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| Version 0 | Version 1 |
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| Waiting for God | Waiting for God |
| (10 minutes later) | |
| Watching out for a divine sign calling me to the priesthood was a stressful part of childhood, recalls Laurie Taylor in his weekly column. | |
| "Have you prayed again for a vocation?" | "Have you prayed again for a vocation?" |
| Facing the priest for confession was nerve-wracking | Facing the priest for confession was nerve-wracking |
| "Yes, father." | "Yes, father." |
| "And again nothing happened?" | "And again nothing happened?" |
| "No, father." | "No, father." |
| "Nothing at all?" | "Nothing at all?" |
| "Nothing at all, father." | "Nothing at all, father." |
| I always left the confessional box at my Catholic boarding school with a deep sense of failure. | I always left the confessional box at my Catholic boarding school with a deep sense of failure. |
| It was bad enough knowing that I'd have to miss playtime in order to spend at least half an hour on my knees reciting the long list of Our Fathers and Hail Marys which the priest had handed out as a penance for my modest collection of sins but what made matters worse was that I'd once again had to confess that I was a failure on the vocation front. | It was bad enough knowing that I'd have to miss playtime in order to spend at least half an hour on my knees reciting the long list of Our Fathers and Hail Marys which the priest had handed out as a penance for my modest collection of sins but what made matters worse was that I'd once again had to confess that I was a failure on the vocation front. |
| For even though I'd lain in bed every night in the dormitory praying for Jesus to enter my soul and announce that I had a vocation for the priesthood, he just never seemed to come knocking. | For even though I'd lain in bed every night in the dormitory praying for Jesus to enter my soul and announce that I had a vocation for the priesthood, he just never seemed to come knocking. |
| FIND OUT MORE Hear Laurie Taylor's Thinking Allowed on Radio 4 at 1600 on Wednesdays or 0015 on MondaysOr listen to it here on the iPlayer | FIND OUT MORE Hear Laurie Taylor's Thinking Allowed on Radio 4 at 1600 on Wednesdays or 0015 on MondaysOr listen to it here on the iPlayer |
| My friend, Wright, who'd already had his vocation, told me that I shouldn't worry too much. After all I was only 12 years old and Wright had heard of people as old as 18 who'd had vocations. | My friend, Wright, who'd already had his vocation, told me that I shouldn't worry too much. After all I was only 12 years old and Wright had heard of people as old as 18 who'd had vocations. |
| But deep down I suspected that the reason why Jesus kept his distance was that he could sense a certain lack of concentration in my praying. For no sooner did I steeple my fingers and go down on my knees than my mind raced away to matters which had little to do with goodness, reverence or piety. | But deep down I suspected that the reason why Jesus kept his distance was that he could sense a certain lack of concentration in my praying. For no sooner did I steeple my fingers and go down on my knees than my mind raced away to matters which had little to do with goodness, reverence or piety. |
| Much of my praying, for example, took place in the back row of the church where there was a large mosaic of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. But instead of inspiring thoughts of divine creation this merely prompted what the catechism called "indecent thoughts". | Much of my praying, for example, took place in the back row of the church where there was a large mosaic of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. But instead of inspiring thoughts of divine creation this merely prompted what the catechism called "indecent thoughts". |
| Boswell rescue | Boswell rescue |
| What, I wondered, as I stared at Eve, lay behind that large green mosaic fig leaf. Suppose I were to unpick the mosaic piece by piece I might then discover that secret flat white woman's place which Riley had once pointed out to me in one of those airbrushed pictures in Health and Efficiency? | What, I wondered, as I stared at Eve, lay behind that large green mosaic fig leaf. Suppose I were to unpick the mosaic piece by piece I might then discover that secret flat white woman's place which Riley had once pointed out to me in one of those airbrushed pictures in Health and Efficiency? |
| "Dear Jesus. Please call me to the priesthood as soon as possible." | "Dear Jesus. Please call me to the priesthood as soon as possible." |
| Adam and Eve conceal their nakedness | Adam and Eve conceal their nakedness |
| My failure to solicit a vocation - "You'll know when you have one", Father Isley once told me, "there's this sudden blinding flash" - meant that there was no good reason to remain at a school which chiefly prided itself on producing priests. | My failure to solicit a vocation - "You'll know when you have one", Father Isley once told me, "there's this sudden blinding flash" - meant that there was no good reason to remain at a school which chiefly prided itself on producing priests. |
| But praying never became any easier. As soon as I assumed a prayerful attitude in church my mind immediately raced away to matters of the flesh. | But praying never became any easier. As soon as I assumed a prayerful attitude in church my mind immediately raced away to matters of the flesh. |
| It was only when I reached the sixth form and read some of Boswell's diary for the first time that I realised I was not in the grip of a purely personal pathology. There on the page were my words of liberation. | It was only when I reached the sixth form and read some of Boswell's diary for the first time that I realised I was not in the grip of a purely personal pathology. There on the page were my words of liberation. |
| "What a curious inconsistent thing is the mind of man", wrote Dr Johnson's wonderfully self-revealing biographer. "In the midst of divine service I was laying plans for having women and yet I had the most sincere feelings of religion." | "What a curious inconsistent thing is the mind of man", wrote Dr Johnson's wonderfully self-revealing biographer. "In the midst of divine service I was laying plans for having women and yet I had the most sincere feelings of religion." |
| It made me feel a great deal easier, so did the trip back to my old boarding school which I made at about the same time. My first port of call, of course, was the pew near the Garden of Eden mosaic where I'd prayed so often and unsuccessfully for my vocation. | It made me feel a great deal easier, so did the trip back to my old boarding school which I made at about the same time. My first port of call, of course, was the pew near the Garden of Eden mosaic where I'd prayed so often and unsuccessfully for my vocation. |
| I knelt down and let my eyes wander to Eve's fig leaf. It was no longer there. Over the years since I'd left naughty wandering fingers had slowly unpicked it piece by piece so that what was now revealed as Eve's secret was no more than a flat irregular area of white studded mortar. | I knelt down and let my eyes wander to Eve's fig leaf. It was no longer there. Over the years since I'd left naughty wandering fingers had slowly unpicked it piece by piece so that what was now revealed as Eve's secret was no more than a flat irregular area of white studded mortar. |
| Health and Efficiency readers would have recognised it immediately. | Health and Efficiency readers would have recognised it immediately. |
| Add your comments on this story, using the form below. | Add your comments on this story, using the form below. |
| The BBC may edit your comments and not all emails will be published. Your comments may be published on any BBC media worldwide. Terms & Conditions | The BBC may edit your comments and not all emails will be published. Your comments may be published on any BBC media worldwide. Terms & Conditions |