How to keep adult friendships and stop ghosting

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cwyr971q7rxo

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The time pressures of adult life can make it difficult to maintain the friendships we hold close

"We must catch up soon!"

It's a phrase near universal in adult friendships - a text we've likely both sent and received.

We mean it in the moment, with the best of intentions. But between work, family and endless to-do lists, a simple catch-up can become a logistical nightmare.

Yes, we must. But we rarely do.

It explains why research finds we lose around half of our friends every seven years.

It's not that we're suddenly "fundamentally incompatible", says psychologist Dr Marisa Franco, but because relationships shift as life stages change.

Be it moving in with partners, getting married, focusing on our careers or starting a family, friendships become "the easiest place for collateral damage" for both men and women explains author Dolly Alderton.

The question becomes how to maintain the same closeness with less time together.

Relationship expert Claire Cohen, author of BFF? The Truth About Female Friendship, who recently had a son is experiencing this first hand.

She's found herself in "identity limbo" between her old friends and the new group of mums she's met through antenatal classes.

Claire says she wants a fully rounded group, not just people who know the "new me".

To fix this, she's become more transparent, vulnerable, and creative in her approach to friendships during this challenging life transition.

When Claire recently discovered she hadn't been invited to a social event, for example, she gently reached out and explained she would still love invites despite being busy with motherhood.

Research shows platonic bonds are needed for healthy human connection

Her honesty opened up the conversation. Claire says the friend was "reassuring", explaining that she thought she was "being kind" by giving space, unaware of the hurt caused.

Friendship reaffirmed, they then made time to hang out, even through the "mundane connection" of tidying together.

Claire's experience shows how communicating honestly is key.

Science underlines the importance of friendships. A broad social circle is thought to reduce the risk of death by 45%, about the same as the impact of diet and exercise combined.

It combats what Dr Franco calls "relational loneliness" - the loss of deeper platonic bonds needed for healthy human connection.

"Even if you're around one person and you really like that person, you can still feel lonely without having friends," Dr Franco says.

Embrace mess

Making space for friendships as our life changes requires us to accept our changing circumstances and feel the discomfort.

This means welcoming our friends into our messy lives, rather than waiting for perfect moments, says psychologist Julia Samuels.

Going to the gym, running errands or doing a food shop with a new baby? Take a friend along.

For friendships to exist, we need to give them space, however short or unusual the setting. "If they can't do it, they can't do it. But have it in the diary," adds Samuels.

Doing so allows us to meet in person, which experts agree should be the priority - even more so in our age of instant messaging.

Claire agrees, particularly since giving birth. While Whatsapp messages undoubtedly help us touch base and tell people we're thinking of them, she's found them a wholly "unsatisfactory" catch-up replacement during maternity leave.

It's a trap more of us have fallen into since the pandemic, says Dr Franco. Lockdowns normalised "learned loneliness" - seeing isolation as an acceptable default - alongside an over reliance on virtual communication.

To avoid this, she says we need to remember that socialising is like a muscle - the more we do it, the easier it becomes.

For those having to push themselves out the door, Dr Franco advises trying to reframe toward thinking about how happy our future selves will be, rather than pre-meet fears.

"When it comes to social connection, we underestimate just how happy it makes us, just how much value it brings," she explains.

Best friends forever?

So, what should you do if you want to rekindle a relationship?

Dr Franco suggests a text message or voice note as an initial olive branch, perhaps highlighting a specific memory to revive the connection.

When doing so, she says it's important to remember the "liking gap" - the negative disconnect between how we think others perceive us and their actual opinion.

We need to think of friendships as "flexible and not fragile" and trust that feelings do not diminish in busy or challenging times.

As for meetings themselves, Claire says "organised fun" such as book clubs or pottery classes can alleviate the stress of hosting and make it a communal occasion.

Ultimately, we need to trust that friends really will be there for us. Or, as Samuels puts it:

"Trust that you're more liked than you think you are and take a risk".

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