Coalition duo out of the rose garden and into the tractor factory

http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/may/08/coalition-cameron-clegg-speech

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Almost exactly two years after their fateful tryst in the Downing Street rose garden, David Cameron and Nick Clegg are sick and tired of people likening their coalition knee-trembler to a marriage. Politically speaking, they're not even engaged. And, if they were, they'd be dividing up the CDs after last week's election battering.

Where better to shake off the taint of matrimonial metaphor and renew their alliance on a more business-like footing than in Basildon? No one goes on honeymoon to Basildon. Southend perhaps, but not to the 60s new town, home patch of the legendary reality TV show, The Only Way is Essex. So Essex it was.

Just to be on the safe side and eradicate the last vestigial scent of the rose garden romance (how could they have behaved that way on a first date?), their minders dispatched the pair to the thriving, Fiat-owned New Holland factory where they assemble 26,000 tractors a year, mostly for export. If only all Britain could be like this!

The macho, male-dominated backdrop thus provided for the Cameron-Clegg anniversary speeches, plus Q&A, was strangely evocative of the Soviet era of heroic five-year tractor plans and targets regularly smashed, at least on paper.

The bonus was that the coalition has a five-year plan too – one to eliminate the structural budget deficit (at least on paper) bequeathed by the bankers bust or, in coalition-speak, by New Labour.

It is actually more like a six- or seven-year plan now, Clegg conceded to his respectful but restrained audience on the works floor, where noisy work was going on not far away.

This was meant to demonstrate that the Liberal Democrat half of the coalition can be as caring and flexible as President Hollande – Clegg is half Dutch himself – of France promises to be.

Cameron didn't agree, but then again he didn't disagree on principle, as many Tory MPs and most activists would. So that was one test passed.

When Dave spoke Nick would say "all I would add".

When Nick spoke Dave would say "I agree with that" and "absolutely right" if he could without annoying John Redwood.

"Of course I would love to be running a Conservatives-only government. And Nick would love to run a Lib Dem," he said to the man who asked if they didn't cancel each other's good ideas out. It was tough, they both agreed, tough but worth the effort to pay down UK PLC's credit card, reform all sorts of things and get chauffeur-driven cars (I made that last bit up).

Someone had clearly told Cameron to keep mentioning immigration controls in Essex, so he did. Clegg kept emphasising his efforts on behalf of low-income families: he cares about it even more than Lords reform. Cameron mentioned welfare reform, which may be shrewder in Basildon.

It wasn't brilliant or very newsworthy, but then they didn't hit each other either. Nor did their hosts take the opportunity to give them a pasting. A Tony Blair masochism strategy session this was not. More like a gentle bout of coalition Pilates, as in Pontius Pilates.

The body language was more formal and remote, no matey jokes like 2010. Older, sadder and wiser, they were there to demonstrate that they get voter concerns about petrol prices and school standards (Basildon's troubled academies are front page news in the Echo), manufacturing and help for remote regions (Essex?).

Cameron took his jacket off and sipped from the half pint glasses of water – gin? – provided by management. The DPM remained buttoned up and, as ever, more earnest while the PM looked on as if he was sizing up Mr Clegg of the HR department for a promotion. Both gestured a lot with their hands, the desk worker's equivalent of manual labour. If the performance was uninspiring, the questions were sharper. Apprenticeships, export markets (is Hollande good news or bad?), the Olympics, even the Bank of England's quantitative easing (QE) policies which made Clegg squeal: "Ooh, we are not allowed to talk about that." He then did, so Dave did too.

What did the Essex men think of their visitors? Probably what the rank and file usually think when a couple of posh blokes with clean fingernails and suits come from London to give them a pep talk of the kind they've heard before.

There was little sense of emotional connection, even Boris Johnson would have struggled to clinch that.

But at least they didn't announce that tractor production isn't moving to Poland.