What I'm really thinking: the woman priest

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/aug/31/what-really-thinking-woman-priest

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On a Sunday I stand up in front of a crowd of people with varying backgrounds and try to help them make sense of their lives. But I struggle often to make sense of my own. I find myself looking out at the sea of faces who anticipate that I will offer them security through faith and give meaning to their existence. I smile brightly, participate in the handshaking and look forward to the moment when I can return to my empty vicarage, smoke a cigarette and drink a cup of coffee alone.

I am supposed to be an expert at dealing with loss. On the surface, I am a confident, bright, middle-aged woman who appears to be "coping well" with my own divorce. Instead, I often feel as broken as you by life's unplanned course. You want me to be a person of strength, security and hope, someone who will assure you that "God has a plan for you", because that is what you expect from a priest. But I can only stand with you in your seeking, and hope that sometimes you will also stand with me.

If I were a man, would you bring me casseroles and cakes, and wonder who is looking after me as I deal with this loss? Do I seem stronger to you because I am both priest and woman? When I look out at you all on a Sunday, I hope that someone may invite me home for lunch. And more than this I hope that you will see that I am someone who loves and loses in their life, too, trusting that, in the "bigger picture", all will be well in the end.

• Tell us what you're really thinking at mind@guardian.co.uk