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On the downside: bad meat and angry meteors. On the upside: awesome footage On the downside: bad meat and angry meteors. On the upside: awesome footage
(7 months later)
As a fan of nightmarish dystopian sci-fi, I've been enjoying watching the rolling news channels immensely of late. Well, for a few seconds anyway, until I remember it's all really happening. Then I stand up and start smashing dustbin lids against the wall, screaming. If you live in London, you've probably heard me.As a fan of nightmarish dystopian sci-fi, I've been enjoying watching the rolling news channels immensely of late. Well, for a few seconds anyway, until I remember it's all really happening. Then I stand up and start smashing dustbin lids against the wall, screaming. If you live in London, you've probably heard me.
First we had an equine restaging of Soylent Green in which we all, as a nation, looked up from the trough for a moment to spit out a lump of unidentified sinew. It turns out thousands of us may have gobbled off a horse. The shredded stallion scandal shows no signs of abating, and last week went international, as it was revealed the meat in your microwaved lasagne has racked up more air miles than Elton John by the time it hits your tonsils. Seriously, did you see the maps showing the route it takes? France, Luxembourg, Romania … it's like James Bond, but deader and dumber and minced up and eaten.First we had an equine restaging of Soylent Green in which we all, as a nation, looked up from the trough for a moment to spit out a lump of unidentified sinew. It turns out thousands of us may have gobbled off a horse. The shredded stallion scandal shows no signs of abating, and last week went international, as it was revealed the meat in your microwaved lasagne has racked up more air miles than Elton John by the time it hits your tonsils. Seriously, did you see the maps showing the route it takes? France, Luxembourg, Romania … it's like James Bond, but deader and dumber and minced up and eaten.
Surely they could cut down on transportation costs by simply constructing a pipeline to carry the minced slurry from one nation to the next. And why stop there? Once you've laid the pipes you can expand the system – make it like the water supply, but for ground mammal sludge. You pay a small fee to have your house connected to it, and hey presto: a torrent of warm bolognese on tap 24 hours a day. And add some fluoride while you're about it.Surely they could cut down on transportation costs by simply constructing a pipeline to carry the minced slurry from one nation to the next. And why stop there? Once you've laid the pipes you can expand the system – make it like the water supply, but for ground mammal sludge. You pay a small fee to have your house connected to it, and hey presto: a torrent of warm bolognese on tap 24 hours a day. And add some fluoride while you're about it.
The Romanian connection to the horsemeat scandal initially got the news broadcasters quite excited, because for a moment it looked like we could pin the blame on insensitive horse-murdering foreigners. Suddenly there were news packages littered with shots of Romanian pony-and-trap riders clopping through the streets of Bucharest, the unspoken implication being that the entire nation was a medieval anachronism where horses were in plentiful supply. To be fair to the reporters, the Romanian meat industry didn't do itself any favours by supplying a heavyset media spokesman who sat in a poky office smoking at his desk, with what looked like a sizeable collection of reindeer skulls littering the floor.The Romanian connection to the horsemeat scandal initially got the news broadcasters quite excited, because for a moment it looked like we could pin the blame on insensitive horse-murdering foreigners. Suddenly there were news packages littered with shots of Romanian pony-and-trap riders clopping through the streets of Bucharest, the unspoken implication being that the entire nation was a medieval anachronism where horses were in plentiful supply. To be fair to the reporters, the Romanian meat industry didn't do itself any favours by supplying a heavyset media spokesman who sat in a poky office smoking at his desk, with what looked like a sizeable collection of reindeer skulls littering the floor.
But about 10 minutes later the finger of blame pointed back home, as British police began raiding meat plants all over the country. Let's face it, chances are none of us has actually eaten a cow since about 1998. It's been horse, horse, horse. And it won't stop there. They'll be turning up evidence of peopleburgers next. I know it and you know it. Might as well get used to the idea: you are a cannibal, and have been for years.But about 10 minutes later the finger of blame pointed back home, as British police began raiding meat plants all over the country. Let's face it, chances are none of us has actually eaten a cow since about 1998. It's been horse, horse, horse. And it won't stop there. They'll be turning up evidence of peopleburgers next. I know it and you know it. Might as well get used to the idea: you are a cannibal, and have been for years.
One peculiar consequence of the story is that just about every news bulletin for the past 10 days has featured stock footage of the inside of an abattoir; strings of chewed flesh spewing from mincers while anonymous men in bloodstained overalls hack dementedly at scarlet carcasses. I've seen things that have changed me. The other day a guy was sawing a lamb carcass in half; it was mainly hollowed out apart from the kidneys, which were lolling about uselessly like glistening brown eggs, while the anchor monotonously droned on about traces of phenylbutazone. Meanwhile, I was eating lunch without pausing for breath. I'm fairly confident I could now eat sandwiches in a field-hospital tent during a civil war. I couldn't have said that two weeks agoOne peculiar consequence of the story is that just about every news bulletin for the past 10 days has featured stock footage of the inside of an abattoir; strings of chewed flesh spewing from mincers while anonymous men in bloodstained overalls hack dementedly at scarlet carcasses. I've seen things that have changed me. The other day a guy was sawing a lamb carcass in half; it was mainly hollowed out apart from the kidneys, which were lolling about uselessly like glistening brown eggs, while the anchor monotonously droned on about traces of phenylbutazone. Meanwhile, I was eating lunch without pausing for breath. I'm fairly confident I could now eat sandwiches in a field-hospital tent during a civil war. I couldn't have said that two weeks ago
It's strange the broadcasters feel the need to show us this, and show us it repeatedly. We've spent years trying to pretend we don't understand how dead cow is made, and then they go and spoil it all by grabbing a fistful of entrails and wiping our faces with it. Still, at least all this negative coverage of meat makes vegetarians happy. Or at least it would do, if they had the energy to be happy.It's strange the broadcasters feel the need to show us this, and show us it repeatedly. We've spent years trying to pretend we don't understand how dead cow is made, and then they go and spoil it all by grabbing a fistful of entrails and wiping our faces with it. Still, at least all this negative coverage of meat makes vegetarians happy. Or at least it would do, if they had the energy to be happy.
Just about the only thing that eclipsed the ongoing horse horror was the petrifying footage of the Russian meteor strike, some of which resembled a celestial game of Angry Birds played by God. It's not very often you see an image on the news that makes you instinctively want to run for shelter. If those pictures of the blazing fireball searing toward the ground didn't make your bowels shiver like a ghost, you're simply not human.Just about the only thing that eclipsed the ongoing horse horror was the petrifying footage of the Russian meteor strike, some of which resembled a celestial game of Angry Birds played by God. It's not very often you see an image on the news that makes you instinctively want to run for shelter. If those pictures of the blazing fireball searing toward the ground didn't make your bowels shiver like a ghost, you're simply not human.
Having spent most of the 1980s having regular nightmares about nuclear war, I was thrilled to discover how accurate the images of imminent destruction I'd pictured in my sleep actually were. Come to think of it, if the meteor had hurtled over the Urals at the height of the cold war, chances are Moscow would have mistaken it for an incoming nuclear attack and launched an immediate counterstrike on western targets, and I wouldn't be sitting here typing this now. I'd be stabbing a man to death in a fight over the citadel's last remaining potato.Having spent most of the 1980s having regular nightmares about nuclear war, I was thrilled to discover how accurate the images of imminent destruction I'd pictured in my sleep actually were. Come to think of it, if the meteor had hurtled over the Urals at the height of the cold war, chances are Moscow would have mistaken it for an incoming nuclear attack and launched an immediate counterstrike on western targets, and I wouldn't be sitting here typing this now. I'd be stabbing a man to death in a fight over the citadel's last remaining potato.
The images couldn't have come at a better time, given that a far bigger asteroid was due to scrape past us later that same day, passing close enough that if you climbed on your roof and reached up, you could scratch bits of spacedust off it with your fingernails.The images couldn't have come at a better time, given that a far bigger asteroid was due to scrape past us later that same day, passing close enough that if you climbed on your roof and reached up, you could scratch bits of spacedust off it with your fingernails.
In the end, asteroid DA14 chickened out of destroying us and ran away to hide behind the sun like a pussy. Which was almost a disappointment when you consider just how awesome the footage would've been.In the end, asteroid DA14 chickened out of destroying us and ran away to hide behind the sun like a pussy. Which was almost a disappointment when you consider just how awesome the footage would've been.
Still, so far 2013 has brought us meteor strikes and mass cannibalism (probably). And it's still only February.Still, so far 2013 has brought us meteor strikes and mass cannibalism (probably). And it's still only February.
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