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Before the almost inevitable row about policing at Notting Hill carnival, here are some things you should know Before the almost inevitable row about policing at Notting Hill carnival, here are some things you should know
(about 8 hours later)
As a police officer turned comedian, I joke about the job and try to explain it. But there is a gulf between what officers and the public think – and that does neither any goodAs a police officer turned comedian, I joke about the job and try to explain it. But there is a gulf between what officers and the public think – and that does neither any good
The cops are everywhere. This weekend, as Notting Hill carnival looms, you’ll see them on the streets and in the news.I’m a standup comedian, but also a recent ex-cop with plenty of mates still in the job to keep me apprised of what’s going on and what they are thinking. Usually this involves a sort of role reversal, where I play the part of the crisis negotiator and they’re weeping down the phone over the latest senior management policy. Here’s what’s really on their minds at the moment.The cops are everywhere. This weekend, as Notting Hill carnival looms, you’ll see them on the streets and in the news.I’m a standup comedian, but also a recent ex-cop with plenty of mates still in the job to keep me apprised of what’s going on and what they are thinking. Usually this involves a sort of role reversal, where I play the part of the crisis negotiator and they’re weeping down the phone over the latest senior management policy. Here’s what’s really on their minds at the moment.
Dance like no one is watching – and that’s an order!Dance like no one is watching – and that’s an order!
The spectacle of colour and splendour that is the Notting Hill carnival is almost upon us. But what about “Mr Little Bit Too Serious” Met police commissioner, Sir Mark Rowley, (boo!) telling his troops they must not join in and that rhythm’s not a dancer on his watch? (Hiss!)The spectacle of colour and splendour that is the Notting Hill carnival is almost upon us. But what about “Mr Little Bit Too Serious” Met police commissioner, Sir Mark Rowley, (boo!) telling his troops they must not join in and that rhythm’s not a dancer on his watch? (Hiss!)
Let me declare that I’ve never been to Notting Hill carnival. (I’ve been to the Barnsley Clog Dancing festival, where the winner gets a cone of chips with extra gravy.) But I do love community policing. Love it, love it, LOVE IT! Let me declare that I’ve never been to Notting Hill carnival. (I’ve been to the Barnsley Clog Dancing festival, where the winner gets a cone of chips with extra gravy.) But I do love community policing. Love it, love it, LOVE IT!
As a former neighbourhood sergeant, I strongly believe that community engagement is the heart and soul of policing. The CDS (Counter Dance Squad) at Scotland Yard fears that cops may be distracted, and “less able to respond and intervene swiftly when required”. What a load of Bolshoi! As a former neighbourhood sergeant, I strongly believe that community engagement is the heart and soul of policing. The CDS (Counter Dance Squad) at Scotland Yard fears that cops may be distracted, and “less able to respond and intervene swiftly when required”. What a load of Bolshoi!
Come on, Sir Mark, be honest. What you really fear is a clip of some pirouetting PC being picked up by the Daily Mail. Causing old Arthur in the Dog and Duck to slam down his pint and scream at the gen Z bartender that he used t’get a clip around the ear’ole from PC Dixon – and if he went home and told his father … Come on, Sir Mark, be honest. What you really fear is a clip of some pirouetting PC being picked up by the Daily Mail. Causing old Arthur in the Dog and Duck to slam down his pint and scream at the gen Z bartender that he used t’get a clip around the ear’ole from PC Dixon – and if he went home and told his father …
And what do cops think about the dance ban? The answer is: total indifference! Most just resent having their weekend cancelled to swelter in heavy boots and cheap Lycra tops. And what do cops think about the dance ban? The answer is: total indifference! Most just resent having their weekend cancelled to swelter in heavy boots and cheap Lycra tops.
Meanwhile, old Arthur’s now grinding his teeth, screwing up his flat cap and screaming: “Why aren’t they out there catching the real criminals?!” One answer is that many are at the Notting Hill carnival, community policing, but also seeking out the knife-and-gun-toting thieves, robbers and murderers who exploit the event. Of the 349 arrests in 2024, 72 were for carrying knives or other offensive weapons. Meanwhile, old Arthur’s now grinding his teeth, screwing up his flat cap and screaming: “Why aren’t they out there catching the real criminals?!” One answer is that many are at the Notting Hill carnival, community policing, but also seeking out the knife-and-gun-toting thieves, robbers and murderers who exploit the event. Of the 349 arrests in 2024, 72 were for carrying knives or other offensive weapons.
A recent Police Federation survey revealed that an astounding 89% of cops at last year’s event reported feeling unsafe, and I’m not surprised. For all the jollity, I think the carnival is potentially the most dangerous public event a police officer will ever face. And that’s coming from a copper who survived policing the Scunthorpe United v Grimsby Town, Football League trophy match of 2017. Grimsby lost. Those Codheads can be sore losers!A recent Police Federation survey revealed that an astounding 89% of cops at last year’s event reported feeling unsafe, and I’m not surprised. For all the jollity, I think the carnival is potentially the most dangerous public event a police officer will ever face. And that’s coming from a copper who survived policing the Scunthorpe United v Grimsby Town, Football League trophy match of 2017. Grimsby lost. Those Codheads can be sore losers!
Money, money, moneyMoney, money, money
But think of all the overtime, right? Wrong! The biggest gripe from my serving police chums is remuneration! The “national living wage” is now £12.21 per hour. A police officer’s starting salary is £29,907. Whichever way you look at it, it’s an uplift of a little more than a couple of quid for enduring a dire shift pattern, constant abuse and daily risk to life and limb.But think of all the overtime, right? Wrong! The biggest gripe from my serving police chums is remuneration! The “national living wage” is now £12.21 per hour. A police officer’s starting salary is £29,907. Whichever way you look at it, it’s an uplift of a little more than a couple of quid for enduring a dire shift pattern, constant abuse and daily risk to life and limb.
The Police Federation says that since 2010, police pay has fallen by 21% in real terms. Theresa May is now the chair of the Global Commission on Modern Slavery and Human Trafficking. Skills no doubt honed from reforming UK police pay and conditions. The Police Federation says that since 2010, police pay has fallen by 21% in real terms. Theresa May is now the chair of the Global Commission on Modern Slavery and Human Trafficking. Skills no doubt honed from reforming UK police pay and conditions.
Out with the old, out with the newOut with the old, out with the new
Recently, police chiefs were given powers to quickly sack those who fail vetting checks. Speedy departure of bad cops is a positive. However, hanging on to the good cops is proving challenging: 8,795 officers left in the last year, 53% being voluntary resignations. Recently, police chiefs were given powers to quickly sack those who fail vetting checks. Speedy departure of bad cops is a positive. However, hanging on to the good cops is proving challenging: 8,795 officers left in the last year, 53% being voluntary resignations.
That’s a bit awkward for the government’s neighbourhood policing pledge, to deploy additional personnel to dedicated neighbourhood roles, when there are 1,303 fewer coppers than last year. A puzzle solved by a serving neighbourhood inspector who told me: “We’re bolstering neighbourhood numbers by using cops from crime investigation teams.” That’s a bit awkward for the government’s neighbourhood policing pledge, to deploy additional personnel to dedicated neighbourhood roles, when there are 1,303 fewer coppers than last year. A puzzle solved by a serving neighbourhood inspector who told me: “We’re bolstering neighbourhood numbers by using cops from crime investigation teams.”
To the Home Office boffins currently trying to solve the mystery of the police’s dire recruitment and retention problems, here’s a random idea – pay them properly! In the last five years the number of police officers with second jobs has doubled. No wonder carnival cops have been throwing some shapes – they’re practising for their second jobs as exotic dancers. At least the Lycra comes in handy. To the Home Office boffins currently trying to solve the mystery of the police’s dire recruitment and retention problems, here’s a random idea – pay them properly! In the last five years the number of police officers with second jobs has doubled. No wonder carnival cops have been throwing some shapes – they’re practising for their second jobs as exotic dancers. At least the Lycra comes in handy.
So are we human, or are we dancer?So are we human, or are we dancer?
Here’s another secret I can reveal: police officers are almost human! (Not the traffic cops obviously.) Did you see the viral clip of a cop getting a cameraphone shoved in his face at a recent protest? In a sort of reverse “no comment” interview, he remained silent, as the interviewer repeatedly asked for his views on the protest, inferred that his children would look back and judge him and suggested he should quit the police. Perhaps they see a scenario in which every cop resigning would result in a spontaneous VE Day vibe and a universal outbreak of peace and goodwill? There’d be an outbreak all right – but of total chaos!Here’s another secret I can reveal: police officers are almost human! (Not the traffic cops obviously.) Did you see the viral clip of a cop getting a cameraphone shoved in his face at a recent protest? In a sort of reverse “no comment” interview, he remained silent, as the interviewer repeatedly asked for his views on the protest, inferred that his children would look back and judge him and suggested he should quit the police. Perhaps they see a scenario in which every cop resigning would result in a spontaneous VE Day vibe and a universal outbreak of peace and goodwill? There’d be an outbreak all right – but of total chaos!
No one craves depoliticisation more than a frontline cop. Please try not to blame them for complying with and enforcing the law. The laws brought in by parliament, made up of people that you elected to represent you. No one craves depoliticisation more than a frontline cop. Please try not to blame them for complying with and enforcing the law. The laws brought in by parliament, made up of people that you elected to represent you.
So if you see a copper this weekend, spread the love, be friendly, give them a smile. But don’t ask them to dance!So if you see a copper this weekend, spread the love, be friendly, give them a smile. But don’t ask them to dance!
That’s all, I’m off for a pint with angry Arthur, to talk about how it used to be in the good old days …That’s all, I’m off for a pint with angry Arthur, to talk about how it used to be in the good old days …
Alfie Moore is an ex-police officer, writer, standup comedian and radio presenterAlfie Moore is an ex-police officer, writer, standup comedian and radio presenter
Do you have an opinion on the issues raised in this article? If you would like to submit a response of up to 300 words by email to be considered for publication in our letters section, please click here.
Alfie Moore is an ex-police officer, writer, standup comedian and radio presenterAlfie Moore is an ex-police officer, writer, standup comedian and radio presenter
Do you have an opinion on the issues raised in this article? If you would like to submit a response of up to 300 words by email to be considered for publication in our letters section, please click here.