By Yasmeen Khan Since when did skin shade, religion and the prospect of living with your in-laws become a concern for educated, career women looking for Mr Right? For British Asian females, who are facing a shrinking pool of eligible men, Bridget Jones had it easy.
By Yasmeen Khan Since when did skin shade, religion and the prospect of living with your in-laws become a concern for educated, career women looking for Mr Right? For British Asian females, who are facing a shrinking pool of eligible men, Bridget Jones had it easy.
I can personally vouch that for every miserable, white Bridget Jones singleton out there, there is a brown Bridget having a worse time.
I can personally vouch that for every miserable, white Bridget Jones singleton out there, there is a brown Bridget having a worse time.
Many young British Asian women, be they Muslim, Sikh or Hindu, are struggling to find a life partner. Alongside their white peers they have delayed marriage, putting education and careers first.
Many young British Asian women, be they Muslim, Sikh or Hindu, are struggling to find a life partner. Alongside their white peers they have delayed marriage, putting education and careers first.
Brown Bridgets, however, have more to moan about, working around religious and cultural limits leaves them with a small pond to fish in when it comes to finding their Mr Right.
Brown Bridgets, however, have more to moan about, working around religious and cultural limits leaves them with a small pond to fish in when it comes to finding their Mr Right.
More Asian women are focusing on education and careersSamina (not her real name) is 32-year-old lawyer in Manchester and her experiences are typical of many Asian women.
More Asian women are focusing on education and careersSamina (not her real name) is 32-year-old lawyer in Manchester and her experiences are typical of many Asian women.
"My friend Sarah is white and we're both around the same age and single," she says. "But the difference is I want to find someone of the same faith, so I have a much smaller choice of men."
"My friend Sarah is white and we're both around the same age and single," she says. "But the difference is I want to find someone of the same faith, so I have a much smaller choice of men."
It's not just religion that Samina has to contend with.
It's not just religion that Samina has to contend with.
"A lot of Asian men want you to move into their parental home, some because they love living at home and being looked after, some because in Asian culture it's the son's duty to look after ageing parents.
"A lot of Asian men want you to move into their parental home, some because they love living at home and being looked after, some because in Asian culture it's the son's duty to look after ageing parents.
"I'm independent and successful and it's daunting to think I might have to up sticks and move to another town to move in with my in-laws as soon as I'm married."
"I'm independent and successful and it's daunting to think I might have to up sticks and move to another town to move in with my in-laws as soon as I'm married."
Matchmakers
Matchmakers
Statistics seem to be against Asian women too. The last census showed that more British Asian men are marrying outside of their ethnic group than British Asian women.
Statistics seem to be against Asian women too. The last census showed that more British Asian men are marrying outside of their ethnic group than British Asian women.
For Asian men the option to "marry out" is made easier by the fact that it is culturally, and in some cases religiously, less frowned upon to choose a partner outside of their faith than it is for Asian women.
For Asian men the option to "marry out" is made easier by the fact that it is culturally, and in some cases religiously, less frowned upon to choose a partner outside of their faith than it is for Asian women.
Other men choose to marry a partner from their parents country of origin. In 2005 the government recorded just over 10,000 women coming to the UK from India, Pakistan and Bangladesh as part of a marriage.
Other men choose to marry a partner from their parents country of origin. In 2005 the government recorded just over 10,000 women coming to the UK from India, Pakistan and Bangladesh as part of a marriage.
Yasmeen Khan, who is herself, looking for a partnerWhatever the reasons are for marrying a woman from "back home", it leaves an even smaller pool of men for British Asian women to fish in.
Yasmeen Khan has seen how difficult the dating game isWhatever the reasons are for marrying a woman from "back home", it leaves an even smaller pool of men for British Asian women to fish in.
In the scramble to find the perfect Asian husband, women are using every tool available to them.
In the scramble to find the perfect Asian husband, women are using every tool available to them.
The choice ranges from looking for love online to matrimonial matchmakers - people within the community who bring suitable matches together, whether it's through family or through organised events.
The choice ranges from looking for love online to matrimonial matchmakers - people within the community who bring suitable matches together, whether it's through family or through organised events.
Another option is the traditional parental route, where parents introduce their son or daughter to a prospective match with family present.
Another option is the traditional parental route, where parents introduce their son or daughter to a prospective match with family present.
It can be successful and some do meet the man or woman of their dreams in their mother's living room over a nice cup of tea. However, a parent's idea of a suitable boy or girl can of course be very different to what their offspring has in mind.
It can be successful and some do meet the man or woman of their dreams in their mother's living room over a nice cup of tea. However, a parent's idea of a suitable boy or girl can of course be very different to what their offspring has in mind.
For young British Asian Maha Khan, setting up an Asian speed dating company was an obvious move.
For young British Asian Maha Khan, setting up an Asian speed dating company was an obvious move.
'Shade-ism'
'Shade-ism'
"Successful, career-focussed Asian women want to find their equal," she says. "But because they don't always socialise in Asian-only groups they don't easily come across the right man.
"Successful, career-focussed Asian women want to find their equal," she says. "But because they don't always socialise in Asian-only groups they don't easily come across the right man.
"I realised there was a huge demand for a platform to bring Asian singles of the same religion together in an environment that didn't need to involve the whole family.
"I realised there was a huge demand for a platform to bring Asian singles of the same religion together in an environment that didn't need to involve the whole family.
"Our first speed dating event four years ago in London attracted over 150 professional Asian singles. We went on to organise events in bars and restaurants in other cities including Birmingham and Manchester."
"Our first speed dating event four years ago in London attracted over 150 professional Asian singles. We went on to organise events in bars and restaurants in other cities including Birmingham and Manchester."
Some are 'marrying out'But some online dating sites reveal the extent of the problem Asian women face, with great emphasis on appearance, and in particular, complexion.
Some are 'marrying out'But some online dating sites reveal the extent of the problem Asian women face, with great emphasis on appearance, and in particular, complexion.
In Asian culture, skin-shade snobbery is rife, with the general consensus the browner you are, the less desirable.
In Asian culture, skin-shade snobbery is rife, with the general consensus the browner you are, the less desirable.
One website offers a drop-down menu of skin shades. "Wheatish" appears to be one of the most common categories, with a choice of "wheathish", "wheatish medium" or "wheatish brown".
One website offers a drop-down menu of skin shades. "Wheatish" appears to be one of the most common categories, with a choice of "wheathish", "wheatish medium" or "wheatish brown".
Despite the many challenges, including shade-ism, that British Asian women face, many find suitable partners and enjoy happy marriages. As we're still in the first generation of well-educated, career-minded Asian women who have delayed marriage, drawing any conclusions about what will happen to those who don't is difficult.
Despite the many challenges, including shade-ism, that British Asian women face, many find suitable partners and enjoy happy marriages. As we're still in the first generation of well-educated, career-minded Asian women who have delayed marriage, drawing any conclusions about what will happen to those who don't is difficult.
'Cultural clashes'
'Cultural clashes'
A recent Muslim matrimonial event held in London offered a glimpse into the current climate. The male host asked: "How many women in the room today would be willing to move in with their in-laws after marriage?"
A recent Muslim matrimonial event held in London offered a glimpse into the current climate. The male host asked: "How many women in the room today would be willing to move in with their in-laws after marriage?"
A 33-year-old government analyst next to me sighed and put up her hand, swiftly followed by other women in the room. She later explained: "It's not something I want to do, but if I want to get married it looks like I have to consider it."
A 33-year-old government analyst next to me sighed and put up her hand, swiftly followed by other women in the room. She later explained: "It's not something I want to do, but if I want to get married it looks like I have to consider it."
But while compromise is the option for some, other cultural shifts are emerging.
But while compromise is the option for some, other cultural shifts are emerging.
It's more acceptable for men to 'marry out'"We've started to notice a few more Asian women marrying outside of their own cultures," says Sat Bhatti, partner in wedding planning company OccAsianZ. "In fact, we recently organised the weddings of two Sikh women who married white men.
It's more acceptable for men to 'marry out'"We've started to notice a few more Asian women marrying outside of their own cultures," says Sat Bhatti, partner in wedding planning company OccAsianZ. "In fact, we recently organised the weddings of two Sikh women who married white men.
"But you tend to only see this in cities where Asian communities are more liberal. Outside of London, for example, a mixed marriage is still a big deal."
"But you tend to only see this in cities where Asian communities are more liberal. Outside of London, for example, a mixed marriage is still a big deal."
While "marrying out" offers a new avenue, some women are still wary because of the cultural clashes that a mixed union can bring.
While "marrying out" offers a new avenue, some women are still wary because of the cultural clashes that a mixed union can bring.
Surprisingly, it was a first generation British Asian mother who recently offered some Bridget Jones-like idealistic insight that got straight to the heart of the matter.
Surprisingly, it was a first generation British Asian mother who recently offered some Bridget Jones-like idealistic insight that got straight to the heart of the matter.
"There's nothing wrong with a nice white boy, as long as he likes curry I'm sure it could work," she said.
"There's nothing wrong with a nice white boy, as long as he likes curry I'm sure it could work," she said.
Add your comments on this story, using the form below.
Add your comments on this story, using the form below.
