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What happens when children grow tired of their teddy bears? In his weekly column, Laurie Taylor explains how he turned his furry friend into a biology experiment.What happens when children grow tired of their teddy bears? In his weekly column, Laurie Taylor explains how he turned his furry friend into a biology experiment.
"Mummy, Laurence is bending his Meccano again." "I'm not." "Yes you are." "Well, I'm only bending it because it's supposed to be bent." "It's not supposed to be bent.""Mummy, Laurence is bending his Meccano again." "I'm not." "Yes you are." "Well, I'm only bending it because it's supposed to be bent." "It's not supposed to be bent."
My spotty little sister was right. And in my heart I knew she was right. But after spending the best part of an hour and a half screwing together dozens of pieces of red and green metal and still finding that what lay on the table before me bore hardly any resemblance at all to the finished product on the box top, it was difficult not to hurry matters along by a bit of covert bending.My spotty little sister was right. And in my heart I knew she was right. But after spending the best part of an hour and a half screwing together dozens of pieces of red and green metal and still finding that what lay on the table before me bore hardly any resemblance at all to the finished product on the box top, it was difficult not to hurry matters along by a bit of covert bending.
FIND OUT MORE Hear Laurie Taylor's Thinking Allowed on Radio 4 at 1600 on Wednesdays or 0030 on MondaysOr listen to it here on the iPlayerFIND OUT MORE Hear Laurie Taylor's Thinking Allowed on Radio 4 at 1600 on Wednesdays or 0030 on MondaysOr listen to it here on the iPlayer
And that was the story of my childhood. I quickly lost patience with all my toys. Consider my Kay's Chemistry Set. I knew perfectly well that my dad had spent a lot of money buying me the senior set - the one with the little spirit burner and the test-tube holders and retort stand and clamps - but I quickly got bored with the experiments in the instruction manual.And that was the story of my childhood. I quickly lost patience with all my toys. Consider my Kay's Chemistry Set. I knew perfectly well that my dad had spent a lot of money buying me the senior set - the one with the little spirit burner and the test-tube holders and retort stand and clamps - but I quickly got bored with the experiments in the instruction manual.
There's only a certain number of times that you can dip litmus paper into vinegar and magnesium and enjoy watching the colours change; only a certain number of times that you can burn magnesium strips to make white light, only a certain number of times you can recover water from a copper sulphate solution.There's only a certain number of times that you can dip litmus paper into vinegar and magnesium and enjoy watching the colours change; only a certain number of times that you can burn magnesium strips to make white light, only a certain number of times you can recover water from a copper sulphate solution.
Dad, who was a chemist himself, had some sympathy with my frustration. One day, I remember, he came home from work with a small glass jar containing liquid and a silvery lump of matter which he told me was pure sodium. He warned me not to touch. Told me it was volatile. And showed me that if you spread a piece of filter paper across a beaker of water and put a bead of sodium on top then it would fizz around wildly and then burst into flames.Dad, who was a chemist himself, had some sympathy with my frustration. One day, I remember, he came home from work with a small glass jar containing liquid and a silvery lump of matter which he told me was pure sodium. He warned me not to touch. Told me it was volatile. And showed me that if you spread a piece of filter paper across a beaker of water and put a bead of sodium on top then it would fizz around wildly and then burst into flames.
Meccano - nuts, bolts and a little judicious bending of steelMeccano - nuts, bolts and a little judicious bending of steel
That was more like it. So much more like it that I showed it to all my friends. Got bolder and bolder with the amount of sodium I used. So bold that one day the mixture overflowed onto the bed and set fire to the counterpane. "Mummy, mummy, there's a fire in Laurence's room."That was more like it. So much more like it that I showed it to all my friends. Got bolder and bolder with the amount of sodium I used. So bold that one day the mixture overflowed onto the bed and set fire to the counterpane. "Mummy, mummy, there's a fire in Laurence's room."
My childhood frustration with toys did not begin with Meccano and Chemistry sets. My very worst act of vandalism was committed in infancy upon that most innocent and loveable of childhood possessions - a simple teddy bear.My childhood frustration with toys did not begin with Meccano and Chemistry sets. My very worst act of vandalism was committed in infancy upon that most innocent and loveable of childhood possessions - a simple teddy bear.
I've no reason to doubt that I initially I loved my Teddy in much the manner of any other three year old. I can remember stroking its matted yellow hair, gazing into its brown button eyes, and even trying to wrap its short chubby arms around my body as I went to sleep. I've no reason to doubt that I initially I loved my Teddy in much the manner of any other three-year-old. I can remember stroking its matted yellow hair, gazing into its brown button eyes, and even trying to wrap its short chubby arms around my body as I went to sleep.
But gradually Teddy became as boring as a jar of copper sulphate or a metal strip of Meccano. I wanted him to show more signs of life. "Mummy, Laurence is twisting Teddy's arms again."But gradually Teddy became as boring as a jar of copper sulphate or a metal strip of Meccano. I wanted him to show more signs of life. "Mummy, Laurence is twisting Teddy's arms again."
It was then I began my great experiment. After a meal I'd save some bits of bread or some dollops of Farex and then back in my room try to push this food into Teddy's mouth. After all if Teddy could, in my sister's view, be sad and unhappy, then it stood to reason that it must also feel hungry.It was then I began my great experiment. After a meal I'd save some bits of bread or some dollops of Farex and then back in my room try to push this food into Teddy's mouth. After all if Teddy could, in my sister's view, be sad and unhappy, then it stood to reason that it must also feel hungry.
Secret experimentSecret experiment
So when the food wouldn't pass through Teddy's stitched-up mouth, I used some scissors to make it open a little more. Day after day I stuffed more and more old food into his ever widening mouth. Very soon, it got so difficult to press in more food that I had to lay Teddy on the floor and press his latest meal into his mouth with my heels.So when the food wouldn't pass through Teddy's stitched-up mouth, I used some scissors to make it open a little more. Day after day I stuffed more and more old food into his ever widening mouth. Very soon, it got so difficult to press in more food that I had to lay Teddy on the floor and press his latest meal into his mouth with my heels.
A cuddlesome friendA cuddlesome friend
And, to some extent, my determination to make Teddy more human began to work. He really did start to get fat in the way that Mummy said happened to ordinary people who ate too much.And, to some extent, my determination to make Teddy more human began to work. He really did start to get fat in the way that Mummy said happened to ordinary people who ate too much.
All this time, of course, I had to keep my experiments with Teddy strictly secret. I could just imagine what my sister might make of it if she ever encountered my hugely enlarged little bear.All this time, of course, I had to keep my experiments with Teddy strictly secret. I could just imagine what my sister might make of it if she ever encountered my hugely enlarged little bear.
But secrecy became more difficult when Teddy began to smell. He stank so badly that I decided the only safe place to store him was on my window-sill. And that meant that my bear was now not only disturbingly obese but also wet and doggy from his exposure to wind and rain. When the smell became even more intense and there was no way in which more food could be rammed into its heaving torso, I took further drastic action. Teddy, I decided was suffering from not being able to use a pot or go to the lavatory. My fat little bear was constipated. But secrecy became more difficult when Teddy began to smell. He stank so badly that I decided the only safe place to store him was on my window-sill. And that meant that my bear was now not only disturbingly obese but also wet and soggy from his exposure to wind and rain. When the smell became even more intense and there was no way in which more food could be rammed into its heaving torso, I took further drastic action. Teddy, I decided was suffering from not being able to use a pot or go to the lavatory. My fat little bear was constipated.
So one night I took a pair of scissors to my room, and prodded them into my Teddy's backside and began to cut. But no sooner did I begin to snip than the entire fabric on bear's back split open and I found myself staring a the congealed mass of the twenty suppers which he'd so evidently failed to digest. So one night I took a pair of scissors to my room, and prodded them into my Teddy's backside and began to cut. But no sooner did I begin to snip than the entire fabric on bear's back split open and I found myself staring a the congealed mass of the 20 suppers which he'd so evidently failed to digest.
My scream of horror brought my sister running. "Mummy, mummy, Laurence has cut off Teddy's bottom." She had, it hardly needs saying, still not forgiven me. My scream of horror brought my sister running. "Mummy, Mummy, Laurence has cut off Teddy's bottom." She had, it hardly needs saying, still not forgiven me.
Add your comments on this story, using the form below. Below is a selection of your comments.
name="say"> Poor, poor Teddy!GeeBee, Lagos, Nigeria
The BBC may edit your comments and not all emails will be published. Your comments may be published on any BBC media worldwide. href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/terms/">Terms & Conditions You imagined Teddy was alive, surely that's the most important thing?Emily, Edinburgh
I can remember the exact time that I stopped believing my bears were real. I think that I was about nine, and I was playing shipwreck on my bed with them, throwing them on the floor and then rescuing them. I suddenly realised to myself that I didn't believe any more and to this day, remember the sadness that I felt. Now, I'm just waiting until the time comes when my eight-year-old no longer believes in Smokey the Dog - that will also be a sad day for me.Amanda Wilson, Suwanee, GA, US
When I was about 11 my Lego motor battery pack (3 × D-types, 4.5V dc) ran flat. Armed with a little knowledge of electricity, I wondered how it would perform with 240V available, so I wired the motor to the mains. POP - flash - everything went still & quiet. Then I reset the trip switch & opened the window before Mum got back and wondered what the smell was. It was another 15 years before I confessed...Ian Deaville, Solihull, UK
I still have my teddy bear, he'll be 55 at Christmas. He's looking a little the worse for wear, only one eye (the type not allowed any more, glass on a wire) and almost without fur. When I was about four, I reasoned that Mummy cuts my hair and it grows, maybe I should give teddy a trim. I did, and it still hasn't grown back.DL, Highlands
A new young chemistry teacher was showing how sodium reacted with water. The litmus paper failed to change colour, so he then used a bigger piece of sodium. Lots of fizzing with little spits of flame and BANG! - a large pneumatic trough split neatly into three pieces of two sides and a base. Five years later there was a similar BANG! and cheers echoing down the corridor - as another new young chemistry teacher did exactly the same.ChrisJK, UK
Oh dear. I fear my childhood efforts at environmentalism by composting in the family's indoor potted plants and discovering the magic of fruit flies shortly thereafter pale in comparison.Jude Kirkham, Vancouver Canada
I was given a teddy bear for my second birthday. I remember aged about five putting my Mum's lipstick on his mouth and my big brother telling tales. When I moved to Spain, five years ago, the box containing my beloved Teddy disappeared. I am still mourning the loss, even though I am now 60.Barbara Ridgley, Albatera, Spain
Is it really educational for a child to mutilate and "experiment on" an animal - even a stuffed toy? Surely teddy should be used to teach small children love, gentleness and care for others - with a mild reprimand when a child starts to get rough. Children grow out of the comfort object stage, but teddy can still play a part in pretend play and as a mascot and memento. K Watson