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Captain Edward Bland left Iraq on an emergency flight in July 2006, airlifted out of the country on a "casualty evacuation" military plane that took off from the Shaibah base, where he had been treated in hospital for a week.Captain Edward Bland left Iraq on an emergency flight in July 2006, airlifted out of the country on a "casualty evacuation" military plane that took off from the Shaibah base, where he had been treated in hospital for a week.
His thoughts were scrambled that hot morning as the RAF C-17 arced into the sky. He knew he would not return to combat, and he knew his career in the army, which had been so promising, was over. Unlike other soldiers returning home, he had not suffered horrific physical damage. He was not going back with lost limbs. His injuries seemed more shameful and less deserving of sympathy. Bland had suffered a breakdown, a seemingly inglorious end for a man trained to fight and lead men, and his predicament was made worse by the unforgiving attitude of his commanding officer.His thoughts were scrambled that hot morning as the RAF C-17 arced into the sky. He knew he would not return to combat, and he knew his career in the army, which had been so promising, was over. Unlike other soldiers returning home, he had not suffered horrific physical damage. He was not going back with lost limbs. His injuries seemed more shameful and less deserving of sympathy. Bland had suffered a breakdown, a seemingly inglorious end for a man trained to fight and lead men, and his predicament was made worse by the unforgiving attitude of his commanding officer.
"The way he spoke to me, it was as if he was bitterly disappointed in me. He saw me as a hindrance," Bland says. "He was unfriendly and unimpressed.""The way he spoke to me, it was as if he was bitterly disappointed in me. He saw me as a hindrance," Bland says. "He was unfriendly and unimpressed."
Bland, 34, was not the first soldier from Iraq to be diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but he is one of only a few prepared to talk about his experiences, as he emerges from a desperately bleak period which cost him his marriage, his career and, for a while, his mind.Bland, 34, was not the first soldier from Iraq to be diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but he is one of only a few prepared to talk about his experiences, as he emerges from a desperately bleak period which cost him his marriage, his career and, for a while, his mind.
The 10-year anniversary of the Iraq conflict is a milestone for him, but it is also an important marker for veterans' charities, which are braced for an upsurge in trauma-related illnesses among ex-service personnel. For Bland, his troubles began on duty, but for most veterans there is a time lag – a decade or more – before symptoms appear.The 10-year anniversary of the Iraq conflict is a milestone for him, but it is also an important marker for veterans' charities, which are braced for an upsurge in trauma-related illnesses among ex-service personnel. For Bland, his troubles began on duty, but for most veterans there is a time lag – a decade or more – before symptoms appear.
In the last three years one of the main military charities, Combat Stress, has seen a growing number of referrals from those who served in Iraq, even though the British pulled out in 2009.In the last three years one of the main military charities, Combat Stress, has seen a growing number of referrals from those who served in Iraq, even though the British pulled out in 2009.
It has more than 1,200 former members of the military on its books for Iraq, and has noted a 70% rise in the number of veterans coming forward following service in Afghanistan.It has more than 1,200 former members of the military on its books for Iraq, and has noted a 70% rise in the number of veterans coming forward following service in Afghanistan.
That is likely to increase further as British forces withdraw from Helmand province, and thousands more soldiers are made redundant as part of the cuts programme. Those who leave will find the NHS is ill-equipped to cope with them, and the established military help groups are straining to look after the cases they already have.That is likely to increase further as British forces withdraw from Helmand province, and thousands more soldiers are made redundant as part of the cuts programme. Those who leave will find the NHS is ill-equipped to cope with them, and the established military help groups are straining to look after the cases they already have.
To cope with demand, new charities have emerged in recent years, such as Talking2Minds, run by former special forces soldier Bob Paxton. He believes the number with serious mental health issues is vastly underestimated by the Ministry of Defence. "Once someone has left the military, once they are out of that family, they are on their own," Paxton says. "The MoD loses interest in them pretty quickly. They have to focus on the people still in service."To cope with demand, new charities have emerged in recent years, such as Talking2Minds, run by former special forces soldier Bob Paxton. He believes the number with serious mental health issues is vastly underestimated by the Ministry of Defence. "Once someone has left the military, once they are out of that family, they are on their own," Paxton says. "The MoD loses interest in them pretty quickly. They have to focus on the people still in service."
But while the charities agree about the scale of the problem, they differ over solutions, and there is a danger the clash between "the old and the new" will confuse veterans seeking help. Commodore Andrew Cameron, chief executive of Combat Stress, says that after more than a decade of conflict, involving tens of thousands of troops, the UK has to accept it has a significant new problem, and a duty of care to solve it.But while the charities agree about the scale of the problem, they differ over solutions, and there is a danger the clash between "the old and the new" will confuse veterans seeking help. Commodore Andrew Cameron, chief executive of Combat Stress, says that after more than a decade of conflict, involving tens of thousands of troops, the UK has to accept it has a significant new problem, and a duty of care to solve it.
"Do we need to do more for veterans? Yes. Can we do more? Probably. Can the charities do it themselves? No. A broken arm is obvious and easy to treat. A broken mind is not.""Do we need to do more for veterans? Yes. Can we do more? Probably. Can the charities do it themselves? No. A broken arm is obvious and easy to treat. A broken mind is not."
A Durham University graduate, Bland was an officer in the 2nd Battalion the Royal Anglians, which he joined as a platoon commander after training at Sandhurst. The following year he was sent to Afghanistan, commanding 30 men who had been in Kabul for months. Within weeks, two incidents had a profound effect and began to haunt him.A Durham University graduate, Bland was an officer in the 2nd Battalion the Royal Anglians, which he joined as a platoon commander after training at Sandhurst. The following year he was sent to Afghanistan, commanding 30 men who had been in Kabul for months. Within weeks, two incidents had a profound effect and began to haunt him.
On 7 June 2003, a taxi packed with explosives rammed a coach carrying German soldiers. The troops were heading to the airport, on their way home. Four died and 29 were injured in the attack, and Bland's men were the "rapid response unit", first on the scene.On 7 June 2003, a taxi packed with explosives rammed a coach carrying German soldiers. The troops were heading to the airport, on their way home. Four died and 29 were injured in the attack, and Bland's men were the "rapid response unit", first on the scene.
"My soldiers were covered in blood, and they were trying to look after a number of seriously injured, hideously deformed soldiers. These were horrible, disturbing scenes which left me with an overbearing feeling of vulnerability."My soldiers were covered in blood, and they were trying to look after a number of seriously injured, hideously deformed soldiers. These were horrible, disturbing scenes which left me with an overbearing feeling of vulnerability.
"I asked myself: 'How am I going to be able to cope?' I felt that I couldn't. But I was brand new and I was aware that people were looking at me and assessing me, so you bottle everything up and you put on a brave face. I wanted my seniors to think I was a good guy so I didn't tell anyone."I asked myself: 'How am I going to be able to cope?' I felt that I couldn't. But I was brand new and I was aware that people were looking at me and assessing me, so you bottle everything up and you put on a brave face. I wanted my seniors to think I was a good guy so I didn't tell anyone.
"But when I was on foot patrol, I'd start thinking, the people who are smiling at me, who aren't showing any signs of hostility, will they be the ones who try to kill me? It was anxiety over the unseen enemy."But when I was on foot patrol, I'd start thinking, the people who are smiling at me, who aren't showing any signs of hostility, will they be the ones who try to kill me? It was anxiety over the unseen enemy.
"Not knowing where the shot is going to come from. Perhaps I was rubbing shoulders with someone who wants to kill me.""Not knowing where the shot is going to come from. Perhaps I was rubbing shoulders with someone who wants to kill me."
Later Bland set up an observation post on a mountain ridge on the outskirts of Kabul, trying to spot Taliban insurgents carrying weapons into the capital. At the time, the Afghan army appeared to be the enemy because of their hostility to western forces.Later Bland set up an observation post on a mountain ridge on the outskirts of Kabul, trying to spot Taliban insurgents carrying weapons into the capital. At the time, the Afghan army appeared to be the enemy because of their hostility to western forces.
"The Afghan army closed us out. There was no trust and they were antagonised by us. Our observation post overlooked an Afghan army camp. We told them where we were and they pointed the main gun from one of their tanks at our position. I sat there thinking, 'hells bells, the game's over'. The tank pointed the gun at us for two days. Every time I looked down it was pointing up at us. I can laugh about it now, but at the time, it seemed terrifying."The Afghan army closed us out. There was no trust and they were antagonised by us. Our observation post overlooked an Afghan army camp. We told them where we were and they pointed the main gun from one of their tanks at our position. I sat there thinking, 'hells bells, the game's over'. The tank pointed the gun at us for two days. Every time I looked down it was pointing up at us. I can laugh about it now, but at the time, it seemed terrifying.
"These experiences were changing me. When I came back from Afghanistan I was aware that my relationships with people, with old school friends, were different. But if you admit something like that to people in the army, it is like committing career suicide. And the army fears it could be viral. If someone shows weakness, somehow it might spread. I found the experiences shocking, and I didn't have any idea how to process them. I was in the hard-arse infantry, but I am sure I wasn't the only one struggling.""These experiences were changing me. When I came back from Afghanistan I was aware that my relationships with people, with old school friends, were different. But if you admit something like that to people in the army, it is like committing career suicide. And the army fears it could be viral. If someone shows weakness, somehow it might spread. I found the experiences shocking, and I didn't have any idea how to process them. I was in the hard-arse infantry, but I am sure I wasn't the only one struggling."
Two years later, Bland was sent to Basra, where he commanded a rapid strike unit that did "smash and grab" raids to try to capture insurgents. His team were known as "the men with ladders" because they drove around at night with ladders strapped to the sides of their Snatch Land Rovers, barging or climbing their way into homes during "very aggressive extraction operations".Two years later, Bland was sent to Basra, where he commanded a rapid strike unit that did "smash and grab" raids to try to capture insurgents. His team were known as "the men with ladders" because they drove around at night with ladders strapped to the sides of their Snatch Land Rovers, barging or climbing their way into homes during "very aggressive extraction operations".
"We'd go in as quickly as possible, terrifying anyone inside. I remember missions where wives and children were getting absolutely hysterical. It was very dangerous work and we were doing this every night. Over time, I became exhausted and stopped functioning as a human being. I could not lead or command operations at night. I stopped changing and I stopped washing. I had this overwhelming feeling that I had to get out of theatre. I couldn't do it any more." Bland saw the padre, who "realised by the smell and sight of me that something was not right. I was walking round the camp like a zombie. I thought it was something that I could snap out of, but I couldn't.""We'd go in as quickly as possible, terrifying anyone inside. I remember missions where wives and children were getting absolutely hysterical. It was very dangerous work and we were doing this every night. Over time, I became exhausted and stopped functioning as a human being. I could not lead or command operations at night. I stopped changing and I stopped washing. I had this overwhelming feeling that I had to get out of theatre. I couldn't do it any more." Bland saw the padre, who "realised by the smell and sight of me that something was not right. I was walking round the camp like a zombie. I thought it was something that I could snap out of, but I couldn't."
He was withdrawn from frontline duties, but the deterioration continued. "I was put on radio duty in an operations room. But I couldn't do it. I just sat there and froze and then got up and walked out. I was in a bad way, but I hadn't been shot or injured. I felt like a fraud." Eventually, his commanding officer sent him to a field hospital for treatment.He was withdrawn from frontline duties, but the deterioration continued. "I was put on radio duty in an operations room. But I couldn't do it. I just sat there and froze and then got up and walked out. I was in a bad way, but I hadn't been shot or injured. I felt like a fraud." Eventually, his commanding officer sent him to a field hospital for treatment.
"He had 550 people to look after, and he didn't want to make it easy for me to go home. The army doesn't want to make it easy for people to come out of conflict, and certainly not for something like this. At that moment I knew my career in the army was over. I knew I was broken, but I did not know how I was going to recover.""He had 550 people to look after, and he didn't want to make it easy for me to go home. The army doesn't want to make it easy for people to come out of conflict, and certainly not for something like this. At that moment I knew my career in the army was over. I knew I was broken, but I did not know how I was going to recover."
The MoD has a support network in the UK to help serving soldiers with these kinds of problems – the 15-strong Departments of Community Mental Health (DCMH). The MoD says 3,970 personnel were seen in 2012, of whom 2,552 had served in either Iraq or Afghanistan. Most were men, most came from the army, most from the lower ranks.The MoD has a support network in the UK to help serving soldiers with these kinds of problems – the 15-strong Departments of Community Mental Health (DCMH). The MoD says 3,970 personnel were seen in 2012, of whom 2,552 had served in either Iraq or Afghanistan. Most were men, most came from the army, most from the lower ranks.
Bland was diagnosed immediately, and he was under army care until he left the services in November 2007. After that, he was on his own, though the psychiatrist helping him at DCMH Brize Norton took pity on him and gave him extra sessions, very much under the military's radar. Bland tried to get continued psychiatric help from the NHS, but discovered that, good as the service is in so many other respects, it was "absolutely useless at dealing with ex-military PTSD".Bland was diagnosed immediately, and he was under army care until he left the services in November 2007. After that, he was on his own, though the psychiatrist helping him at DCMH Brize Norton took pity on him and gave him extra sessions, very much under the military's radar. Bland tried to get continued psychiatric help from the NHS, but discovered that, good as the service is in so many other respects, it was "absolutely useless at dealing with ex-military PTSD".
Bland had no idea who to turn to and spent a year becoming more reclusive and drinking too much. His marriage fell apart. "I was still so ill I was not looking forward at all. I was living day by day, having repeated nightmares about the coach and the tank."Bland had no idea who to turn to and spent a year becoming more reclusive and drinking too much. His marriage fell apart. "I was still so ill I was not looking forward at all. I was living day by day, having repeated nightmares about the coach and the tank."
His recovery began when a GP referred him to a psychologist who had been in the army, and through those sessions he became aware of Combat Stress. The charity offered him a place on a six-week residential course in Leatherhead, which he attended in 2011. "It beats you up, it is hard, but it works," says Bland. "I have coping mechanisms now, I know how to deal with it."His recovery began when a GP referred him to a psychologist who had been in the army, and through those sessions he became aware of Combat Stress. The charity offered him a place on a six-week residential course in Leatherhead, which he attended in 2011. "It beats you up, it is hard, but it works," says Bland. "I have coping mechanisms now, I know how to deal with it."
Bland is convinced mental health problems are much more common in the armed forces than the military will acknowledge, but he also understands the need for commanders to keep a lid on it. "It's a bigger problem than they think it is. They have to realise it is not a taboo subject and it's OK for someone to admit they are struggling."Bland is convinced mental health problems are much more common in the armed forces than the military will acknowledge, but he also understands the need for commanders to keep a lid on it. "It's a bigger problem than they think it is. They have to realise it is not a taboo subject and it's OK for someone to admit they are struggling."
Despite efforts within the military to reduce the stigma, peer pressure remains huge. "If you say you are not fine, you go into limbo," says Professor Marilyn Flynn of the University of Southern California, a specialist in PTSD. "This can last two or three months when people are going to assess you. There is no incentive to admit you might have a problem. You are not treated with contempt, but you are neither one thing or another. There is a tremendous incentive to say you are fine."Despite efforts within the military to reduce the stigma, peer pressure remains huge. "If you say you are not fine, you go into limbo," says Professor Marilyn Flynn of the University of Southern California, a specialist in PTSD. "This can last two or three months when people are going to assess you. There is no incentive to admit you might have a problem. You are not treated with contempt, but you are neither one thing or another. There is a tremendous incentive to say you are fine."
Part of the difficulty is that no one has a proper idea of the scale of the problem. Commodore Andrew Cameron says Combat Stress has about 5,000 veterans on its books and is getting 1,500 new cases every year, including soldiers who served in Northern Ireland.Part of the difficulty is that no one has a proper idea of the scale of the problem. Commodore Andrew Cameron says Combat Stress has about 5,000 veterans on its books and is getting 1,500 new cases every year, including soldiers who served in Northern Ireland.
"Just because you stop fighting, it does not mean the problem goes away. PTSD is a bit like alcoholism. You have to go a long way down before you realise something has to happen, and by that time the fabric of your life has fallen apart. Your marriage might have fallen apart, your kids are not talking to you, and you need to get your head fixed."Just because you stop fighting, it does not mean the problem goes away. PTSD is a bit like alcoholism. You have to go a long way down before you realise something has to happen, and by that time the fabric of your life has fallen apart. Your marriage might have fallen apart, your kids are not talking to you, and you need to get your head fixed.
"A lot of these men are suffering without recognising it. They get angry all the time, they can't sleep, they hit their wife because she is nagging him about doing something. It is critical veterans have a safe place to go so they can admit they are not well. It is difficult enough for a normal person, but much worse for someone who is used to having to man up.""A lot of these men are suffering without recognising it. They get angry all the time, they can't sleep, they hit their wife because she is nagging him about doing something. It is critical veterans have a safe place to go so they can admit they are not well. It is difficult enough for a normal person, but much worse for someone who is used to having to man up."
GPs, he says, often do not know how to deal with veterans, who are sent to counsellors who know little of military life. "The veterans can scare them. Their experiences are often very different. We are working with GPs on the sort of conditions that present themselves. Doctors are extraordinarily busy and if they are not seeing a lot of veterans they may not understand them."GPs, he says, often do not know how to deal with veterans, who are sent to counsellors who know little of military life. "The veterans can scare them. Their experiences are often very different. We are working with GPs on the sort of conditions that present themselves. Doctors are extraordinarily busy and if they are not seeing a lot of veterans they may not understand them."
Two years ago, the defence minister Dr Andrew Murrison wrote a report which, in part, was designed to address this problem. The recommendations are being implemented and include advice for doctors about how to deal with veterans. But there is a gap between civilians and the military that is difficult to breach.Two years ago, the defence minister Dr Andrew Murrison wrote a report which, in part, was designed to address this problem. The recommendations are being implemented and include advice for doctors about how to deal with veterans. But there is a gap between civilians and the military that is difficult to breach.
"The military chain of command has to do two things," says Cameron. "It has to get its people ready to fight, and it has to look after its people. The commander's priority is to get people to fight, to get people to that stage. And fighting is a horrible business.""The military chain of command has to do two things," says Cameron. "It has to get its people ready to fight, and it has to look after its people. The commander's priority is to get people to fight, to get people to that stage. And fighting is a horrible business."
Flynn, a trauma specialist, says there are other dangers and victims who are often left unrecognised.Flynn, a trauma specialist, says there are other dangers and victims who are often left unrecognised.
UK and US reservists, who have been relied upon for the Iraq and Afghanistan campaigns, are even more likely to slip through the net, she says.UK and US reservists, who have been relied upon for the Iraq and Afghanistan campaigns, are even more likely to slip through the net, she says.
"They do not come back into organised military communities but into communities that are oblivious to what they have been going through." Partners and children of those with mental health issues rarely get the support they need either, she adds. This can lead to relatives suffering "secondary PTSD"."They do not come back into organised military communities but into communities that are oblivious to what they have been going through." Partners and children of those with mental health issues rarely get the support they need either, she adds. This can lead to relatives suffering "secondary PTSD".
"The serviceman is the hero. He is entitled to sleepless nights and irritability. The wives and the children are not entitled to complain or to be helped. The sense is that the veterans should just be supported, but others need help too. This problem can be very persistent with children," Flynn says."The serviceman is the hero. He is entitled to sleepless nights and irritability. The wives and the children are not entitled to complain or to be helped. The sense is that the veterans should just be supported, but others need help too. This problem can be very persistent with children," Flynn says.
The prevalence of PTSD in the general population is about 4%, and the MoD says the incidence of the condition within the armed forces is roughly the same.The prevalence of PTSD in the general population is about 4%, and the MoD says the incidence of the condition within the armed forces is roughly the same.
Officials insist the issue is "a top priority", and the prime minister has asked Lord Ashcroft to review the services for veterans and give recommendations for action. His report is due by the end of the year.Officials insist the issue is "a top priority", and the prime minister has asked Lord Ashcroft to review the services for veterans and give recommendations for action. His report is due by the end of the year.
"This government has committed £7.2m to improving services," says an MoD spokesman. "We are committed to reducing the stigma of mental illness to encourage more personnel to come forward with any problems." The ministry claims the vast majority of veterans "make a successful transition to civilian life"."This government has committed £7.2m to improving services," says an MoD spokesman. "We are committed to reducing the stigma of mental illness to encourage more personnel to come forward with any problems." The ministry claims the vast majority of veterans "make a successful transition to civilian life".
But there is suspicion about the way the UK military defines and records cases of mental illness – in the US, the proportion of veterans suffering from such conditions is much higher. There is also a disconnect between the MoD figures and the anecdotal evidence of charities which have to deal with the troops who come to them for help.But there is suspicion about the way the UK military defines and records cases of mental illness – in the US, the proportion of veterans suffering from such conditions is much higher. There is also a disconnect between the MoD figures and the anecdotal evidence of charities which have to deal with the troops who come to them for help.
Of the almost 4,000 personnel seen by the MoD's mental health teams last year, just 273 were diagnosed with PTSD.Of the almost 4,000 personnel seen by the MoD's mental health teams last year, just 273 were diagnosed with PTSD.
Almost 1,000 were diagnosed with mood disorders, and 278 were diagnosed with alcohol abuse.Almost 1,000 were diagnosed with mood disorders, and 278 were diagnosed with alcohol abuse.
Because no register is kept of veterans, no one really knows what happens to them, and how many have received help or are looking for it.Because no register is kept of veterans, no one really knows what happens to them, and how many have received help or are looking for it.
Paxton, who also had PTSD, says the MoD masks the real numbers with serious mental health issues by diagnosing the early symptoms, such as alcoholism.Paxton, who also had PTSD, says the MoD masks the real numbers with serious mental health issues by diagnosing the early symptoms, such as alcoholism.
"If a soldier is drinking 20 pints of lager a night, he's probably doing it to forget about something. And if he's trying to forget about something, he's probably having nightmares. He's two steps away from PTSD.""If a soldier is drinking 20 pints of lager a night, he's probably doing it to forget about something. And if he's trying to forget about something, he's probably having nightmares. He's two steps away from PTSD."
Major General Tim Cross, who served in Iraq, says the problems faced by ex-servicemen will increase, and endure.Major General Tim Cross, who served in Iraq, says the problems faced by ex-servicemen will increase, and endure.
"I think we are building up, I've said for quite a while, we [have] a bow wave coming. PTSD on average takes about 11 years to really show. A lot of the Falklands veterans have gone through really difficult times and they now say, I think it's probably true, more Falklands guys have committed suicide than died during the campaign.""I think we are building up, I've said for quite a while, we [have] a bow wave coming. PTSD on average takes about 11 years to really show. A lot of the Falklands veterans have gone through really difficult times and they now say, I think it's probably true, more Falklands guys have committed suicide than died during the campaign."
A similar delayed reaction will happen with Iraq and Afghanistan, he says. "The problem is not now, because there's a lot of sympathy out there. The problem is going to be in five or 10 years' time when Iraq and Afghanistan are forgotten about. People don't want to pick up the pieces any more."A similar delayed reaction will happen with Iraq and Afghanistan, he says. "The problem is not now, because there's a lot of sympathy out there. The problem is going to be in five or 10 years' time when Iraq and Afghanistan are forgotten about. People don't want to pick up the pieces any more."
For James Fry, 23, the problem exists now, and picking up the pieces of his life has been more difficult than he ever imagined.For James Fry, 23, the problem exists now, and picking up the pieces of his life has been more difficult than he ever imagined.
A private in the Royal Logistics Corps, he spent seven months in Afghanistan in 2009, during which friends of his died, the heavily armoured Mastiff vehicle he was driving was hit by a roadside bomb, and he was shot at repeatedly during a month-long spell in a remote outpost in a Taliban stronghold.A private in the Royal Logistics Corps, he spent seven months in Afghanistan in 2009, during which friends of his died, the heavily armoured Mastiff vehicle he was driving was hit by a roadside bomb, and he was shot at repeatedly during a month-long spell in a remote outpost in a Taliban stronghold.
However, the memory that still haunts him is slightly different. When he first arrived in Helmand, he was stationed at a base in Musa Qala, where he was on guard duty.However, the memory that still haunts him is slightly different. When he first arrived in Helmand, he was stationed at a base in Musa Qala, where he was on guard duty.
"When I first started at the camp this car came screaming up to the gate. We ran forward to stop it and this man got out and he was crying and screaming. In the back of the car there was a little boy. He was about six – he had no legs. He had been play fighting with his friends and he stood on an IED [improvised explosive device]. I knew there was nothing that I could do about it. The boy was dead but we got a stretcher and called a chopper to take him to Camp Bastion. I knew there was no way that a boy of that age could survive that kind of impact. I had been there about a month or so. I still have dreams about it.""When I first started at the camp this car came screaming up to the gate. We ran forward to stop it and this man got out and he was crying and screaming. In the back of the car there was a little boy. He was about six – he had no legs. He had been play fighting with his friends and he stood on an IED [improvised explosive device]. I knew there was nothing that I could do about it. The boy was dead but we got a stretcher and called a chopper to take him to Camp Bastion. I knew there was no way that a boy of that age could survive that kind of impact. I had been there about a month or so. I still have dreams about it."
When he and four colleagues walked from the wreck of the Mastiff after it had been hit by the bomb, they found themselves laughing about it by the side of the road.When he and four colleagues walked from the wreck of the Mastiff after it had been hit by the bomb, they found themselves laughing about it by the side of the road.
"At first I didn't really know it had happened. I didn't feel any pain. There was dust everywhere and the first thing I said when I got out of the cabin was 'give me a fag'. There was no point thinking about it too much, because that isn't going to stop it happening again the next day. If you thought about it too much you'd go insane. There were a couple of times when I was on my own and I had a bit of a cry. But the army way is to give you a slap and tell you to get on with it. If you are real, you get on with it."At first I didn't really know it had happened. I didn't feel any pain. There was dust everywhere and the first thing I said when I got out of the cabin was 'give me a fag'. There was no point thinking about it too much, because that isn't going to stop it happening again the next day. If you thought about it too much you'd go insane. There were a couple of times when I was on my own and I had a bit of a cry. But the army way is to give you a slap and tell you to get on with it. If you are real, you get on with it.
"You don't say anything, and you certainly don't confide in a psychiatrist.""You don't say anything, and you certainly don't confide in a psychiatrist."
Fry left the army in 2010 but hasn't managed to find full-time work since. He has a partner, Elisha, and they have a son, and his inability to cope with his condition, and provide for his family, drove him to attempt suicide.Fry left the army in 2010 but hasn't managed to find full-time work since. He has a partner, Elisha, and they have a son, and his inability to cope with his condition, and provide for his family, drove him to attempt suicide.
"I started to have anxiety attacks. When I was busy, it did not affect me as much, but as soon as I had nothing to do, I'd get nightmares, tremors, I began wetting the bed. And my temper was ridiculous."I started to have anxiety attacks. When I was busy, it did not affect me as much, but as soon as I had nothing to do, I'd get nightmares, tremors, I began wetting the bed. And my temper was ridiculous.
"I'd go mental. That was when I knew I had to get help. I tried to kill myself a few times with alcohol and pills."I'd go mental. That was when I knew I had to get help. I tried to kill myself a few times with alcohol and pills.
"I thought about my family and how they'd be better off without me.""I thought about my family and how they'd be better off without me."
Fry was diagnosed with PTSD by Combat Stress and has survived with financial help and food vouchers provided by the Royal British Legion. Does he blame the army for his predicament?Fry was diagnosed with PTSD by Combat Stress and has survived with financial help and food vouchers provided by the Royal British Legion. Does he blame the army for his predicament?
"No, not at all. I chose that life. Fighting is what they do, and there will always be a risk of this happening. If they helped out every single soldier that came back from Afghanistan then they couldn't do it. Which is why they push it to the back of their minds. I have had no contact with the military since I left. When you leave, they don't want to know you any more.""No, not at all. I chose that life. Fighting is what they do, and there will always be a risk of this happening. If they helped out every single soldier that came back from Afghanistan then they couldn't do it. Which is why they push it to the back of their minds. I have had no contact with the military since I left. When you leave, they don't want to know you any more."
Fry says that doesn't mean the military can abrogate all responsibility; it should accept that damage is done, and do everything it can to help those in service who are suffering.Fry says that doesn't mean the military can abrogate all responsibility; it should accept that damage is done, and do everything it can to help those in service who are suffering.
He is sure many more of his colleagues have been affected in the way he has, but are equally reluctant to come forward because of the consequences.He is sure many more of his colleagues have been affected in the way he has, but are equally reluctant to come forward because of the consequences.
"The human mind can only cope with so much. If you think of all the conflict, in the Gulf, Iraq, Afghanistan, Northern Ireland. [Commanders] have a job to do, and they do what they need to achieve it. But it must be messing people up.""The human mind can only cope with so much. If you think of all the conflict, in the Gulf, Iraq, Afghanistan, Northern Ireland. [Commanders] have a job to do, and they do what they need to achieve it. But it must be messing people up."
Three years after leaving the forces, Fry believes he now understands what has happened to him, and why. He believes he is overcoming his demons, though he suspects they may never leave him.Three years after leaving the forces, Fry believes he now understands what has happened to him, and why. He believes he is overcoming his demons, though he suspects they may never leave him.
"The dead boy, that was the big one. It is the one I suffer with to this day. The dreams are still in my head. I might wake up sweaty and shaky, and I know it's my mind playing tricks on me."The dead boy, that was the big one. It is the one I suffer with to this day. The dreams are still in my head. I might wake up sweaty and shaky, and I know it's my mind playing tricks on me.
"It is always going to be with me, it will never go away, but I am dealing with it.""It is always going to be with me, it will never go away, but I am dealing with it."
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