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Katie Price and Leandro Penna split: is her brain to blame? Katie Price and Leandro Penna split: is her brain to blame?
(35 minutes later)
Lost in Showbiz pitches up to you reeling. It's been quite the week for celebrity news. First came the story that Prince Harry is apparently amusing his brothers in arms over in Afghanistan by reading aloud from Pippa Middleton's book Celebrate – A Year of British Festivities for Family and Friends: I know, I know, those long nights must just fly by.Lost in Showbiz pitches up to you reeling. It's been quite the week for celebrity news. First came the story that Prince Harry is apparently amusing his brothers in arms over in Afghanistan by reading aloud from Pippa Middleton's book Celebrate – A Year of British Festivities for Family and Friends: I know, I know, those long nights must just fly by.
Hot on its heels came the greatest celebrity lawsuit in history: that's right, better even than the 31-year-old woman who last year attempted to sue P Diddy for $1tn and accused him of masterminding 9/11. This time, Justin Bieber has been sued by a man from Michigan claiming the teen sensation stole his credit card and went on what sounds like the most esoteric shopping spree since Lost in Showbiz took to eBay after a few gins and later found itself in receipt of a K-Tel Rap'tou food processor, a guide to converting to Rastafarianism and a signed copy of No Parlez by Paul Young. Bieber, on the other hand, is alleged to have spent a grand total of $426.78 on a pregnancy termination for Selina Gomez, some cocaine for P Diddy – him again! – and a penis-enlargement operation. This seems like quite a haul for just over £250 to Lost in Showbiz: it paid close to that figure for its Paul Young album alone, but that's a bitter small-hours bidding war with a man from Stockton for you.Hot on its heels came the greatest celebrity lawsuit in history: that's right, better even than the 31-year-old woman who last year attempted to sue P Diddy for $1tn and accused him of masterminding 9/11. This time, Justin Bieber has been sued by a man from Michigan claiming the teen sensation stole his credit card and went on what sounds like the most esoteric shopping spree since Lost in Showbiz took to eBay after a few gins and later found itself in receipt of a K-Tel Rap'tou food processor, a guide to converting to Rastafarianism and a signed copy of No Parlez by Paul Young. Bieber, on the other hand, is alleged to have spent a grand total of $426.78 on a pregnancy termination for Selina Gomez, some cocaine for P Diddy – him again! – and a penis-enlargement operation. This seems like quite a haul for just over £250 to Lost in Showbiz: it paid close to that figure for its Paul Young album alone, but that's a bitter small-hours bidding war with a man from Stockton for you.
The plaintiff furthermore claims that R&B star Usher broke into his bedroom on 4 July, "sodomized me with a firework ... while blaring Katy Perry's firework song in my ear drums". Lost in Showbiz has no comment to make on this, beyond bringing it to Prince Harry's attention, with a cry of: HRH! Put your sister-in-law's cookbook down! This is how squaddies ought to amuse themselves in barracks!The plaintiff furthermore claims that R&B star Usher broke into his bedroom on 4 July, "sodomized me with a firework ... while blaring Katy Perry's firework song in my ear drums". Lost in Showbiz has no comment to make on this, beyond bringing it to Prince Harry's attention, with a cry of: HRH! Put your sister-in-law's cookbook down! This is how squaddies ought to amuse themselves in barracks!
Of course, these pale in significance when compared with the biggest and saddest story of the week. Lost in Showbiz scarcely knows what to say about the news that Katie Price and Leandro Penna have broken off their engagement. It dismissed those who saw the relationship as merely another publicity stunt: it can think of few things more authentically romantic, more indicative of a determination not to exploit your relationship for financial gain, than starring together in a Katie Price lingerie advertising campaign, or as Penna put it, "la sensual campaña". It gave short shrift to anyone who suggested the relationship was doomed from the start, given that they were unable to communicate with words – he spoke little English, her Spanish was hororoso, as they say in La Pampa.Of course, these pale in significance when compared with the biggest and saddest story of the week. Lost in Showbiz scarcely knows what to say about the news that Katie Price and Leandro Penna have broken off their engagement. It dismissed those who saw the relationship as merely another publicity stunt: it can think of few things more authentically romantic, more indicative of a determination not to exploit your relationship for financial gain, than starring together in a Katie Price lingerie advertising campaign, or as Penna put it, "la sensual campaña". It gave short shrift to anyone who suggested the relationship was doomed from the start, given that they were unable to communicate with words – he spoke little English, her Spanish was hororoso, as they say in La Pampa.
But what are mere phonological barriers than something surmounted in a single bound by those fluent in the universal and unspoken language of love? "The connection we have is so intense," offered Penna, before offering a striking example of the profundity of the bond the two shared. "Like sometimes I'll be sitting and moving my head from side to side and she will know I'm looking for the remote control."But what are mere phonological barriers than something surmounted in a single bound by those fluent in the universal and unspoken language of love? "The connection we have is so intense," offered Penna, before offering a striking example of the profundity of the bond the two shared. "Like sometimes I'll be sitting and moving my head from side to side and she will know I'm looking for the remote control."
Lost in Showbiz confesses it had known the relationship was on shaky ground for some time. Earlier this week, its hopes were bucked by a report in Closer magazine, which detailed their problems, but offered a shining beacon of hope: "In an effort to patch things up with Leandro, she's taking him to Alton Towers theme park in Staffordshire". What self-respecting 26-year-old in a failing relationship wouldn't be mollified by a visit to romantic Alton Towers, or, as Lost in Showbiz thinks of it, Paris with an inverted rollercoaster, a £28.95 All-Day Dining Deal and regular meet and greets with "park mascot" Squirrel Nutty? How does the old saying go? The West Midlands in October is for lovers. Imagine the scene: a long amorous stroll around the Zombies! Scare Zone, perhaps a photo with Squirrel Nutty, followed by a romantic candlelit dinner for two at the Explorers Pizza Pasta Buffet or the Pirate Pasty Co. Who wouldn't find love's fire aflame once more?Lost in Showbiz confesses it had known the relationship was on shaky ground for some time. Earlier this week, its hopes were bucked by a report in Closer magazine, which detailed their problems, but offered a shining beacon of hope: "In an effort to patch things up with Leandro, she's taking him to Alton Towers theme park in Staffordshire". What self-respecting 26-year-old in a failing relationship wouldn't be mollified by a visit to romantic Alton Towers, or, as Lost in Showbiz thinks of it, Paris with an inverted rollercoaster, a £28.95 All-Day Dining Deal and regular meet and greets with "park mascot" Squirrel Nutty? How does the old saying go? The West Midlands in October is for lovers. Imagine the scene: a long amorous stroll around the Zombies! Scare Zone, perhaps a photo with Squirrel Nutty, followed by a romantic candlelit dinner for two at the Explorers Pizza Pasta Buffet or the Pirate Pasty Co. Who wouldn't find love's fire aflame once more?
But it was not to be. Their sensual campaña has come to a close. We can perhaps take some succour from the amiability of their parting, clearly a mutual decision taken for the common good, as evidenced by their statements. She: "We really wish each other nothing but the very best and will remain the very best of friends." He: "She is crazy. Katie's brain is not wired right, or the wires don't connect properly. I don't know what's wrong with her."But it was not to be. Their sensual campaña has come to a close. We can perhaps take some succour from the amiability of their parting, clearly a mutual decision taken for the common good, as evidenced by their statements. She: "We really wish each other nothing but the very best and will remain the very best of friends." He: "She is crazy. Katie's brain is not wired right, or the wires don't connect properly. I don't know what's wrong with her."
Penna is apparently planning to head back to South America. Lost in Showbiz isn't afraid to say it will miss him, particularly on Twitter. It will miss his insights into the world of the Premiership: "I am very happy that as soon as Tevez arrived in England he told me I am going to do everything to shut up the Italian's arse." It will miss his frank appraisals of Price's ex-husband, cross-dressing cage fighter Alex "The Reidinator" Reid – "what a weird freak gay" – and indeed, the shortcomings of the British police force. "We are waiting for over an hour the police arrive!" he tweeted, following a pickpocketing incident last year. "Happens that we have reached the skinny signed it reached into the jacket ... Call the police and tell me that no police are available I fucking!"Penna is apparently planning to head back to South America. Lost in Showbiz isn't afraid to say it will miss him, particularly on Twitter. It will miss his insights into the world of the Premiership: "I am very happy that as soon as Tevez arrived in England he told me I am going to do everything to shut up the Italian's arse." It will miss his frank appraisals of Price's ex-husband, cross-dressing cage fighter Alex "The Reidinator" Reid – "what a weird freak gay" – and indeed, the shortcomings of the British police force. "We are waiting for over an hour the police arrive!" he tweeted, following a pickpocketing incident last year. "Happens that we have reached the skinny signed it reached into the jacket ... Call the police and tell me that no police are available I fucking!"
It fears we will never see his like again. For solace, it turns to the pages of Pippa Middleton's Celebrate, and raises a gin-based "creepy cocktail" to his memory. Then it has another gin-based "creepy cocktail" and goes on eBay.It fears we will never see his like again. For solace, it turns to the pages of Pippa Middleton's Celebrate, and raises a gin-based "creepy cocktail" to his memory. Then it has another gin-based "creepy cocktail" and goes on eBay.
• This article was amended on 25 October 2012 to remove an erroneous suggestion that Basra is in Afghanistan. Basra is in Iraq.