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How Harry Styles and his boy band could see off the Arts Council How Harry Styles and his boy band could see off the Arts Council
(7 months later)
"The more dignity is widely and freely available in a society," tweets philosopher Alain de Botton, "the less people want to be famous." What a searing indictment of modern Britain, which has afforded so little dignity to Alain that he is forced to engage in a near-daily scramble for publicity."The more dignity is widely and freely available in a society," tweets philosopher Alain de Botton, "the less people want to be famous." What a searing indictment of modern Britain, which has afforded so little dignity to Alain that he is forced to engage in a near-daily scramble for publicity.
His latest tilt at the limelight involves an attempt to harness the transformative powers of boyband One Direction, and we shall come to this intriguing collaboration very shortly.His latest tilt at the limelight involves an attempt to harness the transformative powers of boyband One Direction, and we shall come to this intriguing collaboration very shortly.
First, though, let us recall an epigram attributed to Bismarck, who is said to have observed that those who love sausages and believe in justice should never see either being made. Having immersed itself in De Botton's Twitter account for a few hours, you see, Lost in Showbiz wonders if the same might not be said of philosophy. To behold Alain's timeline is to be granted an access-all-areas pass to a philosophy-processing plant, where all manner of rogue material is compressed into a wisdom-effect product. Every few hours another thought-patty is rolled off the production line, about which it seems best not to ask too many questions.First, though, let us recall an epigram attributed to Bismarck, who is said to have observed that those who love sausages and believe in justice should never see either being made. Having immersed itself in De Botton's Twitter account for a few hours, you see, Lost in Showbiz wonders if the same might not be said of philosophy. To behold Alain's timeline is to be granted an access-all-areas pass to a philosophy-processing plant, where all manner of rogue material is compressed into a wisdom-effect product. Every few hours another thought-patty is rolled off the production line, about which it seems best not to ask too many questions.
For all the wisdom of counting daily blessings, perhaps part of being fully alive is living ungratefully...For all the wisdom of counting daily blessings, perhaps part of being fully alive is living ungratefully...
"For all the wisdom of counting daily blessings," runs a typical pensee, "perhaps part of being fully alive is living ungratefully ..." "Re exes," goes another, "never trust what you feel now, only what you knew then.""For all the wisdom of counting daily blessings," runs a typical pensee, "perhaps part of being fully alive is living ungratefully ..." "Re exes," goes another, "never trust what you feel now, only what you knew then."
Whether you could tell the difference between this and Geri Halliwell's timeline in a blind-tasting is not for me to say. I do, however, nurse hopes that Alain will make like an unapologetic slaughterhouse owner and defend this column's impudent ribbing of his output, perhaps tweeting something along the lines of: "You get what you pay for, madam. Your beef, if I can call it that – which I don't think I technically can – is with the retailers." After all, Britain's livingest living philosopher does have a reputation for the defensive, once declaring to a critic who had reviewed one of his books unfavourably: "I will hate you till the day I die and wish you nothing but ill will in every career move you make. I will be watching with interest and schadenfreude."Whether you could tell the difference between this and Geri Halliwell's timeline in a blind-tasting is not for me to say. I do, however, nurse hopes that Alain will make like an unapologetic slaughterhouse owner and defend this column's impudent ribbing of his output, perhaps tweeting something along the lines of: "You get what you pay for, madam. Your beef, if I can call it that – which I don't think I technically can – is with the retailers." After all, Britain's livingest living philosopher does have a reputation for the defensive, once declaring to a critic who had reviewed one of his books unfavourably: "I will hate you till the day I die and wish you nothing but ill will in every career move you make. I will be watching with interest and schadenfreude."
Anyhow. Our business today is with Alain's latest wheeze, conceived after he met One Direction's Harry Styles at a party. "He was very interested in finding out about philosophy," Alain told a reporter. "He seemed a very intelligent chap." Which got our hero THINKING. "In an ideal world," Alain went on, "Harry Styles would be teaching his 10 million followers a little more about Greek philosophy."Anyhow. Our business today is with Alain's latest wheeze, conceived after he met One Direction's Harry Styles at a party. "He was very interested in finding out about philosophy," Alain told a reporter. "He seemed a very intelligent chap." Which got our hero THINKING. "In an ideal world," Alain went on, "Harry Styles would be teaching his 10 million followers a little more about Greek philosophy."
Ideal world indeed – in fact, the idea was first suggested in a forgotten passage of Thomas More's Utopia, right after the bit where control of agriculture is ceded to Cher Lloyd. Having said that, Lost in Showbiz feels feel forced to counter that in its ideal world, Harry would be telling his ten million followers all manner of secrets about Simon Cowell before announcing that he was "doing a Robbie" and going entertainingly rogue for a few years. And happily, I reckon we'll make landfall on my Utopia first.Ideal world indeed – in fact, the idea was first suggested in a forgotten passage of Thomas More's Utopia, right after the bit where control of agriculture is ceded to Cher Lloyd. Having said that, Lost in Showbiz feels feel forced to counter that in its ideal world, Harry would be telling his ten million followers all manner of secrets about Simon Cowell before announcing that he was "doing a Robbie" and going entertainingly rogue for a few years. And happily, I reckon we'll make landfall on my Utopia first.
But back to Alain's. "My plan is to shut the Arts Council and get people such as Harry Styles to go on TV and recommend to everyone they read Proust and Hegel," he continued. "David Beckham could do Aristotle and Plato, which would achieve more in five minutes than the Arts Council achieves year in, year out ... The cause of intellectual life in this country would be helped immeasurably."But back to Alain's. "My plan is to shut the Arts Council and get people such as Harry Styles to go on TV and recommend to everyone they read Proust and Hegel," he continued. "David Beckham could do Aristotle and Plato, which would achieve more in five minutes than the Arts Council achieves year in, year out ... The cause of intellectual life in this country would be helped immeasurably."
Socrates, born in Athens in the 5th century BCE, marks a watershed in Ancient Greek philosophy.Socrates, born in Athens in the 5th century BCE, marks a watershed in Ancient Greek philosophy.
And that, you might think, would be that, had Harry not got wind of the De Botton interview, and promptly tweeted: "Socrates, born in Athens in the 5th century BC, marks a watershed in Ancient Greek philosophy."And that, you might think, would be that, had Harry not got wind of the De Botton interview, and promptly tweeted: "Socrates, born in Athens in the 5th century BC, marks a watershed in Ancient Greek philosophy."
Well! At the time of writing, that little outburst had been retweeted no fewer than 42,000 times. Delving a little deeper into the reaction, do we encounter the Socratic dialogue of Botton's dream? From my cursory scan, there was a lot of WTFing, an impressive number of people criticising Harry for lifting the quote straight from Wikipedia, and a brilliantly succinct retort by someone who wrote: "I like you guys to get AWAY from knowledge – don't put more in my head." And therein, perhaps, lies the problem with Alain's fiendish masterplan.Well! At the time of writing, that little outburst had been retweeted no fewer than 42,000 times. Delving a little deeper into the reaction, do we encounter the Socratic dialogue of Botton's dream? From my cursory scan, there was a lot of WTFing, an impressive number of people criticising Harry for lifting the quote straight from Wikipedia, and a brilliantly succinct retort by someone who wrote: "I like you guys to get AWAY from knowledge – don't put more in my head." And therein, perhaps, lies the problem with Alain's fiendish masterplan.
Still, the exercise did remind Lost in Showbiz how much it adores Directioners, with their dental braces and devotion and diurnal death threats. Finally, a horrifyingly desensitised child army that it's OK to root for. After all, what's the point in not doing so? They are clearly coming for us all, one throwaway remark about Niall's hair at a time, and are a more fitting subject for a dystopian movie than climate change or misplaced worries about what would happen if Los Angeles were wiped from the map.Still, the exercise did remind Lost in Showbiz how much it adores Directioners, with their dental braces and devotion and diurnal death threats. Finally, a horrifyingly desensitised child army that it's OK to root for. After all, what's the point in not doing so? They are clearly coming for us all, one throwaway remark about Niall's hair at a time, and are a more fitting subject for a dystopian movie than climate change or misplaced worries about what would happen if Los Angeles were wiped from the map.
Whether they are ultimately a more awesome fighting force than Justin Bieber's Beliebers I couldn't begin to tell you: I just know that this is how it ends, somewhere on earth's plains, with two armies of homicidal fans facing each other for control of a post-apocalyptic wasteland. (And it will be two armies only – lesser fandoms will be forced to make alliances with either Beliebers or Directioners to ensure their survival. Sorry, the Wanted Family: nobody gets to be Switzerland in this one.)Whether they are ultimately a more awesome fighting force than Justin Bieber's Beliebers I couldn't begin to tell you: I just know that this is how it ends, somewhere on earth's plains, with two armies of homicidal fans facing each other for control of a post-apocalyptic wasteland. (And it will be two armies only – lesser fandoms will be forced to make alliances with either Beliebers or Directioners to ensure their survival. Sorry, the Wanted Family: nobody gets to be Switzerland in this one.)
As for how this final battle will compare with the bloodiest in human history, I imagine it will have something of a Stalingrad feel to it. During that most barbarous of conflicts, the opposing Russian and German commanders both developed nervous conditions, while the house-to-house fighting was so grimly incremental among the rubble of the city that the mirthless joke among the Germans was that they'd taken the kitchen but were still fighting for the living room. Picture much the same situation in the Great Fandom Wars, as Bieber's Jesus tattoo is obscured by a rash, One Direction succumb to a synchronised eye twitch on the key change, and a million tween footsoldiers tweet that they've captured the pink bunk beds but are still fighting for the study nook.As for how this final battle will compare with the bloodiest in human history, I imagine it will have something of a Stalingrad feel to it. During that most barbarous of conflicts, the opposing Russian and German commanders both developed nervous conditions, while the house-to-house fighting was so grimly incremental among the rubble of the city that the mirthless joke among the Germans was that they'd taken the kitchen but were still fighting for the living room. Picture much the same situation in the Great Fandom Wars, as Bieber's Jesus tattoo is obscured by a rash, One Direction succumb to a synchronised eye twitch on the key change, and a million tween footsoldiers tweet that they've captured the pink bunk beds but are still fighting for the study nook.
The question now, of course, is how things will pan out if the Directioners become philosophised. The De Botton intervention throws open all sorts of possibilities, so do adjust your endtimes arrangements accordingly.The question now, of course, is how things will pan out if the Directioners become philosophised. The De Botton intervention throws open all sorts of possibilities, so do adjust your endtimes arrangements accordingly.
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