If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say, Don’t Be a Reference

https://www.nytimes.com/2023/07/02/business/roxane-gay-work-friend-advice.html

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It’s often awkward to say no to people when they make a request you cannot fulfill, but sometimes it must be done. If you cannot, in good faith, offer a positive recommendation for your former colleague, you must decline. A lukewarm or negative recommendation is more harmful than none at all.

You can make up an excuse if the truth is too uncomfortable to share, but I don’t recommend vouching for people you don’t believe merit your endorsement. Your integrity has value and you don’t want to endorse someone who will go into another workplace and make it seem like you made false representations when they aren’t the amazing colleague you recommended.

One thing I know for certain is that you, alone, are not standing between your former colleague and employment. This could, potentially, come back to haunt you, but if your colleague is as lacking as you suggest, the possibility seems slim.

If I can say something positive, I always err on the side of offering an endorsement when asked, but we don’t owe people recommendations. Embrace the awkwardness and just say no. You will be OK.

Employers can ask for your date of birth, but they can only use that information for legal reasons; they generally do so to conduct background checks and the like. It is also legal to ask about high school graduation dates. Unfortunately, these pieces of information can reveal your age to an employer. Age discrimination is illegal, thanks to the federal Age Discrimination in Employment Act of 1967, but what the law says does not necessarily translate to the realities of the workplace.

You bring a wealth of wisdom and experience to any potential employer, and I wish it were easier for older people to find work. In your late 70s and 80s, the job search is incredibly challenging. Employers might overlook your application because they worry you’ll retire soon or aren’t capable of doing the job at the level they need.

Unfortunately, the onus is on you to make the case for your suitability as you search for a new position. All the common wisdom on addressing ageism in job searches requires job seekers to be strategic with your résumé, advocate for yourself during interviews and stay current on the latest developments in your field.

Little of that common wisdom encourages employers to embrace multigenerational workplaces. It’s unfair and I wish you had more recourse. I hope you find a great new employer that embraces all you bring to an organization.

It is astonishing how many people deal with petty torments in the workplace. I shouldn’t be surprised given that I work in academia, a bastion of pettiness, but still … This is a strange, unfortunate situation. You don’t say what the nature of the information they pried out of you is or if anything precipitated such a dramatic shift in behavior from a friendly colleague, so it’s hard to know what’s going on here.

Waiting it out for two to three years is probably the most realistic and frictionless way forward, but that’s a long time to feel isolated in your workplace. Why are your other colleagues going along with this? I have more questions than answers, but you should stand up for yourself! Point out that your colleague is scheduling events when you made it clear you aren’t available. Create your own plans with colleagues. Meet absurd with absurd if you have to.

This is certainly some kind of theft, however unintentional. A few hundred dollars matter to most people, particularly when that money accrues interest over time. Unless they chase that payment, your former colleagues will never see that money, which I’m sure the organization knows.

Those of you still working there should continue to press the issue. You are owed the money and if the situation was reversed and you owed the organization, you can best believe management would do everything in its power to collect.

You have to calibrate how upset you get about this and how much you escalate the issue, with how much you care. This probably isn’t something that requires a scorched earth approach, but you can ask HR for specifics on how the company is working on it and a timeline for resolution. Stay on this until you get the money you are owed.

Write to Roxane Gay at workfriend@nytimes.com.