'Tsunami: the terrible toll' diff viewer (2/3)

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Tsunami: the terrible toll	Tsunami: the terrible toll
2013-05-13 14:20:17 UTC	2013-05-21 20:12:32 UTC (8 days later)
I thought nothing of it at first. The ocean looked a little closer to our hotel than usual. That was all. A white, foamy wave had climbed all the way up to the rim of sand where the beach fell abruptly down to the sea. You never saw water on that stretch of sand. It was our friend Orlantha who alerted me. A short while before, she'd knocked on our door to ask if we were ready to leave. We almost were.	I thought nothing of it at first. The ocean looked a little closer to our hotel than usual. That was all. A white, foamy wave had climbed all the way up to the rim of sand where the beach fell abruptly down to the sea. You never saw water on that stretch of sand. It was our friend Orlantha who alerted me. A short while before, she'd knocked on our door to ask if we were ready to leave. We almost were.
Steve was in the shower, or reading on the toilet more likely. Our two boys were on the back veranda, buzzing around their Christmas presents.	Steve was in the shower, or reading on the toilet more likely. Our two boys were on the back veranda, buzzing around their Christmas presents.
This was Yala, a national park on the south-eastern coast of Sri Lanka. White-bellied sea eagles abound here, and for Vikram they were the most splendid of birds. For a nearly eight-year-old, Vikram knew heaps about birds. A pair of sea eagles nested near the lagoon that edged this hotel in Yala, and he'd sit on a rock on the shore and wait hours, hungry for a glimpse of them.	This was Yala, a national park on the south-eastern coast of Sri Lanka. White-bellied sea eagles abound here, and for Vikram they were the most splendid of birds. For a nearly eight-year-old, Vikram knew heaps about birds. A pair of sea eagles nested near the lagoon that edged this hotel in Yala, and he'd sit on a rock on the shore and wait hours, hungry for a glimpse of them.
We had spent four days here, with my parents. In less than a week Steve, the boys and I would be flying home to London. We had driven down to Yala from Colombo on the morning after Malli's violin concert. Not that Malli had any commitment to the violin, it was being on stage he loved. He stood there and mimicked the little girl next to him, flourishing his bow with convincing exactness. "He's faking it, Mum, he's faking it," Vik whispered to me that night at the concert, impressed by his five-year-old brother's brazen nerve.	We had spent four days here, with my parents. In less than a week Steve, the boys and I would be flying home to London. We had driven down to Yala from Colombo on the morning after Malli's violin concert. Not that Malli had any commitment to the violin, it was being on stage he loved. He stood there and mimicked the little girl next to him, flourishing his bow with convincing exactness. "He's faking it, Mum, he's faking it," Vik whispered to me that night at the concert, impressed by his five-year-old brother's brazen nerve.
Our friend Orlantha gave Malli violin lessons on our trips to Sri Lanka. Now she and I chatted in the doorway of this hotel room. She watched the antics of my boys and told me that she would love to start a family soon. "What you guys have is a dream," she said.	Our friend Orlantha gave Malli violin lessons on our trips to Sri Lanka. Now she and I chatted in the doorway of this hotel room. She watched the antics of my boys and told me that she would love to start a family soon. "What you guys have is a dream," she said.
It was then she saw the wave. "Oh my God, the sea's coming in." That's what she said. I looked behind me. It didn't seem that remarkable. Or alarming. It was only the white curl of a big wave. But you couldn't usually see breaking waves from our room. You hardly noticed the ocean at all. It was just a glint of blue above that wide spread of sand that sloped sharply down to the water. Now the froth of a wave had scaled up this slope and was nearing the tall conifers that were halfway between our room and the water's edge, incongruous those trees in this landscape of brittle thorny scrub. This was peculiar. I called out to Steve in the bathroom.	It was then she saw the wave. "Oh my God, the sea's coming in." That's what she said. I looked behind me. It didn't seem that remarkable. Or alarming. It was only the white curl of a big wave. But you couldn't usually see breaking waves from our room. You hardly noticed the ocean at all. It was just a glint of blue above that wide spread of sand that sloped sharply down to the water. Now the froth of a wave had scaled up this slope and was nearing the tall conifers that were halfway between our room and the water's edge, incongruous those trees in this landscape of brittle thorny scrub. This was peculiar. I called out to Steve in the bathroom.
"Come out, Steve, I want to show you something odd." I didn't want him to miss this. I wanted him to come out quick before all this foam dissolved.	"Come out, Steve, I want to show you something odd." I didn't want him to miss this. I wanted him to come out quick before all this foam dissolved.
"In a minute," Steve muttered, with no intention of rushing out.	"In a minute," Steve muttered, with no intention of rushing out.
Then there was more white froth. And more. Vik was sitting by the back door reading the first page of The Hobbit. I told him to shut that door. It was a glass door with four panels, and he closed each one, then came across the room and stood by me. He didn't say anything, he didn't ask me what was going on.	Then there was more white froth. And more. Vik was sitting by the back door reading the first page of The Hobbit. I told him to shut that door. It was a glass door with four panels, and he closed each one, then came across the room and stood by me. He didn't say anything, he didn't ask me what was going on.
The foam turned into waves. Waves leaping over the ridge where the beach ended. This was not normal. The sea never came this far in. Waves not receding or dissolving. Closer now. Brown and grey. Brown or grey. Waves rushing past the conifers and coming closer to our room. All these waves now, charging, churning. Suddenly furious. Suddenly menacing.	The foam turned into waves. Waves leaping over the ridge where the beach ended. This was not normal. The sea never came this far in. Waves not receding or dissolving. Closer now. Brown and grey. Brown or grey. Waves rushing past the conifers and coming closer to our room. All these waves now, charging, churning. Suddenly furious. Suddenly menacing.
"Steve, you've got to come out. Now."	"Steve, you've got to come out. Now."
Steve ran out of the bathroom, tying his sarong. He looked outside. We didn't speak.	Steve ran out of the bathroom, tying his sarong. He looked outside. We didn't speak.
I grabbed Vik and Malli, and we all ran out the front door. I was ahead of Steve. I held the boys each by the hand.	I grabbed Vik and Malli, and we all ran out the front door. I was ahead of Steve. I held the boys each by the hand.
"Give me one of them. Give me one of them," Steve shouted, reaching out. But I didn't. That would have slowed us down. We had no time. We had to be fast. I knew that. But I didn't know what I was fleeing from.	"Give me one of them. Give me one of them," Steve shouted, reaching out. But I didn't. That would have slowed us down. We had no time. We had to be fast. I knew that. But I didn't know what I was fleeing from.
I didn't stop for my parents. I didn't stop to knock on the door of my parents' room, which was next to ours, on the right as we ran out. I didn't shout to warn them. I didn't bang on their door and call them out. As I ran past, for a split second, I wondered if I should. But I couldn't stop. It will stall us. We must keep running. I held the boys tight by their hands. We have to get out.	I didn't stop for my parents. I didn't stop to knock on the door of my parents' room, which was next to ours, on the right as we ran out. I didn't shout to warn them. I didn't bang on their door and call them out. As I ran past, for a split second, I wondered if I should. But I couldn't stop. It will stall us. We must keep running. I held the boys tight by their hands. We have to get out.
We fled towards the driveway at the front of the hotel. The boys ran as fast as I did. They didn't stumble or fall. They were barefoot, but they didn't slow down because stones or thorns were hurting them. They didn't say a word. Our feet were loud, though. I could hear them, slamming the ground.	We fled towards the driveway at the front of the hotel. The boys ran as fast as I did. They didn't stumble or fall. They were barefoot, but they didn't slow down because stones or thorns were hurting them. They didn't say a word. Our feet were loud, though. I could hear them, slamming the ground.
Ahead of us a Jeep was moving, fast. Now it stopped. A safari Jeep with open back and sides and a brown canvas hood. This Jeep was waiting for us. We ran up to it. I flung Vikram into the back, and he landed facedown on the green, corrugated-metal floor. Steve jumped in and picked him up. We were all inside now. Steve had Vik on his lap, I sat across from them with Malli on mine. A man was driving the Jeep. I didn't know who he was.	Ahead of us a Jeep was moving, fast. Now it stopped. A safari Jeep with open back and sides and a brown canvas hood. This Jeep was waiting for us. We ran up to it. I flung Vikram into the back, and he landed facedown on the green, corrugated-metal floor. Steve jumped in and picked him up. We were all inside now. Steve had Vik on his lap, I sat across from them with Malli on mine. A man was driving the Jeep. I didn't know who he was.
Now I looked around me and nothing was unusual. No frothing waters here, only the hotel. It was all as it should be. The waves must have receded, I thought.	Now I looked around me and nothing was unusual. No frothing waters here, only the hotel. It was all as it should be. The waves must have receded, I thought.
We were leaving my parents behind. I panicked now. If I had screamed at their door as we ran out, they could have run with us. "We didn't get Aachchi and Seeya," I yelled to Steve. This made Vikram cry. Steve held on to him, clasping him to his chest. "Aachchi and Seeya will be OK, they will come later, they will come," Steve said. Vik stopped crying and snuggled into Steve.	We were leaving my parents behind. I panicked now. If I had screamed at their door as we ran out, they could have run with us. "We didn't get Aachchi and Seeya," I yelled to Steve. This made Vikram cry. Steve held on to him, clasping him to his chest. "Aachchi and Seeya will be OK, they will come later, they will come," Steve said. Vik stopped crying and snuggled into Steve.
I was thankful for Steve's words, I was reassured. Steve is right. There are no waves now. Ma and Da, they will walk out of their room. We will get out of here first, and they'll join us. I had an image of my father walking out of the hotel, there were puddles everywhere, he had his trousers rolled up. I'll ring Ma on her mobile as soon as I get to a phone, I thought.	I was thankful for Steve's words, I was reassured. Steve is right. There are no waves now. Ma and Da, they will walk out of their room. We will get out of here first, and they'll join us. I had an image of my father walking out of the hotel, there were puddles everywhere, he had his trousers rolled up. I'll ring Ma on her mobile as soon as I get to a phone, I thought.
We were nearing the end of the hotel driveway. We were about to turn left on to the dirt track that runs by the lagoon. Steve stared at the road ahead of us. He kept banging his heel on the floor of the Jeep. Hurry up, get a move on.	We were nearing the end of the hotel driveway. We were about to turn left on to the dirt track that runs by the lagoon. Steve stared at the road ahead of us. He kept banging his heel on the floor of the Jeep. Hurry up, get a move on.
The Jeep was in water then. Suddenly, all this water inside the Jeep. Water sloshing over our knees. Where did this water come from? I didn't see those waves get to us. This water must have burst out from beneath the ground. What is happening? The Jeep moved forward slowly. I could hear its engine straining, snarling. We can drive through this water, I thought.	The Jeep was in water then. Suddenly, all this water inside the Jeep. Water sloshing over our knees. Where did this water come from? I didn't see those waves get to us. This water must have burst out from beneath the ground. What is happening? The Jeep moved forward slowly. I could hear its engine straining, snarling. We can drive through this water, I thought.
We were tilting from side to side. The water was rising now, filling the Jeep. It came up to our chests. Steve and I lifted the boys as high as we could. Steve held Vik, I had Mal. Their faces above the water, the tops of their heads pressing against the Jeep's canvas hood, our hands tight under their armpits. The Jeep rocked. It was floating, the wheels no longer gripping the ground. We kept steadying ourselves on the seats. No one spoke. No one uttered a sound.	We were tilting from side to side. The water was rising now, filling the Jeep. It came up to our chests. Steve and I lifted the boys as high as we could. Steve held Vik, I had Mal. Their faces above the water, the tops of their heads pressing against the Jeep's canvas hood, our hands tight under their armpits. The Jeep rocked. It was floating, the wheels no longer gripping the ground. We kept steadying ourselves on the seats. No one spoke. No one uttered a sound.
Then I saw Steve's face. I'd never seen him like that before. A sudden look of terror, eyes wide open, mouth agape. He saw something behind me that I couldn't see. I didn't have time to turn around and look. Because it turned over. The Jeep turned over.	Then I saw Steve's face. I'd never seen him like that before. A sudden look of terror, eyes wide open, mouth agape. He saw something behind me that I couldn't see. I didn't have time to turn around and look. Because it turned over. The Jeep turned over.
Pain. That was all I could feel. Where am I? Something was crushing my chest. I am trapped under the Jeep, I thought, I am being flattened by it. I tried to push it away, I wanted to wriggle out. But it was too heavy, whatever was on me, the pain unrelenting in my chest. I wasn't stuck under anything. I was moving, I could tell now. My body was curled up, I was spinning fast.	Pain. That was all I could feel. Where am I? Something was crushing my chest. I am trapped under the Jeep, I thought, I am being flattened by it. I tried to push it away, I wanted to wriggle out. But it was too heavy, whatever was on me, the pain unrelenting in my chest. I wasn't stuck under anything. I was moving, I could tell now. My body was curled up, I was spinning fast.
Am I underwater? It didn't feel like water, but it has to be, I thought. I was being dragged along, and my body was whipping backwards and forwards. I couldn't stop myself. When at times my eyes opened, I couldn't see water. Smoky and grey. That was all I could make out. And my chest. It hurt like it was being pummelled by a great stone.	Am I underwater? It didn't feel like water, but it has to be, I thought. I was being dragged along, and my body was whipping backwards and forwards. I couldn't stop myself. When at times my eyes opened, I couldn't see water. Smoky and grey. That was all I could make out. And my chest. It hurt like it was being pummelled by a great stone.
This is a dream. It's one of those dreams where you keep falling and falling, and then you wake up. I was sure of this now. I pinched myself. Again and again. I could feel the nip on my thigh, through my trousers. But I wasn't waking up. The water was pulling me along with a speed I did not recognise, propelling me forward with a power I could not resist. I was shoved through branches of trees and bushes, and here and there my elbows and knees smashed into something hard.	This is a dream. It's one of those dreams where you keep falling and falling, and then you wake up. I was sure of this now. I pinched myself. Again and again. I could feel the nip on my thigh, through my trousers. But I wasn't waking up. The water was pulling me along with a speed I did not recognise, propelling me forward with a power I could not resist. I was shoved through branches of trees and bushes, and here and there my elbows and knees smashed into something hard.
Colombo, the first six months after	Colombo, the first six months after
They are my world. How do I make them dead? My mind toppled.	They are my world. How do I make them dead? My mind toppled.
Pieces of me hovered in a murky netherworld, timeless day after timeless day.	Pieces of me hovered in a murky netherworld, timeless day after timeless day.
In a stupor I began to teach myself the impossible. I had to learn it even by rote. We will not fly back to London. The boys will not be at school on Tuesday. Steve will not call me from work to ask if I took them in on time. Vik will not play tag outside his classroom again. Malli will not skip in a circle with some little girls. The Gruffalo. Malli will not cuddle me in bed and read about the Gruffalo, with that poisonous wart at the end of its nose. Vik will not be excited by whoever scored for Liverpool. They will not peep into the oven to check if my apple crumble has cooked. My chant went on. But I could not absorb any of it.	In a stupor I began to teach myself the impossible. I had to learn it even by rote. We will not fly back to London. The boys will not be at school on Tuesday. Steve will not call me from work to ask if I took them in on time. Vik will not play tag outside his classroom again. Malli will not skip in a circle with some little girls. The Gruffalo. Malli will not cuddle me in bed and read about the Gruffalo, with that poisonous wart at the end of its nose. Vik will not be excited by whoever scored for Liverpool. They will not peep into the oven to check if my apple crumble has cooked. My chant went on. But I could not absorb any of it.
I'd put pizzas in the freezer for the boys because our flight got into Heathrow late. The milkman will deliver our usual the next morning, I'd left a note. We are going to a party at Anita's on New Year's Eve. It was Christmas. Vik and Malli were singing their favourite version of Jingle Bells, squealing out the line "Uncle Billy lost his willy on the motorway." Not long ago they were giddy with Halloween. Their leftover bounty of sweeties is still in an orange bucket in the kitchen. I can feel their gloved fingers twining mine. It's fireworks night, I can smell damp November on their cheeks.	I'd put pizzas in the freezer for the boys because our flight got into Heathrow late. The milkman will deliver our usual the next morning, I'd left a note. We are going to a party at Anita's on New Year's Eve. It was Christmas. Vik and Malli were singing their favourite version of Jingle Bells, squealing out the line "Uncle Billy lost his willy on the motorway." Not long ago they were giddy with Halloween. Their leftover bounty of sweeties is still in an orange bucket in the kitchen. I can feel their gloved fingers twining mine. It's fireworks night, I can smell damp November on their cheeks.
All that they were missing, I desperately shut out. I was terrified of everything because everything was from that life. Anything that excited them, I wanted destroyed. I panicked if I saw a flower. Malli would have stuck it in my hair. I couldn't tolerate a blade of grass. That's where Vik would have stamped. At dusk I shuddered when I glimpsed the thousands of bats and crows that crisscrossed the Colombo sky. I wanted them extinct, they belonged in my old life; that display always thrilled my boys.	All that they were missing, I desperately shut out. I was terrified of everything because everything was from that life. Anything that excited them, I wanted destroyed. I panicked if I saw a flower. Malli would have stuck it in my hair. I couldn't tolerate a blade of grass. That's where Vik would have stamped. At dusk I shuddered when I glimpsed the thousands of bats and crows that crisscrossed the Colombo sky. I wanted them extinct, they belonged in my old life; that display always thrilled my boys.
Now I had to make myself safe. I had to shrink my sight.	Now I had to make myself safe. I had to shrink my sight.
English countryside, 2007	English countryside, 2007
It was the light that did it. It was the angle of the sun at five o'clock on a Sunday evening in early March on a country road somewhere in Shropshire. It was those sinking rays slanting against a yew tree and glinting on the wing mirror on my side of the car, dazzling my eyes. The hawthorn hedgerows on either side of the road throw long shadows in this light. This light that is so very familiar unexpectedly makes me forget. It makes me forget that I am driving back from Wales with my friends David and Carole. It sends me into our car, Steve at the wheel, the boys at the back. The four of us drive the gentle curves of an English country road as we have done innumerable times before.	It was the light that did it. It was the angle of the sun at five o'clock on a Sunday evening in early March on a country road somewhere in Shropshire. It was those sinking rays slanting against a yew tree and glinting on the wing mirror on my side of the car, dazzling my eyes. The hawthorn hedgerows on either side of the road throw long shadows in this light. This light that is so very familiar unexpectedly makes me forget. It makes me forget that I am driving back from Wales with my friends David and Carole. It sends me into our car, Steve at the wheel, the boys at the back. The four of us drive the gentle curves of an English country road as we have done innumerable times before.
For three years I've tried indelibly to imprint "they are dead" on my consciousness, afraid of slipping up and forgetting, of thinking they are alive. Coming out of that lapse, however momentary, will be more harrowing than the constant knowing, surely. But now I am unmoored simply by the familiar light. This is different from remembering them, warily, as I usually do. This is tumbling into them, into our life, into our car. This is slipping up. I can see the tiny starlike crack on the windscreen made by the pebble that shot out of the road and smashed into the glass no sooner than we'd bought the car. The AA road atlas by my feet is trodden and creased. Vik sits behind me, Malli behind Steve. There are two Ribena cartons between them, drained empty so their sides are curved in, the last drops of blackcurrant juice leaking out of the straws and staining the seat. Also, a spit-covered core of an apple that one of them could easily have thrown out the window instead of leaving there to roll off and rot under the accelerator pedal. We have to get home and fix their dinner. The rush of Sunday evenings.	For three years I've tried indelibly to imprint "they are dead" on my consciousness, afraid of slipping up and forgetting, of thinking they are alive. Coming out of that lapse, however momentary, will be more harrowing than the constant knowing, surely. But now I am unmoored simply by the familiar light. This is different from remembering them, warily, as I usually do. This is tumbling into them, into our life, into our car. This is slipping up. I can see the tiny starlike crack on the windscreen made by the pebble that shot out of the road and smashed into the glass no sooner than we'd bought the car. The AA road atlas by my feet is trodden and creased. Vik sits behind me, Malli behind Steve. There are two Ribena cartons between them, drained empty so their sides are curved in, the last drops of blackcurrant juice leaking out of the straws and staining the seat. Also, a spit-covered core of an apple that one of them could easily have thrown out the window instead of leaving there to roll off and rot under the accelerator pedal. We have to get home and fix their dinner. The rush of Sunday evenings.
Was that a dead pheasant on the side of the road? They are not here, they would have noticed it if they were. They would have said something. Yuk. Cool. When do you think it got killed, Dad? They are not here. But I don't want to emerge out of them. I want to hover inside our metallic blue Renault Mégane Scénic. Why am I allowing this? I will have to crawl back into reality soon, and that will be agony. Maybe it is the somnolent warmth of Dave's car that entices me to forget in this way. Now I slip up again, this time voluntarily.	Was that a dead pheasant on the side of the road? They are not here, they would have noticed it if they were. They would have said something. Yuk. Cool. When do you think it got killed, Dad? They are not here. But I don't want to emerge out of them. I want to hover inside our metallic blue Renault Mégane Scénic. Why am I allowing this? I will have to crawl back into reality soon, and that will be agony. Maybe it is the somnolent warmth of Dave's car that entices me to forget in this way. Now I slip up again, this time voluntarily.