Motherless daughters group unites grieving women

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cly0p7w4lmzo

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Women from the group regularly meet to discuss their mothers

A woman who set up a social support group for motherless daughters after her own mother died said it had helped many other women feel less alone.

Carmella De Lucia, from Chester in Cheshire, created the UK Motherless Daughters Facebook group after struggling to find support for people who have experienced the loss of their mother.

Her mother, Bridie De Lucia, died from a brain tumour in July 2004 when Carmella was just 17-years-old.

Since the group's creation in 2014, it has attracted more than 3,000 members who have described it as a "lifeline" as they unite in their grief.

"It has become a real sense of comfort to a lot of people because just knowing they are not alone, they can pop a message in and say they are struggling and ten people will reply," she said.

Carmella wanted to create more support for motherless daughters in the UK

Carmella's story

Now 37 with two daughters and another on the way, Carmella said she never expected the group to be as big as it was and said it helped not only the bereaved but those who had never had a mother figure.

"It is a unique bond, you only get one mother... and when that bond breaks you don't know what to do because there is nobody else," she added.

Carmella described her mother as the "best mum" who was "beautiful, funny and very kind".

Bridie De Lucia was diagnosed with a progressive brain tumour in 2004, just before her 50th birthday and on the day of Carmella's 17th birthday.

Carmella with her mum Bridie

"It was the worst type of brain tumour that she could have had really and there was just nothing they could do, so it was all very quick," Carmella said.

She died just a month later on 20 July while Carmella was studying for her AS levels.

"I never thought she was going to die, I thought she was going to get treatment, and get better."

Carmella said she felt "very alone" with being an only child and her dad grieving.

She said: "I remember the day after she died and I was lying in bed thinking, 'I don't want to get out of bed this morning because this is the rest of my life now'. I did but it was a scary prospect for me."

At the time, Carmella said there was no social media to turn to for advice and had only a book called Motherless Daughters by American author Hope Edelman to help her.

Ten years later she wrote a column for her local paper telling her story which had a "huge response".

"People said there should be a place where people can share their experiences, and I thought 'yes, there should'."

And so the Facebook group was born in 2014.

Jo's story

Two years later, Jo Henwood joined the group after her mother, Hazel, died in August 2016 at the age of 78.

Jo, 60, who lives in Chester, said the Motherless Daughters community is "amazing".

She said: "It is so supportive of each other, we are all over the country, the world".

Jo moved to South Wales when she was two-years-old, before living in New Zealand with her mother and then moving to Chester later on in life.

Jo with her mother in the 1990s, supporting Wales and New Zealand

She said her mother was like a "dad and a mum" to her as she grew up without her father.

Their bond was strong and Jo said even though she was 52-years-old when her mother died, she felt like an "orphan".

"It is weird but you feel like a bit like an orphan because nobody knows these things of my childhood, it was just me and her," she said.

"The grief, is just raw. It is just as if the bottom of your life has been taken away and you're just rudderless - whenever you lose your mum it is very tough."

Jo Henwood's last Christmas with her mother, Hazel, pictured in 2015

Hazel died from idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis (IPF), where the lungs become scarred and breathing becomes more difficult.

Jo said she and her family were able to spend one last Christmas together in 2015, before Hazel died.

"My mum was lovely, she fought my corner a lot and I always felt she was there for me, she was feisty, and we did have such a laugh," said Jo.

She said the group was "great" and had helped her connect with others.

Gemma's story

BBC reporter Gemma Sherlock's mother, Tina, died on 19 March 2021 during the Covid-19 pandemic.

Tina died aged 53 after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in August 2019.

Gemma, who lives in Wirral, was 28-years-old at the time her mother died.

She too found herself alone and lost.

When Carmella pointed her in the group's direction, she described it as a "lifeline".

Gemma with her mother, Tina

"The group is a place where I don't feel judged, I can express my grief, and my thoughts, and I know someone is going to be there for me within a matter of seconds," she said.

"I felt so lonely throughout lockdown anyway and I knew this was a place where people would understand me straight away.

"I am so thankful the group is here, as it is still helping me nearly four years on."

Gemma said her mother was "very proud" on the day of her graduation

If you, or someone you know, have been affected by bereavement, child bereavement or end of life care, you can find support through BBC Action Line.

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