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| Abused by their own children | Abused by their own children |
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| Beaten and abused, but what if the bully is your own child? Many parents are living in fear of their children, but are too ashamed to ask for help, says a leading British charity. Why? | Beaten and abused, but what if the bully is your own child? Many parents are living in fear of their children, but are too ashamed to ask for help, says a leading British charity. Why? |
| Threatened with a knife by a 14-year-old girl - it could be a disturbing headline from any national newspaper. But what if it happened in your own home and the teenager wielding the weapon was your own daughter? | Threatened with a knife by a 14-year-old girl - it could be a disturbing headline from any national newspaper. But what if it happened in your own home and the teenager wielding the weapon was your own daughter? |
| Parents are regularly being threatened, abused, even beaten up by their own children, says a UK parental guidance charity. Many have reached the point where they are afraid to be left alone in the house with them. | Parents are regularly being threatened, abused, even beaten up by their own children, says a UK parental guidance charity. Many have reached the point where they are afraid to be left alone in the house with them. |
| ONE MOTHER'S STORY One minute we can be sitting down watching television, the next [my 14-year-old daughter] flies out of her seat, switches off the telly and launches into a torrent of abuse. She calls me names like 'cow' or 'bitch'. She's trashed the house several times and has even hit me and her younger brother and sister. When she's calm, she's a loving, lovely girl. But I am always treading on eggshells, frightened of her and at my wits' end. It's like living with an abusive partner - I just don't know what to do next. Chrissie (picture posed by model) | ONE MOTHER'S STORY One minute we can be sitting down watching television, the next [my 14-year-old daughter] flies out of her seat, switches off the telly and launches into a torrent of abuse. She calls me names like 'cow' or 'bitch'. She's trashed the house several times and has even hit me and her younger brother and sister. When she's calm, she's a loving, lovely girl. But I am always treading on eggshells, frightened of her and at my wits' end. It's like living with an abusive partner - I just don't know what to do next. Chrissie (picture posed by model) |
| New figures from Parentline Plus reveal its helpline received three calls a day on average last year from parents suffering verbal or physical abuse. For some it has been going on for years. (See box, right, for the story of one threatened mother.) | New figures from Parentline Plus reveal its helpline received three calls a day on average last year from parents suffering verbal or physical abuse. For some it has been going on for years. (See box, right, for the story of one threatened mother.) |
| It says such aggression is more common than people think, but many parents don't ask for help because they feel ashamed. | It says such aggression is more common than people think, but many parents don't ask for help because they feel ashamed. |
| The range of abuse includes hitting, punching, shoving, punching holes in the wall and spitting, as well as having homes and possessions destroyed during rows. | The range of abuse includes hitting, punching, shoving, punching holes in the wall and spitting, as well as having homes and possessions destroyed during rows. |
| "It's shocking how many parents are frightened of their children, but there's a lot of shame surrounding the issue and they don't speak out," says Valerie Outram, of Parentline Plus. | "It's shocking how many parents are frightened of their children, but there's a lot of shame surrounding the issue and they don't speak out," says Valerie Outram, of Parentline Plus. |
| "It's like domestic violence was 20 or 30 years ago. It's hushed up, brushed under the carpet and no one talks about it." | |
| Most of the violence is perpetrated by children aged 13 to 15, according to the organisation. But some parents call up about children as young as three, or grown-up offspring in their late 20s. | |
| Mothers are the main target, making up 91% of callers. They are women of all ages and from all sections of society. But perhaps the most shocking finding is that daughters are more likely to be abusers than sons. | Mothers are the main target, making up 91% of callers. They are women of all ages and from all sections of society. But perhaps the most shocking finding is that daughters are more likely to be abusers than sons. |
| 'Meltdown' | 'Meltdown' |
| Tracy, who does not want to use her real name, had a knife pulled on her at home by her 14-year-old daughter. | Tracy, who does not want to use her real name, had a knife pulled on her at home by her 14-year-old daughter. |
| "She started getting aggressive when she was around 11 or 12 and things just escalated," she says. "She switches in seconds from being fine to screaming and shouting. Her eight-year-old brother started doing the same. There are times when I have just been in meltdown, with no idea what to do." | "She started getting aggressive when she was around 11 or 12 and things just escalated," she says. "She switches in seconds from being fine to screaming and shouting. Her eight-year-old brother started doing the same. There are times when I have just been in meltdown, with no idea what to do." |
| It is difficult to know the true extent of parental abuse, as much of it goes unreported and is not spoken about, according to Professor Kevin Browne from Birmingham University, who has researched the issue. | It is difficult to know the true extent of parental abuse, as much of it goes unreported and is not spoken about, according to Professor Kevin Browne from Birmingham University, who has researched the issue. |
| AGE OF CHILDREN PROMPTING CALLS FROM ABUSED PARENTS 0-3 years 2% of calls4-6 years 4%7-9 years 5%10-12 years 15%13-15 years 35%16-18 years 26%19-21 years 7%22-25 years 4%26 and over 3% Source: Parentline Plus | AGE OF CHILDREN PROMPTING CALLS FROM ABUSED PARENTS 0-3 years 2% of calls4-6 years 4%7-9 years 5%10-12 years 15%13-15 years 35%16-18 years 26%19-21 years 7%22-25 years 4%26 and over 3% Source: Parentline Plus |
| Embarrassment contributes to this silence says Suzie Hayman, a Relate-trained counsellor and author of Teach Yourself Parenting: Your Teenager. | Embarrassment contributes to this silence says Suzie Hayman, a Relate-trained counsellor and author of Teach Yourself Parenting: Your Teenager. |
| "It's shame that [explains why] the situation is so out of control and sometimes shame about the reasons why," she says. "It stops people telling their wider family and talking to anyone." | "It's shame that [explains why] the situation is so out of control and sometimes shame about the reasons why," she says. "It stops people telling their wider family and talking to anyone." |
| It is also a "neglected" and "under-researched" topic academically, according to Mr Browne. But what research has been done suggests it is relatively widespread and "is a problem too large to ignore". Studies also back up much of the helpline's experience. | It is also a "neglected" and "under-researched" topic academically, according to Mr Browne. But what research has been done suggests it is relatively widespread and "is a problem too large to ignore". Studies also back up much of the helpline's experience. |
| Society finds it hard to accept such abuse exists, says Mr Browne. He says some psychologists suggest this is because "the less powerful are taking on the role of the more powerful". Often family believe the parent must have "deserved it" in some way, he adds. | Society finds it hard to accept such abuse exists, says Mr Browne. He says some psychologists suggest this is because "the less powerful are taking on the role of the more powerful". Often family believe the parent must have "deserved it" in some way, he adds. |
| But others argue that having problems coping with your child isn't a taboo any more. There is more discussion of such behaviour and more help than ever before. | |
| Anonymous | Anonymous |
| "I would question the suggestion that it is taboo," says consultant clinical psychologist Elie Godsi, author of Violence and Society: Making Sense of Madness and Badness. | "I would question the suggestion that it is taboo," says consultant clinical psychologist Elie Godsi, author of Violence and Society: Making Sense of Madness and Badness. |
| "These days it's easy to label a child as having a problem if they don't do what they're told. Help is out there and parents come forward. The real issue here is being able to talk about the way people aren't coping without blaming anyone, but still holding them responsible. | "These days it's easy to label a child as having a problem if they don't do what they're told. Help is out there and parents come forward. The real issue here is being able to talk about the way people aren't coping without blaming anyone, but still holding them responsible. |
| "Behaviour in children is learned from the adults around them, copied and reinforced by parents who cannot cope. They give their children rubbish boundaries." | "Behaviour in children is learned from the adults around them, copied and reinforced by parents who cannot cope. They give their children rubbish boundaries." |
| It is a taboo subject to talk about parents who suffer abuse from their children... for some parents it can turn into a vicious cycle which can continue for years Jeremy ToddParentline Plus chief executive | It is a taboo subject to talk about parents who suffer abuse from their children... for some parents it can turn into a vicious cycle which can continue for years Jeremy ToddParentline Plus chief executive |
| But Mr Godsi acknowledges that what isn't really talked about is the extent of aggression that is perpetrated by girls. | But Mr Godsi acknowledges that what isn't really talked about is the extent of aggression that is perpetrated by girls. |
| "Having an aggressive daughter is still a taboo," he says. "It still carries a stigma." | "Having an aggressive daughter is still a taboo," he says. "It still carries a stigma." |
| That girls are more likely to behave this way is not a surprise to some. Not because they are getting more violent, but because of the way they deal with issues. | That girls are more likely to behave this way is not a surprise to some. Not because they are getting more violent, but because of the way they deal with issues. |
| "Boys and girls feel the same but have different ways of acting out when they are distressed and upset," says Ms Hayman. "Boys self-destruct outside the home by doing things like drinking or joy-riding. Girls do it in more intimate ways like arguments with parents." | "Boys and girls feel the same but have different ways of acting out when they are distressed and upset," says Ms Hayman. "Boys self-destruct outside the home by doing things like drinking or joy-riding. Girls do it in more intimate ways like arguments with parents." |
| In a lot of cases the reason for such aggression is obvious. The parent might have been abusive to the child in the past or the youngster may have witnessed violence in the home. Age is also an issue, with the teen years often creating a lot of issues. | In a lot of cases the reason for such aggression is obvious. The parent might have been abusive to the child in the past or the youngster may have witnessed violence in the home. Age is also an issue, with the teen years often creating a lot of issues. |
| 'Don't matter' | 'Don't matter' |
| But Parentline Plus is keen to counter generalisations. Mr Browne agrees that, while there is evidence that children who are aggressive to their parents have often been victims of abuse themselves, not every case is so easily explained. | |
| One of his studies found just over half of the youngsters who said they had been violent towards their parents had not been on the receiving end of such aggression from them. | One of his studies found just over half of the youngsters who said they had been violent towards their parents had not been on the receiving end of such aggression from them. |
| But there is always a reason, however hard it is to identify, say childcare experts. And, whatever it is, parents always feel judgement will fall on them which is why they will ring an anonymous helpline but not ask family for help, says Parentline Plus. | |
| "People feel conflicted. They think they are supposed to love their children unconditionally," says Ms Outram. "They think they don't matter and only the child does, but they do matter. Getting them to realise that is the point at which you start tackling this problem." | |
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