need-to-know basis - ie: Where is he? Well, he died which means we cannot see him anymore.

This progressed into where do people go? Some people think that when people die they go to heaven. Where is that? Sort of all around us.

However, I am concerned that this is becoming a dangerously morbid obsession.

I am asked questions such as: Can children die? Yes, sometimes. What about babies? Sometimes they can too. This leads to: "I hope Sam [his younger brother] doesn't die because he's a lovely baby."

I am also confronted with: "If Sam was walking without his reins and walked onto a level crossing when the lights were flashing what would happen?" He's reassured when I tell him that would never happen but immediately asks: "But what if he was walking right next to a river without his reins?"

OK, so it is good that he is danger-aware but have I approached it all wrong?

Harsh reality

Jade Goody's battle to come to terms with a terminal illness has thrust death onto the front pages.

Children who are old enough to be able to read will see that a young woman with two young children is dying. Is this harsh reality of life more than they need to know?

Definitely not, says Winston's Wish, a leading childhood bereavement charity.

"Broadly, our advice is always to be as open and honest with children as you can possibly be," said a spokeswoman.

"In a situation like Jade Goody's, for example, quite often people will assume that children don't know what's going on and, actually, they know what's going on and are very aware and if they are not part of the process it can have a very negative impact. Whenever there is any emotion bottled up it's unlikely to have a positive outcome."

When children ask a question such as what does death mean it is usually because they have an idea forming in their head Brendan McIntyre, Winston's Wish

The advice is to keep language simple and direct - saying that someone is 'lost', 'gone' or 'passed away' is meaningless to a child. Saying that someone has died or is dead helps to avoid confusion and encourages acceptance.

The charity's family service manager, Brendan McIntyre, said: "Saying Daddy's gone to sleep could lead to their having trouble themselves going to sleep."

The charity gives some examples of feedback from children.

'Mummy said daddy had gone to heaven. But she won't take me to see him'.

'Granny lives in Cornwall so I don't see why we can't go and visit him: you go through heaven to get there.'

'Gran says mum can see me all the time. So she must have seen me hide the sweets. She won't love me any more because I said I hadn't.'

Completing a puzzle

Mr McIntyre's advice is to approach it like a jigsaw puzzle - where the child asks for information as and when they need it.

"Step one would be that, for example, Daddy's got an illness but the doctors and nurses are doing all they can to make him better. Then, over time, that there's nothing more the doctors and nurses can do to make him better. It's about making that information available when it's needed."

There is a natural inclination as a parent to want to protect your child from many of life's sharp corners but Mr McIntyre says: "One thing we have found is that children can handle a lot more than you might think."

A lot of it is about finding the right way of giving age appropriate information. But should I be concerned that my son is very close to completing a very complicated jigsaw puzzle at a very young age?

"One of the things we have come to learn is that when children ask a question such as what does death mean it is usually because they have an idea forming in their head," says Mr McIntyre.

"Often the best response is to ask them what they think and they will tell you and you can go from there."