White House digested: when Obama met Cameron

http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/mar/14/when-obama-met-cameron-digested

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Cameron: Come on babes, hurry up with the packing. We've got to go now.

SamCam: It's all right for you. All you have to do is throw a couple of your XXL Ralph Lauren Polo shirts and the Levi's Clarkson gave you for Christmas into a case and you're done. It's a lot harder for me. I've got to be super stylish.

Cameron: You always are to me, babes. Now do get a bend on. It's the holiday of a lifetime and we don't want to miss the plane.

SamCam: But I haven't stayed with many black people before.

Cameron: Just chill. I met a black person in Plymouth once. He was just like us, really. Though with a lot less money, obvs.

SamCam: Obvs.

Cameron: Why are you taking an empty bag?

SamCam: My sis asked me to grab her the soaps and the shampoos from the White House and Air Force One. She also wants me to get Damian Lewis's autograph. She's got a thing about Old Etonians.

Cameron: You and her both, babes! Don't forget, I also want you to chat up Richard Branson.

SamCam: But he's so common – and old.

Cameron: I know, I know. But he's rebuilding his villa on Necker and it would be great to have a holiday there with Kate Winslet.

Obama: Welcome to the United States of America, Mr Prime Minister.

Cameron: And very nice to see you too, Barry! It's good of you to put on a much more lavish show for us than you did for that old duffer, Gordo.

Obama: Well, the thing is you're both so posh, it's almost like having a state visit from the Queen.

SamCam: Just for the record, I'm probably a little posher than the Queen.

Obama: And it's also an election year over here and my aides tell me it will do my ratings no harm to be seen hanging around with you and a few other Limey celebs.

Cameron: Bloody hell, Barry. You must be in even bigger trouble than me.

Obama: You'd better believe it …

Cameron: So what would you like to talk about first?

Obama: I guess we should start with Afghanistan.

SamCam: Must we? It's just so totes dull and depressing.

Cameron: Don't worry, babes. It won't take long. You run off and unpack and chat to Michelle about Lagos fashion week and Barry and I will get the boring stuff out of the way.

Obama: So what are we going to do about them troublesome A-rab dudes?

Cameron: What we were always going to do, old boy. We withdraw the troops ASAbloodyP and tell the rest of the world that it's mission accomplished and we've restored democracy to that shithole.

Obama: Even if we haven't?

Cameron: Duh! We were never going to do that, were we? But if we just say we did our best no one will care one way or the other within a few weeks. In any case, the body count has got to go down once your lot bugger off home. Now that's enough of all this serious shit for now. Let's get on down and party.

Cameron's mobile phone rings.

Rebekah Brooks: Dave! Thank God I've got hold of you. You won't believe what's happened … Charlie and I have been arrested for perverting the course of justice.

Cameron: It's a very bad line … I can't really hear you.

Brooks: Dave?

Cameron: I'm sorry. I didn't catch any of that. Must be a wrong number. Goodbye.

SamCam: Who was that?

Cameron: Bex.

SamCam: Fab. How is she? Is she going to make it over for the banquet tomorrow?

Cameron: Er … I don't think so. She's in a spot of bother with the Old Bill.

SamCam: How awful! Especially when she's got the new baby.

Cameron: No need to worry about the baby, babes. Social services can always drop by to check it's OK.

SamCam: I thought you'd dismantled the social services?

Cameron: So I have. I'd completely forgotten about that …

Obama: Are you ready? The chopper flying us on down to Ohio for the basketball game is leaving any minute.

Cameron: Yo! Give us a high five, bro! I'm really down with these hoops, innit? Standard!

SamCam: You're hilairs, Dave. I love the way you can get on with absolutely anyone.

Obama: What's wrong with these people? Do you wanna dawg?

Cameron: A what? Oh, yes please! But only if there's someone to photograph me looking common eating it.

SamCam: Well, that was a godawful day, Dave! While you were off at the netball, I had to hang around with Michelle watching some dreary kids in a sports hall. I didn't even have a moment to go shopping in Saks or catch up with the last series of House. And when I did get to watch a bit of TV, it was an old episode of Downton sodding Abbey.

Cameron: But you looked gorge, babe. Totally outshone Michelle. And that's all that really counts. Besides, tomorrow is the really big day …

Cameron's phone rings.

Osborne: Ah, Cams, I've got you. Thing is, I've been thinking a bit and I reckon it could really help if I fly over to Washington to talk about the economy and shit.

Cameron: As if, Ozzy. You just don't want to miss out on all the fun, do you?

Osborne: Er, that's got nothing to do with it, Cams, and well you know it. BTW, oiky Hague wants to come over and chat about Syria.

Cameron: He doesn't even know where it is …

Osborne: And Theresa May also wants an invitation …

Cameron: No …

Osborne: She's threatening to deport anyone the Yanks want.

Cameron: I'll have a chat to Barry about Vince Cable.

Osborne: Worst of all, the Cleggster's kicking off …

Cameron: What's he want? I left him with his great-auntie Shirley as a babysitter.

Obama: Good morning, guys. I hope you both slept well. Now I hate to be a killjoy, but we really need to talk about Iran.

Cameron: There's nothing to talk about, Barry. Either the Israelis nuke them or we do. End of story. Now stop being such a downer. How about you and I have a game of tennis or something while the girls go out shopping and get their hair done …

SamCam: Look out the window, Dave! There's a sodding great tent on the lawn.

Cameron: That's where we're having the banquet, babes.

SamCam: You've got to be kidding me! Dinner in a tent? These colonials are so quaint. Why couldn't they just open up another wing for the night? Mummy always does when she has guests.

Cameron: When in Rome …

Hague: So that's where everyone is.

SamCam: And do put on your best DJ, Dave. Apparently some of the natives thought you were a bit too caj last night.

Cameron: Well, if I may say so, babe, you look the biz. You rock.

SamCam: You bet. Can't wait to dance with George Clooney. Shame we couldn't swing it to get Coldplay over, but it was a stroke of genius to get the Mumfords. It's so hard to know what to say to anyone who hasn't been to public school.

Cameron: Come on, I'd better introduce you to one or two people. Do you fancy meeting Rory McIlroy?

SamCam: He's not the plebby, curly-haired golfer, is he? Certainly not!

Cameron: How about Jonathan Ive?

SamCam: I suppose I could ask him to mend my iPod. It's lost all my Adele.

Cameron: Ah, look … Here's Hugh Bonneville.

SamCam: Hugh, darling! So good to see a friendly face! I just loved you in Downton. In fact, I watched you trying to get off with one of your servants last night.

Bonneville: Yes, um, where was I?

SamCam: So tell me, Hughie. What's going to happen in the next series? You going to get off with anyone else?

Obama: Excuse me, laydeez and gentlemen. May I just say how wonderful it is to have you Brits in town to celebrate the fact that both our foreign policies are in tatters and our economies are going down the toilet …

SamCam: Oh, Dave. This is the best holiday ever. Thank you so much.

Cameron: Love you too, babes. Nothing can spoil a night like tonight.

Brooks: Want a bet?