No Boys Allowed

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/02/19/business/roxane-gay-work-friend-male-managers.html

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Yes, we live in a pet-obsessed society, and if pets aren’t your thing, you simply don’t get a pet. But, my goodness. Are you OK? I ask because I worry there is something going on in your life that leads you to feel such callousness. It is totally fine if it strikes you as absurd to send flowers to someone upon a pet’s death, but it clearly brings comfort to some of your colleagues.

I am not a pet person, and before I married an animal lover, I didn’t understand that whole vibe. Now, we have a puppy and two cats, and while I may not be a fan of animals, I am a fan of these three creatures. I digress. Let your co-workers live, and simply decline to participate if it really bothers you this much. Vent about it in the group chat.

I don’t know if it is a common practice in workplace culture or beyond, but I do know the loss of a pet can be devastating. It speaks quite well to your workplace that your colleagues care about one another like this. That’s the only thing you need to know about workplace culture.

This is a very modern problem, but the solution is relatively simple. I love boundaries, especially when it comes to maintaining a healthy work-life balance. It is not rude to not follow people you work with. You can simply say you don’t want to blur the lines, so you don’t follow colleagues from your personal social media accounts. If the pressure is intense, create a finsta where you can be yourself and allow your colleagues to follow a “professional” personal account. You don’t owe anyone more information about your life than you are willing to share. Hold the line.

Slow down there, friend. I love your ambition and your confidence. And the things you’re insecure about can be addressed. Build your wardrobe, as your budget allows, by selecting timeless, well-made pieces. It’s better to spend more on one or two good suits than less on several cheap suits or ensembles.

Public speaking is terrifying. I still struggle with it, too. But there are classes you can take. The internet has all kinds of advice on overcoming this anxiety. If you’re particularly motivated, put yourself in professional situations where you have to speak. Because in addition to whatever training you might try, practice really will help you improve those skills.

As for advancement, telling your boss you want his job would probably be seen as aggression, at best. It could create unnecessary friction in what seems like a good professional situation. I suggest telling your boss that you’re interested in advancing in the organization, when there’s an organic opportunity, and ask him to mentor you so you can be prepared to thrive when the time comes. It’s a more subtle way of letting him know you want to move up without meeting him at high noon for a duel.

I can certainly understand why a woman wouldn’t want a male supervisor if she previously had negative experiences with one. But yes, it is an unacceptable request. We don’t get to pick and choose whom we work for unless we work for ourselves. I don’t know enough about this woman’s motivations, but we all have preferences to which we are entitled. We are not promised anything.

I would first approach this with empathy while also making it clear that her preference cannot be accommodated. This request comes from somewhere. Maybe H.R. (or you, or both) can ask her why she would prefer a woman supervisor and, depending on her response, address her concerns. She will have to decide if she can stay with the company or not, but you will have done your part.

Roxane Gay is the author, most recently, of “Hunger” and a contributing opinion writer. Write to her at workfriend@nytimes.com.