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| With friends like these | With friends like these |
| (1 day later) | |
| Friends may not always conform to the traditional idea of what a mate should be, but that isn't such a bad thing, says Laurie Taylor in his weekly column. | Friends may not always conform to the traditional idea of what a mate should be, but that isn't such a bad thing, says Laurie Taylor in his weekly column. |
| Friend or foe? | Friend or foe? |
| "Dave's not going to be there, is he?" | "Dave's not going to be there, is he?" |
| "I expect so. And what's the matter with Dave? Last time you met him you said afterwards that you could see his positive points." | "I expect so. And what's the matter with Dave? Last time you met him you said afterwards that you could see his positive points." |
| "I said nothing of the sort. I said that anyone with so many bad features simply had to possess one good quality. I didn't say I could detect it." | "I said nothing of the sort. I said that anyone with so many bad features simply had to possess one good quality. I didn't say I could detect it." |
| It was the cumulative effect of dozens of similar conversations with my partner which eventually led to my resolution. Four years ago I decided it was time to find a completely new set of friends. | It was the cumulative effect of dozens of similar conversations with my partner which eventually led to my resolution. Four years ago I decided it was time to find a completely new set of friends. |
| It wasn't as though I'd ever chosen my present set. Dave and Mike and Terry and "Message" had somehow become attached to me over the years, like hedgerow burrs or athlete's foot. | It wasn't as though I'd ever chosen my present set. Dave and Mike and Terry and "Message" had somehow become attached to me over the years, like hedgerow burrs or athlete's foot. |
| Not one of them conformed to the traditional idea of a friend. Not one of them ever sent me a birthday card or even noticed that I'd aged another year. Not one of them visited me when I was struck down for nearly a month with a nasty bout of sinusitis. And not one of them expressed even mild interest or surprise when I finally emerged from my sick bed. For all they were concerned I might never have been away. | Not one of them conformed to the traditional idea of a friend. Not one of them ever sent me a birthday card or even noticed that I'd aged another year. Not one of them visited me when I was struck down for nearly a month with a nasty bout of sinusitis. And not one of them expressed even mild interest or surprise when I finally emerged from my sick bed. For all they were concerned I might never have been away. |
| No interest | No interest |
| They also had disturbing personal habits. Dave used to sing "That's Amore" over and over again in a very poor impersonation of Dean Martin whenever he'd drunk more than four pints, while Mike was notorious for picking fights with Arsenal supporters (he had no team of his own, he had simply taken against Arsenal and all its works). | They also had disturbing personal habits. Dave used to sing "That's Amore" over and over again in a very poor impersonation of Dean Martin whenever he'd drunk more than four pints, while Mike was notorious for picking fights with Arsenal supporters (he had no team of his own, he had simply taken against Arsenal and all its works). |
| Terry was at least refreshingly mild-mannered compared to the rest of the pack, but he was also terminally boring on the subject of Noam Chomsky. He'd decided that Chomsky was the saviour of the universe and therefore managed to slot him into any conversation with a vaguely political content. "That Tony Blair. You know what Chomsky said about the military industrial complex." And off he'd go for hours. | Terry was at least refreshingly mild-mannered compared to the rest of the pack, but he was also terminally boring on the subject of Noam Chomsky. He'd decided that Chomsky was the saviour of the universe and therefore managed to slot him into any conversation with a vaguely political content. "That Tony Blair. You know what Chomsky said about the military industrial complex." And off he'd go for hours. |
| It was the most boring evening I've ever had in my entire life | It was the most boring evening I've ever had in my entire life |
| "Message" was nicknamed in honour of his distinctive characteristic. He almost never arrived anywhere on time and consequently was forced to leave messages explaining his absence from clubs, pubs, theatres, launch parties, football stadia and summer barbecues. "There's a message for you sir, from a Mr Message" became a familiar nocturnal refrain. | "Message" was nicknamed in honour of his distinctive characteristic. He almost never arrived anywhere on time and consequently was forced to leave messages explaining his absence from clubs, pubs, theatres, launch parties, football stadia and summer barbecues. "There's a message for you sir, from a Mr Message" became a familiar nocturnal refrain. |
| It hardly needs to be said that none of my friends ever showed the slightest shred of interest in my career. In the days after Channel 4 had shown a one-hour documentary in which I'd played a significant part, I found it almost impossible to walk my usual route to work without being recognised by passers-by. | It hardly needs to be said that none of my friends ever showed the slightest shred of interest in my career. In the days after Channel 4 had shown a one-hour documentary in which I'd played a significant part, I found it almost impossible to walk my usual route to work without being recognised by passers-by. |
| My newsagent and the man in the dry cleaners went out of their way to mention my appearance. But somehow neither Dave nor Mike nor Terry nor Message had even glimpsed me on the screen. All of them (except for Message who'd been detained elsewhere) greeted me that night in their usual churlish manner. | My newsagent and the man in the dry cleaners went out of their way to mention my appearance. But somehow neither Dave nor Mike nor Terry nor Message had even glimpsed me on the screen. All of them (except for Message who'd been detained elsewhere) greeted me that night in their usual churlish manner. |
| Reciprocal | Reciprocal |
| After I'd made my resolution I quite self-consciously went out of my way to select a better class of friend. His name was Robert and I'd come across him in a club, where he'd complimented me on my suit and mentioned how much he'd enjoyed one of my recent radio programmes. | After I'd made my resolution I quite self-consciously went out of my way to select a better class of friend. His name was Robert and I'd come across him in a club, where he'd complimented me on my suit and mentioned how much he'd enjoyed one of my recent radio programmes. |
| He not only turned up bang on time for our first get together, but also brought along a novel by Philip Roth which he'd thought I might like. It was a wonderfully reciprocal evening. I asked about his partner and his work. He asked me about my partner and my work. | He not only turned up bang on time for our first get together, but also brought along a novel by Philip Roth which he'd thought I might like. It was a wonderfully reciprocal evening. I asked about his partner and his work. He asked me about my partner and my work. |
| We discovered we had many heroes in common - Saul Bellow, Eddie Izzard, Miles Davis - and found there was not much more than a bus ticket between our political beliefs. At the end of the evening he insisted that I should take the first taxi that stopped for us on Shaftesbury Avenue. | We discovered we had many heroes in common - Saul Bellow, Eddie Izzard, Miles Davis - and found there was not much more than a bus ticket between our political beliefs. At the end of the evening he insisted that I should take the first taxi that stopped for us on Shaftesbury Avenue. |
| FIND OUT MORE Hear Laurie Taylor's Thinking Allowed on Radio 4 at 1600 on Wednesdays or 0015 on MondaysOr listen to it here on the iPlayer | FIND OUT MORE Hear Laurie Taylor's Thinking Allowed on Radio 4 at 1600 on Wednesdays or 0015 on MondaysOr listen to it here on the iPlayer |
| When I got home my partner was naturally eager to know how Robert and I had got along. She must have had a picture in mind of a wonderful dinner party at which no-one sang "That's Amore", no-one slagged off Arsenal, no-one started a soliloquy on Chomsky and there were no messages of apology. | When I got home my partner was naturally eager to know how Robert and I had got along. She must have had a picture in mind of a wonderful dinner party at which no-one sang "That's Amore", no-one slagged off Arsenal, no-one started a soliloquy on Chomsky and there were no messages of apology. |
| I took my time. Anyone who's made a resolution doesn't like to see it fall at the first hurdle. But there was no way out. | I took my time. Anyone who's made a resolution doesn't like to see it fall at the first hurdle. But there was no way out. |
| "Well," I said. "I now know all about him. And he now knows all about me. And I now know that he agrees with almost everything I say. And he knows that about me. We have roughly the same taste in books, music, politics, food and holiday resorts. We are - there's no other word for it - empathic." | "Well," I said. "I now know all about him. And he now knows all about me. And I now know that he agrees with almost everything I say. And he knows that about me. We have roughly the same taste in books, music, politics, food and holiday resorts. We are - there's no other word for it - empathic." |
| "Yes," said my partner. "Go on." "And," I said. "It was the most boring evening I've ever had in my entire life. I've always thought how marvellous it would be to have friends who asked me about myself. But now when I hear what I have to say I know why I always chose the present crowd." | "Yes," said my partner. "Go on." "And," I said. "It was the most boring evening I've ever had in my entire life. I've always thought how marvellous it would be to have friends who asked me about myself. But now when I hear what I have to say I know why I always chose the present crowd." |
| "So it's back to Dave and Mike and Terry and Message," she said despairingly. '''Fraid so." I put my feet up on the coffee table in a sort of "take-me-as-I-am gesture". "Any messages?" I said with calculated casualness. | "So it's back to Dave and Mike and Terry and Message," she said despairingly. '''Fraid so." I put my feet up on the coffee table in a sort of "take-me-as-I-am gesture". "Any messages?" I said with calculated casualness. |
| "Not really. Oh yes, Message rang." "What did he want?" "Says he's sorry but he can't make it." "Make what?" "He didn't say." | "Not really. Oh yes, Message rang." "What did he want?" "Says he's sorry but he can't make it." "Make what?" "He didn't say." |
| A selection of your comments appears below. | |
| Always thought "friend" was the word for someone you've never actually met who clicked on you on a website somewhere and now keeps sending you semi-literate emails of dribbling banality. Not sure what the current word is for someone you like and will go out of your way to spend time with.Liz, Solihull | |
| Imperfections are a funny thing, I'm sure there was a time when "Message" disliked arriving tardy. As we get older we accept these imperfections and subsequently they become virtues. I'm sure your motley crew consider their varied traits as valued virtues, after all, they are consistent. Considering you and Robert are so alike, there's a good chance Robert also had a very boring evening. I wouldn't strike him off just yet, he's a handy number for double dates or theatre and the like. Jonathan, Ireland | |
| If they haven't got nicknames they probably aren't your mates.Rick, Knutsford, Cheshire | |
| When I stopped drinking I thought I would miss all my mates down the pub - but I didn't really. Once I moved out of that world I ceased worrying about what was going on and feeling I had missed something. Drinking pals are not really friends at all, simply fellow addicts. Andy, Rexford, UK | |
| An excellent point! The truth is, when it comes to friendship (or even romantic relationships for that matter) the same-interests approach is pretty much meaningless. It can't make up for a lack of chemistry between mates. What creates this chemistry and tension are, precisely, our differences as human beings. They enrich us as well as everyone around.Fernando Levy, Monterrey, Mexico | |
| Back in the UK I had as diverse a bunch of friends as possible. It was never planned, it just grew that way over the years. To me, my friends are someone who you can always find a common thread with but at the same time challenges me to see things in new ways. I'd hate to have a drink down the pub with someone who agrees with everything I believe....can't think of a more boring evening. In terrible French I say...Vive La Difference!Mat, Toronto, Canada |
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