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| The British Science Festival | The British Science Festival |
| (1 day later) | |
| The 2009 British Science Festival is taking place in Guildford and our Gossip Girl Sue Nelson will be sending us the latest scientific titbits in her daily reporter's log. You can also catch Sue each evening at the festival as she reviews all the goings on in the X-Change, a regular and very popular feature. | |
| TUESDAY 8 SEPTEMBER - SCIENCE FICTION | |
| 1600: Robert Winston has confirmed for Thursday's X-Change. Like all our guests, the only reward is a pint or two and not, as one potential guest suggested, a £6,000 appearance fee. | |
| Nope, the man with the moustache will be chatting for free like everyone else. I can also confirm that Winston, together with physicist Jim Al-Khalili, had been prepared to pose naked for the love of science, too. | |
| Artist Anne Brodie is currently collaborating with microbiologist Dr Simon Park on a project called "Exploring the Invisible". Brodie takes photographs using light from bioluminescent bacteria. | |
| Mathematician Marcus du Sautoy and Lord Krebbs have, I'm reliably informed, already got their kit off. My British Science Association source then managed to persuade both Winston and Al-Khalili to go nude under a bacterial glow. | |
| Unfortunately, when they arrived at the venue, the artist had left - causing Winston to shrug his shoulders and sniff: "Their loss." | |
| 1000: Never, in my three years hosting the X-Change, has there been so much sustained laughter. Loud, shocked, gleeful laughter. | |
| Mouths wide open in an "I can't believe he just said that" kind of laughter. In other words, our opening night was very, very rude - as you'll see from the ripe language below. | |
| Guests included Dr Nikki Gammans from the Bumblebee Conservation Trust, Kerry Kirwan on how chocolate and carrots contributed to his eco-friendly Formula 3 car, and nuclear physicist Paddy Regan. | |
| An expert on exotic nuclei - such as the material used to kill Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko - Regan is now perhaps better known by the nickname "Professor Polonium". | |
| Four science students - who explained their poster subjects in two minutes before being rudely interrupted by my whistle - also took part. | |
| All extremely entertaining. | |
| But it was Scottish crime writer Stuart MacBride who brought the house (bar) down - aided, and admirably abetted, by a member of the audience who happened to be a gastroenterologist. | |
| MacBride is giving two talks at the festival with forensic scientists called "Murder, Mystery and Microscopes". But last night, when I asked how he worked with scientists to write fiction, he replied mischievously: "I just make shit up." | |
| MacBride then recalled - with appropriate hand gestures - how an inmate of Her Majesty's Prison Service objected to one of his novels where a character smuggles crack cocaine "up his man passage". | |
| The prisoner was indignant. He'd done a survey on B wing and everyone agreed: there was no way anyone could smuggle the amount of cocaine stated in the book. | |
| MacBride consulted a scientist. He had got the amount wrong - by a factor of 10. Cue gastroenterologist, who prompted a detailed discussion on the correct rectal capacity, its properties and the tests they had to do as students on themselves. | |
| It must be fun being a crime writer. But even more fun to be a gastroenterologist. | |
| MONDAY 7 SEPTEMBER - ACCESS ALL AREAS | |
| The advantage of a science festival equivalent of a backstage pass is that you can pop in and out of sessions. | |
| In "Gardening for wildlife" I learnt about the Bugs project (Biodiversity of Urban Gardens in Sheffield) and that "growing Busy Lizzies and petunias should be a crime". | In "Gardening for wildlife" I learnt about the Bugs project (Biodiversity of Urban Gardens in Sheffield) and that "growing Busy Lizzies and petunias should be a crime". |
| After missing the start, I can only assume that the crime was related to a later statement that - when it comes to plants attracting wildlife (and like many other things in life) - bigger is undoubtedly better. | After missing the start, I can only assume that the crime was related to a later statement that - when it comes to plants attracting wildlife (and like many other things in life) - bigger is undoubtedly better. |
| In the lecture theatre next door, "What computers tell us about the mind" reminded the audience that no-one has yet claimed the $100,000 Loebner Prize for artificial intelligence. | In the lecture theatre next door, "What computers tell us about the mind" reminded the audience that no-one has yet claimed the $100,000 Loebner Prize for artificial intelligence. |
| The prize is for the first computer that passes the Turing Test. If this happens, its responses will be indistinguishable from a human's and the computer will be said to be thinking. | The prize is for the first computer that passes the Turing Test. If this happens, its responses will be indistinguishable from a human's and the computer will be said to be thinking. |
| The test is named after the founder of modern computing, British mathematician Alan Turing, brought up in Guildford. Turing's statue can be seen striding across a concrete concourse at the University of Surrey. | |
| Usually at some stage of the year - no doubt after exams - the statue occasionally sports a traffic cone. Or, so I'm reliably informed, two strategically placed coconuts and a grass skirt. | Usually at some stage of the year - no doubt after exams - the statue occasionally sports a traffic cone. Or, so I'm reliably informed, two strategically placed coconuts and a grass skirt. |
| At some point during the festival, Turing may also be wearing a pink X-Change T-shirt but this will have nothing to do with me. Honest. | |
| SUNDAY 6 SEPTEMBER - ...BY NUMBERS | |
| The X-Change team is star-struck. After getting lost during our campus familiarisation tour, we found ourselves midway between Robert Winston's moustache and the equally hirsute Dick and James Strawbridge, from BBC Two's It's Not Easy Being Green. | |
| One of the volunteers squealed with delight: "I can't believe I'm seeing so much celebrity facial hair!" | One of the volunteers squealed with delight: "I can't believe I'm seeing so much celebrity facial hair!" |
| Unfortunately "Going Green with the Strawbridges" clashed with my chosen session - why do journalists love stupid equations? | |
| Writer Simon Singh delivered an entertaining and passionate plea for the media to respect mathematics instead of reporting stories that make mathematicians look trivial or bonkers. | Writer Simon Singh delivered an entertaining and passionate plea for the media to respect mathematics instead of reporting stories that make mathematicians look trivial or bonkers. |
| Singh's evidence was convincing. He began by offering an equation which proved, from first principles, that the Teletubbies were evil. | Singh's evidence was convincing. He began by offering an equation which proved, from first principles, that the Teletubbies were evil. |
| This was followed by a list of formulae which attracted widespread press interest, including equations for the perfect bra, joke, rugby kick, biscuit and penalty. | This was followed by a list of formulae which attracted widespread press interest, including equations for the perfect bra, joke, rugby kick, biscuit and penalty. |
| More often than not, these equations were commissioned by PR companies purely to promote a certain product. | More often than not, these equations were commissioned by PR companies purely to promote a certain product. |
| And so, in honour of the British Science Festival, I have devised an equation for the perfect science communicator, SC. | And so, in honour of the British Science Festival, I have devised an equation for the perfect science communicator, SC. |
| It is: | It is: |
| H = the number of hand gestures | H = the number of hand gestures |
| J = the brightness of a jacket | J = the brightness of a jacket |
| A = the number of times someone says "amazing" | A = the number of times someone says "amazing" |
| F = the amount of facial hair | F = the amount of facial hair |
| SATURDAY 5 SEPTEMBER - FROM THE ASHES... | |
| After Liverpool in 2008, Guildford is the host city for this year's British Science Festival - the artist formerly known as the British Association for the Advancement of Science Festival - or BA for short. | After Liverpool in 2008, Guildford is the host city for this year's British Science Festival - the artist formerly known as the British Association for the Advancement of Science Festival - or BA for short. |
| Being known as BA caused understandably confusion, so the festival's organisers have also rebranded themselves as the British Science Association. Not least because no-one enjoys receiving calls demanding: "I'm in Terminal 5. Where's my bag?" | |
| Different city. Different name. But the aim is the same: bringing science to the masses and a chance to admire Robert Winston's moustache in person. | Different city. Different name. But the aim is the same: bringing science to the masses and a chance to admire Robert Winston's moustache in person. |
| In honour of the festival, I've relaunched my Planet Earth podcast and researched some of Guildford's celebrity burials. Such as mathematician and Alice in Wonderland author, Lewis Carroll; Brave New World author Aldous Huxley and - er - Harry Secombe. | |
| Aldous's grandfather, the polymath Thomas Huxley, once spoke at the science festival in 1860. He was also labelled "Darwin's bulldog" for defending Charles Darwin's theory of evolution by natural selection. | |
| As part of the X-Change team, I too will apply bulldog-style determination, searching for the "best of the fest" (for our evening event) and the best gossip (for this page). | As part of the X-Change team, I too will apply bulldog-style determination, searching for the "best of the fest" (for our evening event) and the best gossip (for this page). |
| X-Change volunteers include graduates in neuroscience, astrophysics and mathematics. In return, they get to experience science communication in action and wear a bright pink T-shirt. | X-Change volunteers include graduates in neuroscience, astrophysics and mathematics. In return, they get to experience science communication in action and wear a bright pink T-shirt. |
| Their first lesson in the media is complete: draw attention to yourself and prepare to be humiliated. | Their first lesson in the media is complete: draw attention to yourself and prepare to be humiliated. |
| Sue Nelson hosts the X-Change at the Chancellors Bar, University of Surrey, at the British Science Festival Mon-Thu 7-10 September, 1800-1930 BST. | Sue Nelson hosts the X-Change at the Chancellors Bar, University of Surrey, at the British Science Festival Mon-Thu 7-10 September, 1800-1930 BST. |