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| Version 0 | Version 1 |
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| What not to say on school places | What not to say on school places |
| (31 minutes later) | |
| Less can be more when it comes to getting good news | Less can be more when it comes to getting good news |
| More than half a million families in England are finding out whether their children have got the secondary school places they wanted. | More than half a million families in England are finding out whether their children have got the secondary school places they wanted. |
| It's an anxious moment for parents. Is it going to be a happy ending or disappointment? Is it going to be sharing good news or putting on a brave face? | |
| The schoolgate becomes a diplomatic minefield. Some parents are feeling huge waves of relief while others have very bruised feelings. | The schoolgate becomes a diplomatic minefield. Some parents are feeling huge waves of relief while others have very bruised feelings. |
| It's not a good time to say the wrong thing. | It's not a good time to say the wrong thing. |
| CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM | CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM |
| 1) "Have you heard our fantastic news?" | 1) "Have you heard our fantastic news?" |
| You've got the result. It's the outcome you were hoping for - a place at that ambitious, high-achieving, superbly-equipped school up the road. It's a rather smug feeling of mutual self-approval. | You've got the result. It's the outcome you were hoping for - a place at that ambitious, high-achieving, superbly-equipped school up the road. It's a rather smug feeling of mutual self-approval. |
| But it's schoolgate poison to assume that everyone wants to share your good news. There are other people who are deeply unhappy with the place they've been given. This could be a party popper at a funeral moment. | But it's schoolgate poison to assume that everyone wants to share your good news. There are other people who are deeply unhappy with the place they've been given. This could be a party popper at a funeral moment. |
| Across the country, about one in five families won't get their first preference school - and in some cities this will rise to one in three. | Across the country, about one in five families won't get their first preference school - and in some cities this will rise to one in three. |
| THE GIFT OF TIMING | THE GIFT OF TIMING |
| 2) "At least we didn't end up at..." | 2) "At least we didn't end up at..." |
| Don't go there. Because that's exactly where their child will be going. There's some cruel law of conversation that the place you're about to write off will be the place where the other person's child will be starting in September. | Don't go there. Because that's exactly where their child will be going. There's some cruel law of conversation that the place you're about to write off will be the place where the other person's child will be starting in September. |
| There might be all kinds of headlines about "challenging" and "underachieving" schools at the bottom of the league tables, but someone's children are going there. | There might be all kinds of headlines about "challenging" and "underachieving" schools at the bottom of the league tables, but someone's children are going there. |
| There are still about 250 secondary schools below the "national challenge" threshold of at least 30% of pupils getting five good GCSEs including English and maths. | There are still about 250 secondary schools below the "national challenge" threshold of at least 30% of pupils getting five good GCSEs including English and maths. |
| DAMNING WITH FAINT PRAISE | DAMNING WITH FAINT PRAISE |
| 3) "I'm sure she'll be very happy there." | 3) "I'm sure she'll be very happy there." |
| Aaaagh. This translates as: "It's a pity she didn't get in where you obviously would have preferred." | Aaaagh. This translates as: "It's a pity she didn't get in where you obviously would have preferred." |
| It also carries a distinct whiff of patronising the aggrieved party. It implies that this poor child is going to be happy with something that everyone else knows is a bit rubbish. | It also carries a distinct whiff of patronising the aggrieved party. It implies that this poor child is going to be happy with something that everyone else knows is a bit rubbish. |
| PARTING OF THE WAYS | PARTING OF THE WAYS |
| 4) "I'm sure they'll keep in touch when they leave." | 4) "I'm sure they'll keep in touch when they leave." |
| As in, your child is going to be stuck in that sink school, but mine is going to that all-conquering academy with its own heli-pad, film studio and Olympic swimming pool. Maybe they can e-mail. | As in, your child is going to be stuck in that sink school, but mine is going to that all-conquering academy with its own heli-pad, film studio and Olympic swimming pool. Maybe they can e-mail. |
| Among the stresses of the school admissions process is the break-up of friendship groups. There's nowhere on the form to say "All his friends are going there." | Among the stresses of the school admissions process is the break-up of friendship groups. There's nowhere on the form to say "All his friends are going there." |
| TESTING TIMES | TESTING TIMES |
| 5) "Not everyone's academic." | 5) "Not everyone's academic." |
| Just pour a little more petrol on the fire and stand well back. There are still more than 160 schools which select on ability - and many others where there are tests and assessments as part of the application process. | Just pour a little more petrol on the fire and stand well back. There are still more than 160 schools which select on ability - and many others where there are tests and assessments as part of the application process. |
| Not getting a place in an academic school is a sensitive subject for parents. Tread carefully before going down the road of "everyone's different". | Not getting a place in an academic school is a sensitive subject for parents. Tread carefully before going down the road of "everyone's different". |
| Local schools are often seen in terms of a pecking order - and it's a characteristic of the English school system that the more academic schools are seen as top of the pile, while vocationally-strong schools are seen as less desirable. | Local schools are often seen in terms of a pecking order - and it's a characteristic of the English school system that the more academic schools are seen as top of the pile, while vocationally-strong schools are seen as less desirable. |
| TAKING POSITIVES | TAKING POSITIVES |
| 6) "I've heard the new head is really going to turn the place around." | 6) "I've heard the new head is really going to turn the place around." |
| This is thinly-disguised code for an educational rescue operation taking place in a disaster zone. Their child is going somewhere that can only improve... once the police have secured the perimeter. | This is thinly-disguised code for an educational rescue operation taking place in a disaster zone. Their child is going somewhere that can only improve... once the police have secured the perimeter. |
| It's a way of sounding optimistic about a "difficult" result. It's in the tradition of football managers "taking positives" out of a home drubbing. | It's a way of sounding optimistic about a "difficult" result. It's in the tradition of football managers "taking positives" out of a home drubbing. |
| See also: "I've heard the sports facilities are second to none." | See also: "I've heard the sports facilities are second to none." |
| GOING PRIVATE | GOING PRIVATE |
| 7) "Will you be going private?" | 7) "Will you be going private?" |
| A tricky conversation. Going to a private school might be an option if you've got the money. But it's an expensive option and there can be ideological sensitivities to observe. | A tricky conversation. Going to a private school might be an option if you've got the money. But it's an expensive option and there can be ideological sensitivities to observe. |
| And if you're going to flash the cash to avoid a school place you don't think is good enough, make sure you're not sharing this information with someone who is about to send their child to the school you're trying to avoid. | And if you're going to flash the cash to avoid a school place you don't think is good enough, make sure you're not sharing this information with someone who is about to send their child to the school you're trying to avoid. |
| See also: "We were lucky to have somewhere on our doorstep." Yes, extremely lucky you could spend half a million quid buying a doorstep outside the school gates. | See also: "We were lucky to have somewhere on our doorstep." Yes, extremely lucky you could spend half a million quid buying a doorstep outside the school gates. |
| BEST OF A BAD JOB | BEST OF A BAD JOB |
| 8) "Better make the best of it." | 8) "Better make the best of it." |
| This stoic attitude means getting on with what fate, or in this case the postman, has delivered. But don't try this approach on someone determined to overturn a school place decision. They are already out in their front garden with a digital tape measure to see if the distance ruling was accurate. And why is it always about how crows fly? How did they get a monopoly on direct flight? | This stoic attitude means getting on with what fate, or in this case the postman, has delivered. But don't try this approach on someone determined to overturn a school place decision. They are already out in their front garden with a digital tape measure to see if the distance ruling was accurate. And why is it always about how crows fly? How did they get a monopoly on direct flight? |
| For those unhappy with a decision, there is an appeals process, oversubscribed schools have waiting lists and there are law firms moving into this territory. | For those unhappy with a decision, there is an appeals process, oversubscribed schools have waiting lists and there are law firms moving into this territory. |
| BIRDS OF A FEATHER | BIRDS OF A FEATHER |
| 9) "I'm sure he'll find a friend there." | 9) "I'm sure he'll find a friend there." |
| This means: "How the hell is he going to fit in there?" | This means: "How the hell is he going to fit in there?" |
| The school applications process brings out some deep-seated tribal instincts - with a kind of social flocking process happening each year. All kinds of private conservations take place about whether a school is "right". Will there be other children who are similar? Or will they stand out like a sore thumb? | The school applications process brings out some deep-seated tribal instincts - with a kind of social flocking process happening each year. All kinds of private conservations take place about whether a school is "right". Will there be other children who are similar? Or will they stand out like a sore thumb? |
| These questions about identity - including class, race and religion - are bubbling away below the surface when people look at where their children will be spending their formative secondary school years. | These questions about identity - including class, race and religion - are bubbling away below the surface when people look at where their children will be spending their formative secondary school years. |
| AND FINALLY | AND FINALLY |
| 10) "It's not quite what we were hoping for, but..." | 10) "It's not quite what we were hoping for, but..." |
| The toughest conversation of all if you've been disappointed is with your son or daughter. How do you keep them motivated for their new school if the mood music is already about failure? | The toughest conversation of all if you've been disappointed is with your son or daughter. How do you keep them motivated for their new school if the mood music is already about failure? |
| The commitment and support of parents is going to be vital to how well a child achieves in secondary school. Not least because you're going to be doing all their homework for them. Maybe with a little help from Professor Google. | The commitment and support of parents is going to be vital to how well a child achieves in secondary school. Not least because you're going to be doing all their homework for them. Maybe with a little help from Professor Google. |
| Do you have any advice to share on what not to say? | Do you have any advice to share on what not to say? |
| The BBC may edit your comments and not all emails will be published. Your comments may be published on any BBC media worldwide. Terms & Conditions | The BBC may edit your comments and not all emails will be published. Your comments may be published on any BBC media worldwide. Terms & Conditions |