Simon Hoggart's week: Are round robins an endangered species?

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2013/jan/18/simon-hoggart-round-robins-endangered

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✒Time for what I think will be the last round-up of Christmas newsletters. There are fewer these days; the relentless battering from the media, the cost of postage and the greater simplicity of email means that people are less inclined to go to all that trouble and expense, only to be mocked in the public prints.

But many will mourn their passing. One letter sent on to me names and shames me and Lynne Truss, calling us the "round-robin police". I see myself as chief constable of this fine body of public servants. But our work is almost done.

It's clear, though, that some people still find it necessary to let the world know about their successes. Children remain fabulous. One young man, working in Africa, "never asks anyone to do anything he wouldn't do, including slaughtering a goat for the camp Botswana day festival. We are ecstatic to have him home. His low spot? Finding a 3ft Okovango Delta crocodile in his bedroll."

But there is also his sister, a teacher with "compassion, patience and humour … our pride in her is immeasurable." Sometimes other people simply fail to realise the geniuses they are dealing with. "Lizzie had truly outstanding results. It was a mystery to us that she was not awarded a distinction. Her peers were convinced she should have had better recognition."

✒And some folk have fabulous holidays as often as the rest of us go to the pictures. One couple from Middlesex had trips to South Africa, a Baltic cruise, a skiing holiday in the Dolomites, plus visits to the Lake District, the Luberon and Aquitaine. "Roger did try out a number of options for a suitable retirement aircraft." A retirement aircraft is a concept unfamiliar to most of us.

✒Of course, not all holidays are glamorous. One family went on a Mediterranean cruise. "Food was OK, but they had had the norovirus, so staff served it wearing rubber gloves. Finding a sunbed unoccupied was impossible. Plus they had three deaths on board." On the other hand, she records, "the cabin crew folded towels into shapes, of a monkey, turtle etc".

✒One chap, from the West Midlands, writes a lengthy newsletter every year in which he records his holidays in pitiless detail, especially parking charges, which he can recall months later. But that wasn't a problem last year as he and his wife went on a cruise to the Caribbean. The internet access on board is expensive. However, in the Azores they find an internet cafe which charges only €1.50 per hour. They enter the quiz, and would have come top if he had remembered that the Queen had not reached her 26th birthday the year she acceded to the throne. But there is a silver lining: "Oh well, I did not need another bottle of white wine, so the other guy was welcome to it."

There is a fascinating – and lengthy – paragraph about changing time zones on your watch ("the strange half-hour time zones are a trap for the unwary"). In Antigua they find internet cafes charge $2 US for a quarter hour! In Madeira they buy a dozen roast chestnuts for €2, but his wife doesn't like them, so he eats nine and gives two away. They set sail across the Atlantic. "I thought of going for another swim, but couldn't be bothered."

Back home, he lists the gigs they attended. There were none. "We nearly got to see Ginger Baker, but were busy, so we missed him." His wife, invited to contribute, records only that "she did mostly the same as last year, so doesn't feel the need to add anything".

But what is most amazing is that at the very end of this seven-page letter, with its accrual of detail so boring that it becomes weirdly fascinating, he writes: "My mother passed away, aged 89, after a stroke. We were planning a big celebration for her 90th, but it was not to be."

✒Round robiners are never deterred by the Grim Reaper. From Scotland: "Sadly, Mike's younger brother Sam passed away in January, while working out at the gym. Six weeks later, his wife Rosemary passed away too, leaving Mark and Ingrid grieving …" This is surrounded by news of great holidays, delicious meals, achieving children, and wishes for God's blessing (except, perhaps, for Mark and Ingrid.)

✒Environmentalism is also a religion, and one couple are obsessed votaries. They weigh everything they throw out, and have got it down to 100 grams per week. They never give a wrapped gift ("home-made wine – in recycled bottles – and British, artisan-produced cheese are always welcome").

Food is simple, such as cheese scones ("a great way of using up leftover yoghurt") and homemade crumpets. And not everything goes smoothly. They wanted to save on cat litter, but "trying to get the cats to use a human toilet was not a great success". Never mind, you can always have the kids use the cat litter and save on water!

✒Some people just lead rather dull lives. This family has done an almanac covering each month of 2012, and it is a litany of tedium. Terry almost goes to Dubai to give a workshop, but few people sign up and it's cancelled. They try to meet a friend at the local jubilee celebrations, but because of the crowds, they miss him. They holiday in France and go to a local fete, but it rains. Terry does successfully visit a family friend, so at least the year is not devoid of achievement.

And a happy 2013 to you too!