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| Simon Hoggart's week: Diplomat wanted – must like musicals | Simon Hoggart's week: Diplomat wanted – must like musicals |
| (7 months later) | |
| ✒ The government is embarrassed by this week's court ruling that prevents people being obliged to work for nothing before they get benefits. There is a simple solution: repeal the Slave Trade Act, the most recent one dating from 1873. It would lead to a modern, laid-back form of slavery, with slaves being allowed to go home at night, to wear what they liked – within limits – and even to bunk off without being subject to 100 lashes. | ✒ The government is embarrassed by this week's court ruling that prevents people being obliged to work for nothing before they get benefits. There is a simple solution: repeal the Slave Trade Act, the most recent one dating from 1873. It would lead to a modern, laid-back form of slavery, with slaves being allowed to go home at night, to wear what they liked – within limits – and even to bunk off without being subject to 100 lashes. |
| Repealing the act that makes slavery illegal might sound drastic. But it would be open, honest and – in the politicians' buzzword – transparent. Or as David Cameron is fond of saying, it would do exactly what it says on the tin. | Repealing the act that makes slavery illegal might sound drastic. But it would be open, honest and – in the politicians' buzzword – transparent. Or as David Cameron is fond of saying, it would do exactly what it says on the tin. |
| ✒ Steve Pound MP texts: "A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, 'sorry, we don't serve food.'" | ✒ Steve Pound MP texts: "A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, 'sorry, we don't serve food.'" |
| ✒ We have friends from our days in Washington who have always been involved in foreign affairs and diplomacy. They have long experience, and would like some more – perhaps by his becoming an ambassador. The most desired posts – London, Paris, Beijing, Tokyo, etc – are out of reach because they always go to the big fundraisers, usually with a career diplomat at their elbow telling them what to do. Our friends would be happy with something quite modest. But they are in competition with hundreds, perhaps thousands of others. And the process is incredibly lengthy and complicated. A single ill-wisher in the state department or the White House can ruin your chances. Even having a close chum in a position of power does not necessarily help. Some time ago, the wife reported: "We were on track for a multilateral position in Vienna, till we received a call from our best friend in White House personnel. Things could go sideways for us. Why? Because The Sound Of Music had just been shown on network TV, leading to 'a new surge of interest in Austria'." | ✒ We have friends from our days in Washington who have always been involved in foreign affairs and diplomacy. They have long experience, and would like some more – perhaps by his becoming an ambassador. The most desired posts – London, Paris, Beijing, Tokyo, etc – are out of reach because they always go to the big fundraisers, usually with a career diplomat at their elbow telling them what to do. Our friends would be happy with something quite modest. But they are in competition with hundreds, perhaps thousands of others. And the process is incredibly lengthy and complicated. A single ill-wisher in the state department or the White House can ruin your chances. Even having a close chum in a position of power does not necessarily help. Some time ago, the wife reported: "We were on track for a multilateral position in Vienna, till we received a call from our best friend in White House personnel. Things could go sideways for us. Why? Because The Sound Of Music had just been shown on network TV, leading to 'a new surge of interest in Austria'." |
| ✒ I love hearing language change. This week, on a train to work, I was earwigging a conversation between a man and a woman. He was describing how he'd arranged a shooting party in North Yorkshire but when they'd arrived the snow was too thick to go ahead. "So I called a mate who has a pub up there" – he looked like the sort of chap who has "mates" all over the place – "and he fixed lunch for us. I booked a load of taxis to get us there, and by the end we were well and truly trozzled…" | ✒ I love hearing language change. This week, on a train to work, I was earwigging a conversation between a man and a woman. He was describing how he'd arranged a shooting party in North Yorkshire but when they'd arrived the snow was too thick to go ahead. "So I called a mate who has a pub up there" – he looked like the sort of chap who has "mates" all over the place – "and he fixed lunch for us. I booked a load of taxis to get us there, and by the end we were well and truly trozzled…" |
| Is this a real new slang word? Or had he confused "sozzled" and "trollied"? | Is this a real new slang word? Or had he confused "sozzled" and "trollied"? |
| ✒ To the annual Oldie Of The Year lunch in London, which is always huge fun, especially if you were one of the judges, which I was – the first time ever I'd had that role anywhere. You feel something of a personal responsibility for the choices, even if they weren't actually yours. | ✒ To the annual Oldie Of The Year lunch in London, which is always huge fun, especially if you were one of the judges, which I was – the first time ever I'd had that role anywhere. You feel something of a personal responsibility for the choices, even if they weren't actually yours. |
| We had picked an eclectic bunch. Fauja Singh is the 101-year-old marathon runner, who's going to Hong Kong for his next one. Our chairman, Terry Wogan, said: "He attributes his long life to abstaining from smoking and alcohol, and eating a simple vegetarian diet. So we're all doomed." I sat two away from Professor Mary Beard, another winner. She was delightful and, I thought, that famous straggly hair made her look sexy. Tony Iveson was another winner – he's the oldest man to have given away a kidney, and he made an extraordinarily moving short speech about how simple it was and how marvellously it transformed sufferers' lives. He had come with his surgeon; at one point she waved a knife vaguely in my direction, and I feared that she was about to take mine on the spot. | We had picked an eclectic bunch. Fauja Singh is the 101-year-old marathon runner, who's going to Hong Kong for his next one. Our chairman, Terry Wogan, said: "He attributes his long life to abstaining from smoking and alcohol, and eating a simple vegetarian diet. So we're all doomed." I sat two away from Professor Mary Beard, another winner. She was delightful and, I thought, that famous straggly hair made her look sexy. Tony Iveson was another winner – he's the oldest man to have given away a kidney, and he made an extraordinarily moving short speech about how simple it was and how marvellously it transformed sufferers' lives. He had come with his surgeon; at one point she waved a knife vaguely in my direction, and I feared that she was about to take mine on the spot. |
| General Sir Michael Jackson, the former head of the army, was there, not far from Alan West, now a peer, formerly First Sea Lord. Jackson once told him how much he envied his splendid title, and West replied: "Yes, but you would have to be First Land Lord." | General Sir Michael Jackson, the former head of the army, was there, not far from Alan West, now a peer, formerly First Sea Lord. Jackson once told him how much he envied his splendid title, and West replied: "Yes, but you would have to be First Land Lord." |
| I sat next to Ronnie Corbett, whom I had never met, but who turned out to be as warm and friendly as you would hope. I asked about Ronnie Barker, who used to send in material to The Frost Report and The Two Ronnies under the pseudonym Gerald Wiley because he wanted the sketches to be used because they were good, not because he was in the show. At one point Gerald Wiley was writing three-quarters of the scripts, but Barker would put people off the scent by criticising them, or saying he didn't understand a particular line. | I sat next to Ronnie Corbett, whom I had never met, but who turned out to be as warm and friendly as you would hope. I asked about Ronnie Barker, who used to send in material to The Frost Report and The Two Ronnies under the pseudonym Gerald Wiley because he wanted the sketches to be used because they were good, not because he was in the show. At one point Gerald Wiley was writing three-quarters of the scripts, but Barker would put people off the scent by criticising them, or saying he didn't understand a particular line. |
| He finally confessed at a big Chinese dinner for the team. I said to Corbett that I assumed he had known well beforehand, and he said: "Yes – he told me at lunch on that same day." | He finally confessed at a big Chinese dinner for the team. I said to Corbett that I assumed he had known well beforehand, and he said: "Yes – he told me at lunch on that same day." |
| Barry Cryer was there. He is hard of hearing now, so has the subtitles on when he watches the news, and chortles at the errors that creep in. One he missed, but a friend passed on. A story about the education secretary wanting to change GCSEs was captioned: "Michael Gove wants to back a lorry out." | Barry Cryer was there. He is hard of hearing now, so has the subtitles on when he watches the news, and chortles at the errors that creep in. One he missed, but a friend passed on. A story about the education secretary wanting to change GCSEs was captioned: "Michael Gove wants to back a lorry out." |
| ✒Jill Freud, widow of Clement, bought two little toy kittens for a grandchild. They were labelled "This is a gift. Not for use in play by children." WHSmith remains a playground for hyper-anxious lawyers. A packet of drawing pins declares: "Caution. Contains functional sharp points." And here's another example of the need for good punctuation. Headline from the Weekend Echo in Gloucestershire, "Mum's delight at support for fight to eat daughter." (The girl has a condition that means she can only be fed through a tube. "Fight-to-eat daughter" would have worked better, if inelegantly.) | ✒Jill Freud, widow of Clement, bought two little toy kittens for a grandchild. They were labelled "This is a gift. Not for use in play by children." WHSmith remains a playground for hyper-anxious lawyers. A packet of drawing pins declares: "Caution. Contains functional sharp points." And here's another example of the need for good punctuation. Headline from the Weekend Echo in Gloucestershire, "Mum's delight at support for fight to eat daughter." (The girl has a condition that means she can only be fed through a tube. "Fight-to-eat daughter" would have worked better, if inelegantly.) |
| ✒An apology: last week I said that Lord Ashcroft had provided all the food and drink at the Political Books of the Year awards. I was wrong; he only coughed up the prize money. Our browsing and sluicing was largely thanks to Paddy Power. | ✒An apology: last week I said that Lord Ashcroft had provided all the food and drink at the Political Books of the Year awards. I was wrong; he only coughed up the prize money. Our browsing and sluicing was largely thanks to Paddy Power. |
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