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Simon Hoggart's week: the wet cliche that made me turn off the jubilee Simon Hoggart's week: the wet cliche that made me turn off the jubilee
(3 days later)
✒I didn't catch much of the royal jubilee coverage, though I could see why some people – or at least the anti-BBC tabloids – loathed it. It's part of the One Showisation of BBC1, the belief that viewers have the attention span of goldfish and must be constantly distracted by celebrities and trivia, such as jubilee sickbags. (But you know that the Beeb will never please some. If they managed to bring back Richard Dimbleby, they'd be whining about a pompous old windbag who failed to reflect the fun and jollity of the occasion.)✒I didn't catch much of the royal jubilee coverage, though I could see why some people – or at least the anti-BBC tabloids – loathed it. It's part of the One Showisation of BBC1, the belief that viewers have the attention span of goldfish and must be constantly distracted by celebrities and trivia, such as jubilee sickbags. (But you know that the Beeb will never please some. If they managed to bring back Richard Dimbleby, they'd be whining about a pompous old windbag who failed to reflect the fun and jollity of the occasion.)
What got me down was the endless, ruthless perkiness. I watched for 20 minutes on Sunday and finally switched off at the third use of that infuriatingly perky cliche about how the rain had failed to dampen anyone's spirits. I yearned for a morose reporter who would reflect the essential wetness of the occasion. "Well, Sophie, I'm here in the village of Piddlewick, where to be frank it's a complete washout. As you can see, everyone has fled the street party to get drunk indoors, or watch Riders of Vengeance on Channel 5. Here's an abandoned Victoria sponge with union jack icing – it's a soggy mess now – someone really did leave this cake out in the rain. So, all in all, a miserable apology for festivities here …" It would have made a change.What got me down was the endless, ruthless perkiness. I watched for 20 minutes on Sunday and finally switched off at the third use of that infuriatingly perky cliche about how the rain had failed to dampen anyone's spirits. I yearned for a morose reporter who would reflect the essential wetness of the occasion. "Well, Sophie, I'm here in the village of Piddlewick, where to be frank it's a complete washout. As you can see, everyone has fled the street party to get drunk indoors, or watch Riders of Vengeance on Channel 5. Here's an abandoned Victoria sponge with union jack icing – it's a soggy mess now – someone really did leave this cake out in the rain. So, all in all, a miserable apology for festivities here …" It would have made a change.
✒And the Monday night concert was, I thought, painful. All those comedians making oh-so-daring yet horribly bland jokes about the royals. (Rob Brydon cracked two based on the fact "queen" can also mean "gay man".) And it's nice to see all these rock'n'roll geezers from our youth; it's just that they can't sing any more, and shouldn't do it in public. Elton John, purveyor of kitsch by royal appointment, was the worst. In the same way it would be great to see Gordon Banks and Geoff Hurst again, but we wouldn't want them playing in the England team next week.✒And the Monday night concert was, I thought, painful. All those comedians making oh-so-daring yet horribly bland jokes about the royals. (Rob Brydon cracked two based on the fact "queen" can also mean "gay man".) And it's nice to see all these rock'n'roll geezers from our youth; it's just that they can't sing any more, and shouldn't do it in public. Elton John, purveyor of kitsch by royal appointment, was the worst. In the same way it would be great to see Gordon Banks and Geoff Hurst again, but we wouldn't want them playing in the England team next week.
✒Most of the weekend I spent at the Hay festival, where I bumped into Boris Johnson. I said I'd enjoyed his private comment about how his campaign had survived rain, snow, the BBC "and even the endorsement of David Cameron". He gave a sort of Borisovian harrumph, neither a confirmation nor a denial. But next day, his outgoing spokesman, Guto Harri, who was chairing my session, not only confirmed that he'd said it, but that he had texted it to Cameron too. This could be one of the great political rivalries, making Blair v Brown or Miliband v Miliband look like minor spats over a game of Scrabble.✒Most of the weekend I spent at the Hay festival, where I bumped into Boris Johnson. I said I'd enjoyed his private comment about how his campaign had survived rain, snow, the BBC "and even the endorsement of David Cameron". He gave a sort of Borisovian harrumph, neither a confirmation nor a denial. But next day, his outgoing spokesman, Guto Harri, who was chairing my session, not only confirmed that he'd said it, but that he had texted it to Cameron too. This could be one of the great political rivalries, making Blair v Brown or Miliband v Miliband look like minor spats over a game of Scrabble.
✒Helena Kennedy was on a panel which was asked, among more solemn questions, what made them laugh. She said her mother always had her in stitches. Once she was ill, Helena had visited and said that she was in Glasgow to address a conference on sexual harassment. Her aunt, standing by the bed, had said that she'd been on a bus, and a man had actually put his hand up her skirt. "Oh," said her mother, fascinated, "was that the skirt you bought in the Jaeger sale?"✒Helena Kennedy was on a panel which was asked, among more solemn questions, what made them laugh. She said her mother always had her in stitches. Once she was ill, Helena had visited and said that she was in Glasgow to address a conference on sexual harassment. Her aunt, standing by the bed, had said that she'd been on a bus, and a man had actually put his hand up her skirt. "Oh," said her mother, fascinated, "was that the skirt you bought in the Jaeger sale?"
✒Harry Belafonte was there, and was worked extremely hard. He was affecting. As a young immigrant from Jamaica, he had got a job as an assistant janitor in New York to earn a crust while trying to make it as an actor. He'd landed a part in an all-black production of Lysistrata, but had to give it up because he was needed to empty trash cans. The part went to another Caribbean unknown called Sidney Poitier. ✒Harry Belafonte was there, and was worked extremely hard. He was affecting. He had got a job as an assistant janitor in New York to earn a crust while trying to make it as an actor. He'd landed a part in an all-black production of Lysistrata, but had to give it up because he was needed to empty trash cans. The part went to another Caribbean unknown called Sidney Poitier.
The show was a disaster and lasted three performances, but one night a casting team from Hollywood turned up, and they chose Poitier who became, probably, the first star black actor. "And when I meet him now, I always remind him that his career was founded on garbage."The show was a disaster and lasted three performances, but one night a casting team from Hollywood turned up, and they chose Poitier who became, probably, the first star black actor. "And when I meet him now, I always remind him that his career was founded on garbage."
Belafonte also recalled a visit from JFK near the start of his run for the presidency. The Banana Boat Song ("Day-oh") in 1957 had already made him an international star, and Kennedy wanted his endorsement. Belafonte crisply told him that nothing he had said showed any understanding of the way black Americans suffered. Kennedy got the message and used his influence to get an also largely unknown Martin Luther King off an absurd traffic offence in Georgia; he'd been sentenced to join a chain gang, doubtless as a warning to other "uppity nigras". After that, Belafonte came on board, and in an incredibly close election could have had a huge influence.Belafonte also recalled a visit from JFK near the start of his run for the presidency. The Banana Boat Song ("Day-oh") in 1957 had already made him an international star, and Kennedy wanted his endorsement. Belafonte crisply told him that nothing he had said showed any understanding of the way black Americans suffered. Kennedy got the message and used his influence to get an also largely unknown Martin Luther King off an absurd traffic offence in Georgia; he'd been sentenced to join a chain gang, doubtless as a warning to other "uppity nigras". After that, Belafonte came on board, and in an incredibly close election could have had a huge influence.
✒I paid a flying visit to Martin Krajewski, a British vigneron in Bordeaux, at his wonderful Château de Sours. I learned a lot, not least how to catch frogs for the table. As we listened to a barrage of amphibian ribbits from the pond, Martin's winemaker, Xavier, said that what you did was put a bit of Kleenex tissue on a fishing hook. The frogs think the tissue is a fly, and can be reeled in to have their spines snapped and legs chopped off. But, he said, perhaps a little ruefully, nearly all the frogs' legs you find in France now are imported from Vietnam.✒I paid a flying visit to Martin Krajewski, a British vigneron in Bordeaux, at his wonderful Château de Sours. I learned a lot, not least how to catch frogs for the table. As we listened to a barrage of amphibian ribbits from the pond, Martin's winemaker, Xavier, said that what you did was put a bit of Kleenex tissue on a fishing hook. The frogs think the tissue is a fly, and can be reeled in to have their spines snapped and legs chopped off. But, he said, perhaps a little ruefully, nearly all the frogs' legs you find in France now are imported from Vietnam.
✒Nina Wilde emails to say that she went to the Folkestone air show last Sunday. She and her friend found a very old RAF veteran who was tired and desperate to sit down. But the only empty chairs belonged to the Girl Guides. Could they borrow one? No, was the brusque answer – no insurance.✒Nina Wilde emails to say that she went to the Folkestone air show last Sunday. She and her friend found a very old RAF veteran who was tired and desperate to sit down. But the only empty chairs belonged to the Girl Guides. Could they borrow one? No, was the brusque answer – no insurance.
So this is the Guides' motto these days: "Be prepared! Providing you've got insurance cover!"So this is the Guides' motto these days: "Be prepared! Providing you've got insurance cover!"
✒Labels: some of these have a surreal tinge. Michael Taranuik bought a pair of Puma brand briefs. "Wash when dirty," it advises. Gerry Blake says: "My new passport came with a label on the back, saying: 'Please remove this label.'" Andrew Cauthery got a sound card for his computer from Amazon. The wrapper says very clearly: "Do not open." Derek Mottershead found a Matalan ad: "Selected suits, £50. Includes jacket and trousers." Alister Price got a new shaving brush, "unsuitable for children under three years". And David Litherland bought a drum of black peppercorns at Sainsbury's. "Why not try grinding in a peppermill, at the table, or in cooking?" it suggests, more helpfully than anyone could possibly need.✒Labels: some of these have a surreal tinge. Michael Taranuik bought a pair of Puma brand briefs. "Wash when dirty," it advises. Gerry Blake says: "My new passport came with a label on the back, saying: 'Please remove this label.'" Andrew Cauthery got a sound card for his computer from Amazon. The wrapper says very clearly: "Do not open." Derek Mottershead found a Matalan ad: "Selected suits, £50. Includes jacket and trousers." Alister Price got a new shaving brush, "unsuitable for children under three years". And David Litherland bought a drum of black peppercorns at Sainsbury's. "Why not try grinding in a peppermill, at the table, or in cooking?" it suggests, more helpfully than anyone could possibly need.
• This article was amended on 11 June 2012. The original described Harry Belafonte as having been "a young immigrant from Jamaica". ­Belafonte was born in Harlem, New York, ­although he spent some of his childhood in his mother's native ­Jamaica.