'I just couldn't cope on my own'

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By Divya Talwar BBC Asian Network

If you are Asian, it is often considered your duty to look after your parents in their old age.

While many readily accept the responsibility, some struggle quietly and reach breaking point before they ask for help.

Leena Thakrar found it increasingly difficult to cope

Leena Thakrar is a full time carer for her 86-year-old mother-in-law, Vaji.

''It's like looking after a baby, she can't be left alone," she said.

"I do everything for her: from feeding and changing her clothes, to taking her to the toilet. It can be a real struggle."

Vaji is not mobile and needs round-the-clock care. A few years ago, Leena was juggling a career, being a wife and mother of two teenage daughters and caring for her mother-in-law.

''I was really struggling, I felt like her responsibility was all on me," she said.

"I shut my family out because I just didn't know what to say to them. I kept telling myself: you're the daughter-in-law, get on with it.''

But Leena could not cope and, a year on, she knew that she had reached crisis point.

''I was completely drained, I felt like I was physically and mentally dead," she said.

"I was withdrawn all the time, and my chirpy, bubbly personality had just vanished.''

Cultural expectation

Many Asians caring for their elderly relatives find themselves in a similar situation.

Nita Devabhai is from the Afiya Trust, working with Black and Minority Ethnic (BME) communities to raise awareness about health and social care services.

She says many Asians become isolated in their role as carer - and only realise they need help when they reach a crisis.

"There is a cultural expectation to just be able to cope," she said.

Leena's daughter Shivani has been a great help

"We are meant to be able to look after 'our own' without a problem - it's part of our society."

Nita looks after her elderly mother-in-law and says that many Asians do not even know that help is available.

''There are information and resources out there for carers," she said.

"Asian society is changing and there shouldn't be a taboo in saying: 'I'm struggling, I can't do this on my own'."

Leena has made some big changes: for a start, she has let her family in.

"Now if I feel like I'm struggling, I talk about it," she said.

"I have a big extended family and they are always happy to help me.

''My daughters are great too. Shivani is the eldest and she will take mum to the toilet and change her nappy.''

The other major change was Leena's decision to leave her job and take a five-year career break.

'It was a really difficult choice and not one I made easily," she said.

"I have always enjoyed working and now I spend almost all my time at home.

''But I just couldn't cope with caring for Vaji and working.

"If I hired full-time help, it just wouldn't make any financial sense because I'd spend all the money I earned on care."

Leena also now gets daily help from social carers; one comes in the morning to help shower Vaji and another comes for two hours in the afternoon, allowing Leena to get out of the house and run the errands and do the school run.

''It's still very hard work, but I feel like myself again," she said.

"And I get to enjoy the benefits of having mum here, we all learn about our culture, and I've become a great cook."

Shape policy

A government poll revealed that England's Asian population is nearly twice as likely to be comfortable looking after older parents.

However, British Asians are among those who are also most worried about how they will care for their parents.

The Afiya Trust is holding a conference with the Minister for Care Services, Phil Hope, to give the Asian community a chance to express its views and concerns about social care on Tuesday.

As part of the government's Big Care Debate, which ends this Friday, Mr Hope wants the Asian community to have the opportunity to help shape future policy on care and support.

Mr Hope said: ''British Asian families have a strong tradition of keeping older people close to the family.

"Social services could do more to support this culture. To make this happen I need to know what British Asian people want and to learn about what you do so well, so that the whole country can benefit.''

You can hear more at 1230 and 1800 GMT on the BBC's Asian Network or via the BBC iPlayer.