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| A very modern way to grieve the fallen | A very modern way to grieve the fallen |
| (20 minutes later) | |
| It's a grim milestone - more than 200 soldiers have died in Afghanistan. The personal stories behind each loss are barely heard, but trawl the internet and there are any number of memorials dedicated to the fallen. | It's a grim milestone - more than 200 soldiers have died in Afghanistan. The personal stories behind each loss are barely heard, but trawl the internet and there are any number of memorials dedicated to the fallen. |
| Remember Corporal Peter Thorpe? | Remember Corporal Peter Thorpe? |
| He was 27, from the Royal Signals, and was killed in July 2006 alongside Lance Corporal Jabron Hashmi, 24, whose name may be more familiar as he was the first British Muslim serviceman to be killed in action in Afghanistan. | He was 27, from the Royal Signals, and was killed in July 2006 alongside Lance Corporal Jabron Hashmi, 24, whose name may be more familiar as he was the first British Muslim serviceman to be killed in action in Afghanistan. |
| Corporal Peter Thorpe in Afghanistan | Corporal Peter Thorpe in Afghanistan |
| Google "Corporal Peter Thorpe" and his life is there to find, from a child in Cumbria to a soldier in Sangin. | Google "Corporal Peter Thorpe" and his life is there to find, from a child in Cumbria to a soldier in Sangin. |
| He is on YouTube, Facebook, Gone Too Soon and Lasting Tribute, to name but a few. | He is on YouTube, Facebook, Gone Too Soon and Lasting Tribute, to name but a few. |
| There are pictures of him surrounded by mates, arms around each other. In others, he is embracing his girlfriend. | There are pictures of him surrounded by mates, arms around each other. In others, he is embracing his girlfriend. |
| To complete his story, there are also photographs of his body returning home and the various memorials around the world which bear his name. | To complete his story, there are also photographs of his body returning home and the various memorials around the world which bear his name. |
| Shine a light | Shine a light |
| Many of the pictures have been uploaded by one of Peter's brothers to Gone Too Soon, a not-for-profit organisation which has more than 58,000 memorials. | Many of the pictures have been uploaded by one of Peter's brothers to Gone Too Soon, a not-for-profit organisation which has more than 58,000 memorials. |
| More than 500 virtual candles have been lit for him, the last added just last week - some two years after his death. | More than 500 virtual candles have been lit for him, the last added just last week - some two years after his death. |
| I wanted to make more people, including my friends, aware of the situation in Afghanistan Natalie Cargan | I wanted to make more people, including my friends, aware of the situation in Afghanistan Natalie Cargan |
| His family and friends return to the memorial time and time again to mark certain occasions, or just to write down their thoughts. | His family and friends return to the memorial time and time again to mark certain occasions, or just to write down their thoughts. |
| His sister, Natalie Cargan, also set up an online tribute to remember her big brother. | His sister, Natalie Cargan, also set up an online tribute to remember her big brother. |
| The 21-year-old from Barrow-in-Furness has created a group on social networking site Facebook - "For all those who fell in Iraq and Afghanistan and the injured" - six months after Peter died. | The 21-year-old from Barrow-in-Furness has created a group on social networking site Facebook - "For all those who fell in Iraq and Afghanistan and the injured" - six months after Peter died. |
| "I wanted to make more people, including my friends, aware of the situation in Afghanistan and the sacrifices being made." | "I wanted to make more people, including my friends, aware of the situation in Afghanistan and the sacrifices being made." |
| Pictures, video, messages and poems are posted on the site and people also use it to advertise fundraising events for charities such as Help for Heroes and Combat Stress. | Pictures, video, messages and poems are posted on the site and people also use it to advertise fundraising events for charities such as Help for Heroes and Combat Stress. |
| Although there are message boards on controversial topics such as the level of equipment for troops, she tries to keep politics out of it. | Although there are message boards on controversial topics such as the level of equipment for troops, she tries to keep politics out of it. |
| "I think it is right just to leave it as a place to remember soldiers. My brother loved the Army so much. I don't agree with some of things they are doing but I'm respecting him by respecting the Army." | "I think it is right just to leave it as a place to remember soldiers. My brother loved the Army so much. I don't agree with some of things they are doing but I'm respecting him by respecting the Army." |
| Online grief | Online grief |
| Relatives, friends, comrades and complete strangers use social media to honour the dead. | Relatives, friends, comrades and complete strangers use social media to honour the dead. |
| You cannot substitute computer grief for the real thing Phillip Hodson | You cannot substitute computer grief for the real thing Phillip Hodson |
| But is such a public outpouring of grief good for the soul? | But is such a public outpouring of grief good for the soul? |
| Phillip Hodson, a fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, says Britain is reverting back to Victorian times, when a great deal was made of death. | Phillip Hodson, a fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, says Britain is reverting back to Victorian times, when a great deal was made of death. |
| It was a "deathbed culture" during that era, where letters were sent to friends and relatives detailing a loved one's final moments and widows wore black for a year. | It was a "deathbed culture" during that era, where letters were sent to friends and relatives detailing a loved one's final moments and widows wore black for a year. |
| Today, advances in technology allow for "instant grief", he says. | Today, advances in technology allow for "instant grief", he says. |
| "Grief is inconvenient and it's not quick. It's not an event, it's a process. You cannot substitute computer grief for the real thing. | "Grief is inconvenient and it's not quick. It's not an event, it's a process. You cannot substitute computer grief for the real thing. |
| "Anything that helps you with your grief should be explored, but just be aware of the risks." | "Anything that helps you with your grief should be explored, but just be aware of the risks." |
| A mother's grief | A mother's grief |
| Sharon Backhouse, whose 18-year-old son, Rifleman James Backhouse, was killed in an explosion in Helmand on 10 July, acknowledges that online memorials are deferring her grief. But it is a case of "whatever gets you through". | Sharon Backhouse, whose 18-year-old son, Rifleman James Backhouse, was killed in an explosion in Helmand on 10 July, acknowledges that online memorials are deferring her grief. But it is a case of "whatever gets you through". |
| Death of one so young is now rare | |
| She says Facebook has been her saviour because it helps her focus on his life rather than his death. | She says Facebook has been her saviour because it helps her focus on his life rather than his death. |
| "There's a lot of pictures on there that we haven't seen. It's good to see pictures of him in Afghanistan. | "There's a lot of pictures on there that we haven't seen. It's good to see pictures of him in Afghanistan. |
| "He was posing for the pictures - it's good to see he was the life and soul out there. If I didn't have the pictures on there, I wouldn't be here today." | "He was posing for the pictures - it's good to see he was the life and soul out there. If I didn't have the pictures on there, I wouldn't be here today." |
| The 45-year-old from Castleford, West Yorkshire, says the memorials personalise her son for other people. And she has found comfort in talking to another mother whose son was killed the same day as James. | The 45-year-old from Castleford, West Yorkshire, says the memorials personalise her son for other people. And she has found comfort in talking to another mother whose son was killed the same day as James. |
| 'Used to death' | 'Used to death' |
| In wars of old, grieving relatives just got on with life, and support came from the entire community, says military historian Taff Gillingham. | In wars of old, grieving relatives just got on with life, and support came from the entire community, says military historian Taff Gillingham. |
| Facebook and other social media brings Afghanistan to a generation who don't have an understanding of the losses of war Sam Darroch | Facebook and other social media brings Afghanistan to a generation who don't have an understanding of the losses of war Sam Darroch |
| During World War I, WWII and the period of National Service, there were thousands and thousands of people in the same situation. | During World War I, WWII and the period of National Service, there were thousands and thousands of people in the same situation. |
| "War and death touched everyone. People didn't wear their hearts on their sleeve, not so much because of the British stiff upper lip, but because grief was commonplace. | "War and death touched everyone. People didn't wear their hearts on their sleeve, not so much because of the British stiff upper lip, but because grief was commonplace. |
| "At the time of WWI, British people were used to death - it was around them all the time. One in 10 babies died before they reached the age of one." | "At the time of WWI, British people were used to death - it was around them all the time. One in 10 babies died before they reached the age of one." |
| He said communities were "tighter" and the war was not happening in some far away place - it was being played out on their doorsteps. | He said communities were "tighter" and the war was not happening in some far away place - it was being played out on their doorsteps. |
| There was an "enormous network of people helping out", with formalised support taking off after WWI with the formation of the British Legion in 1921. | There was an "enormous network of people helping out", with formalised support taking off after WWI with the formation of the British Legion in 1921. |
| But as the armed forces shrunk in size, so did the network of support available to soldiers and relatives. | But as the armed forces shrunk in size, so did the network of support available to soldiers and relatives. |
| Lasting Tribute has a special section for fallen soldiers | Lasting Tribute has a special section for fallen soldiers |
| Sam Darroch says online memorials reach out to a generation unaccustomed to war. | Sam Darroch says online memorials reach out to a generation unaccustomed to war. |
| The 33-year-old surveyor from Kent looks after the Facebook memorial group Remembering The Fallen in Afghanistan for his soldier friend Nathan Fenn, who created it 10 months ago and is now on a six-month tour of Afghanistan. | The 33-year-old surveyor from Kent looks after the Facebook memorial group Remembering The Fallen in Afghanistan for his soldier friend Nathan Fenn, who created it 10 months ago and is now on a six-month tour of Afghanistan. |
| Mr Darroch says he initially agreed to monitor the site - which passed the 100,000-member mark five weeks ago - as a favour, thinking at first that it was a "rather macabre" task. | Mr Darroch says he initially agreed to monitor the site - which passed the 100,000-member mark five weeks ago - as a favour, thinking at first that it was a "rather macabre" task. |
| "Now I see it as something incredibly important. Facebook and other social media brings Afghanistan to a generation who don't have an understanding of the losses of war. | "Now I see it as something incredibly important. Facebook and other social media brings Afghanistan to a generation who don't have an understanding of the losses of war. |
| "I never thought of Facebook as a serious thing, but our site educates and enlightens - which can only be a good thing." | "I never thought of Facebook as a serious thing, but our site educates and enlightens - which can only be a good thing." |
| Add your comments on this story, using the form below. | Add your comments on this story, using the form below. |
| Having lost someone over 20 years ago in the Falklands War, I know how important it is to be able to communicate with people who have been in the same situation. If this way of communication had been available to me back then, I may well have been able to move on with my life earlier than I did. Every time someone is killed in Afghanistan, I can empathise with them. Grief is a very difficult thing to deal with but bitterness is destructive and looking forward is always the best way. This does not mean that your loved one is forgotten and you are not being disloyal by moving on.Sally Harrison, Haddington | Having lost someone over 20 years ago in the Falklands War, I know how important it is to be able to communicate with people who have been in the same situation. If this way of communication had been available to me back then, I may well have been able to move on with my life earlier than I did. Every time someone is killed in Afghanistan, I can empathise with them. Grief is a very difficult thing to deal with but bitterness is destructive and looking forward is always the best way. This does not mean that your loved one is forgotten and you are not being disloyal by moving on.Sally Harrison, Haddington |
| People aren't substituting computer grief for the real thing, it is people doing what they always do - grieve in a way meaningful to them, finding any means possible to reach out to each other. In days gone by, the regiments were family affairs, and people had the support and solidarity of that community. You went to school with your comrades, you married their sisters, your neighbour might be married to your sister or your cousin, your uncle or brother would be living down the road. The MOD's insistence in destroying this by moving people about and merging the regiments is just another nail in the coffin of support. The names of many of the fallen are names I know. Their pictures are on my computer, standing shoulder to shoulder with my son. They have spoken to me at passing out and medal parades. Those serving belong to all of us. Our tears belong to each other, however far apart we are, and whatever means we use to remind each other of this. Lol, Borders | People aren't substituting computer grief for the real thing, it is people doing what they always do - grieve in a way meaningful to them, finding any means possible to reach out to each other. In days gone by, the regiments were family affairs, and people had the support and solidarity of that community. You went to school with your comrades, you married their sisters, your neighbour might be married to your sister or your cousin, your uncle or brother would be living down the road. The MOD's insistence in destroying this by moving people about and merging the regiments is just another nail in the coffin of support. The names of many of the fallen are names I know. Their pictures are on my computer, standing shoulder to shoulder with my son. They have spoken to me at passing out and medal parades. Those serving belong to all of us. Our tears belong to each other, however far apart we are, and whatever means we use to remind each other of this. Lol, Borders |
| As someone who knew Pte Brian Tunnycliffe (1WFR) I found it useful to join the group in memory to him as it let me discover all the facets to his personality I was not privy to. As soldiers now increase their use of technology (in particular digital cameras and blogs) it seems fitting that the memorials should also be electronic. My only worry is the lack of permanence to them. (Although how many people take the time to read the traditional memorials?) James Langham, Mansfield, Notts | As someone who knew Pte Brian Tunnycliffe (1WFR) I found it useful to join the group in memory to him as it let me discover all the facets to his personality I was not privy to. As soldiers now increase their use of technology (in particular digital cameras and blogs) it seems fitting that the memorials should also be electronic. My only worry is the lack of permanence to them. (Although how many people take the time to read the traditional memorials?) James Langham, Mansfield, Notts |
| When someone dies young, no one seems to want to talk about them. It leaves a big gap for other young family members. It's also comforting to know what their peers thought of them, and what they got up to. Anything that helps the grieving process is good.Viv Brooks, Winchester, UK | When someone dies young, no one seems to want to talk about them. It leaves a big gap for other young family members. It's also comforting to know what their peers thought of them, and what they got up to. Anything that helps the grieving process is good.Viv Brooks, Winchester, UK |
| It shows the serving lads and lasses the public are behind them. It is sad to see, however, that there are several groups on Facebook that delight in the deaths of our soldiers.Ray Hewitt, Bracknell, England | It shows the serving lads and lasses the public are behind them. It is sad to see, however, that there are several groups on Facebook that delight in the deaths of our soldiers.Ray Hewitt, Bracknell, England |
| We should all grieve every time a soldier loses his life in a foreign land whether we agree with what he was fighting for or not. These groups on Facebook serve to remind us all of the suffering of those involved and the futility of war. It also serves to keep the issues in the forefront of our minds in a country which has in the past been all to quick to forget the sacrifices made by her Armed Forces.Richard Brennan, Anglesey | We should all grieve every time a soldier loses his life in a foreign land whether we agree with what he was fighting for or not. These groups on Facebook serve to remind us all of the suffering of those involved and the futility of war. It also serves to keep the issues in the forefront of our minds in a country which has in the past been all to quick to forget the sacrifices made by her Armed Forces.Richard Brennan, Anglesey |
| I have recently found Facebook and other online communities to be very helpful in the grieving process. Whilst my loss is quite different (my boyfriend committed suicide a few weeks ago) it is helpful to hear from so many of his friends, and people that I'd never met, how important he was to so many people. You hear stories you'd never heard before, see pictures you'd never seen, and this helps to cement the happy memories in my mind. It's certainly not an "instant grief" as the pain continues long after the computer is switched off, but it does help to remind you that so many people really do care and are there for you. Rebecca Morgan, Sheffield, UK | I have recently found Facebook and other online communities to be very helpful in the grieving process. Whilst my loss is quite different (my boyfriend committed suicide a few weeks ago) it is helpful to hear from so many of his friends, and people that I'd never met, how important he was to so many people. You hear stories you'd never heard before, see pictures you'd never seen, and this helps to cement the happy memories in my mind. It's certainly not an "instant grief" as the pain continues long after the computer is switched off, but it does help to remind you that so many people really do care and are there for you. Rebecca Morgan, Sheffield, UK |
| The BBC may edit your comments and not all emails will be published. Your comments may be published on any BBC media worldwide. Terms & Conditions | The BBC may edit your comments and not all emails will be published. Your comments may be published on any BBC media worldwide. Terms & Conditions |