Marriage Man and the Incredible Hulk at prime minister's questions

http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2013/feb/06/marriage-prime-minister

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The best joke at prime minister's questions came from Labour's Michael McCann, who got in a dig at the vast French-based multinational that has been given the job of examining disabled people in this country and telling them that, provided they have at least one limb left, they are capable of working and should get a job.

Mr McCann asked innocently if it was true that Atos had passed Richard III as fit for work.

The gag did appear in Wednesday's Guardian, but that doesn't matter. It's the context that counts, and Cameron's cheery response – he hoped it would be a boost to the great city of Leicester – didn't cover up the fact that Labour was trying, with some success, to depict him as a heartless miser who would snatch a crust from a starving baby, purely for the pleasure of hearing its sobs.

The second best gag came from Ed Miliband, who again managed to wrongfoot the prime minister.

The pair were having their usual inconclusive ding-dong about statistics – in this case about people who are going to lose benefit because they have an unused bedroom in their house – when Cameron seemed to get impatient.

"The prime minister should not get so het up," said Miliband. "After all, he has got nearly half his party behind him!"

This reference to Tuesday's gay marriage vote – fewer than 50% of Tories voted for the bill – won huge cheers from Labour. Normally Cameron reacts to a well-placed barb with, at worst, a slightly sheepish grin. But it was too late for that. His face began to go dark red, as if the Incredible Hulk had gone colour blind, or a very peeved chameleon was sitting on a brick. He scowled, as if this were the kind of over-the-top insult that demeaned the whole Commons.

It had been so different at the start. Christopher Chope, one of the Tories who voted against gay marriage, wanted him, in the interests of equality, to offer civil partnerships to straight couples too.

Cameron wasn't going to fall for that. "I am," he declared, "a marriage man. I am a great supporter of marriage. I want to protect marriage, to defend marriage, to encourage marriage." Civil partnerships would only weaken marriage. I had a vision of Cameron as Marriage Man, a superhero who leaps into action whenever marriage – straight, gay or transgender – is under threat. He wears grey, striped, figure-hugging underpants, a black cape with tails, and a silk topper. Young folk would call him on his Marriage Mobe.

"Marriage Man, I want to marry my boyfriend, but my parents say he's a no-good waste of space. I need your help!" Faster than a Rolls trimmed with white ribbons, Marriage Man races to the spot, biffing the anti-marriage parents, kapow!

Sorry, got carried away there.

Soon afterwards, he made a statement about the Mid Staffordshire hospital report. He is brilliant at heartfelt apologies for things that are not actually his fault – Bloody Sunday and Hillsborough, for example. Perhaps years later we will get a moving, personal, and deeply sincere apology for having spent the last 33 months making the economy even worse than it was.