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| The crisis of the mediocre marriage | |
| (41 minutes later) | |
| Divorce is an unhappy fact of life for many families in Britain, but it became so in response to an even greater crisis in family life - the mediocre marriage, says Kirsty Young. | |
| I'm a mum of two daughters. I'm also a step-mum and the daughter of a divorce that happened in the period covered by our first programme - the period which traces how marriage changed from the end of the war to the end of the 60s. | I'm a mum of two daughters. I'm also a step-mum and the daughter of a divorce that happened in the period covered by our first programme - the period which traces how marriage changed from the end of the war to the end of the 60s. |
| FIND OUT MORE... The British Family series, presented by Kirsty Young, begins on Monday at 2100 GMT on BBC TwoOr catch up using the iPlayer The British Family | FIND OUT MORE... The British Family series, presented by Kirsty Young, begins on Monday at 2100 GMT on BBC TwoOr catch up using the iPlayer The British Family |
| So when I started out making The British Family, I was acutely aware that this wasn't the kind of TV series you could simply consign to the compartment labelled "work". | So when I started out making The British Family, I was acutely aware that this wasn't the kind of TV series you could simply consign to the compartment labelled "work". |
| Doing a series about family meant thinking about your own most intimate and meaningful relationships, the lives of the people who are bound most closely to you in life. | Doing a series about family meant thinking about your own most intimate and meaningful relationships, the lives of the people who are bound most closely to you in life. |
| Divorce has profoundly affected my life and the lives of millions of others. But does that mean our commitment to family has fallen apart? | Divorce has profoundly affected my life and the lives of millions of others. But does that mean our commitment to family has fallen apart? |
| If there is one thing that unites the experiences of everyone we met making these programmes, it is the simple message: family matters. | If there is one thing that unites the experiences of everyone we met making these programmes, it is the simple message: family matters. |
| Marriage crisis | Marriage crisis |
| The experience of World War II sent great ripples of change though Britain, and family and marriage were not immune from this volatility. | The experience of World War II sent great ripples of change though Britain, and family and marriage were not immune from this volatility. |
| The idea that marriage was a stabilising force in society was shaken and our sense of what family is really about was radically changed. | The idea that marriage was a stabilising force in society was shaken and our sense of what family is really about was radically changed. |
| Marriages in the 1950s were under strain | Marriages in the 1950s were under strain |
| In the aftermath of war, many British marriages were - frankly - in a bit of a state. | In the aftermath of war, many British marriages were - frankly - in a bit of a state. |
| The enforced separations of war had torn families apart and there had been a quite startling outbreak of unhappiness, adultery and collapsing marriages. | The enforced separations of war had torn families apart and there had been a quite startling outbreak of unhappiness, adultery and collapsing marriages. |
| Indeed, the BBC had even felt moved to give airtime to the Reverend David Mace, a Scottish pioneer of marriage counselling. He broadcast a series of lectures on marital life and marital strife. | Indeed, the BBC had even felt moved to give airtime to the Reverend David Mace, a Scottish pioneer of marriage counselling. He broadcast a series of lectures on marital life and marital strife. |
| "Don't let things drift on from bad to worse, and then come for help about your marriage after it has crashed in ruins at your feet," he said on the BBC Home Service. | "Don't let things drift on from bad to worse, and then come for help about your marriage after it has crashed in ruins at your feet," he said on the BBC Home Service. |
| "There isn't a minute to waste." | "There isn't a minute to waste." |
| At the heart of his little tales of troubled matrimony was a message - the fabric of the British family was in danger and we should all try our best to keep calm and carry on. | At the heart of his little tales of troubled matrimony was a message - the fabric of the British family was in danger and we should all try our best to keep calm and carry on. |
| Revolutionary message | Revolutionary message |
| But there was also recognition amongst some that good-hearted encouragement might not be enough. | But there was also recognition amongst some that good-hearted encouragement might not be enough. |
| The National Marriage Guidance Council was established and began counselling couples in the late 40s. | The National Marriage Guidance Council was established and began counselling couples in the late 40s. |
| These enthusiastic amateurs released bulletins which promoted the idea of "a relationship", a partnership based on companionship, rather than just an institution. | These enthusiastic amateurs released bulletins which promoted the idea of "a relationship", a partnership based on companionship, rather than just an institution. |
| Marriage guidance from the 1940s | Marriage guidance from the 1940s |
| This might not sound very special today but then it was rather revolutionary. | This might not sound very special today but then it was rather revolutionary. |
| Joy Ross was one of the first counsellors to provide marriage guidance to couples. "They felt they were absolutely failures, and that was the first task, to help them just [understand] that even Marriage Guidance counsellors have marriage problems." | Joy Ross was one of the first counsellors to provide marriage guidance to couples. "They felt they were absolutely failures, and that was the first task, to help them just [understand] that even Marriage Guidance counsellors have marriage problems." |
| This desire to help save rocky marriages was matched by an equally strong desire to make divorce as difficult as possible. | This desire to help save rocky marriages was matched by an equally strong desire to make divorce as difficult as possible. |
| In the 1950s, a Royal Commission investigated matrimony, divorce and the law. | In the 1950s, a Royal Commission investigated matrimony, divorce and the law. |
| The committee was hopelessly divided, with some pressing for a relaxation of the legal framework which demanded that divorce could only be granted on the grounds of matrimonial fault, adultery, cruelty or desertion for three or more years. | The committee was hopelessly divided, with some pressing for a relaxation of the legal framework which demanded that divorce could only be granted on the grounds of matrimonial fault, adultery, cruelty or desertion for three or more years. |
| Nobody knew that we weren't married, we were Mr and Mrs Anna Bloomfield pretended she was married for 20 years, even to her daughter | Nobody knew that we weren't married, we were Mr and Mrs Anna Bloomfield pretended she was married for 20 years, even to her daughter |
| Others stuck to the traditional line that divorce should be discouraged. The result was no change, which might have made the divorce figures look good but locked many people in miserable situations. | Others stuck to the traditional line that divorce should be discouraged. The result was no change, which might have made the divorce figures look good but locked many people in miserable situations. |
| Anna Bloomfield fell in love with her partner Bill in the 1950s but his first wife refused to give him a divorce. | Anna Bloomfield fell in love with her partner Bill in the 1950s but his first wife refused to give him a divorce. |
| "I knew that we couldn't get married, but I thought it would be nice for us to live together, and Bill wanted to, so that's what we did, we moved in together. I'd changed my name we'd also moved to somewhere else, so nobody knew that we weren't married, we were Mr and Mrs." | "I knew that we couldn't get married, but I thought it would be nice for us to live together, and Bill wanted to, so that's what we did, we moved in together. I'd changed my name we'd also moved to somewhere else, so nobody knew that we weren't married, we were Mr and Mrs." |
| For 20 years they lived a lie. Their daughter was 18 when she finally found out - when they were finally able to marry in 1972. | For 20 years they lived a lie. Their daughter was 18 when she finally found out - when they were finally able to marry in 1972. |
| Mr and Mrs Smith | Mr and Mrs Smith |
| Hotels, oddly, feature prominently in the seedy side of the story of marriage. | Hotels, oddly, feature prominently in the seedy side of the story of marriage. |
| It really is quite staggering to learn, as we did, that it was pretty difficult to get away for a weekend in a British hotel with your other half if you were not married. | It really is quite staggering to learn, as we did, that it was pretty difficult to get away for a weekend in a British hotel with your other half if you were not married. |
| Sure, you could do the "Mr and Mrs Smith" act but our hotel reception desks were staffed by guardians of the nation's morals, always ready to turn away those they considered a risk to their reputation. | Sure, you could do the "Mr and Mrs Smith" act but our hotel reception desks were staffed by guardians of the nation's morals, always ready to turn away those they considered a risk to their reputation. |
| Schoolgirls were taught domestic duties | Schoolgirls were taught domestic duties |
| Other hotels were less stringent and indeed became the venue for a particularly sordid little charade. | Other hotels were less stringent and indeed became the venue for a particularly sordid little charade. |
| If you wanted to break a marriage you could organise to be caught in an adulterous clinch in a hotel room. | If you wanted to break a marriage you could organise to be caught in an adulterous clinch in a hotel room. |
| Private detectives, such as Zena Scott-Archer, made a living from "catching" people at it and then testifying in divorce court cases. | Private detectives, such as Zena Scott-Archer, made a living from "catching" people at it and then testifying in divorce court cases. |
| When I talked to her, she said that "people were driven to getting evidence which wasn't really true. | When I talked to her, she said that "people were driven to getting evidence which wasn't really true. |
| "They would go to a hotel, the husband would go with another woman who wasn't his wife to the hotel, and arrange for the chambermaid to come in and see them in bed together. | "They would go to a hotel, the husband would go with another woman who wasn't his wife to the hotel, and arrange for the chambermaid to come in and see them in bed together. |
| "They weren't committing adultery but they looked as if they were. And then somebody at a later stage would go along and interview the staff and take a statement from the maid that she saw them in bed together." | "They weren't committing adultery but they looked as if they were. And then somebody at a later stage would go along and interview the staff and take a statement from the maid that she saw them in bed together." |
| No-fault divorce | No-fault divorce |
| It wasn't a high point in British social or legal affairs. | It wasn't a high point in British social or legal affairs. |
| By the mid-1960s - even though marriage itself remained popular - it was obvious that divorce was not going to go away. | By the mid-1960s - even though marriage itself remained popular - it was obvious that divorce was not going to go away. |
| There were too many suffering wives who, like my mother, were part of the first wave of women who thought: "This isn't what I want from a marriage and I'm not putting up with it." | There were too many suffering wives who, like my mother, were part of the first wave of women who thought: "This isn't what I want from a marriage and I'm not putting up with it." |
| In place of dutiful suffering, responsibility and sacrifice, they were hungry for a measure of individual self-fulfilment . | In place of dutiful suffering, responsibility and sacrifice, they were hungry for a measure of individual self-fulfilment . |
| Some couples struggled on dutifully | Some couples struggled on dutifully |
| When even the Church of England found fault in a law that forced couples into pointing the finger of blame at each other, it was clearly time for change. | When even the Church of England found fault in a law that forced couples into pointing the finger of blame at each other, it was clearly time for change. |
| The 1969 Divorce Reform Act has had as deep a social impact as any of the big liberal reform acts of the 1960s. | The 1969 Divorce Reform Act has had as deep a social impact as any of the big liberal reform acts of the 1960s. |
| Fault was removed from divorce and many people were able to get out of marriages that just were not working. | Fault was removed from divorce and many people were able to get out of marriages that just were not working. |
| Since that time Britain has regularly topped the European league tables for divorce rates. | Since that time Britain has regularly topped the European league tables for divorce rates. |
| The National Marriage Guidance Council is long gone but modern relationship advice services such as the charity Relate can trace their roots back to its origins more than 60 years ago and at least some of its advice still resonates today. | The National Marriage Guidance Council is long gone but modern relationship advice services such as the charity Relate can trace their roots back to its origins more than 60 years ago and at least some of its advice still resonates today. |
| "Our real enemy, in the battle for good family life, is not, as is often supposed, divorce. The real enemy is the mediocre marriage - these dull, dreary unions, in which all vitality has died." | "Our real enemy, in the battle for good family life, is not, as is often supposed, divorce. The real enemy is the mediocre marriage - these dull, dreary unions, in which all vitality has died." |
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| The BBC may edit your comments and not all emails will be published. Your comments may be published on any BBC media worldwide. Terms & Conditions | The BBC may edit your comments and not all emails will be published. Your comments may be published on any BBC media worldwide. Terms & Conditions |