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Prince Harry's naked antics – a triumph for Britain? Prince Harry's naked antics – a triumph for Britain?
(about 2 hours later)
Like sexy female students jumping on A-level results day or sexy muddy females at a festival, one of the most enduring cliches in the British media is that if a Briton achieves an American accolade, it is not just a triumph for Briton but Britain. One sees this when a Briton wins an Academy Award ("The British are coming!") and, conversely, when a Briton fails to "break America". This latter occurrence sparks up collective shame and self-deprecation, that old inferiority complex flaring up again with accompanying mockery in the press that Oasis, or Robbie Williams, or whoever had the temerity in the first place to try to make it in America.Like sexy female students jumping on A-level results day or sexy muddy females at a festival, one of the most enduring cliches in the British media is that if a Briton achieves an American accolade, it is not just a triumph for Briton but Britain. One sees this when a Briton wins an Academy Award ("The British are coming!") and, conversely, when a Briton fails to "break America". This latter occurrence sparks up collective shame and self-deprecation, that old inferiority complex flaring up again with accompanying mockery in the press that Oasis, or Robbie Williams, or whoever had the temerity in the first place to try to make it in America.
But today's subject was never one to be cowed by the risk of humiliation or regret. No sirree bob. So he headed west, with nothing more than a vague dream of good times and a reservation at the Wynn Encore Resort in Las Vegas in his pocket, his pinking face shiny with anticipation. He strolled into the town of bright lights and dashed dreams and, like the cunning neophyte that he is, he pitched himself up at Schwab's Pharmacy or, that is, the modern-day equivalent thereof, a hotel suite riddled with cameraphones, where he would be discovered. And discovered he most certainly was. Because he didn't worry about what others thought, or what tomorrow might hold, or what that stranger was doing in the corner with a mobile phone, this youngster attained the highest accolade in this modern age, one that doesn't capture the zeitgeist – it is the zeitgeist: "PRINCE HARRY NAKED PHOTOS DURING VEGAS RAGER – EXCLUSIVE."But today's subject was never one to be cowed by the risk of humiliation or regret. No sirree bob. So he headed west, with nothing more than a vague dream of good times and a reservation at the Wynn Encore Resort in Las Vegas in his pocket, his pinking face shiny with anticipation. He strolled into the town of bright lights and dashed dreams and, like the cunning neophyte that he is, he pitched himself up at Schwab's Pharmacy or, that is, the modern-day equivalent thereof, a hotel suite riddled with cameraphones, where he would be discovered. And discovered he most certainly was. Because he didn't worry about what others thought, or what tomorrow might hold, or what that stranger was doing in the corner with a mobile phone, this youngster attained the highest accolade in this modern age, one that doesn't capture the zeitgeist – it is the zeitgeist: "PRINCE HARRY NAKED PHOTOS DURING VEGAS RAGER – EXCLUSIVE."
Harry made tmz.com! That taste you taste, Great Britain? That is the taste of validation! The British are com – oh, um. Wait. Let's scratch that one, actually.Harry made tmz.com! That taste you taste, Great Britain? That is the taste of validation! The British are com – oh, um. Wait. Let's scratch that one, actually.
Tmz.com is the phenomenally successful if linguistically challenged LA-based gossip website that has made quite a name for itself for breaking celebrity news, usually with the help of cameraphone photos and suspiciously detailed updates from hospitals and police stations in the Los Angeles area. For a certain kind of celebrity, tmz.com is the New York Times, Wikipedia, the Nasdaq stock market and the Bible in one heavily exclamation-marked form. To appear on tmz.com is, in a very particular sense, to mean you have made it in America. And now, nuzzling up against the glitzy likes of Lindsay Lohan's dad and Chris Brown on tmz.com's roll call, is none other than the royal spare.Tmz.com is the phenomenally successful if linguistically challenged LA-based gossip website that has made quite a name for itself for breaking celebrity news, usually with the help of cameraphone photos and suspiciously detailed updates from hospitals and police stations in the Los Angeles area. For a certain kind of celebrity, tmz.com is the New York Times, Wikipedia, the Nasdaq stock market and the Bible in one heavily exclamation-marked form. To appear on tmz.com is, in a very particular sense, to mean you have made it in America. And now, nuzzling up against the glitzy likes of Lindsay Lohan's dad and Chris Brown on tmz.com's roll call, is none other than the royal spare.
Harry – reassuringly unchanged by a military career – recently flew to Vegas for a holiday with his chums, Lord Toffy von Browne Nose and Bunny Boobsulike. The chronology of his activities there is a little fuzzy so consider the following a montage (screenwriters for The Hangover 3, you're welcome): "Jennifer Lopez's pool party", "strip billiards", "£1,000-a-day VIP bungalow", "swam a race against Ryan Lochte". Let's deal with the elements one by one.Harry – reassuringly unchanged by a military career – recently flew to Vegas for a holiday with his chums, Lord Toffy von Browne Nose and Bunny Boobsulike. The chronology of his activities there is a little fuzzy so consider the following a montage (screenwriters for The Hangover 3, you're welcome): "Jennifer Lopez's pool party", "strip billiards", "£1,000-a-day VIP bungalow", "swam a race against Ryan Lochte". Let's deal with the elements one by one.
Churchill and Roosevelt united during the second world war. Reagan and Thatcher waltzing at his inaugural ball in 1984. Blair and Bush strolling through a snowy Camp David. Truly, the pictorial history of the special relationship between America and Britain says as much about the times as it does about the leaders. Now we can add a new equally telling image to this illustrious roll call: the prince and the Olympic champion and general American cliche Lochte swimming partially clothed in a nightclub's pool at 3am. It was here that innocent young Harry was to learn the first of his valuable lessons about America: unlike in Jamaica, where Usain Bolt let the prince "win" in a race against him, in America, competition is all and Lochte made sure he beat that mofo prince ("Jeah!") (The second lesson is that if you pick up randoms in a Vegas hotel, at least one of them is likely to take photos of you on their phone and flog 'em to tmz.com.) Churchill and Roosevelt united during the second world war. Reagan and Thatcher waltzing at his inaugural ball in 1984. Blair and Bush strolling through a snowy Camp David. Truly, the pictorial history of the special relationship between America and Britain says as much about the times as it does about the leaders. Now we can add a new equally telling image to this illustrious roll call: the prince and the Olympic champion and general American cliche Lochte swimming partially clothed in a nightclub's pool at 3am. It was here that innocent young Harry was to learn the first of his valuable lessons about America: unlike in Jamaica, where Usain Bolt let the prince "win" in a race against him, in America, competition is all and Lochte made sure he beat that mofo prince ("Jeah!") (The second lesson is that if you pick up randoms in a Vegas hotel, at least one of them is likely to take photos of you on their phone and flog 'em to tmz.com.).
To the MGM Grand Hotel bungalows. Now, it happens that on my one trips to Vegas I stayed at that hotel and while I resisted partaking in the bungalows myself I do remember them well: they were generally full of pneumatic women in hot-pink bikinis and tattooed men of an indeterminate age drinking pitchers of cocktails and grinding to Usher songs from about 10am onwards. In retrospect, it reflects worse on me than it does on Harry that I did not foresee his eventual destination.To the MGM Grand Hotel bungalows. Now, it happens that on my one trips to Vegas I stayed at that hotel and while I resisted partaking in the bungalows myself I do remember them well: they were generally full of pneumatic women in hot-pink bikinis and tattooed men of an indeterminate age drinking pitchers of cocktails and grinding to Usher songs from about 10am onwards. In retrospect, it reflects worse on me than it does on Harry that I did not foresee his eventual destination.
And now, the nekkid photos, which have presumably put an end to Alison Jackson's career. These were apparently taken in a hotel room during a game of "strip billiards". I haven't ascertained what "strip billiards" is yet beyond that it is definitely not, contrary to rumour, and despite the sound of its name, an American news broadcaster ("And now, the traffic with Strip Billiards.") Nor am I sure if the red star on the royal bare backside is a coy editorial choice of tmz's or that's just how royal arses come. Judging from tmz's previous form, the latter seems more likely.And now, the nekkid photos, which have presumably put an end to Alison Jackson's career. These were apparently taken in a hotel room during a game of "strip billiards". I haven't ascertained what "strip billiards" is yet beyond that it is definitely not, contrary to rumour, and despite the sound of its name, an American news broadcaster ("And now, the traffic with Strip Billiards.") Nor am I sure if the red star on the royal bare backside is a coy editorial choice of tmz's or that's just how royal arses come. Judging from tmz's previous form, the latter seems more likely.
The final photos from Harry's My Holiday Facebook album consist of him in Los Angeles looking at a phone with an expression anyone who has ever had an especially bad morning after would recognise. Although that's only because he didn't spend long enough in America. If he had, he'd have known that naked photos on a website are the way some of the country's more illustrious careers were kickstarted although, really, if he'd wanted to shoot to the A* list he should have provided a sex tape to boot and then he could have sat in the VVVIP area with Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton.The final photos from Harry's My Holiday Facebook album consist of him in Los Angeles looking at a phone with an expression anyone who has ever had an especially bad morning after would recognise. Although that's only because he didn't spend long enough in America. If he had, he'd have known that naked photos on a website are the way some of the country's more illustrious careers were kickstarted although, really, if he'd wanted to shoot to the A* list he should have provided a sex tape to boot and then he could have sat in the VVVIP area with Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton.
And lo, the aftermath. Above the near-deafening noise of Sarah Ferguson, Prince Andrew, Diana, Prince Edward VII and various other royals dead and alive sighing with relief that cameraphones did not exist in their day, one can hear the UK press gnashing its teeth at the legal strictures preventing it from publishing the nudie pics. Thus, it opts for one of two paths: exploitation or prurience in the guise of disapproval. For the former, the Sun instead mocks up a photo on the front page featuring a naked journalist called Harry pressed against a similarly unclothed intern, proffering a new interpretation to the term "work experience". The Daily Mail's Amanda Platell types Pulitzer-winning sentences such as: "No one is suggesting he took part in an orgy, but …" and "what a tragedy it would be if he becomes another royal wastrel." "Becomes"? Good Lord, does anyone ever expect anything more from the spare?And lo, the aftermath. Above the near-deafening noise of Sarah Ferguson, Prince Andrew, Diana, Prince Edward VII and various other royals dead and alive sighing with relief that cameraphones did not exist in their day, one can hear the UK press gnashing its teeth at the legal strictures preventing it from publishing the nudie pics. Thus, it opts for one of two paths: exploitation or prurience in the guise of disapproval. For the former, the Sun instead mocks up a photo on the front page featuring a naked journalist called Harry pressed against a similarly unclothed intern, proffering a new interpretation to the term "work experience". The Daily Mail's Amanda Platell types Pulitzer-winning sentences such as: "No one is suggesting he took part in an orgy, but …" and "what a tragedy it would be if he becomes another royal wastrel." "Becomes"? Good Lord, does anyone ever expect anything more from the spare?
Unfortunately for these papers, clutching their handkerchiefs to hide their drool, readers are unlikely to echo their concerns. The truth is, as royals go, Harry does pretty well for a second son and he's the only one any mainstream voyeur would wish to see naked. He is the Boris Johnson of the royal family, a buffoon whose every antic only improves his public standing. Particularly when that standing takes place naked in a Vegas hotel room, simultaneously watching TV, shielding a naked young lady and cupping his balls. His royal standing has never looked better. Seriously, do you know what Vinnie Jones would do for such US product placement? Britain, congratulations.Unfortunately for these papers, clutching their handkerchiefs to hide their drool, readers are unlikely to echo their concerns. The truth is, as royals go, Harry does pretty well for a second son and he's the only one any mainstream voyeur would wish to see naked. He is the Boris Johnson of the royal family, a buffoon whose every antic only improves his public standing. Particularly when that standing takes place naked in a Vegas hotel room, simultaneously watching TV, shielding a naked young lady and cupping his balls. His royal standing has never looked better. Seriously, do you know what Vinnie Jones would do for such US product placement? Britain, congratulations.