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Talking, crying and laughing at Gorleston bereavement cafe Talking, crying and laughing at Gorleston bereavement cafe
(about 4 hours later)
Thomasina Scott-Greenard says she is determined to get people talking about the subject of deathThomasina Scott-Greenard says she is determined to get people talking about the subject of death
A moment is seared into Thomasina Scott-Greenard's memory.A moment is seared into Thomasina Scott-Greenard's memory.
Shortly after the sudden death of her 19-year-old son Oliver, she walked into her local supermarket only for it to be "like the parting of the Red Sea - people turned their backs on me because they didn't know what to say".Shortly after the sudden death of her 19-year-old son Oliver, she walked into her local supermarket only for it to be "like the parting of the Red Sea - people turned their backs on me because they didn't know what to say".
Five years earlier, Oliver's father and Mrs Scott-Greenard's husband, Simon, had also died, at the age of 36.Five years earlier, Oliver's father and Mrs Scott-Greenard's husband, Simon, had also died, at the age of 36.
She describes losing them as "cataclysmic", but says the depths of her grief also led her to understand how important it was to talk openly about bereavement.She describes losing them as "cataclysmic", but says the depths of her grief also led her to understand how important it was to talk openly about bereavement.
Now, almost 14 years after her son's death and with time to volunteer, Mrs Scott-Greenard, 57, has launched a weekly bereavement cafe in Gorleston-on-Sea, Norfolk.Now, almost 14 years after her son's death and with time to volunteer, Mrs Scott-Greenard, 57, has launched a weekly bereavement cafe in Gorleston-on-Sea, Norfolk.
Thomasina Scott-Greenard pictured with her late son Oliver (left), late husband Simon (right) and her daughter Isobel and son ElliottThomasina Scott-Greenard pictured with her late son Oliver (left), late husband Simon (right) and her daughter Isobel and son Elliott
Reflecting on both her shopping trip following the loss of her son in November 2011 and the ethos that has been the springboard for the cafe, she says: "I think it's better to say something than nothing.Reflecting on both her shopping trip following the loss of her son in November 2011 and the ethos that has been the springboard for the cafe, she says: "I think it's better to say something than nothing.
"Unfortunately, part of our Britishness is that we don't like to talk about death."Unfortunately, part of our Britishness is that we don't like to talk about death.
"But we should talk about it because we're all going to die; we're all going to know somebody that dies."But we should talk about it because we're all going to die; we're all going to know somebody that dies.
"It's up to us to support each other, so we don't mourn their loss alone. No-one should be alone.""It's up to us to support each other, so we don't mourn their loss alone. No-one should be alone."
Oliver Scott-Greenard died aged 19 in 2011Oliver Scott-Greenard died aged 19 in 2011
The cafe at Gorleston's Pavilion Theatre is run as a discussion group, rather than providing professional grief support or counselling.The cafe at Gorleston's Pavilion Theatre is run as a discussion group, rather than providing professional grief support or counselling.
Advice on topics such as what to do with a loved one's ashes and administration is offered, but the cafe is also a sanctuary to share experiences and memories, talk, laugh and cry.Advice on topics such as what to do with a loved one's ashes and administration is offered, but the cafe is also a sanctuary to share experiences and memories, talk, laugh and cry.
Ms Scott-Greenard, who lives in nearby Ormesby and has since remarried, says the fact she had two other children, Elliott and Isobel, and a busy job helped her cope at the time, but she has always been aware how some people were isolated in their grief.Ms Scott-Greenard, who lives in nearby Ormesby and has since remarried, says the fact she had two other children, Elliott and Isobel, and a busy job helped her cope at the time, but she has always been aware how some people were isolated in their grief.
The grandmother-of-two says she also coped by throwing herself into volunteering for different causes after her husband died days after being diagnosed with renal cancer, and then the unexpected death of her son from an epileptic seizure while away studying.The grandmother-of-two says she also coped by throwing herself into volunteering for different causes after her husband died days after being diagnosed with renal cancer, and then the unexpected death of her son from an epileptic seizure while away studying.
And with a determination to get people to talk about a subject that is often shied away from, she started running a weekly bereavement cafe in Martham for the county library service last year.And with a determination to get people to talk about a subject that is often shied away from, she started running a weekly bereavement cafe in Martham for the county library service last year.
Elliott then suggested launching another independent cafe at the theatre, where he works.Elliott then suggested launching another independent cafe at the theatre, where he works.
"I call it my 'Dead People Club' because... a lot of people don't understand what the word bereavement means," says Mrs Scott-Greenard."I call it my 'Dead People Club' because... a lot of people don't understand what the word bereavement means," says Mrs Scott-Greenard.
"But if you break it down, everybody here has got a dead person that we like to talk about."But if you break it down, everybody here has got a dead person that we like to talk about.
"We don't want to forget - and we can share what we've been through together.""We don't want to forget - and we can share what we've been through together."
Paul and Sue Davis have been attending sessions at the cafe following the death of their son Steve Paul and Sue Davis have been attending sessions at the cafe following the death of her son Steve
The cafe is open to anyone grieving for a loved one, regardless of when they died.The cafe is open to anyone grieving for a loved one, regardless of when they died.
Sue and Paul Davis lost their son Steve on 2 March and have been keen to talk to others as they try to make sense of their emotions. Sue Davis lost her son Steve on 2 March and she and her husband Paul have been keen to talk to others as they try to make sense of their emotions.
He was 32 when he suddenly collapsed at their home following a series of epileptic seizures.He was 32 when he suddenly collapsed at their home following a series of epileptic seizures.
His mother had desperately tried to save him before the paramedics arrived.His mother had desperately tried to save him before the paramedics arrived.
"You can't ever describe the depths of it - it's just devastating," says Mrs Davis."You can't ever describe the depths of it - it's just devastating," says Mrs Davis.
"People understand because they've all suffered a bereavement of some kind."People understand because they've all suffered a bereavement of some kind.
"Thomasina, because she lost her own son, I find she can understand how I'm feeling."Thomasina, because she lost her own son, I find she can understand how I'm feeling.
"I think although family help, they don't fully understand what it feels like to lose your own child."I think although family help, they don't fully understand what it feels like to lose your own child.
"You can talk about anything - you can be yourself.""You can talk about anything - you can be yourself."
Mrs Davis, pictured with her late son Steve Warner-Davis, says her family used to enjoy lots of fun times togetherMrs Davis, pictured with her late son Steve Warner-Davis, says her family used to enjoy lots of fun times together
Other people in the group have taken pleasure in companionship and building new friendships after losing their partners.Other people in the group have taken pleasure in companionship and building new friendships after losing their partners.
Gloria Briggs, 77, had been married from the age of 17 for 52 years when her husband died of a short illness.Gloria Briggs, 77, had been married from the age of 17 for 52 years when her husband died of a short illness.
"We did everything together and everything was about our family," she says."We did everything together and everything was about our family," she says.
"You'll never get over it - you can't - but you live with it a bit better.""You'll never get over it - you can't - but you live with it a bit better."
She says the cafe has made her "get out and meet other people", and see she was not the only one to have lost a husband.She says the cafe has made her "get out and meet other people", and see she was not the only one to have lost a husband.
It has given her a common bond with Carol, 68, whose mother and husband died weeks apart in 2023.It has given her a common bond with Carol, 68, whose mother and husband died weeks apart in 2023.
Despite going to grief counselling, Carol felt she needed more support, so visited the cafe after spotting a social media post.Despite going to grief counselling, Carol felt she needed more support, so visited the cafe after spotting a social media post.
"I fit in here very well - we've all been through similar," said Carol, who did not want to disclose her surname."I fit in here very well - we've all been through similar," said Carol, who did not want to disclose her surname.
"When you're bereaved, yes, you've got family and friends - they try and be sympathetic - but I think I put a lot on other people."When you're bereaved, yes, you've got family and friends - they try and be sympathetic - but I think I put a lot on other people.
"I think they got a bit fed up with listening to it, whereas here, you can cry.""I think they got a bit fed up with listening to it, whereas here, you can cry."
After spending last year wearing black clothes, she says the cafe's family atmosphere has been restorative.After spending last year wearing black clothes, she says the cafe's family atmosphere has been restorative.
"I look forward to putting my make up on, doing my hair, wearing something pretty," said Carol."I look forward to putting my make up on, doing my hair, wearing something pretty," said Carol.
"I thought, 'No, I'm gonna be a bit brighter now and be back to who I am.'""I thought, 'No, I'm gonna be a bit brighter now and be back to who I am.'"
The free bereavement cafe is held on Wednesdays between 10:00 and 11:30 at Gorleston Pavilion Theatre.The free bereavement cafe is held on Wednesdays between 10:00 and 11:30 at Gorleston Pavilion Theatre.
Norfolk County Council also runs a series of free bereavement cafes, at locations including Martham.Norfolk County Council also runs a series of free bereavement cafes, at locations including Martham.
If you - or someone you know - has been affected by grief, child bereavement or end of life care, you can find information and support at BBC Action Line.If you - or someone you know - has been affected by grief, child bereavement or end of life care, you can find information and support at BBC Action Line.
Follow Norfolk news on BBC Sounds, Facebook, Instagram and X.Follow Norfolk news on BBC Sounds, Facebook, Instagram and X.